[JakesDad72]

I found my birthfamily about two years ago. I was not prepared for the mess I would walk into. Needless to say..I only have a relationship with only certain people right now. The family was divided when I found them and since I came along they are more so. Lately, I have found myself wanting less and less contact with any of them. The problem with this is that my 3 year son has developed a relationship with some of them, especially one of his biological grandparents. My wife is torn because she does not want to see him get hurt but at the same time she doesn't want to see me upset and hurt. Did I dig my own hole here? Is there any way out of it? I want to try and have some kind of relationship with them but after all that has happened in the last two years I feel likei need a break from it all. Am I being selfish? The pain of feeling rejected again has overwhelmed me. Can anyone offer me some guidance or suggestions on how to handle this. Thank you for listening.

[Lis6191]

JakesDad, I see you are new to the forum. Welcome. I hope you are taking the time to read the many,many stories out here and know that you are not alone. No, you do not have to do anything. You are not obligated to have a relationship with your bfamily, period. You decide what is right for your life and the life of your son. You can set the boundaries or you can walk away. Reunion is not easy and we often open Pandora's Box. There are normal phases to reunion as well, Time Out Stage being one of them. Take the time out and re-evaluate . . . and please read the other stories, they may be able to provide you insight.

[Tamradee]

Welcome,JakesDad~
I think there are many of us here struggling with how to fit our families together. How to set boundries (for our own sanity) how to figure out how it is all supposed to be.

One thing to remember - usually, all families have their problems at one time or another... no family is perfect, probably most of us have "crazy" humans in our biological chain.... I know I do. So maybe you just need to step back - temporarily - just to give yourself a break, but don't completely cut your son off from what is also his biological family.

You didn't say what "all" has happened over the last 2 years, so it's hard to give any suggestions as to what you should do.

Sometimes I have the urge to pull myself out of my bfamilies lives, too, and realize that I can't - not since my kids call them "grandma & grandpa & uncle". They have grown into my family - it wouldn't be fair of me to pull the plug. (sometimes I wonder - what have I done??) But I realize that a lot of my own ghosts have gone away since I found, so it is for the better ....

So what I am trying to learn now is how to take control of the situation. Maybe you are confused because you aren't in control of these relationships? I am trying/learning how to "step back" so that maybe I can gain some control (or what feels like control) in my situation. Perhaps if you can be the one to call the shots - how and when the bfamily sees your son, etc, then maybe you will feel better?

Tell us more - and we might be able to help you sort out your feelings.

~Tammy

[JakesDad72]

Thanks for your responses. I didn't get too detailed in my post because I wanted to get comfortable and see how people responded to me. The reality of the situation is that I walked back into the lives of two families torn apart by divorce,drugs,depression,etc...They were not ready for me to walk back into their lives. Even my birthmother has issues with me. My Birthfather now lives in California and is remarried and his wife wants him to have no contact with me. Thus...I don't. My Full biological brother and I have no relationship. He is intimidated by me being in the picture.He wants all the attention on himself. He is also fighting a drug problem. My Biological Dad's whole side of the family has basically rejected me. They even wanted a DNA test done when I first came along. I have a few relationships with people on my Biological mom's side but even those are strained. Top that with an adoptive mom who says she is ok with everything but really isn't and you have a regular Jerry Springer episode. I just feel like I have had enough but I feel like I keep getting pulled back in. My wife is working with my Biological mom now so ofcourse I have to hear about everything that is going on in the family and like I said..my son is so attached to my biological mom that my wife refuses to allow me to cut him off from her. I just can't get away from it. I have been hurt,angry and depressed for so long that I just feel like I need to let go.But how can I. I hope you can see my dilema a little clearer now.Thanks again.

[Tamradee]

Hi again - things are a little clearer now! I can't hardly blame you for wanting to break away. Sometimes I think it happens that way - you search, you find something - the family - that is not healthy for you, and you do have to walk away.... I can't see anything wrong with you wanting to do that. I think that is a perfectly healthy, normal response to the situation. Why would you want to expose your child to this, even if they are blood relatives?

Sometimes, just 'finding' - ending that 'endless search' can be enough. You found - not maybe what you had dreamed of - but you found, you can get your "story" - how you came to be.... see people that look like you, etc.... maybe that can be enough for you to move forward with your life now.

I guess having your wife working with your bmom sort of tangles things up a bit. I suppose that if they are friends, fine - maybe even if she wants to see your son occasionally, fine - but do what you need to do to put some distance between yourself and the situation for your own mental health.... (just my opinion) I can't see anything wrong with stepping back and going your own way.

Would your wife consider handling any contact between your bmom & your son so you don't have to be in the middle? Does she understand why you need some space? I can see where it might be important for your wife, that your child have a connection to your side of the family tree.... but if you don't want to be too involved, I think that is understandable,too...

I can't offer you too much advice, but I hope that it made some sense and helped you a little bit.

~Tammy

[Lovemends2]

JakesDad

I am sorry you feel that way. Being in reuion is not that easy but keep yourself distant might be a good way to keep yourself out of trouble.

[JakesDad72]

Hi Im Jakesdad72 Birth Mom. I Do Not Have Issues
With My Son I Love Him With All My Heart.i Have
Never Had Any Regrets That He Found Me. My Heart
Is Finally Whole Again. When He Found Me He Was
Shocked To Find Out That His Dad And I Had Ended
Up Married And We Had Another Child.this Has Been Very Hard For Him To Except And I Understand Why. His Father And I Have Been Divorced Since 1980 And
I Hate Him For Walking Away From Our Son But I
Cant Control What He Does And I Feel Like Im
Being Punished For His Heartless Behavior. He Does Have A Aunt And Cousin That Have Welcomed Him With Opened Arms. He Also Has A Half Brother That Adores Him. I Want My Son To Stop Dwelling On The People That Have Chosen Not To Except Him And Enjoy The Love From The People That Have.i Love My Son And Grandson And Daughter-inlaw They Have Added Such Joy To My Life.it Would Break My Heart Again If He Walked Away Now. I Need Your Help With My Son So He Will Stop Seeing The Glass As Half Empty Instead Of Have Full.

[Lis6191]

JakesDad's Bmom -- why are you posting under his ID? I'm confused . . .

There is obviously more than one side to every situation and we would love to hear all perspectives and share with you some of our stories. Reunion is difficult on everyone. It's hard to know when to take things at face value since we cannot see what it going on beneath the surface. . . .

We'd love to have you join us around the forum reading all of our stories, my story is here:
Confession to a bmom

We have a very active group of members that monitor this thread. You will also find that we touch on a lot of issues, mostly from the adoptee and bparent perspective. (It's a lot of reading to do )

Reunion will most likely be one of the most challenging events in your life and your son's. Good luck!

[JakesDad72]

Sorry about that. I sent the page via e-mail to my wife at work. I wanted her to see some of the similar stories that I had found. I forgot that my wife and bmom work together.Being the office manager she can see the e-mails. I guess she was curious and read my post. I never would have expected her to post something. Kind of invaded my privacy but I can understand her wanting to speak her peace. Just don't be misled. The problems are there and they are very real. She may express the thoughts and feeling here on the board but they do not always show when I am around her. She rarely communicates these feelings to me and I still don't think she will ever understand the hurt and depression this reunion has caused me. I still feel the desire to pull away and have my space. Sorry again and thanks for listening.

[silverqueenbee]

Don't know if I have much to add as I am drained lately re: my own birthmother situation; I can totally identify with the dysfunctional part--my ** is ex-drug/alcoholic as well as my half-sis and full-brother. I haven't talked to them since I think Jan because I just feel like I can't handle all their dysfunctions--neediness, etc.

Peace to you,
B

[MJ parker]

My situation is a little different, but I am still worried about the same things as you, jakesdad. I was adopted by my stepfather at the age of 15. Up until a year before I had a relationship with my bdad and his whole family which includes my 1/2 sister. For 2 years I had no contact with them and that was fine. My childhood was so chaotic because of the fighting between my mom & bdad. I wished that he had let me go when I was younger so I could have had some symbolance of a normal life instead of being split between two households. After leaving home at 17, I started to think maybe my mom was the cause of the chaosand thought I could ahve a relationship with my bdad and his family again. It was ok for almost a year. Then it whent bad again. This time I was determinted to move on with my life and stick with my mom and adopted family. Even though my adopted family has their issues and sometimes it drives me crazy I know they love me and it's a much healthier situation. It has been 11 years now and my children only know my afamily. Last month my bsister called me and wanted to see me. We spent a couple hours on the phone crying about everything that had gone wrong and telling each other that we still thought of each other and cared about the other. She wanted to see me and my kids. Someone had told her that I had 2 girls and she said she couldn't stand knowing that she had other family out there they she didn't know. I wanted her to see my kids and I wanted to see her too, but I wasn't ready to explain to a 6 & 9 year old about my adoption. I met her a week later I brought the kids but didn't tell them anything. That may have been wrong but I couldn't cross that bridge yet. As we talked I knew I had made the right decision to back away from their family. They were involved in drugs too and all divorce with so much drama. I was glad that I had the opportunity even if it was though a bad situation to be seperated from them. That being said I still care about her deeply and struggle with my desire to have a relationship with her knowing it may not be heathly for me much less my kids. She hasn't called me since our inital visit. Her birthday will be this monday, so I send her a card telling her that she is my sister and I will always love her even if we never speak again. I also said that I hoped one day her kids would be able to call me aunt and when everyone was ready my kids could call her that too. I wanted to let her know that I am willing to walk away again if that is what she wants but I will try to slowly form a relatioship with her if she is willing to work with me. I feel like have alot more to lose from this situation than she does, but I know she is going against her family's wishes too by talking to me. I'm really scared about how it could go either way. I will have a harder time letting go again because I have seen her, I know she lives near me. My heart tells me to connect with her, but I don't want to be hurt by her and her family like I have been so many times before. I always end up asking myself why I let them in my life and I am doing it again. So Jakesdad, it doesn't get any easier. The things that led you to look for your bfamily in the first place are always there with you. That desire to have what you've always wanted- a "normal" family relationship. The part that sucks is it probably doesn't exist for anyone. There are always issues in a family weither that is with the family that chose you or the one you were born with, you will have to deal with other people's problems. Let me ask you one question. If your Bmom had been the only mother you ever knew, would you be more willing to take her for what she was and deal with her?

[Tamradee]

Originally Posted by MJ parker

it doesn't get any easier. The things that led you to look for your bfamily in the first place are always there with you. That desire to have what you've always wanted- a "normal" family relationship. The part that sucks is it probably doesn't exist for anyone.

I couldn't have put it better myself.... I think this is the truth for a lot of us. No matter what we tell ourselves, we are still in a constant search for "normal", depite what we have already found.... each of our situations are unique, but strangely similar...

~Tamradee

[silverqueenbee]

I agree, Tamradee. It's the vague feeling that I've had all my life (at least since I could identify it) that I am somewhat outside the bubble looking in when it comes to my afamily. As for me, MJ, you bring up a unique thought: Would I be more accepting of my birthmom if she were all I had? I think the answer is yes. If you've only ever tasted vanilla, you think that's all there is. It's hard for me as an adoptee to mesh my two ideas and experiences: one, living in an adoptive family and two, my fantasy world I spent 30+ years building about what my birthmom would be like. Probably not very fair to her, but she is completely at the other end of the continuim which is hard to swallow. I always saw the inner strength that I have and thought, "I must have gotten that from her". Maybe she has it, but its hard to see beneath all the selfish things she has done and continues to do. Just my blurb on all this as I struggle with my ownjourney through this....

B

[MJ parker]

I asked if you could accept you bmom as she is because sometimes I wish I had a choice. My only mother can be too much for me to take and I need to break away from her for a while. But over the years I have learned that I have to accept her for who she is and realise that there is alot about life and relationships that she doesn't know. There are things about common curtosy that she doesn't know! :P She can be a very selfish person too and she as done alot of things that hurt me. It's difficult dealing with her but I do the best I can and that is all anyone can expect. Is your Amom still around?

[silverqueenbee]

My only mother can be too much for me to take and I need to break away from her for a while. But over the years I have learned that I have to accept her for who she is and realise that there is alot about life and relationships that she doesn't know.... It's difficult dealing with her but I do the best I can and that is all anyone can expect. Is your Amom still around?

"My only mother"--I am assuming you mean your amother? I too, have a difficult time with my amom (which probably complicates my relationship with my bmom as well..creating more neediness in me perhaps...). Yes, my amom is still around. I think my amom's life is like a small box; she knows her way around the box and what's inside but never ventures outside the comfort zone of the box. It's safe but very limited. She is very judgmental as well which doesn't mesh with what she preaches as far as religion goes so that it a paradox. Before I set out to search for my bfamily as an adult, I made sure I had my amom and dad's blessing; then when I actually FOUND my bmom, my amom basically said she couldn't handle it. Again, I attribute that to the very limited world that she calls home. Nothing out of the ordinary fits into her world--especially if its uncomfortable or stressful. Isn't that part of what parenting is?? Accepting your kids and their lives no matter what(maybe not condoning or agreeing with, but accepting)--isn't that what unconditional love is??? I find it just puts me in this place where I have to compartmentalize my life--this situation is okay with these people, but not with those and "never the twain shall meet" kind of thing. I know what you mean by needing a break from your mom; I have realized that there are things in me that probably stemmed from feeling rejected as a child that neither my amom nor my bmom can ever fulfill. It is what it is, as a friend of mine often says...I guess it is a step for me just to realize that.

Wishing you well,
B