[JandTHall]

Ok.. here's the situation. My daughter is 2 1/2 yrs old. When I became pregnant her birth father and I had a nasty split and didn't speak until after I gave birth. However, during that time I met another man and he was with me from the delivery room and on. My daughter sees my husband as her father and of course is too young to understand that someone else is her biological father. My husband wants to adopt her and we have talked to my ex and he has agreed. However, it seems my ex has had this big epiphany and has decided he doesn't want to miss out on seeing "his" daughter. However, like me, he agrees that my husband is her daddy and he was just a sperm donor. However, since I grew up without a father and met him years later its important to me that my daughter know both men. We are planning to do the adoption in the next few months... however my ex does seem to have really matured and turned over a new leaf. I am open to having him in our lives but being known as my friend, chris not her biologicaly dad chris. Later in life I would, of course, tell her he was her biological father but I think doing it too early would be hurtful to her. Does anyone have any experience in this area? Did you know your birth parent and not know it was them? I really don't know what to do and I'm really scared. My married isn't working great and I have my doubts if it will last. However, even if it doesn't he is still her daddy and I wont take that away. But I need to know what to do, what is best for my daughter. Thanks in advance

[patrisha]

I married my present husband when my daughter was only 18 mos old. I was separated from her bio dad and my present hubby entered her life when she was only 3 mos old. I still felt it was important that she know the truth as soon as she was able to comprehend it. The last thing I wanted to do was have her find out this "secret" from someone else.

IMHO, regardless of whether or not her bio dad is an active participant in her life (my daughter's was not) she needs to know the truth. Trust me, 30 years later, my daughter would be the first one to tell you who her "Dad" is.

It is impossible to keep a secret of this magnitude for long. Please consider how hurtful it could be for her to find out later that her own mother, whom she loves and trusts above all else, deceived her about such an important issue.

Trish

[melon161]

My best friend was in the same situation as you were but her daughter new always that she had two dad's. Even though her biological father was in and out of the picture she had a constant in her step-dad whom she calls dad. She's 14 now and calls her bio-dad by his name (her choice totally) and her step-dad, dad. I don't think telling a lie is ever the right thing to do. If she knows the whole time growing up then she it will be normal to her but if she knows this man all her life and then finds out he's her dad she'll be really upset, trust me. Go around this site and read some adoptee's stories about how they didn't find out until they were older and see how they liked it. Please just be honest with her.

Stacy

[Ashley_1984]

Being told later in life that you are adopted shatters the world you live in. All you will do is hurt this child. She should know who "Chris" is, and who "Daddy" is. If you tell her when she is older it will just hurt more and she will think that her whole life is a lie. How can letting her in on it now possibly hurt more than finding out about it later? It can't. Hope I'm not coming off as harsh, it's just sort of emotional for me. Anyways, my advice would be to let your daughter know the truth right from the beginning.

[danhanan]

J...our daughter has always been aware of the term adoption. She is 3 1/2 and our oldest daughter just gave birth to her second child. Knowing there was a baby in her sister's belly prompted conversation and questions. Although she's very disappointed to find out that she didn't grow in my belly, she knows that makes her even more special to us. Every now and then she will ask another question and we answer her truthfully. It was several months before she asked whose belly she grew in. She is very familiar with her bmom and bsibs and yet feels no real connection. So, when your daughter is ready, the questions will come. I think though that it's much more hurtful to save "suprises" until later.

[FatBirdy]

Hi! I think you should tell your daughter the truth from the get go. That will just be normal to her. I was adopted and I have a sibling who isn't. Honestly, until I was quite old I though sometimes you had your own kids sometimes you didn't. NO BIG DEAL!! The earlier you tell her the less of a deal it will be. It is nothing to be ashamed of at all. She has two daddies and should know this from the beginning.