[tsbahrs]

Hello,

I was fortunate enough to find my birth parents about eight years ago and deciced to change my last name back to what it should have been. So I contacted a lawyer and got it changed. but the one thing that upset me was that the lawyer was unable to put my biological parents names on my new birth certificate, in fact I was told that they would have to adopt me to have their names added to it. My Bfather is all for it, but I'm not getting the same response from my Bmother. So my question is - do they really have to adopt me back or was the lawyer mistaken ? Can't I as an adult decide who to put on the certificate? I'm just trying to set the record straight about who I am and whom I came from.

BTW
I grew up as Todd Randall McDonald born 11/11/1965 in Redondo Beach, Ca a.k.a Baby boy coloton

New and correct name:
Todd Scott Bahrs

Todd - from Amom
Scott - The name my Bmom had chosen for me
Bahrs - Bfathers family name

All of the Bio family is from Upstate New York and Northen New Jersey.

Thanks

[BrandyHagz]

Yes, they would have to legally adopt you, if adult adoption is allowed in your state.

Otherwise, your legal parents will remain on your birth certificate.

[raduga]

I've heard that it's possible for children to "divorce" their parents... if you "divorced" your a-parents, terminating any legal relation to them, would it be possible then to remove their names from your birth certificate? I don't know if that's what you want - it wouldn't get your b-parents names back on the certificate, but it might give you more of a say in how you are legally identified.

[BrandyHagz]

A person cannot be without someone listed on his or her birth certificate. “Divorcing” your parents only separating the legal rights…an in most cases the term “Divorcing your parents” really means emancipation…and only minors can be emancipated.

The only legal way to change the parents listed on your birth certificate is to be adopted by someone else, making them your parents.

In states where adult adoption is legal, the rules for adult adoption are pretty relaxed…in at least one state, age isn’t even a factor…

If removing your adoptive parents from your birth certificate is your goal, then adult adoption is your only option.

[tsbahrs]

I'm curious how the whole adult adoption process would work. Since all three of us live in different states, would they need to come to the state that I currently live in, or could we all decide on a state and have the process done there. Also, my bmom doesn't want to see my bfather so I'm sure that would complicate the whole process a bit. She doesn't want to see him, but he would really like to see her as he was very much in love with her, but she ended the relationship to date someone else that she eventually married.
(She never told him that she was pregnant)

Thanks for any advice and have a great day,

Todd Bahrs

[BrandyHagz]

Todd, you'd have to find out what the residency laws are in both states and if both allows adult adoption.

As far as your birthparents go…since they aren’t married to each other…that presents other issues.

You’ll need to find out if they can even adopt you as an adult since they aren’t married…or will it require two different adoptions…not only that, if your birthmother elects to do an adult adoption to adopt you…what about her husband? Would he then be considered your legal father? Would you have to then terminate his rights and do a stepparent adoption?

You really should talk to an attorney and find out about the legal aspects…

[tsbahrs]

As usual no clear cut and easy answer. Unfortunately I'm dealing with three states. My mother is widowed,but my father is still married and his wife doesn't seem to be to happy about me, so maybe I'd be better off leaving it alone for now. I guess I'll just have to decide how important it really is to me to clear this up.

Thanks for your assistance Brandy,
Todd

[mikenkate]

Todd,

My husband was adopted at the age of 10 from Korea. His adoptive father was mentally ill and a pedophile. Needless to say, they do not have a relationship now. (Or at any time since my husband ran away at the age of 16.) When he turned thirty, he said he couldn't bear to carry that man's name around anymore. We went to court and had his name legally changed back to his birth name. (Simple name change hearing) I know that he too would like his adoptive father's name off his birth certificate. At least for my husband, when he reunited with his birthmother three years ago (which has been so healthy for him) he got a copy of his "real" Korean birth certificate. If you ever do figure out how to get an adoptive parent's name off, please let me know. I really feel that there should be exceptions to this rule for children who were abused by their a-parents. Good Luck.

Kate

[BrandyHagz]

Kate,

Your husband can be adopted as an adult…

If the goal is just to get his adoptive fathers name off the birth certificate, then ask a good friend to adopt him…

I agree, its very frustrating that “legal parents” can remain on the birth certificate, when they weren’t parents at all.

[devotedadoptee]

Todd, you wrote

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Im just trying to set the record straight about who I am and whom I came from. 


I apologize if I'm missunderstanding but by changing your name this will justify who you are? I understand why Kate's husband changed his name and would want his adoptive father's name off his BC. Was your aparents abusive? I'm just not getting it.........it's totally your decision, of course. But if your aparents were loving parents, isn't it dissrespecting them?
My afather is almost non-existing due to him having his "own" children but my amom has been loving and caring for me all my life. She's already struggling with my reunion but to even dare suggest changing my name much less changing my BC would break her heart. Gosh I just couldn't even imagine what adoptive parents that has done nothing against the child that they raised, loved, and nurtured would feel like hearing that.

Michelle

PS Please don't take offense. Just confused!

[tsbahrs]

Hey Michelle,
I understand your point. My adoptive situation was not a good experience. My adoptive father and mother devorced before I can ever remember them living together. My second father or step father was very physically and verbaly abusive to me. My amom and third father had me physically removed from there home shortly after my 17th birthday and sent to a reform school in Utah - they had three big ex-BYU football players handcuff me and pick me up and carry me from their home. They signed over their parental rights to me to this "school" and got me out of their lives. I hadn't broken any laws or anything else I just didn't get along with my parents and they didn't feel like dealing with me any longer.
I'm leaving alot of the gorry details out and just giving you some of my reasons for wanting to set the record straight. I carried the name of a man that I don't know and don't want to know - and as far as my amom is concerned - I have done my best to forgive and forget, but I still don't see the need to leave her name on my birth certificate - she didn't give birth to me. I don't believe that she would ever know that I had her taken off of my birth certificate anyways. I just never felt any natural affection toward her the way I do for my Bmom.

Aside from all of this, I get a little irritated by adoptees that are afraid to search or set the record straight for fear of upsetting their Aparents. I think the adoptive parents should be a little more sensitive the their adoptive kids needs to know where they came from.

I'm assuming your life as an adoptee was better than mine so I can understand your feelings, but unfortunately things didn't work out that way for me. BTW - no offense taken.

Have a great day,
Todd Bahrs

[devotedadoptee]

Hey Todd, thank you for sharing. And pleasing my protective nature I really am sorry for your past and the hurt you endured. I agree with you 100% about adoptive parents being more sensitive to adoptee's that need to find your own identity. I'm still going through a tug-a-war with my amom and I've been reunited with my bmom for almost 5 years! And yes the guilt is there. But like you I have to do what I need to do to feel complete.
Todd, I am so happy that you and your bdad are getting along so great. I've read a lot of stories but rarely hear about the bfather. He sounds like a wonderful compassionate man. And I'm sure he is honored that you took his name back.

Many blessings and Merry Christmas!

Michelle