[Purduegrad]

Eight years ago I met my birth dad and his family for the first time. I also found out that I have two full sisters and a brother.
My birthparents ended up getting married a year after putting me up for adoption. They were married for eight years and then divorced.
My problem is with my birth sisters and brother. They have not welcomed me into the family at all. My sister who is a couple of years younger than me held off meeting me for five years because she didn't want to give up her position as the oldest. I have received nothing but the cold shoulder from them.
My birth dad, while originally supportative and eager to get to know me and my family, has stopped dropping by and calling as well. I've sent him cards with his gandchildrens' pictures in them and asked him to call. No response. I feel that he has decided to go along with his childrens' wishes and not rock the boat.
Any advice on how I can save what is left of my relationship with my birth dad, or is it too late?


Thanks, Ann

[bridges]

Ann,

I met my five half brothers and sisters on my birth mother's side 22 + - years ago. I've had a very good and close relationship with my oldest sister (who thought she was the oldest until I came along). Only this year did I really begin to develop a close relationship with my other two sisters. One decided she wanted to get to know me after she accepted Jesus as her Savior last fall. The other decided it was time to get to know me when she learned that she might be a whole sister rather than a half sister. Things do change.

We lost our oldest brother in April. He died of juvinile diabetes. So I understand the feelings of urgency. It's hard to know when to be patient. I've tried to take the slow, steady approach. I've never given up on having a relationship. I'd rather keep attempting than quit and wonder, "What if."

The fact that you posted leads me to believe you won't give up either.

Welcome to the forum.

(((hugs)))

Carolyn Kay

[blankenb4]

Ann,

How sad that your bdad would let his children get in the way of a relationship with you. It's doubly sad because they are full siblings. I recently told my children about my birth daughter. I got mixed emotions from them especially from my oldest who is a girl. She had always thought she was the oldest. But after much dialogue between the two of us everything is aokay.

Have you tried calling your birth dad and confronting him with where he is coming from?

Barbara

[Purduegrad]

Barbara,

I haven't tried calling him recently. The last time I called him was in October and I really got the deep freeze. When I called he wasn't at home and his wife said that she would give him the message. When I called a couple of hours later she said "I told you I would give him the message!" When he finally did call he acted really distant, as if he didn't want to talk to me. I think he only called back because he felt guilty.
I just don't understand how such a promising relationship could have gone so wrong.
Right after I met the youngest sister, I saw her in a restaurant talking to a woman, who I later find out was the sister who didn't want to meet me, and I overheard her tell our sister that she thought I was weird. Great, uh? Just makes me want to run up and give them a hug. Not!
But honestly, I would love to be part of their family. I just feel that nobody wants to let me in. My husband tells me to give it up, that it isn't worth getting hurt. What he doesn't understand is that I am already hurt. He comes from a loving family so he has no idea. My adoptive family was loving but my adoptive mom never let me forget that I was adopted.


Ann

[bridges]

Ann,

I just wanted to interject that I have been active in another thread sharing some of the struggles of trying to get our family and friends to understand. They seem to think we should "get over it." As one person suggested, "If their entire family was killed all at once, could they 'just get over it'." I think not.

Carolyn Kay

[Purduegrad]

Hi,

I think most people don't understand the need for adoptees to find their biological family. They feel that we should just be grateful we were adopted in the first place and leave the entire subject alone.
My adoptive mom was happy that I waited until my adoptive dad died before I searched for my family. She said that he would have been hurt by the whole process.
I tried to make my adoptive mom see my point of view. She grew up knowing where she came from and her family's history. I did not. And even though I have found my biological family, they haven't wanted to give my any information medical or otherwise. I have found part of my puzzled but their are still large holes in my life.
My husband tries to understand, but I think in the long run he doesn't want to see me hurt.

Ann

[bridges]

Ann,

I'm so grateful Barbara posted to give us a perspective from a birth mother. I wish more birth moms and dads would share their perspective in this forum.

I'll be 50 this year and I still feel the need to know who my family really is (and who I really am). Part of the reason I put some of my search on hold was my dad (adoptive) like yours would have been hurt if I gave my birth family too much attention.

I hope you will continue to reach out to your b. dad. Let us know how it goes -- the highs and the lows. We'll continue to be here.

Carolyn Kay

[wretzack]

Hi!!

I was reading your thread about the difficult relationships and about the sibs not liking the adoptee. And ALL of it is sad.

I am a Bmom...and I hope you don't mind that I jumped in here. I don't know if there is anything that I could ever say or do to ever make a difference to anybody, but I'll put in my two cents.....if thats o.k. But you will have to forgive me because I am feel VERY strongly about certain issues. Most of the time I do try to stay ob-jective.....but that doesn't always go real well!!!

Anyway...Ann, I really think that your Bdad should have stepped up to the plate. SO WHAT IF THE BOAT GETS ROCKED!!!!!! Has anyone re-
minded these selfish siblings that you ARE THEIR FULL SISTER???????
That is where the Bdad should of really stepped in. I have so much more to say.........but have to go RIGHT now.....Food is Burning!!!!


But I will come back.

Take care........ALL of you.

Simone

[Purduegrad]

Carolyn Kay...Barbara...Simone



Hi,

My bdad has told me that he tried to tell his kids that I was their full sister. They understand that I am their full sister, but his oldest daughter said that she didn't have to accept me if she didn't want to.

I really think that he has taken the easy way out.
I also need to sit down and talk to my bdad because I have a lot of resentment towards him. I was born two months early (weighed 2pds 13 oz) because my bdad pushed my bmom down a flight of stairs. I have physical problems that I think are a result of being born early.
Still, I would like to have some kind of relationship with him.

Ann

[wretzack]

It's me again....the one with some very strong feelings on this issue!!

You mentioned that your Bdad was abusive. And since he had your brother and sisters shortly after you, do you think he was abusive with them also? Chances are.....he surely was. Now, an abusive parent (and the spouse) will try to "make up" for the abuse by spoiling their children....by giving them things that they don't need, or don't deservce, or just shouldn't have... but yet the abuse continues at the same time. Maybe these kids can't GIVE love because they didn't GET love. BUT.....there comes an age where there should be no excuse for this kind of behavior. They KNOW that shutting you out is wrong....but they continue....because they don't want to sacrifice the little bit of the dad that they have/love. So they are still doing the "spoiled kid" routine. Have you tried contact again recently? Let me know. Please. This may sound really harsh, Ann.....but there truly are people out there ( whether they are related to you or not ), that DO NOT deserve more than a couple of chances. I sure hope I'm not hurting your feelings by saying this about your Bdad....but it sounds to me like you are just a little bit too sweet to get drudged up in what may be a not healthy relationship. As badly as we all want that, sometimes it is not good for us. Please let us know what is happening, K?

Simone

[Purduegrad]

Hi Simone.


I haven't tried to contact my bdad since October. Believe it or not, he did stop by a couple of days before Christmas and leave gifts for the kids, but I wasn't here at the time. I wrote him a thankyou note and tried to call him, but got no response. In my note I once again gave him my phone number and told him he could stop by any time.
When I talked to him in October I mentioned that I was having problems with my hip joints and that I might have to have them replaced. The problems with my hips are due to the fact that I was born early. My bdad said "aren't you a little young for that? You are only 34." He didn't sound sorry about my problem at all. It makes me think he really doesn't care.
When it comes to my bsibs my bdad told me when I first met him that his kids only come around when they want something from him. Maybe there was abuse in their past. This is the first time I have ever thought about it.

Ann

[aud61]

I was found by my b-brother almost 4yrs ago. At first he called and came around.Then all communication stopped I tried calling him and at first he acted like he didn't know me then he kinda just blew me off. So this led me to believe that he didn't want anything to do with me.But honestly I think there were things going on with my b-family that I didn't know about.I know that there is a b=sister as he has told me about her but he says that he doesn't realy like her as she thinks that she is better than everyone and he has also said that he doesn't like my b-mother very much either. I have never spoken to either one of them nor have they tried to contact me.Recently though my b-brother has come back into my life in fact he just moved into a house 2 blocks from mine. Ithink that his family was somehow keeping him from talkingor having anything to do with me and that for some reason they seem they seem threatened by my existence. Even though we are not real close it's nice to know that he really doesn't hate me.In fact he begged me not to hate him because of his mother. aud61

[Aquaristar]

This may not be an appropriate reply to your post, however, I am in a very similar situation and am looking for the same help.

My husband found out five years ago that the man he was told was his biological father (who was entirely absent) was actually NOT his father. His mother had lied to him to protect his feelings. He was doing contstruction on a house and felt drawn to the homeowner. To make a very long story short, he received a phone call from this homeowner asking if he would submit to a DNA test because he believed he was his biological father. The test proved his theory correct.

Since the DNA test, my husband has remembered meeting a man when he was about 8 years old ~ his biological father. So now we have discovered that his b father has known about him all along.

We are a very successful couple with a wonderful son. We've done it all by ourselves through hard work and determination and do not need anyone for anything financially or materialistically. It has always seemed as though his step siblings, of which there are four, have despised us since our introduction. They werent avoiding us, but instead would do things to intentionally hurt us. The most recent was the absolute worst.

We were invited to a mutual relatives wedding upon where I was attacked by my husbands half sister as he was being attacked by one of his half brothers.

We no longer know what to do.

My husband has NEVER had a father, and this finding was his answer from God. Now he wonders what he has done to deserve this contact rejection and hurt.

My advise to ANY AND EVERY ONE looking for their birthparents is to make sure that it is actually what you want. Remember Pandoras Box.

[Azureone]

Hi Purduegrad,

I want to encourage you in your journey. It isn't easy for any members of the triad, including full siblings. Did they know about you before you were introduced? (hope I didn't missed that info in one of your postings).

It also sounds like your birthfather is experiencing pressure from your siblings...(kinda like sibling rivalry and that's normal). When I say *normal* I am suggesting that perhaps you are fitting in more than it might seem.

My advice? (since you're asking). Stay consistent and don't allow yourself to react (at least not in front of them)...people in these kinds of situations seem to be attracted to those that do not falter or whose buttons are easily pushed. Does that make sense?

Perhaps your birthfather will "get it" and see you for the person that you are today. In the meantime, know that there are those of us who do understand the crazy-making in the adoptees world and we're behind you cheering loudly and waving our pom-poms.

AzUrE

[shanmarq]

My birth sibs do not like me, either. They are half siblings. The sister wrote to me, before even meeting me, that "she did not want to hurt my feelings but she did not want a sister." My one half brother, ironically a half brother by adoption, stated at a family picnic in answer to my cousin's question about what airline I flew in on,"She flew in on a broom." The other half brother just stared at me hostilely and refused to speak to me.


My bio Dad was very nice to me until he found out I am a Pagan and a member of the Green Party. (He is a far right Republican and a fundamentalist Christian.) Since a fight on Dec. 23, 2004, we are no longer speaking. (I refuse to join his church or his political party.) At this point in time my attitude is, good bye and good riddance!