[newmommy]

hi - i am looking for some suggestions and i'm hopeful i will get some good tips. i found my b-mom over 7 yrs ago. she was very bitter about having to give me up and blames everyone but herself. i figured the griping and complaining would stop but never have. she inundated my fiance with it when he met her. i've tried to help her and be there as a support for her but she is a bit unstable mentally and emotionally and really needs to see a therapist. my new husband can't stand her b/c the last 2 times we went for a visit, she had some *psycho* moments that made us both uncomfortable and i was mortified by what she was saying about her own mother.

anyway, now i'm expecting a little girl and i'm so worried she will see my daughter as a substitute for what she gave up. she isn't willing to give up the pain and seems to expect me to be her daughter now and be a part of her family. when she introduces me she says this is my daughter and will refer to herself as my mother in conversations. i've never been comfortable with it but let it go b/c i thought it would be therapeutic for her. i have always been upfront with her by telling her i do have a mother and she can't be my mother but we can be friends whenever she gets all weepy on how she wants to be my mother (she's very jealous of my a-mom). now, with my daughter's birth fast approaching, i need to tell her to stop with the mother/daughter references and that i was never really comfy with it but didn't want to hurt her feelings. i don't want my daughter confused on who her *real* grandmother is. my a-mom is the only person i consider to be my mom. i also need to tell her that her actions are driving a wedge between us and have completely alienated my dh. (he doesn't want her around our kids). also, that i can't be the daughter she gave up nor can i bring her peace with her past and that i'm worried she'll expect to much out of my baby's birth. basically, i need to take a step back, set some boundaries and establish a relationship that's comfortable for me.
she has called crying b/c we don't spend as much time together and has been very needy and has basically forced me to invite her over for a visit (did i tell you she lives about 40mins away while my parents live several states away?). i try to explain to her i'm a newlywed, work full time and don't get to see my own family and inlaws that much.
there is so much more to this story but sometimes i wish i'd never opened pandora's box.

any suggestions? anyone else been in a similar situation? i wish i'd been a bit more reserved in the beginning but realized how unstable my bmom is and didn't want to upset the applecart when she seemed so happy to see me.

[PinkRibbon]

Ugh! How stressful. Perhaps you can insist that she seek therapy as a prerequisite for having a relationship with your daughter. It's never too late to set strong boundaries and insist that she follow through with them. That way the ball is in her court and the decision is up to her. If she follows through, she might become less unstable. If she doesn't... well that's her choice.
This is your life and your family now. You will be the mom, now and protecting your daughter will be among your top priorities .

[newmommy]

thanks for both of your replies. i think that i have figured out a way to handle this situation that's less stressful for me. whenever something happens that i am uncomfortable with, i will address it at that point vs sitting down and overwhelming her with all the issues i have at once.
she definitely needs to address her past ghosts and i can't help her with that. but, she is a part of who i am and i really don't want to walk away. at the same time i don't want my little ones experiencing her built up hatred for the past. it can be a bit scary.
she doesn't know where to draw the line. when i finally told her i was pregnant (i put it off until i couldn't anymore) she said she hoped that she would get to be in the delivery room with me. eeewww. she seemed hurt when i said it was just going to be my husband.
luckily being pg has given me a backbone where before i would have caved in so as not to hurt her.
i do think that you bmom's are amazing and i'm trying to see things from her point of view.

[Brenda Logsdon]

Kudos on sorting through the mess of feelings! I am in a very similar situation although i am not a parent or parent to be(I am a stepparent.) The key to quieting the drama for me is becoming clear...boundaries! i usually have a firm handle on limits and boundaries in my other relationships. This is new, overwhelming and different but the same approach is essential; in order for me to stay safe, grounded, etc. I have recently begun to analagize this experience as Pandora's box as well. I am not sure what my response will be yet but it will include boundaries.

[jude4691]

Hi newmommy,
My relationship has broken down with my bmum, but I think she had all sorts of bitterness and unresolved feelings about my adoption that never properly came out.When I decided to adopt I think all the unresolved anger came out in a critical way towards me, but then there seemed to be no way for my mother to work through it.
Maybe your situation is a bit healthier because at least you can clearly see there is a problem.If your mum could get counselling now, maybe you could have a better relationship in the future. However, I wonder if some bmums have been so hurt by adoption that they find it too hard to face thier demons and too hard to trust a counsellor. My mum always has to be right-even my birth sister says that. She would claim my mum has never apologised for anything.Maybe if my adoption was such a big "wrong",she cannot ever bear to be wrong again.
You have to protect yourself and your child-you cannot heal your mum-she needs to find help to do that. You are not her saviour and you need to make sure she is not having expectations of you that you are not comfortable with.My mum became highly critical of my children and unfortunately when she would not stop criticising and interfering I had to cut her out of my life as it just got destructive.
I really hope you can work this through.I learnt that although I wish I could be my mum's little girl again, I'm not,and it's not appropriate for her to treat me like a little girl when I am now a grown woman.

[marimari]

Wow...you are in a position where what ever you do will hurt your birthmother, yourself, and any possible relationship in the future. It sounds like you are pretty frustrated right now, which is understandable...as you said, you are a newlywed and expecting your first child...that's a lot right there, with all of the changes your body is going through...your bmom sounds like she has a lot to deal with, as well. As a birthmother myself, I can tell you from my perspective that there are a lot of emotions that come up, altho one would think that after seven years, she'd have gone through most of them. I imagine that hearing from you that you only want a friendship is difficult to reconcile with. You are to her a daughter...her daughter as well as your adopted mom's. She has had a lot of remorse, etc., over the years, and for her, possibly, to not be able to embrace you and be embraced back equally probably tears her apart...as it's doing to you. Plus, if she is aware of how your husband feels...she becomes the odd man...woman...out. Am sure you've told her how you feel; she sounds like she'd like time with just you maybe...as any friend does, when maybe just the two of you can meet for lunch or dessert after work or something, so she feels welcomed into your life...again, like any friend. Did you meet before you met your husband or married? Was your relationship different then? Does your adoptive family feel happy for you in this reunion? Did they from the beginning? Perhaps the dynamics have changed since all of these events. May I suggest looking into yourself as well.
She's maybe afraid of experiencing more rejection from you after the baby is born, so is doing whatever she can to keep a hold on you. And, yes, there is the possibility that she will absolutely fall in love with your child...who is connected to her by virtue of your birth to her. Am guessing that she loves you a great deal, therefore the pain of losing you is immense and probably driving her bonkers within her own brain. If I were her, I'd want to hear that you do value me, etc, and you do hope that all of you can remain connected in a meaningful way, but that for you, right now, the stress is becoming too much, especially with the baby on the way, etc. And as much as you care or may care about her, sometimes you feel torn because you can't even spend time with your other family members, who also mean a great deal to you, and have no impact on how you feel about her. Give her hope, at best, that after your lives settle down, that perhaps some sort of "date time" can be set up; if she has other children, draw her memory back to how hard it sometimes was to juggle everything. I don't know if anything will work, but treating her with compassion and love is a nice start; it's going to difficult now to redo the boundries, but do be as honest as possible, while trying to do so with kindness. Let her know, too, that you are sorry for her feelings being hurt..that's not your intention, am sure. Talk with your husband, too, about it, try to empathize with your b-mom, both of you. Experience has taught me that we sometimes judge others using today's standards, rather than how things were back then...whether we know it or not. Those judgements can come through loud and clear if not in words, then in actions.
Am not sure if I was able to say anything at all that might help, but I hope that you will be available for her some times, for special times for the two of you. Who found whom? Who looked?Best wishes to you and congratulations on your pregnacy...it's such a joyous and scary time, isn't it? Take care of yourself and your baby.

[twogrls]

I can totally relate. I posted in the wrong spot earlier about in family adoption problems. Maybe you can find it. Anyhow, before my first daughter was born I wrote a note clearly telling my bmom that I wanted to stick to the legal terms (which would have my kids call her aunt). She, three and a half years later, is still not willing to understand that my young children will not comprehend what a birth mother is and I see no point in confusing them.

My suggestion is to have the most direct contact you can comfortably and safely, and explain CLEAR boundaries. Just be ready for whatever this might do to your relationship. I grew up knowing my bmom, and now that my real mom is deceased, it's sad to see how the relationship has fallen apart with my bmom. My real mom held things together for us all when it comes to the adoption issue. I had to set clear terms, politely, but firmly in order to have peace about my daughter being born. There's no reason to have a bunch of confusion and mess to deal with when you are celebrating a new baby.

I wouldn't tell her to get counselling or help as a prerequisite b/c you may find that no matter what she does, you still feel better not having her as a sig. part of your life or your childrens. Some people are just not going to come around, for whatever sad reason (that's been the case here anyway).

Perhaps there is some comfort knowing you are not alone in having a bmom who is a bit "messed up".

Take care,
Mom to two girls and another baby on the way!