[abcg1977]

I guess I am very confused, I have found my b-families and over all things are going well. Let me give you a quick review of my situation. I was given up at birth, very young mother, I was adopted by nice people who I love a lot. But, they did get divorced and it was messy. I have always felt very grateful someone kept me and I guess overall I have suffered pretty low self esteem, I always wondered how my b-mom could let me go. When I became a mom, I really became more hurt because I knew no matter what my babies wern't ever going any where. Now, I know I was given a better life, and a young mom would not have benefitted me. And, I know my a-parents did the best they could, but now I have found my b-mom it is like the old hurt as a kid has come back to bite me in the butt. She is loving and accepting and wants me in her life, now. But, I am at this place I feel ugly inside it is like this "thing" won't let me just let go and forgive her. I really want to but, I just can't get the nasty feeling deep down to go away. And, I don't want to say I forgive her and then later find myself backpeddling because no I really didn't. She is a wonderful person. And, she has said she has forgiven herself so maybe, I am just thinking this is not something for me to forgive but, rather just something for me to let go and forget. But, how to you move forward with someone when you have this weight pulling you down inside. How can I get to that place where I am happy to move forward with my b-mother who I have no history with, and be ok with what happened at the start of my life? Please if you have any advice I'd love to hear from other adoptee's or even b-mom's.If you are a b-mom tell me why I should not be so darn hurt. And, if you are an adoptee please tell me how you let go of the hurt. Hope to hear from someone soon. Love and peace

[kperoc]

ABCG,
It's not easy. I would suggest a good therapist (preferably one who specializes in the different facets of the adoption process), and a writing journal to start. Both have helped me work though my anger and hurt. Also, my Adoptive Family, especially my Mom was very supportive, and willing to listen to me talk through the various feelings that I was revisiting. I'm still working on it. It's a process.

It is good that you have a good relationship with your Birthmom now. Have you had the opportunity to talk with your Birthmom about your feelings?

These boards help a lot, and so do the chat rooms from here. Many others can give your their experiences.

I am working on forgiving my Birthdad whom I have a history with, I was 5 at the time. I carried my anger around for a while after reunion, and finally decided it was doing me no good. I had a good life, wonderful adoptive family. Why hang on to the negativity?

I made a conscious decision to forgive him. Once I did, a great weight was lifted off my shoulders. When the negative thoughts come creeping back, I tell them to back off, I'm done with them.

Hope this helps.

[scarlet52698]

I can relate to how you feel. I felt that way for along time with my bmom, although I tried to stuff it because I wanted a relationship with her so badly. All I can say is don't stuff the feelings, it will affect your relationship with bmom no matter how well you think you are hiding how you feel.

I've started talking with a therapist about the anger and issues I have surrounding my adoption and it's helped tremendously. Slowly I've gained acceptance of the situation for what it is. I don't know if I've forgiven, but I have accepted. Does that make sense?

I pray for my bmom to have all the peace and joy that I want for myself. Doing this every night has also gone a long way toward my healing.

I hope that helps some, just know you aren't alone in how you feel.

[Montraviatommyg]

I'm a bmum in reunion with my bson so know what it's like to deal with reunion. Firstly I would agree with you that you shouldn't tell your bmum that you forgive her unless you are absolutely sure it is the right thing to do for yourself. Nor am I going to tell you why you shouldn't be hurt as that would be wrong of me and if anything patronising towards you which wouldn't be fair on you. Talking about how you really feel is the best thing you can do for yourself as it is the only way you can move forward.

scarlet52698 and kperoc have given you good advice about seeing a therapist as it does help as I have been seeing a counsellor as well. It really does help talking to someone who isn't going to judge you for how you feel.

Montravia

[itsmenancy]

Hi, I've only been in reunion with my b.mother for a week, but in that time I've heard her story several times and have met the 2 children she kept. (I was the middle child) I've had some ask me how it feels that she kept them, but gave me up. How am I suppose to feel? I feel GRATEFUL!!

All I ever known was my adopted family, so how am I suppose to be angry @ her when I had a wonderful life. She had her reasons for giving me up & it was because she Loved me that much, that she followed through with what was probably the hardest decision she'll ever have to make.

I'm not saying you don't have the right to feel the way you do - please don't think I am. But ~ maybe you are feeling some resentment towards having both your birth & adopted family's both end in breakup. (one through adoption, the other w/ divorce.)

I know before meeting my birth mother, I lived in this fantasy world that she thought of me often, always on my b.day, etc. - In reality, she blocked most all of it from her mind - she didn't even remember what day I was born!! I felt a twinge of something when she said that, but not anger so much, maybe hurt a bit. I felt like it was very painful for her to make the choice of adoption and the only way to deal all the rest of her days, was to block out that very painful part of her life.

They aren't meaning to hurt us when they choose to give us up. They really are making the biggest sacrifice of their life. I too found, her other children's lives growing up, were not the best, and even though my adopted mom & I have pretty much butted heads all my life, I know for certain I was in the right place.

I hope another adoptee's view helps. We aren't all the same - that's what makes us unique! Take care.

-Nancy

[Tamradee]

Hi, Nancy - I do believe that just one week into the reunion process, you have many 'mood swings' ahead of you! But who knows, maybe you'll be one of the lucky ones...

I think the key to happiness is sharing your hurt feelings - get them out in the open. It takes a lot of courage to do this, and you may not get the response you need, but I think you'll feel better. Even if you tell her that you are glad she forgives herself, but you aren't ready to.

I'm in a similar place right now. I'm 5 years into a happy, wonderful 'picture perfect' reunion, but suddenly uglies have surfaced for me (maybe it's been coming for a few years?) and I am not sure how to deal with them. (Other than to visit websites that offer support to share my feelings!)

I've got the same nasties pulling me down, and I am trying to figure out why & what to do....

[abcg1977]

tamaradee- Thanks for the response, everyone else too. I do think Nancy a week is young I also was elated and very accepting at first. But, best of luck to you, maybe your heart is fully settled.
Then my nightmares started, the bad thoughts, and the anxiety attacks. I was going to a great therapist who I had a good history with , then my insurance dropped her, the next one I tried could not quit reffering to my b-mom and b-father as the "egg" and "sperm". That was a nightmare. I guess, I feel very alone, these boards are my therapy for the time being. I am not a vindictive person so even when I speak out sometimes for myself I feel like I am doing wrong. I have told my b-mom how I feel for the most part. She says she loves me anyway and we will work through it. I think however some things I just need to deal with on my own. I mean. I know this was hell on her, I don't want to drag her further down when she has dragged herself up once, you know. My ears are still open. Thanks.

[itsmenancy]

I'm sorry if I've offended anyone. Me, myself, I can't fathom why I would get upset with her - my adopted family is & will ALWAYS be my family. She gave me life, for that I'm thankful, but she didn't raise me & I want nothing from her - as I'm a grown woman with a family of my own. I have many of the answers I've seeked for 37 years & I waited 37 years to search - for when I was ready. She has openly answered my questions, she's not one to mince words - maybe some of her answers were a bit "raw" if you will - but that just reassured me, I was put with the right family - FOREVER.


Again - so sorry if I said anything wrong.

-Nancy

[abcg1977]

Nancy-You have not offended me, I hope I have not offended you. However, you sound a little defensive. Please keep in mind you are talking to a bunch of adoptee's, we know you love your parents. The adoptive parents who loved you, took great care of you, mine did too. That however is a totally seperate relationship and emotion than that of my birthparents. My great adoptive parents can not, even if they were perfect, fix the hurt of knowing I was made of a different love and brought into the world by a different set of parents.That is seperate, one does not completely replace the other in my mind. Each did something the other could not or would not do. I really wish you the best of luck. I like you, have a happy and full life. Full of kids and parents etc. etc. but this is a hurt I have to heal to live my life with a whole and happy heart. Love and peace.

[Montraviatommyg]

As the only bmum who has made any comments I would like to let you all know that none of the comments I have read have been that bad. All of you have a right to your opinions based on your own experiences. From my point of view in the early days of reunion it was quite turbulant as my bson was angry even though he had searched for me as he wanted reunion - I found him by accident. One important thing to remember that whether you get answers or not there may be times when your bmothers may be trying to put your feelings before their own. I know with my bson when I was answering questions, for example, I was giving him straight answers but sometimes when he really pushed I could be emotional/angry at times and felt bad afterwards. We would then talk about why I felt the way I did but it was also important to me to let him know I wasn't angry with him but with myself or other people.

If any of you would rather I kept quiet as I'm not an adoptee so don't know 'what I'm talking about' I wont be offended if you tell me to shut up .

Montravia

[itsmenancy]

Montravia - No need for you to stay quiet!! I want to hear what b.moms have to say - you and the other b.mothers/fathers on here, are voices for all the other b.parents that aren't on this board, but their children are.

abcg1977 - My defense is for both sides. Myself personally, I harbor no ill feelings of being given up. My birth mother did not forgive herself until last Saturday when we sat face to face. I couldn't believe she held this with her all this time, when I never thought of it as anything but a loving act. Maybe it's because my adopted family did such a good job when they told me "my story", they made sure to let me know it was because she loved me enough to let me go.

Yes, my relationship with her is very new - but I'm not sure why I would have the emotions of getting mad for the decision she made - as I am looking at her as the one who gave me life, but my family raised me. I look at it as I do all my other friendships/relationships, getting to know her - as you would any new friend and just being a part of each others lives. She is not "mom" - she's someone that did me a HUGE favor 37 years ago! She is very thankful for my family & they are her as well.

-Nancy

[abcg1977]

Montraviatommyg- Please do not keep quiet, I am glad to hear you repond. Sometimes I learn more from other b-mom's because I don't associate anything good, bad or otherwise with me personally. It if funny you say b-mom's sometimes put us and our feelings first, I see my b-mother do that a lot. My mom always has too. I sometimes just wish they would both quit doing that. Just let go of the trying to say the "right" thing and the stuff that will be good for me. All I have ever wanted was the truth. I guess even though, like you Nancy, I was told my my story with my parents reminding me how much my b-mother had to love me to let me go, I do not understand letting go as a loving thing. I don't understand how cutting a child off from their heritage, letting a child wonder their whole life where they came from and why. My b-father was left a total mystery. I think I personally just don't see putting a child with the system and hoping they do it right as a loving act. I know that was the place it came from love and care but I just don't recieve it that way. I suppose I want some little shred of something to change my perspective and I don't know where to find that.

[itsmenancy]

abcg1977 - I'm so glad you replied and really let your true feelings out.

As alone & abandoned as you've felt, just think of how it must of felt for her to carry you, nourish you and become attached to that little person inside of her, and then to walk out of the hospital alone - knowing that strangers would rock you, see your 1st step, watch you grow into a beautiful person, but yet your birth mother would have to live every day alone with only a few memories of the baby she loved so much. And why? Because she chose for you to have EVERYTHING she couldn't give you.

I struggled some with always wondering who I looked like, why I did this or that, medical, etc. - and when I found her - I look nothing like her, we have alot in common but I can say with almost 100% certainty, that my life would not of been as secure with her as I had with my family. And on top of it - the man she had down as my b.father - is NOT.

Just take it at your own pace. But don't let the hurt eat you up. She never meant to hurt you, only to give you the best life possible.

-Nancy

[abcg1977]

Ok Nancy now you have struck a cord, and not a great one, I will only say this, I will not feel bad for a person who decided to go through all that. I will not imagine how she felt. I know it was not easy unfortunetly all these years later it has been made to look easy. My life was supposed to look and be easy too, and when people see it wasn't perfect I am told to be thankful and move on, and I have problems with that.

[scarlet52698]

I know as a bmom I was told that if I truly loved my child I wouldn't keep him. Being 16 with only a 9th grade education at the time, I believed that.......part of me still believes that on some level.

Here's where it gets sticky for me.....even though I know how it feels to be a bmom, I still struggle with being adopted. Even though I know in my head that I and my bmom did "the right thing" my heart hasn't caught on to that yet.

I'm hoping that time and patience will bring my heart up to speed with it all.

I know without a shadow of a doubt how much I love my bson. And yet I have a hard time believing that my bmom loved me.

If that isn't insanity then I don't know what is.....LOL