[susiesgirl]

i am sooo sick about hearing about my bsis when talking to bmom. When it was my day to spend with her (my birthday) we ended up shopping for stuff for my bsis who is pregnant.
well i guess you know that the only grandchild that will be thought of is hers.
I feel like my bmom is pulling away from me and gravitating towards her. I wrote and asked if i could come spend the weekend and bmom has plans but she GUESSES its ok for me to come sunday. She also tells em that i should be spending time with my kids..huh i do they are here all the time. i think that is just another way of hers of pulling back. It literally makes me sick to my stomach when i think about it. I DESERVE some time my bsis had her her whole life and did nothing but B---- about her and how much of a crappy childhood she had but now its ok to do stuff with mom cuz she knows that she will get something.. my bsis is very materialistic that is one of the reasons we fight..my aparents spoiled me and my sis resents it. well i resent having to share her with our mom i know that sounds mean but my heart is breaking. SHE got to have her all those years.. what about me???
When this kid of hers comes my kids will prob be totally out of the picture.
When i first found my bmom she wrote several amails a day to me and would send cards and pick up little things for me that made me feel special now i just feel cast aside and dont know what to do about it. The jealousy and rage is building up pretty darn bad.
I will die if she dumps me...she PROMISED that she would never leave so why the pulling back????

[l-thompson]

susiesgirl - how long have you been reunited for? You mentioned that when you first found your birthmom that she would send you emails and cards.....
It seems like your relationship is just settling now and you are truly becoming a family and your birthmom is feeling comfortable with having you in her life - thats a good thing, isn't it? Could this just be sibling rivalry that is part of many families?

I don't really know enough about your story to comment. I am sorry to hear that you are feeling the way that you are. Reunion is not easy is it and just when we think we have it all sorted, away we go again!!
Do you and your b/sis have a good relationship? Have you had a good relationship in the past? Maybe her pregnancy has bought about some of these feelings you are having?

Why not share a little more about your reunion...in the meantime by replying to this it will be bumped back up for others to read and to offer their insight.

Take Care

[Montraviatommyg]

Agree with Lindz on this you need support from others to know you're not alone in how you feel so will do my bit to help keep it 'bumped' up. You may have gone through similar feelings of jealousy if you had been brought up by your bmum .... that's families for you but the issues are blurred due to being in reunion. Hope that others who have been in a similar position to you do respond.

Pip

[susiesgirl]

when i first found them 4 years ago...right after meeting my birthsis she emailed me that night. We have always been cautious around each other cuz she would tell me that she didnt have things like i had (i was spoiled by aparents being an only child) and i am jealous of what she has.. our mom..but she says she hated her childhood..unfortunately she is very materialistic.
one example of how she acts like im not amemebr of the family she got married last year and never thought to include me in her wedding.. at first i thought it was becuase i was heavy but then i get there and there is this girl who is bigger then me.. there goes that theory, THEN she had pictures taken with my bbros..just the 3 of them and had a framed that says family and gave it to our mom. where the hell was i!!??? certainly not asked to be in any of the pics. THAT really hurt and when i told bmom how it made me feel all she said was *i picked out the pic* well thats fine and dandy but NONE of the pics had me in it and she didnt seem to catch on to that fact.
I wish my sis was a boy then things would be easier for me the boys dont fight for moms attention like me and my sis do.
i panic if after i write her and email and dont hear back until days later. It makes me feel like i am no longer imprtant to them.

[Montraviatommyg]

Susie,

Will give your post some more thought before giving a longer response but try not to panic if you don't hear from from your bmum for days after you contact her. I know it's easier said than done .... you've been in reunion for 4 years now so that tells me she does want you in her life.

At times I get little 'digs' from my son about the amount of contact we have at times ie chatting on msn messenger and phone calls. However with us I can have a 'dig' back at him as he isn't very good at responding to emails.

Pip

[l-thompson]

susiesgirl - I think if I had been in your position at your bsisters wedding, I would have been hurt as well not to be included or asked to be in the pictures - that really is "ouch!!" The picture she had taken at the wedding that was framed and given to your mother is also an "ouch!!" moment. I understand a little more as to why you are feeling the way you do.

You and your bsister seem to be envious of each other. She seems to think you had it all in your a/family and you think the same about her as she was raised by your birthmom......the grass sometimes seems greener on the other side, doesn't it?

Did you ever say anything to your bsis about the wedding and the pictures that were taken? Does she realise how hurt you are by her actions?
I truly believe in openness and honesty and perhaps by actually opening up to her and explaining how hurt you felt, may open the door to healing some of the hurts you are experiencing.

Linz

[l-thompson]

you've been in reunion for 4 years now so that tells me she does want you in her life.

I agree with you Pip. Fours years indicates that this relationship is a permanent one....it seems the "dust" has settled and your birthmom truly see's you as one of the family.
Congrats on four years of reunifcation!! - thats great!!....despite the ups and downs you are experiencing...

[Montraviatommyg]

Linz,

You're my saviour I was trying to think of how to word a longer post to Susie about her bsister's wedding and you got it spot on.

Pip

[susiesgirl]

i am so hurt. i was going to go spend this next weekend with my bmom but she has *plans* i know that they are with my sister and that just kills me inside.i try not to feel jealous but i am and i am so restless that i feel like dumping all my meds (i have anti psychotics,anti-depressants, mood stableizers, and tranks)on the bed and taking them all. then i woudnt have to worry about bsis.

[Montraviatommyg]

Susie,

Whatever you do please, please find someone you can talk to whether it is a close friend you can talk to or a counsellor? Are there any support groups you can go to in your local area?

I appreciate you are feeling very low so if nothing else keep posting here. Being honest about how you feel is important and the next step is to work through it. You say you are jealous of your bsister and I believe you so don't feel bad about your feelings but you do need to make some sense of it all.

My thoughts are with you.

Pip

[l-thompson]

susiesgirl - I think sometimes this reunion business and associated feelings can overwhelm us all....the feelings seem to come in waves....we all need to find a way to cope with these times - drugs are not the right way.

Sure, they may provide a short term fix to how you are feeling but its not going to help you do the personal work you need to do so you can reach that place of acceptance.....put your pills away!!!!!!

Reunion is full of highs and lows and I know we all long to find that balance where the pendulum doesn't swing back and forth so quickly. You will find a way - you have the answers you need inside but you have to find a way of geting to them. Perhaps talking to a trusted friend would hep, a family member you are close to or perhaps your doctor??? I am not sure who you feel comfortable with but I do think you need to talk through your thoughts and feelings with someone trusted.

The other thing I have learnt in reunion is there will be days like this....it comes with the territory. The key is finding the mechanism inside that will help you cope with these days and accept what "just is" in your reunion.
And remember.....things often look different the next day!!

[Duchie]

Dearest Susiesgirl -

I'm a reunited adoptee of almost 5 years now. I agree so much with the highs and lows of reunion. It's an emotional rollercoaster that doesn't seem to have an end. But taking pills and such is such a permanent solution to the situation. You may feel that it helps your situation, but think about the grief and pain that it will cause others.

I too was handed everything on a silver platter growing up. My birth siblings (6 of them) had to work for what they got and still do. It's hard for me because I see the green monster of envy come out of them once in awhile. But I have to say that I don't see it in all of them. And it's a hard thing for me to hear sometimes because I was so fortunate in many areas of my life where they weren't.

As for your birthmom..... I really don't think that this is an intentional thing that she's doing. You must remember that for years she knew that you had parents other than her and maybe she's not sure where she should and would fit into your life. Sometimes they feel like they're overstepping their bounds. With my birthmom we decided that I didn't need another mom (per se). I grew up with a wonderful mother. However, that doesn't mean that my birthmom doesn't have a special place in my life. I am still her daughter (in a biological sense), but most of all, I'm her friend and she is mine. The relationship we have is based on friendship, but with that twist that you know you're biologically connected. If we tried to relive the past what would that accomplish? When I first reunited with my birthmom she sent me a clock made of Myrtle Wood. Along with it was a letter. In the letter she stated "as a clock we cannot go back in time, but we can go forward". That clock is one of my most precious items that I have. I look at it everyday when I walk into my home remembering that I have others that love me too.

You have been given the precious gift of reunion. Although we know it's not easy just think of how many out there have not and in some cases cannot reunite. I think that when we go into reunion we have this dream of what we think it should be. And sometimes reunions completely fail because there's too much expectations to revisit the past by all parties.

Hang in there sweetie. Embrace your blessings in what you have right in front of you.

Duchie

[susiesgirl]

i need my momma as a momma. I got the short end of the deal. my aparents just werent there other then $$
she told me that she tried harder with my sis well it just peeves me cuz SHE got to stay whether she had it so bad or not. Mybsis always tells me that it sucked and that i would have thought so too. i am not too sure about that but even if it did suck i would have been WITH HER where i belonged!!!!!

[l-thompson]

susiesgirl - it can be tough, it can seem unfair but as duchie posted..."we can not go back in time, only forward"
I know you are hurt, I really do understand, but these feelings are only going to hurt and upset you even more if you hang onto them for too long. You can beat yourself up and dwell in the past - the should have been, could have been.......but its not going to change a thing. You have been reunited for four years now - thats a long time to feel this way......life is just too short to spend time thinking about the way we would have liked things to have been.

susiegirl - I reunited with a complete biological family. My birthparents married five years after relinguishing me and went on to have three more children. I searched for seven years....from one side of the world to the other. No one was searching for me.....I was hurt, I really was.
My a/family was less than ideal, but you know thats not because I was adopted...it was because I grew up in a family and all families have ups and downs. There are no guarantees in this life......adopted or otherwise.

I know when you look at your sister you feel like you were the one "let go of", the one that was "left behind" and you are still feeling this way.......sweetie, you have to find a way to work through these negative feelings.....honestly, it serves no purpose and you are hurting yourself.

Yep, it does "suck" at times.....it "sucks" when you wish that you had been kept by your birthmother........and its ok to feel this way for a time.....but then you have to pick yourself up and accept what "just is"

You deserve to be happy and to feel good about life.
Your birthmom is here for you now, she wants you in her life......that is great! Make the best of what you have today....its all we have.....there is no rewind button and no matter how much we would like to play it all again...we just are unable to do that.

You can't change a thing about the past but you can change the way you think about things and believe me, that will make a world of difference.

I think I spent some time thinking my cup was half empty......in actual fact, it was half full!!

Linz

[susiesgirl]

not to be in the past but if is THERE. No matter what i do i just feel lost and this is something me and my bsis will never agree with...she wanted what i had and i would have given it to her just to have what she had.. good or bad i would have been where i belong.. at least my gramma and grampa and aunts and uncles accept me as their own which i am. I am a member of that family for that i am EXTREMELY greatful now if i could just work with bsis.. it is so hard not to feel resentful and i hate it but it is just *there*