[pontotoc]

My bparents had a very brief relationship, and my bmom (not thinking very highly of bdad) never told him that she was pregnant. Needless to say, 25 years later, he was understandably surprised to get a phonecall from me. It's not gone well since, as we are currently not on speaking terms (he's also not speaking to most of his own extended family - could this be a pattern?). I admit I have regrets about venting my frustration about his inaction, mixed signals, and subterfuge after our first contact. Surely there must be others here whose bdads were never told they existed?? If so, I'd really appreciate hearing from a few of them, and about how this has affected their reunion and/or relationship with bdad.

[krielly]

Hi, I will be watching this topic with interest. I have very little info at this point about my bdad, but I DO know from my contact at the registry that at the time my bmom came to the unwed mothers home back in 1966, by bdad was NOT aware of the pregnancy.

I still have not had any direct contact with her at this point. The agency sent her a letter back on 3/1 (which she signed for on 3/3), but she has not yet responded as to whether or not she wants contact.

Anyhow, I'm thinking that he will be my next step. Seems hard enough to deal with searching for one person at a time . I will be interested to read about the experiences of others in this situation.

I struggled for a while about whether or not I should try to contact him, as my amom was told by the agency when she adopted me that my bfather was a married man. I've finally decided that it's something I need to do. He made his decision a long time ago, and I need to do what I need to do. Don't get me wrong, I'm not MAD at him. Can't be, I don't even know the guy........but I have just decided that I need to do what's best for me, regardless of the outcome for him........

[abcg1977]

Gee- I wonder if we could have the same b-father? Hum. My b- father was told by my b-mother about me but, she hid the pregnancy to everyone else parents,friends etc. so he thought she was lying. Only two months or so after my birth and being placed for adoption without his consent was he told about me by my grandfather's lawyer,then he believed them. By then he also had another daughter and two boys, and he was still a teenager

When I reunited with my b-father he claimed me, no DNA test needed I look so much like him and he knew so it was not a big deal. But, the reunion went sour, his wife hates me. They are very different from my a-family and he was not good at accepting the distance I had to put up at first. I found b-mom and b-dad within two weeks so I was so overwhelmed. My b-father said all the right things and I liked him but, in the end we have no contact. I think it is sad but, I have to keep in mind he has twelve kids and raised none of us, and I have great relationships with my a-family and b-mom so I have to let him go. Good luck, Ang.

[krielly]

Twelve kids!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh my!!!!!!!!!!


I am glad you at least got to meet him. Hopefully that gave you some peace of mind!

[Tamradee]

Interesting topic. I sent away for my a/sister's original birth cert - NH just opened records - and got her bmom's name. 2 years ago the state contacted her bmom, and her bmom said she didn't want any contact - she had not told anyone she was pregnant - not even her parents. So my sister let it go. (I told her she needed to push to get her bfather's info, but now I'm not sure she even told the bfather and will refuse to divulge any info).

Now we have her name. I found her on the internet. I found out that my sis has 2 half-brothers. One is all over the internet, web site, email address - even a picture that looks like my sis. My sis hasn't said much (scared) but it freaked me out. My hubby said 'don't you just want to email him?' HA yeah, but I don't want to destroy a family. I feel like my sister has the right, but I do not. UUGGHHH!

I want to suggest to my sis to send a bday card (since we have her bdate now!) with a picture of her family, her 2 little boys..... nothing to say to her family who she is exactly, like a long lost friend.

It is just crazy! ~Tammy

[FauxClaud]

I never directly told my son's father about the pregnancy.
Now, granted I was 6 months preganant and still with him and I was not a large girl....in my heart I believe that he knew.
I do believe that he was told worng information about me and choose to beleive that as truth. It was always o the tip of my tounge, but I just never found the strenght to do it. He didn't ask..I didn't tell..even as a very obvious belly lay between us.
Eighteen years later, after the fact, I have the letter to him written. It is in my purse right now for over two weeks. I just have to make the copies of the picures of our child and away it goes. Soon.
My son will be 18 this year, and I have procrastinated it long enough. I know where he is, I got pictures this year, and if he chooses to find me..I want his father to also be ready for him. He deserves that and his father does also deserve some time to come to grips with it all. Time for the truth.
Would have been a whole lot easier if I ad done it 18 years ago. But... I felt like such a fool for being pregnant. I didn't want to face the reality of the affiar and have a check written to some fancy abortion clinic on 5th avenue. I didn't want others to know of the secret affair with my much older boss. I told no one until it was too late. Lived with the secret eating at my every waking moment for 7 months and then left home and had my child. It was fear that froze me in time and space. Pure panic at facing the reality..and adoption really did just let me keep the fantasy of it all not happening to me alive.
I denied a man the chance to know his only child. It has been so heavy on my shoulders for years. How easy it was to not name him on the birh certificate and place a miniscule add in a paper he doesn't read.
I hate it. I hate what I did. I hate that I allowed it to happen. And I hate knowing that, even with his mutual guilt at playing the denial game, he was a good enough man who would have stood by me and, if nothing else, financially supported his son in a very good life. We could have lived in NYC, he would have gone to the very best schools, he would ave traveled with his father, involved in the arts and fine music...all chances gone because I was too afraid.
I am so scared now. I fear the truth still, but I will do it. My son deserves to have both his parents waiting for him. I will undo the damage to the best of my ability.

[Cheryl62]

(((Claud))) The "what ifs" in life can kill your soul, can't they? I admire your courage in taking this step, and even more your openness with us. Your post really touched me.

[Tamradee]

(((((hugs))))) Claud~ I can only speak for myself, but what I want to say to you is stop being so hard on yourself! Your post touched me, too.... and made me want to give you a great big hug and tell you it's okay. You can't go back and change time (tho' boy wouldn't we all love to sometimes) but you CAN decide what you want to do for the future.

Sometimes, we have to believe things happen for a reason - and maybe, just maybe, now is a good time to give him this gift. This just might be the best thing in the world for him. You can't go back - you can only go forward. You did the best you could at the time, and now - you can do the best you can do right now. Follow your heart - you've obviously given this a lot of thought, and you know what decisions are right for you in your heart. What's to lose, if you don't risk anything? You'll still be sitting where you are if you don't take a chance.

He'll have to have time to go through processing all of his emotions, but at least he'll be able to do that with all of the truths laid out before him. And from what I'm learning about "processing" emotions - you won't be able to start healing (and processing) until you take a step forward - give some of your burden away for someone else to carry - your load will be lighter.

I hope I wasn't too pushy - but I can feel your pain.

(((((hugs)))))) Tammy

[KSadar]

My birthmom can't even remember my birthdads name. Actually there are two possible fathers. One knows but says he wants nothing to do with me since he's not sure if he is my real father. He is most likely my father and they even got married 3 months after she gave me away. He is quite wealthy though and thinks I am only trying to contact him because I want money! Can you believe that? My birthmom said she was already pregnant by him when she met the other guy and only had a brief fling with him so she could blame him for the pregnancy. She was so in love with the first guy that she wanted to protect his reputation! The other man paid for her to have an abortion but she changed her mind. Somehow the authorities knew about the situation though and he was subsequently arrested for trying to procure an abortion! (This was in 1965 in Connecticut) My birthmom never saw the guy again...so I have no idea if he knows or not. Sure would like to though. My birthmom is very ashamed of her behavior back then but still told me the truth because she wants me to have closure on this. I respect her honesty so much and we have become very close. I have gotten some of my questions answered so I should be grateful, but only half and I can't seem to let go of the idea that someday someway I will find the truth. So yes...there are others out here who understand.