[ChristiBender]

OK... this must be a common issue.... but I didn't see a recent thread dealing with it. So... what the heck - maybe we can chat here about it.

I am a 40 yr old adult adoptee. I have been in reunion with B-mom for almost 3 months. A-mom was supportive, although reserved, with the whole search concept. She "said" all the right things though. Now that B-mom, and extended family, and I have met and been to one another's homes (I live in FL, they live in MI), my A-mom seems to hope they will simply disappear.

A-mom and I have always been close. My adoption was never an "issue" in our home. Never talked about a lot.. and not ignored either. A-mom seemed to understand WHY I wanted to search and encouraged me to get the answers to my questions.

Now that I have those answers she seems to want the whole B-family clan to disappear so things can get back to normal.

My problem is.... I have made it a rule to tell the truth - always. Not always the WHOLE truth - you DO have to have some common sense.... but never to outright lie. This gets tough when confronted with questions like "So..... How often do you talk to her?". and the one coming soon for sure, "What did you do for her for Mother's Day?". Oh geesh. I love them both. They are different people - and they have different roles in my life. One is not better than the other. But A-mom seems to press me to put down my B-mom. How do I respond?? I don't want to have "two lives". I want to be able to be honest... but gentle. That isn't working out quite so well though. I also want to be able to share things with my A-sibs (who are very comfortable with this), but I know that things will slip and get back to A-mom... and she will be hurt.

Help... fine line.... and it is moving.... how do you DO this??

[dkb60]

I can't speak to this as an adoptee, but I can speak to it as a bmom. I have realized that my child came from 4 people. Genetically, from her bfather and me. And as she gets to know us, I think she see many things that are from that link. And from her parents who raised her. She is who she is today because of some combination of these 4 people. I think at certian points in her life one may have had a bigger role over the other. But the end result is a combination of all of us and it is pretty hard to separate out what is what. Although I do kid her that she can tell her parents they can blame us for this or that that drives them nuts.

So your adoptive mom is part of you that will never leave. Just assure her and help her work through her feelings. This is hard for everyone. Maybe early on withholding some little thing is in her best interest. But as you continue to show her nothing has changed the whole story will be less painful for her.

Some one on these boards said something like this...
If a mother can love more than one child with all their heart, why can't a child love more than one mother?

D.

[HappyMomAnna]

Hi,

I am an amom. My children are young still and I won't be facing this situation in my life for a long time. My aunt is with my cousin who reunited last year. My aunt and I talk alot....... Back when you were adopted aparents didn't even think about the possiblitiy of their children reuniting---things were different and your parents believed that adoption was exactly the same as giving birth---sometime in the 80's all the reuniting started to really happen----and open adoption became the trend. So many of us aparents now already either have contact or believe that one day our children will......

It is sort of like your mates ex-mate coming back in life..... We amoms know that the bond we have with you is strong but it is like another woman has come into your life--and she actually does have a history with you--a history we don't have with you. It isn't that we don't trust you....it isn't that we don't want you to have contact with this other woman--It is just that we are HUMAN and it can be really difficult to share people we love with someone who is on the 'same' level we are.......

We are females--we get emotional. We get jealous even when we know that there is no reason to be.....it is hard to share our child....with another woman.....it is even harder when the other woman can tell you things we know nothing about....Like the day you were born....like what it felt like to be pregnant with you....like how you have grandpas blue eyes....We don't have those things to share with you.....and it is hard. We feel a little left out....we feel a little abandonded even if you don't leave us it is hard to not feel a little replaced....Your children call her Grandma too and we don't mind the in-law set of grandparents but, it is hard to hear them call your bmom grandma....

On one side all we want and all we ever wanted is for you to be happy. We know that you won't leave us and go to her forever--but, it is scary and it is something we didn't have any control over. We try to pretend we are supportive of you in every way--we are but, we sort of feel scared because beside your father we don't have anyone being very supportive of us.....

Just tell Me you love me.....over and over and I will be alright in the end---Just remember me when you are enjoying this new relationship and know that I am happy for you--but it is hard on me---and once in awhile spend some time with me talking about your memories with me when you were young....I need to be validated too---I need to know I was a good mommy and then maybe all of this will be ok pretty soon.

Anna

[ChristiBender]

Anna... that was a WONDERFUL response.... It explained it all so clearly - and in a way I could hear and FEEL.

I have printed that out and shared it with my boyfriend. We were both touched deeply.

I will take your advice and words to heart and let them guide some of my actions in the future.

My mom and I both thank you.

[leholland]

Hi,

I am an amom. My children are young still and I won't be facing this situation in my life for a long time.

Thank you, thank you for your response. I am in reunion with my 43 yo daughter. Her Aparents are in their 70's, and this has been very, very hard on them. You explained it better than I've ever read. If you don't mind I'd like to send this to my daughter, perhaps it will help her as it did me understand better. God Bless.

[peterpan]

ChristiB, thank you so much for your thread, and Anna, thank you for such an eloquent response. I too have printed Anna's response out and am going to share it with my daughter as she's the one in the middle. Anna's insight is very grounding.

This thread couldn't come at a more needed time for me. I'm a Bmom. My daughter, now 36, made first contact this March. We've been writing feverishly every since, and I've been, and I'm sure she has been, on an emotional roller coaster ever since. Reading responses from others (Children, A- and B- parents) involved in reunion is very helpful and strengthening.

I find my feelings are not so different (but possibly the flip-side) from those of your Amom ChristiB. My greatest hope for my daughter has always been that she would be part of a loving family and would feel safe and secure and supported, and I think that has been true.

With the beginning of reunion, I find these same hopes and wishes causing some pain -- she and her Amom have a history; they share those things that I've never known and never will; how will we fit into each other's lives -- all the insecuritiesand questions that come with a realtionship. But with such a close relationship, these feelings hit hard -- sometimes taking my breath away. And I know that these same emotions must be effecting my daughter's Amom, not to mention our daughter. It's new to all of us.

I'm printing out the postings on this thread for myself, my daughter, and her Amom. I'll keep them at hand to read when those over-whelming emotions start to tilt too far to one side. I've been wandering these threads and gleaning knowledge and strength. I'm greatful that you all are all here and are so willing to share. Thanks again to each of you for your questions and your insight. Bmom in reunion -- and the journey begins. annt

[leholland]

Quote:
With the beginning of reunion, I find these same hopes and wishes causing some pain -- she and her Amom have a history; they share those things that I've never known and never will; how will we fit into each other's lives -- all the insecuritiesand questions that come with a realtionship. But with such a close relationship, these feelings hit hard -- sometimes taking my breath away. And I know that these same emotions must be effecting my daughter's Amom, not to mention our daughter. It's new to all of us.


My daughter called me July 17, 2003, she was 42, we are in reunion almost one year now, and I too felt so many of the same emotions. All her life I just wanted to know if she was safe, happy and healthy. Then when I see the love she has for her Amother, I feel such pain. We will never have what they have, that bond of growing up together. It does get a little bit better as time goes on, you seem to be able to put it in its proper perspective, and just thank God (over and over,) that she is a part of your life now. My daughter will arrive to my home in CA, from CO tomorrow night to spend six glorious days. It will be the first time she will be with all her BFamily at the same time. There will be 27 of us at a family BBQ on Sunday 5/23. I'm so excited and so scared at the same time. My biggest fear was that my daughter would not even like me! We are different in so many ways, yet so much alike in so many ways, it's an amazing journey. I have settled down now to the realization that she is a part of me by birth, but also a part of her family by enviornment, and the combination is dynamite! Best to you in your journey.

[love4]

Anna, your response made me cry. I love how you worded how we feel. I am an adopted mom and my daughter moved in with
her birthparents. The feelings you described is how I feel. I gave my all and I am hurt to the core. I loved and still love. I support but the pain is deep. She doesn't understand. I should
be happy she says. I am for her but not for me. It's been a long
road and the pain is less but I rarely see her. She shares all her hopes and dreams and life with her birthparents. It hurts. If I were abusive or unloving I could understand. But I gave my all. I loved. I feel like I was a babysitter, a foster parent. She says she loves me but makes very little efforts to show it. I have to call. She missed special occasions. She spent mother's day and fathers day with them. She said she has never been happier. How would that make a mom feel who now feels abandoned?
Love4

[love4]

If my daughter read Anna's response she would be angry. She told me this is not about me but about her and her birthmom's healing. She has always been a very angry person. She told me I could never love her enough. So here I sit alone and she is with them. I have been supportive and I loved and understood her needs. I met her birthparents and I instantly loved them and wanted a relationship with them. The 3 of them are gone. I see my daughter very little. love4

[HappyMomAnna]

Loves4

I am so sorry for the pain you are feeling. I know in my heart how this must feel.... It really is one of the most painful fears we share...

My only prayer is that with time, maturity and healing you and your daughter may be brought back together again in the future.

I don't know her age--or how long she has been reunited--but, there is always hope. Sometimes our grown children move very far from us....but eventually return when they have healed.

[ChristiBender]

Love4... I hear your pain... it is raw and deep.

I can't say anything that could comfort you - not really. But I would like to offer an adoptee's perspective and MAYBE through that you will have a little bit of understanding. Understanding always softens the pain.

I am almost 40 and was adopted at birth (24 days). I was raised in a traditional family, 2 younger sibs (brother adopted, sister natural child of my parents). I started searching during therapy after college in 1987. My Amom was supportive and went with me to an adoption conference and helped me fill out forms for various registries.

I continued to search off and on for the next 16 years or so. This past January I started again after years of not "going there". It took me 2 weeks to find my Bmom and I made first contact 2/13/04. Just in the last month I have also had first contact with my Bdad.

My whole Afamily knows of my search and success. I feel they are supportive, but hurt and a little confused/threatened. They can't understand the need.... just as you can't. That is some background on me so you know where I am coming from.

I have been very aware that my Afamily may feel threatened and I have TRIPLED my communication with them (I live far away). That has helped... but still.... there is an underlying current of stress. I understand their fear (of losing me) and some of their feelings (as you expressed). I don't think they understand that for an adoptee this is like a BIG piece of the puzzle that has been only a dream and largely unspoken about ever. Everyone likes to be accepted and get lots of attention..... Bparents give that because the adoptee is ALIVE... and NEW to them ... whereas they are just the same old person they have always been to their adoptive family. For the adoptee it is a chance to get to explore THEMSELVES..... more than the other people. They are looking for answers about THEMSELVES through and in the bfamily. Of course they are interested in the birthfamily and they may or may not like them.... but in the beginning they want to know about THEMSELVES. I told my Bmom the first weekend we had together that I wanted the "story of me". That obviously included her story...but I wanted to know about me. Right now your daughter is learning about herself... she is learning where her talents and mannerisms and interests and general personality came from. She is growing. That doesn't mean she is leaving you...... honest it doesn't..... she is just obsessed with this education about her herself.

If I had to offer some advice to you in an effort to bring her closer to you it would be to TAKE A BIG INTEREST IN HER.... and right now that includes this new birthfamily. For me, my Amom isn't comfortable talking about my Bfamily... so we don't (much). I still call and we discuss shopping and the weather, and jobs and animals..... but the thing that is most interesting and consuming for me right now isn't something we share. I wish it were. I wish I could tell her about ME... what I am learning about ME...and how it all dovetails in with my whole life - all my memories, of growing up with her- all my values, that I got from her - all my opportunites, that she gave me.

Your daughter has 2 families now. They are separate and different. If you have more than one child you know that they are separate people... different personalities, goals and talents. Her 2 families are like that. One doesn't replace the other - NOT AT ALL. They are both part of who she is and why she is. Accepting ALL OF HER, and that means knowledge of her birthfamily, will mean the world to her and it will increase your understanding of her... how she sees herself, some of the reasons she is the way she is and some of the intangible little things that make her... her!.

Embrace her.... and everything that is her - and that includes her biological family. You are her MOM... you love her.... you always did, you always will. She knows that. She just doesn't know how to "do this"... and doesn't want to hurt you by talking about it.... but it is on her mind.... so, she doesn't call because she just doesn't know what to say. Call her. Ask a million questions.... share this with her... and she will share herself with you again - more fully and completely than ever before. This is a precious time for her..... don't let it slip away without being there for her. You will both grow.

I hope that this has maybe helped you understand. IF you want to talk more PM me or email me directly.... I am more than happy to help you through this. To all the adoptive moms out there.. you are MOM.....we haven't forgotten that. Honest.

[love4]

I have posted awhile back and I don't know if those posts are still alive here but my daughter is 29 and she has lived with her birthparents now for 1 1/2 years. Like I said, I supported her to the point of meeting her birthparents. We had a wonderful time and I liked them both instantly. I would like a relationship with them also. I have asked them to dinner. It hasn't happened. When I speak with my daughter I ask her questions about her birthfamily. I am interested too. I have made all the efforts to call. It takes my daughter several of my attempts before she responds. Sometimes I feel she compares me to her birthmom. That hurts but I don't say that. She knows I hurt and to her that is not being supportive. I went with her to her support group leader for birthmoms and I was told this is not about me and I was selfish. I have been as supportive as I can be but I can't turn off the fear and the feelings of rejection that I now feel. I am doing better and letting go each day. I have come a long way and I write to let others know who may go through what I have gone through that they are not alone. It helps to have others who understand. Thank you bender for your thoughts and I may keep in touch. My daughter has gained some insight to her behaviors dealing with anger and for that I am thankful. She realizes that she distances herself from us. She takes responsibility for that. Because of her anger through the years it has affected my whole family. She has been in therepy when she was 14 and had gone for 5 years. She struggled with feelings of being different and feelings of rejection and having a fantasy about her birthfamily. She loved us yet had a deep hole. I did understand all those issues and it hurt cause I felt helpless. Gee, I could write a book!! love4

[ChristiBender]

I had no idea that this had been going on for over a year. That is an awfully long time.

Her anger is hers. Don't catch it.

You sound like you have tried a lot.

My initial reaction is why is a 29 year old living with anyone except a peer (husband, roommate etc)..... are they keeping her "young" in a warped effort to make up the time?

I don't think you are being selfish for wanting to have a realtionship with your daughter and anyone who thinks that is nuts. It is selfish to want her to give up her birthfamily - but it seems you haven't asked for that.

I don't know what to offer you... I thought this reunion was NEW... very new for her. I do know that the lifetime of water under the bridge with an Afamily can cloud things and perspectives with a Bfamily until the 'real" people, complete with warts, and skeletons of their own, become known. Maybe she is finding growing up hard and they are letting her "hide" for a while longer... could that be part of this?

I welcome conversation with you and wish I could offer you more support. It is hard as I am an adoptee.. not a adoptive parent. Maybe the two of us can help each other understand the situation a little better.

[love4]

My daughter's birthmom said she lost her once and she will not lose her again. My daughter told me I had her for 29 years and now it's their turn. I too wonder if they are trying to keep her young. My daughter has always been with friends who were old enough to be her mom's age. She connected with women looking for that fantasy mom. I always told her I would support her and help her look for her birthfamily, never realizing she would live with them. I am happy she is getting questions answered but not happy for the distance. She has always picked on me. The anger she had for her birthmom was placed on me.
She loved me, yet she was furious at me. Misplaced anger. She took a lot of her anger on her peers. She was diagnoised with borderline personality a few years back. I love her very much and have done my best not to alienate her. I call, I keep communication open even when my heart aches because I hear her happy birthparents in the background. I have always let my girls talk about their birthparents. I have 3 other daughters. My second daughter has no desire to meet her birthparents. Never has. She is happy with us. My last two girls I adopted when they were 11 and 12. They are always talking to me about the pain they feel from all that has happened to them. I welcome their thoughts even though it hurts sometimes. I don't let them know. They freely tell me how they want to reunite. Next year I will take my youngest back to visit the area she was raised. She said she needs this to move on. She loves me very much and tells me all the time. Yet she needs to have questions answered. I understand and I will help her do this. She wants me to go with her and I will. I don't have a problem with that.
I would also welcome conversation with you, Christibender. You may pm anytime. love4

[leholland]

As I read through these threads there is so much bare emotion. I sometimes wonder if things are better left alone. I think Bparents who have wondered about their child are the only real winners of the triad. My daughter now knows her roots, she has seen familiar eyes, noses and hands. But I know her Aparents are very hurt and scared, even though she is 43. Although she doesn't talk about it I know our reunion has caused stress between her and her parents. They are well into their 70's, not a easy time under any circumstances..then along comes BFamily! I have tried so hard to be considerate of their feelings and also to alert my daughter to their strife. I think she is trying to keep us all in balance, and the juggling act is not easy for her. Keeping everything in perspective is very difficult. I admire Aparents for the wonderful life they gave my daughter, so much love, respect and opportunities. On the other hand my daughter has seen and felt my pain and thinks she has to stand by me to help me heal. I just wonder sometimes if this is just all too much for her, and I just don't know what to do to help her. I knew her call would come one day, and now that she is a part of my life the last thing I would ever want to do is cause her or her Aparents more pain. I do know one thing I would never do and that would be "take" her away from her Aparents. That is unforgivable, it would be the same as losing one of your birthchildren to a stranger, who just gave them more than you could give them and leared them away. I just wonder if finding your bparents sometimes causes more pain. Any thoughts out there?