[cmh19137]

Hi! I have recently found my birth parents and our initial reunion went very well. My birth parents are back together (after marrying other people and getting divorced) and we are sooo much alike. I was on cloud nine until my half sister (we share the same mom) began ruining everything. She HATES me. See, the man who has basically raised her is Not her bDad and he is Mine. So, I think that bothers her. Also, after my initial phone call, my birth Mom supposedly went on and on about how amazing I was (nice, married, kids, went to college, etc..). I am not overly successful or anything, just a normal middle class person. However, my sister did not finish school, has no job, has a kid that her Mom raises, lives on food stamps, and currently lives with this guy who has been in lots of trouble. She is really immature and has turned this whole reunion upside down! My bMom buys her anything she wants and does not make her be responsible so she is kind of spoiled and childish. She and my bMom are fighting big time and, because of this, my bMom won't speak with me. My bDad calls and says she is just too stressed out to talk to me right now and makes lots of excuses for her. I am so hurt by this. The first few times we talked, my bMom kept telling me how scared she was that I was going to get the info I wanted and then run. She told me over and over how hurt she would be by this. Now, I feel like she's doing the same thing. I feel so hurt. I've even been selling things and saving money to earn the money so that she can come to meet me (she does not have the money to do so). Now, it makes me feel like such a fool. I want to tell my bDad how I feel and how much she is hurting me, but I just keep having patience and waiting to see if she comes around. He assures me she wants to know me but she is just "having a hard time with her daughter". Why is that my fault or problem? I feel like she basically dumped me the second her other daughter whined a little. I didn't expect too much from her, just acceptance and this hurts so much I can't stand it. I have cried so much my eyes are puffy and I don't like my children seeing me this way. Maybe I should just end it all... I don't know what to do. I want them in my life, but I can't take them hurting me like this. Sorry this is so long, I am just so hurt and it feels good to vent I guess. Anyone else have a Mom who jumps for the bsiblings? Or a bsibling who hated them so much???
Thanks for reading.
Christine

[hopeful0712]

Christine,

I'm so sorry to hear your news about your bmom and bsib. Have you tried writing her a letter or email? You are very good with words. I hope everything works out for you and hang in there. You are in my prayers!
(((HUGS)))
Robin

[FatBirdy]

Hey Christine,

I am so sorry for your troubles. This shouldn't be happening to you. I feel for you. I also want you to know that you are not alone. I found my bmom a couple of years back and after about a year of a great reunion with both of us sharing that we too were scared that they other would run - both promised never to do that...well, my bmom ran. After telling my half sibs, one of them got ever angry and bmom ran. I am most bmom's most useless child. Maybe she doesn't even think I am her child. Although bmom promised that nothing would ever EVER change between us if telling her kept kids was an issue - well, she is a liar. I hear that lots of issues with lots of crying came about after my appearance and well - I was kicked out. I must say, some space was just what I needed. It hurts like heck but at least it is not in my face everyday. Perhaps you can suggest that you need some space for your sanity - just don't close the door forever. Just until the problems subside. Maybe losing you will make bmom get her act together. It is so sad when bmoms do this in a reunion. It hurts and I am so sorry for your pain...

[FL_GirlByProxy]

Hi Christine ~ As a birthmom, I cannot understand this at all, although I guess we are unique. I waited so long, yet my birthson and I found each other much sooner than I expected we would. My children are young, age 10 and 14, and my birthson is 20. So we don't have the same issues about who got themselves where in life. However, I cannot imagine after all this time that she would not be on speaking terms with you. I know I don't know all the circumstances, but to me it does not sound like she is acting like an adult at all, and she is certainly not teaching your birthsister anything, or helping her grow up. NONE OF THIS IS YOUR FAULT AT ALL. They are being childish and selfish, IMO. It is bothering you, though, and of course it would.

I like the idea of writing her a letter, as Robin suggested. What you've said here is perfect, IMO. THis is so difficult, but I think you need to realize that you only have a certain amount of control in this situation. That is a tough thing to accept. We all have opportunities and choices in life, they need to accept theirs as you have accepted yours. Until they do this, I don't see this pattern changing much. I'm hoping a letter from you would clue them in and give them a chance to step outside of themselves, and take a good look. You are in my prayers.

FatBirdy ~ I will never for the life of me understand how children grow up in a family, and are not nurtured to understand that love is limitless, that there is plenty for us to give. I just don't understand that behavior. You are in my prayers, too.