[Hogan181]

Hi, I'm new here and have never posted before but I just don't know where else to go and thought someone here might have had a similiar experience and could give me some advice. I'm a 54yo adoptee who was adopted at the ago of 15mos. Since as far back as I can recall my afamily has found it necessary to make a distinction between my abrother who is their biological kid and me who as they refer to me is "not blood". Over the years I have been referred to as the "brat no one else wanted", as well as a "mistake". The situation that really continues to haunt me is being told that a family ring that has been handed down from mother to daughter will [of course] go to my brother because he "is blood". My brother finally told my amom that the ring should rightly go to me and that if he got it he was going to give it to me. So, my amom has changed her mind and only recently gave it to my cousin who is her "blood" neice. I am angry and hurt as I have tried all my life to be a daughter to my aparents but clearly that isn't as good as being "blood". As I understand adoption, the adoptee is supposed to be treated no differently than biological family, which to my recollection has never been the case with me. I have tried on numerous times to explain my feelings to my amom without success. I am at the end of my patience. I can no longer allow myself to be continually hurt. Short of cutting off all contact, I don't know what I can do. Can anyone help?
Thanks,
Jane

'

[Cheryl62]

Jane:

I am so sorry. It has to be incredibly painful to have your mom treat you this way. Of course adopted children should be treated the same as bio-children, and in my experience they usually are. My parents did not distinguish, or if they did have those feelings, they were subtle and dealt with early on.

I don't have any great advice, since in my experience when things are this extreme, the situation is unlikely to change. It sounds like you've already tried to talk to her, and she is simply unwilling or unable to change either her emotions or her actions. At this point, I'd be tempted to say you have to look out for your own heart, and protect yourself as best you can, even if that means putting some distance between you, at least emotionally.

Perhaps it can be done by trying to adjust your expectations - if you can convince yourself that it is HER problem, issue, weakness, lack of character, whatever - then her actions may lose the power to wound you so much and you can try to maintain a relationship with her. We hurt when those we love don't seem to love us enough - but we hurt more when we think that it's something about us that makes us unlovable - and that is surely not the case here.

Again, I am so sorry. I hope that talking through this and venting to other adoptees and a-moms will help. (((((hugs for you)))))

[Hogan181]

Cheryl, thanks so much for your kind words, I really appreciate them! I have tried to distance myself [physically] from my amom and limited the contact that I have with her but as time goes on I get to feeling guilty about leaving this old lady alone. It just isn't my nature to be unkind and I think it would be awful to be alone in my old age. It is very difficult for me to maintain emotional distance from the situation even though in my head I know that is the healthy way to protect myself. Its just that the little girl within me can't seem to give up wanting that acceptance that she never got from her mother. I know it sounds horrible but in some ways I feel that it will be a relief when my mom finally passes away. Thanks again for caring. Evidently mine is a fairly unique situation since no one else has seemed familiar with this type of scenario. That is indeed fortunate as no one should be made to feel excluded from their family. Most feel that your family is the one thing you can always count on to be there!

[Cheryl62]

Ah well....family stuff is weird sometimes, isn't it? And we still love ours, even if things aren't always the way we'd like them to be, don't we? Finding that balance between protecting our hearts, and yet being true to our own feelings for them, and sense of what we feel we should do for them, is the tricky part! I struggle with that too, sometimes, and my own family situation is not nearly as difficult as yours.

I'm not around much these days -- needed a little break from adoption related stuff -- but when I got a notice that someone had responded to this thread, I thought I'd check back in. I'm sorry no one else has replied -- hopefully by bumping this back up to the top, someone else with a similar situation can give you some more feedback.

Hugs - and hang in there!

[allabouthorses]

Jane, out of curiosity: have you found your natural family?

I'm not sure why your amom adopted you...it doesn't seem like she was really willing or able to truly love you as her own child, which you ARE. I can only imagine how painful this must be for you, and must have been your whole life. My heart goes out to you, truly.

I, too, am lacking advice to give you, other than to love yourself, and surround yourself with others who love and accept you without conditions. I can totally understand why you don't want to completely exclude your amom from your life, and I don't think you necessarily should, but distancing yourself emotionally is probably a good idea, and will likely help you in the long run.

I wish you all the best.

[Hogan181]

I have found both of my bparents and although that gave me a sense of continuity, since I wasn't raised by them I cannot say that I had any real sense of them being my "parents". My bdad and I have a wonderful relationship, much like a bother-sister thing I would say. By finding my bfamily many of my questions were answered but my "real" parents are the ones who raised me, even though their feelings evidently are not the same for me! I have often wondered why they adopted since they have this hang up about "blood". My good fortune is that I now have 2 children of my own and at long last I have a real sense of what family love is all about!

[l-thompson]

My good fortune is that I now have 2 children of my own and at long last I have a real sense of what family love is all about!

And Jane, that is what you need to keep first and foremost in your mind

My a/parents weren't there emotionally for me either ...although they never made the distinction verbally as far as not being blood, at the end of my a/mothers life there were definite indications that this is how she felt. Thats OK with me now....I hurt for quite some time as I always did my best for her. I forgive her and I have come to realisie that inside emotionally, she had some unresolved feelings which turned to bitterness over the years.

I always carried on doing what I believed to be the right thing to do.....and as I reflect back, not only did I do it because she was my mother but I did it for myself too. She has passed now and I can continue living my life in peace knowing that I did the very best that I could.

I know its difficult to continue a close relationship with someone that is hurting you inside - distancing yourself a little is good for your own health and wellbeing but at the end of the day you also want to hold your head up high doing the best that you can having no regrets in later years. This is not about you...your mother has her own problems going on....please don't feel responsible for her.

[Lis6191]

Hogan181, I'm a fellow adoptee and my heart breaks for you. How has your family accepted your bparents/bfamily?

While I was never treated differently and loved unconditionally, I have never had the emotional support from my family, similar to l-thompson. I'm at a cross roads because my family hurts so badly and claim they cannot share me with my bfamily . . .

We all have a lot to process and there are some great people out here that can help you. By working at it we can get to a point where we, too, can forgive as l-thompson has and be content with ourselves. Keep posting, hon, we're here to listen.

[Hogan181]

Thanks for your kind words. Try as I might, I can't find it in my heart to replace the hurt I continue to feel with a forgiving spirit for my amom. I know its her problem but unfortuneately, I have accepted it as my own. The really funny thing is that when I found my bparents, my amom started this whole line about how hurt she was!! Unbelieveable, huh? My relationship with my amom hasn't changed one bit since finding my bparents. I no longer am in contact with my bmom, but have continued 25+ years contact with my adad and the rest of his family. Amazingly. even my adad's wife has accepted me and my kids better than my own amom! In my head, I know things will never change, I am just trying to find a way to help it to be less hurtful in my dealings with such a cold,unfeeling amom! I believe that the good that has come from this situation is that because I know what its like to feel unloved and unaccepted, my own kids will never experience it from their parents. I was sure to get counseling after the birth of our daughter so that I did not revert to parenting as I was parented! As a result, I have a pretty great relationship with both my 23yo daughter and my 21yo son! I celebrate that fact daily. Its a shame that my amom has missed out on such a wonderful opportunity to have such a mother/daughter relationship. I wouldn't miss it for the world!

[mn125]

Hogan,

You are not alone in your experience of being a "not real" child in your adoptive home.

Although for me, it was not my parents who verbalized this- but their son. Problem was- the parents never did anything to stop it.

I don't have any answers about how to navigate such twisted relationships within the family, other than Karma~ what comes around - goes around.

[jude4691]

Hi Hogan,
My situation is a little different to yours.I'm adopted and have never been told I was not blood(my aparents did not have bchildren).However I never felt loved, was never told I was loved, and my relationship with my adoptive parents has broken down.I have made efforts to restore it, by going as far as I can conscience wise, but I'm stunned at the total indifference they show to me even when I've poured my heart out in a letter to them-speaking face to face they just avoid the issues.I do wonder why they ever bothered.I have to say personality wise I am much more like my bparents.Maybe my aparents thought they would be able to mold me to be like them and it hasn't happened and we are just not on the same wavelength.
I do have a good relationship with my husband, bchildren and adopted daughter.On the positive side I have seen the damage not being loved can cause and therefore show my love in words and actions for the children I now have.
It has been difficult with my adopted daughter who came to us as an older child with attachment disorder.At one stage I was terrified that I might repeat the cycle and not love her, but things are progressing on that front.I as the adult in this have to do all in my power to make it happen, and I do believe it's possible.I can understand the struggle with an older child, but a cute cuddly baby/toddler should be easier to bond with.
Being a parent is about putting a child first and for those who adopt, where the child has already lost such a lot, the motivation to meet the child's needs should be high.
Jude

[l-thompson]

Hogan
And you know the saying that something good comes from everything?? - the good that came from your a/mother is that fact you have chosen to parent very differently than her - with unconditional love and caring for your children....thats a very good thing

Its so hard to find something positive in less than ideal situations and relationships, but for your own well being, you really should.

Its what I did....my daughters are my world...(well, hubby too ) There was no way in **** that my girls were going to feel as I did when I was growing up. What did I learn from my mother? - I learnt how I wasn't going to parent...and have been determined from the day they were born to ensure I did the very best that I could do.

Please try and focus on the positives...I know its hard but sometimes thats all we can do...
Let the hurt go....don't give her the satisfaction of hurting you anymore....you deserve better.
Take Care>>>>>>>>>>of you!!

[joskimo]

I've thought about this thread several times since I first read it and I just can't beleive how stupid and small some people can be. I"m adopted by my dad and it's never been an issue...until he died. My parents are divorced and I"m an only child so when he died it was me making all of the arrangements, etc. My uncle (my father's brother) actually asked me if the adoption was legal. I had brought my birth certificate just in case, I guess I always knew my father's family didn't take me as blood but my dad always did.

I wish you peace,

J

[nickychaz]

I might have an unpopular opinion, but I don't understand why you are hurt when your adoptive parents are treating you like their adoptive daughter.
That's exactly what you are. I am also an adoptee,
but never expected to be treated as if I was the biological child, because I am not. I am simply thankful that someone was nice enough to adopt me so that I would not have to grow up in a foster home.

[spaypets]

((Hogan))
I think you need to accept that your amother is emotionally abusive--the fact that you're adopted gave her an outlet for her abuse, but if you'd been her bio child she would have found something else to torment you with. It is never the child's fault when a parent is abusive. This is not a reflection on your worthiness. She will not change and that is painful to accept.

Nickychaz--Adoptive parents promise when they adopt to care for the child as if she is biologically theirs. It is immoral to treat an adopted child differently from a bio-child. Legally, adopted children are entitled to the same inheritance rights as biological children. There shouldn't be a difference in the amount or quality of love given either.