[Susanbeth71]

I was reunited with my birth-mom and birth-family about 6 and a half years ago. I don't know if this is typical of adoptees reunited with thier birth-families, but I moved over 900 miles away from my friends and adoptive family from Ma. to Ohio to be with them. Shortly after my trip out to meet them, my birth-mom called and asked me if I'd be willing to move there. I decided it would be a great opportunity for myself and children to get to know them and I was given much support on this by my husband and adoptive family...I realized shortly after moving there that I had made the worst decision of my life...I have 6 older birth-siblings and all but one went out of thier way to make me feel like I was not a part of thier family, made up lies about me and my children, purposely excluded us from family events and every underhanded thing, that you could think of. I never complained to my birth-mother or told her what was going on, she always kept me at an arms length and never offered more than friendship (which was okay with me). I never demanded or even asked that any of them love and accept me and I never demanded more from my birth-mother than she was emotionally able to give....I always treated her with the utmost respect, but never got respect back from her...About two months ago my birth-sister's daughter and my daughter had a disagreement,apparently my birth-sister's daughter got caught by the bus driver pushing me daughter and was given a detention. The next day my birth-sister got in my daughter's face yelling and swearing at her and then she decided to call me and do the same, we had an argument on the phone that involved her hanging up on me...The next thing I know is she has the whole birth-family turned against me, my birth-mother refused to talk to me or even hear my side of what was going on and after a few weeks, one of my older birth-nieces (one of the very few I had actually bonded with) called and told me all the lies and horrible things that my-birth-sister was telling everyone and all the horrible, mean hurtful things my birth-mother was saying about me and my children...I have tried several times to get my birth-mom to talk to me to no avail. I finally wrote her a letter telling her my deepest feelings and asking her to please talk this out with me, so we can get rid of this wedge that was put between us. I just found out that she has been showing my letter to everyone (it was meant only for her) and laughing at it, saying all I want is a pity party...I can't even began to describe the hurt that I feel. I feel as though I have been rejected a second time. I go between feeling anger, hurt and at times for some strange reason relief. I have decided that I will no longer be thier scapegoat, and if she ever wants to talk to me again, I will refuse. I will eventually be able to forgive her, but unfortunately I'll never be able to forget what she has done....Will the hurt my birth-mother and birth-family caused ever go away, because I feel like it never will...Also unfortunately she has never told me who my birth-father is (she does know), but I now fear I will never know.
Sue

[l-thompson]

I am so sorry that you have had such an upsetting experience with your birthfamily. So sad and what is even sadder is the fact that it all seemed to have started with a disagreement between children...cousins admittedly, but still children. If there is one thing I have learnt over the years is not to allow childrens squabbles to affect or come between adult relationships. Before you know it the children have sorted themselves out and are back to being friends again, meanwhile friendships/relationships between the adults have been destroyed. I just find it hard to comprehend that your birthfamily has "turned" on you in this manner.....thats just heart wrenching I'm sure.

I will eventually be able to forgive her, but unfortunately I'll never be able to forget what she has done....Will the hurt my birth-mother and birth-family caused ever go away, because I feel like it never will..

It is important to forgive...I think its a very wise thing to do...if you don't you risk hurting yourself. I don't think we truly forget people and events in our lives that have caused us hurt but we do find an inner strength to move on and not let them upset us anymore....lifes too short for that and we all deserve to be as content as we can be. I am sure given time the hurt will subside and you will heal.....
Take care

[cmh19137]

Hi! I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. I had what began as a wonderful reunion with my birth Mom and birth Dad about a month and a half ago. We spoke on the phone several days in a row for about 5 hours each time! My birth Mom kept telling how much she wanted me in her life and how scared she was that I would get my info and run. I reassured her that I was there for good as long as she would have me. My birth Dad is amazing and has made every effort to keep me around and make sure I wanted to know them. However, BOOM here comes my biological half sister (born from the same Mom). She is this 24 year old girl with a child who her Mom raises, she has no job, no initiative, lives on food stamps, etc... She HATES me. She was not told about me until I found my bMom. So, she has some major issues. She has absolutely thrown a fit and has caused Major trouble for bMom. So, my bMom wont talk to me. She is there when my bDad calls me, but she won't speak. He keeps making excuses and says she is just so worried about her other daughter right now that she doesn't feel like talking. See, my bMom was raising my sisters little girl and my sister came over one day and just took the little girl, so my bMom is majorly depressed. But, it's not MY fault that all of this is going on and she is treating me like dirt. I told my bDad the other day that I can't have her dumping me like a rock every time her other daughter upsets her. I just don't get it. I wish she had never called me back! It's like getting rejected a second time all over again. I wanted her back in my life and wanted to start over again, but I don't know if I can forgive her for rejecting me a second time around! It's all so hard. Just wanted to let you know I can relate. We are great people with great families and if they can give that up, they don't deserve us. I know it hurts like &*&*& though!! I spent all last night crying my eyes out! If you ever want to PM me, I'd love to talk!
Take CAre,
Christine

[FatBirdy]

Oh Susanbeth, I am soooo sorry. That is so terrible. My story is different but i too was in a reunion that went well and then totally turned to cr@p. I know what you mean about relief. There is something that feels good about the pain finally being over. It still hurts like crazy, don't get me wrong but I guess what I am trying to say that there comes a point that you know there is nothing that could mend this situation so it's best that we all just leave (at least for the time being) so not to be dealing with the pain in your face everyday. Best wishes to you.

[JakesDad72]

Wow..I so feel your pain right now. I was reunited with my birthfamily two years ago and it has been a rough ride. There have been so many problems that I too feel like I have been rejected again. It is the most horrible feeling in the world. My bfather won' t talk to me,my bbrother won't talk to me and had turned so many of them against me. It makes you wonder how there can be so many cruel people in the world. How can they be so uncaring and cold. I too moved closer to them and it has not helped..at all. I am trying to pull away and take time for myself but I seem to always get sucked back in. I know this is tough to hear but it's the same advice others have given me...you may have to walk away. Take the blessing you do have in your life...like your children...and move on. Only then can you begin to heal. I wish you the best of luck.



Steve

[into the sun]

I am a birthmom in reunion for only a few months - the reunion part is going well but so were yours at this stage. I am so sorry for the pain you have felt - there are probably a lot more issues at work here than have been shared with you. The four children we had after we married never knew they had a sister as we'd been told the adoption was closed and we'd never hear from our child again. Our guys reacted pretty level headedly to the whole experience. A lot of people don't know how or aren't willing to explore their feelings or resolve differences without placing blame - but being scapegoated is painful. If you can, remember that this is probably about a whole lot more than you, and keep writing. There are a lot of wonderful, supportive people on this site, scattered across a whole lot of threads, and they're all willing to lend an ear or share their stories or do anything they can to help you get through the rough times and find enough strength to cope with whatever comes your way. My thoughts and prayers are with all of you and I hope that you can find a way through these awful times.
Sharon