[Luker8]

After finding her recently we’ve talked a lot and it’s pretty clear we have a strong bond between us after 32 years apart. We arranged to meet for the first time this Saturday. I told my family last week and they were very supportive, which was a relief, especially as I was more nervous about telling them than re-uniting.

When I was adopted she was with her present husband. Although he stood by her while pregnant with someone else’s baby, he wasn’t prepared to look after me. They were poverty stricken as well as the bdad was the son of a rival farming family and the scandal in a small Irish community would have been too much. She also didn’t want to spend the rest of her days with my bdad.

She rang me yesterday to cancel our reunion! She decided to tell her husband what was going on and he’s gone nuts. He’s not slept in a week and keeps pacing up and down saying things like “the shame of it!” “What will everyone say” “the family will be torn apart!” “What if he turns up on the doorstep” “What if the kids find out” etc. totally lost the plot. I thought she had already told him! I didn’t realise the subject had been taboo since they’ve been married. She can’t believe the reaction she’s had off him and is worried that he’ll never calm down. She still wants to meet up but will wait for the dust to settle before arranging a secret meeting.

Does anyone who been in this situation got any thoughts how we go on from here. I just hope I’ve not wrecked her life.

[Cheryl62]

Luker8:

I don't have any personal experience to offer, because I haven't found my birthfamily yet. But I did want to offer you support and encouragement. You must be very disappointed, and also concerned. But there are some positive things too. At least her husband knew about your existance, so it's not like it comes as a total surprise to him. I'm sure he's upset, but I wouldn't think this would be nearly as damaging to their relationship as it would be if he had never known. And, it's great that your birthmom still wants to see you, even if it means doing it more privately. I'm betting that when the dust settles, it'll all be ok. Let us know, though, and in the meantime, we'll be thinking of you, and your birthmom.

[Luker8]

Thanks for your reply. I’ve been really lucky so far with my family, the search and my birth mother. This was just a blip compared to some of the stories I’ve read in these forums. I thought it could take months/years to trace her but after I sent a letter to the adoption agency they replied in 2 days to say they had an address and come in and talk about it! I sincerely hope you have the same good fortune I’ve had. Good luck with your search.

I got a call yesterday from my birth mother who said he’d calmed down a bit and actually ate breakfast with her and was “almost pleasant”. Looks like he needed to sort his head out and also send her a message that he didn’t want me interfering with his life. He must have been living in some kind of fantasy world where I never happened and the last week he’s been going through withdrawal symptoms.

xx

[Cheryl62]

I'm so happy to hear he has calmed down a little. Has your birthmom said anything more about meeting? It may take a little more time, but I hope it will happen soon for you. Let us know!

Wishing you even more good news in the days to come,

Cheryl

[CBear7613]

Luker8:

Great news on finding your b/mum. I too found my b/mum and corresponded with her and her husband (she met him not long after she had me) He always knew I existed and was very nice but OVERLY involved in my reunion with my b/mum. In the end unfortunately it was her husband that stopped me communicating with my b/mum. I am glad to hear your b/mums husband is calming down. I hope all goes well for you! Just remember take it slow and enjoy!!!

CBear7613

[l-thompson]

Luker ~ Your birthmoms husband, although having a "bit of a crazy moment" at least it hasn't been directed at you as such, its more a concern of what will people think? That to me is actually not a bad sign....I would be concerned if he was making personal comments in regard to you making contact.

Even though he has always known of your existence he was possibly in shock to find you certainly did exist and you wanted to make contact. Your birthmom is obviously quite strong as she has indicated she still wants contact with you but is just giving her husband some time to settle......so nice that she isn't going to allow him to dictate what she can do.
Its also part of their past life and it does bring back the memories and they can be extremely hard to deal with. As always, time works wonders.

Good luck and keep us posted on how things are progressing

[Luker8]

Well what can I say? We’ve had a few meetings now. The first time was just amazing. She didn’t tell her husband we were meeting up so things were a little cloak & dagger. We arranged to meet a few weeks later. I didn’t know where this place was so about 10 mins away she calls to say she’s parked at the side of the road and to hoot my horn and she would lead the way. Anyway, I came from a different direction so ended up in the park before her. She called again, I told her I was already there! I knew what car to look out for and watched it approach (was really nervous and excited at this point) and she drove straight past me! She called again “Where are you?” “I’m right here!” I said looking right at her. She got out the car and as we embraced for the first time said “your beautiful” I said “so are you”. All together now….

We spent all day catching up. She’s a lovely woman and I couldn’t take me eyes off her. We’ve met since and talk a lot on the phone. She called yesterday in shock because my half sister has found out she’s 7 months pregnant! And didn’t know?! I think she should return the favour and say “Oh by the way you’ve got a 33 year old brother!” we had a good laugh about that one.