[TERTULLIAN64]

Did you get a lawyer and contest this in court? Some major legal issues here, though I understand if this wasn't on your priority list at the time. Just that I feel very strongly that adoptees aren't commodities to be discarded once we live out are usefulness (ie. adulthood), no matter what problems may exist - believe me, I've had more than I can count with my Afamily. In the end, they know I am one of three siblings - without distinction. Sorry if this is out-of-line. I have developed some very strong feelings and ideas since my reunion with my natural Mom in
December 2003. Suffice to say that the whole culture (not the theory or practice) surrounding the adoption industry (over many years) borders on a perverse psychosis.

[AlessiChrissy]

I was lucked to have a wonderful adad to me he is my dad. My mother was another story and i was treated differently than my sister who was my amom's real kid yet i wasn't told i was adopted until i was 24. So all those years i thought there was something wrong with me. I f you have told your amom the exent of the pain she has cause you and she still cannot open her heart to you and understand and own up to her wrongs than you need to do what is going to bring peace and closure to you. Your amom was lucky to have you and if she cannot realize that tehn it is her who is loosing out not you. God Bless You!

[adopted_78]

I guess the way I see it is that is emotional abuse. You aren't an adopted family pet. I think all of us adoptees have to deal with society telling us we have to feel forever grateful to our adopted parents for having adopted us and we have to forever feel grateful to our birth parents for giving us life. Truth is i only feel grateful to the creator for my life and what has become of it. They played a big part however I refuse to give praise to undeserving ungrateful bparents and aparents. Everyone can call me ungrateful and that's fine with me because I have been called alot worse names by amom and adad. So I can deal with it. Thing that bothers me most is why are children that are raised by their birth parents free of the burden of having to forever feel grateful to their birth parents for having given them life and then keeping them in their home? The people i know raised by their birth parents keep it real simple- "I didn't ask to be born into this world." Since more people are raised by their birth parents than people raised by adoptive parents this answer is accepted as such. What a double standard our society has created.

[restalyne]

My son...Tertullian64, responded to you...and he makes so many good points...He is an adooptee and I am his Mom...in every sense...HIS MOM..AND IT IS SO GREAT TO PUT THIS IN CAPITAL LETTERS...
We are very close...and his adoptive parents are and were very loving...he and I share something that noone else can share...and that is nature....there is noone in the world like Jerry and I...I have decided that over a year and one half..we are so very close and can talk about anything...I am so grateful that this son of mine found me...nothing on this planet can compare to the first time I heard his voice....As one who lost a son to death, this, to me is my miracle child...my firstborn who also grieves the loss of a brother he never knew...
in the meantime...I am the luckiest woman on the face of earth to have known my son, whom I gave birth to...in 1964..despite the odds of him finding me....I love him so darn much, it hurts....Linda

[dpen6]

Originally Posted by adopted_78

I guess the way I see it is that is emotional abuse. You aren't an adopted family pet. I think all of us adoptees have to deal with society telling us we have to feel forever grateful to our adopted parents for having adopted us and we have to forever feel grateful to our birth parents for giving us life. Truth is i only feel grateful to the creator for my life and what has become of it. They played a big part however I refuse to give praise to undeserving ungrateful bparents and aparents. Everyone can call me ungrateful and that's fine with me because I have been called alot worse names by amom and adad. So I can deal with it. Thing that bothers me most is why are children that are raised by their birth parents free of the burden of having to forever feel grateful to their birth parents for having given them life and then keeping them in their home? The people i know raised by their birth parents keep it real simple- "I didn't ask to be born into this world." Since more people are raised by their birth parents than people raised by adoptive parents this answer is accepted as such. What a double standard our society has created.

How true....Thgat is one thing I have picked up through out life...How grateful I must be. Don't get me wrong, I AM grateful that I was adopted into the family I have but why do I have to feel MORE grateful then the rest of the world??? Ot how about ..you should be grateful you were not aborted...

Unfortuanatly..you were adopted into a rotten family...Remember its not you...its them!!

[adopted_78]

Originally Posted by dpen6

How true....Thgat is one thing I have picked up through out life...How grateful I must be. Don't get me wrong, I AM grateful that I was adopted into the family I have but why do I have to feel MORE grateful then the rest of the world??? Ot how about ..you should be grateful you were not aborted...

Unfortuanatly..you were adopted into a rotten family...Remember its not you...its them!!

HEHE ~ I heard that abortion comment before. How about adoptive parents supposed to feel MORE grateful than birth parents about their new child? I am sure some probably do but that will never be required of them like it is of us.

[AKA Renee]

Originally Posted by Hogan181

Hi, I'm new here and have never posted before but I just don't know where else to go and thought someone here might have had a similiar experience and could give me some advice. I'm a 54yo adoptee who was adopted at the ago of 15mos. Since as far back as I can recall my afamily has found it necessary to make a distinction between my abrother who is their biological kid and me who as they refer to me is "not blood". Over the years I have been referred to as the "brat no one else wanted", as well as a "mistake". The situation that really continues to haunt me is being told that a family ring that has been handed down from mother to daughter will [of course] go to my brother because he "is blood". My brother finally told my amom that the ring should rightly go to me and that if he got it he was going to give it to me. So, my amom has changed her mind and only recently gave it to my cousin who is her "blood" neice. I am angry and hurt as I have tried all my life to be a daughter to my aparents but clearly that isn't as good as being "blood". As I understand adoption, the adoptee is supposed to be treated no differently than biological family, which to my recollection has never been the case with me. I have tried on numerous times to explain my feelings to my amom without success. I am at the end of my patience. I can no longer allow myself to be continually hurt. Short of cutting off all contact, I don't know what I can do. Can anyone help?
Thanks,
Jane

'

I was raised with the "not blood" comments, too. I also got "we gave you a home.." "even your own mother didn't want you" Blah Blah Blah. I was also physically abused by her and ran away at 16. I understand how you feel completely! My amom passed away when I was 24. Before she died she told me she "never liked me but loved me because I was her daughter". Kinda makes you wonder what the adoption agencies looked for in candidates in 1963!

[misspiwackit]

I am not an adoptee (actually a bmom) but even natural born child can be made to feel inferior to another sibling or that whatever you do it's just not good enough for Dad or Mom or both.

Somewhere between 10 and 15 years ago I was driving my Dad to the airport so he could see my brother. Well first of all he crabbed because I was on the highway, not the way he would go, then I turned off to go his long way and he stills was crabbing. After years of this , always being made to feel like whatever I did was never good enough. I stopped the car and ordered him OUT. I told him I was tried of trying to gain his acceptance, tried of being told everything I did was wrong, tried of trying to get him to love me. I told him I just didn't give a rat's a** anymore whether he love me or not. That I knew I was a apable responsible person and if he wanted me in his life he would just have to accept me on my terms. Told him to get out! Well he didn't he said he would sit quietly.

But you know what? From that day forward our relationship changed. He saw me in a new light. All along my Dad did love me and want the best for me, I know that now but as a child I didn't. But once I took control of my life he couldn't.

[MomofanAngel]

Referring to the last post, WOW! That's a quick revolution. That's amazing that you took that moment in your own direction, and it changed everything for both of you. WOW!


Hogan,
regarding:
"At first I told my cousin that I didn't want the ring as it would only be a reminder that my afamily never really accepted me. But the more I think about it, I think that I will gleefully take it, have it made into something entirely different and pass it on to my daughter! Sometimes revenge is sweet"
Apparently your afamily did accept you.....your brother and your cousin! Yay! They believe you deserve that ring. They see you as family. I know it's not the same as your mother but still. That says a lot to me. I hope it does to you. You have a great attitude!

[nickychaz]

I have been reading this post, and as an adoptee, am a bit suprised. Many of you seem upset that an amother would want to leave a ring to someone in her biological family. Is that really so bad ? I certainly never expected
my afamily to leave me anything in their wills. I was simply grateful to them that they made sure that I was
taken care of as a child. If it was not for them, I would have continued to live in foster care.
Many of you seem to want so much more from your adoptive parents instead of appreciating what you were given. After all these people were strangers who took you in, clothed you, fed you, and cared for you, when your biologcal parents could not, or chose not to.

[dpen6]

ok nicky..I am trying to understand where you are coming from..your other posts on the "rude thread" are totally opposite from this comment. A child is adopted as a child and is desserving of the food, clothes ect.......we do not need to feel "more grateful" then any other child. If parents adopted a child it is expected that they being the adult will do this for a child and I beleive most aparents do this without adding guilt to the child....we all deserve to eat and be clothed..

[nickychaz]

Perhaps you are thinking of someone else's quote. I have never blamed my afamily for giving me the chance to live as close to normal a life as possible. In fact, I have always said that I respect them and appreciate them for it. I understand that adoption was surrounded by guilt, shame, etc. by all parties and can not blame my aparents for that. If anyone is to blame, it is society.
As I stated on my other post, I believe that my bmother
still feels guilty after all of these years and this is why she refuses contact with me.

[nobodys_child]

Nicky wrote:

"Many of you seem to want so much more from your adoptive parents instead of appreciating what you were given. After all these people were strangers who took you in, clothed you, fed you, and cared for you, when your biologcal parents could not, or chose not to."

Nicky,

What I wanted from my adoptive parents was to feel like I belonged & was accepted by them & their extended families. Even the biological ones who have done "bad" things have always been loved & accepted in spite of breaking laws, going to jail, drug abuse, etc.

I am the one that has been treated as an outsider, even though I have never done any of the above things. My a-mother constantly critisizes everything I do. Nothing has ever been good enough for her. For example, I went to a relative's wedding a couple of years ago, & did all the photography at cost because she couldn't afford a "real photographer." I did not sit at the family table, there wasn't room for me, but they made sure I sat at a table far away from everyone else, including my a-mother. It was as though I wasn't really part of that family, & it certainly made me feel as if I was just there to provide a service. I never even really got a thank you from anyone for the work I provided. I worked from start to finish...several hours. It's ok, I love photography & even though it was work, I did enjoy that part of it & chalk it up to experience, even though parts of it were painful.

Growing up I was provided with food & clothing, & schooling (which is not the complaint), but there was a lot of physical, emotional, & sexual abuse I also had to endure. It was tough to always be the outsider whether it was with supposed family, or in neighborhoods, or at school. I not only didn't belong in my a-parents' homes, but also not anywhere in the communities where I grew up. There is nothing that could make up for the all the abuse...no amount of money or could compensate for the physical or emotional damage inflicted on me from the time I was a very young child.

But if I could have made the choice, I would have preferred either to have been aborted or to have grown up in an orphanage. At least there, everyone is in the same boat. Call me an ingrate if you will, but I feel that no child deserves to be treated to a lifetime of abuse & service just because a roof, food, clothing, & education are provided by the parents whether they are biological or not. Children are not born just to be used & abused by other so-called human beings. Slavery in the United States was found to be unconstitutional back in Lincoln's administration. Yet growing up, I realized that was exactly my status in the house...a slave for the two people I called parents. Indeed to this very day, they still expect me to provide whatever service they desire & we are talking 40+ years after they "paid for me." I feel the only way I will be truly free is if they both die or I do, which ever occurs first!

As far as wills go...I'm an only child. My a-parents couldn't possibly provide any compensation for all the stuff they have put me through wittingly or not. I don't care if I get one thin dime from them. They can leave everything to their "real" family for all I care! All I can hope for is that once they are finally gone (or I am), I'll get the peace I have longed for ever since I can remember. That would be compensation enough! And as far as the rest of their families go, they can all kiss my grits! I know how they really feel about me, & I don't owe them anything.

[MomofanAngel]

Nobodys Child,

I'm sitting here crying. You have led the EXACT same life I have. I can't believe it. Down to every detail. We're like twins. I have endured every single thing you talk about, even the same thinking and reactions to our lives.

What's going on now? Do you have a relationship with your aparents?

[nickychaz]

I am so sorry for all that you have gone through ! I don't blame you for the way you feel about your parents. Most of my afamily was never able to accept me, but it was not done openly.
As for my amother, she was always kind to me and I honestly believe that she did the best she could.
Nobody's child, do you have any children of your own ?
If so, I am sure that you can be the kind of mother to them that no one ever was to you. You sound like a very special person and I am so sorry for what you have been put through !
I was just wondering whether you are seraching for, or have found your bfamily.