[imtimm2]

Help! I'm in a horrible position, and just don't know what to do anymore.

My mom, my adoptive mom, and I have never had a very good relationship, and over the last three years, our relationship has continued to decay, with us being estranged for the last several months. To make a long story short, I have spent some years in therapy to deal with my adoption issues, and how it had and coninues to affect me. With direction and an objective I made an attempt to reconnect and heal my relationship with my mom, I have asked her to see a mediator with me to help us "fight fair" and table our feelings in a contructive manner. She has flat our said "no" and her reasons? Because she doesn't want to do it my way, and because she thinks it's "stupid". When again stating my request and intention I tried to make clear that I was trying to sort out my stuff, and that we need to learn to communicate and get to know one another again. I have been careful to use "I feel" rather than being "you" statements, and I have tried unsuccesfully to convince her of the good of this. I am left with her pointing the finger at me, telling me I am making up problems, and wrote

You are gonna have to deal with your adaption Stacey..You have me convinced we never should have raised you. You'll be 40 yrs. old and still dwelling on the fact that you were adapted

As well as leaving me a voice mail telling me "Our relationship is over".

I don't remember being "given up with the assistance of the courts" when I was 16 months, or what that initially felt like, but if it's anything remotely like this, there's no wonder I've been messed up most of my life. And now that I'm 31 with my adoptive mother opting out, I have to accept that and try to cope with more rejection. I feel so sad and alone, as only those who have been here really know what I'm going though.

Please if you can identify, please please pm me...I really need to know that I am not alone.

[BrandyHagz]

Stacy,

I’ve been there. Heck, I am there.

This past summer, after trying again to reestablish a relationship with my “mother” and failing, I finally had to let it go. I had to get away from her.

Sometimes, you just have to get away from the sour people in your life, because if you don’t, they make your existence hell.

I can’t say I breathe easier, or anything like that, but its reassuring to know that I wont have to pick up the phone and hear her voice any more.

You can only fix yourself; you can’t fix anyone else. You told her what she had to do in order to have a relationship with you, if she isn’t willing to do it, then you’ve done all you can do, and its time to walk away. Set boundaries in your relationship with her, if you choose to continue one.

For me, it was just too much. I love her, but I hate her to, she’s made my life hell for a lot of years, I’m thirty now, and its time I tried to please myself, rather than please those around me.

If you can, locate some local adoptee support groups. If you cant find something locally, then join some online…there are tons. The most important thing is for you to worry about yourself, and if your mother isn’t willing to aide you in your healing process, then she isn’t worth continuing a relationship with.

Good luck!

[imtimm2]

Thank you Brandy. I really mean that.

I actually just recently said to my husband, "it is nice knowing when the phone rings it's not going to be her", and in that aspect I can breath easier. It's the constant berating and criticizm from her that still feels like salt in an open wound. So, having not had to deal with that directly has gotten quite comfortable, and that's what saddens me.

Thanks again for just responding.

[RiverGal]

Stacey, there are negative people everywhere. Maybe she feels some emotional injury that your life wasn't "full" enough with her, like maybe she is feeling your interest in your Bmother as a threat. If she isn't interested in healing the relationship with you for whatever her reasons are, then keep on working on healing Stacie. You can only do for her what she allows you to do...be good to your own emotions.
Debra

[l-thompson]

Stacey:

My a/mother and I did not share a very close bond.
When she passed several years ago there was some downright awful stuff that happened. I am not going to go into detail but for want of a better word I was completely, totally "gutted"

There are some people in this world who are just bitter, twisted and angry. Don't let them bring you down. You are not responsible for your Mother or her life.

As a mother of two beautiful daughters I would like to think I will always be there for them - good times and bad - surely a mothers love is unconditional.

I agree with Brandy, if your Mother is not willing to be there for you and support you tell her to "sling her hook"

(sorry if that sounds harsh but my a/mother put me through so much over the years - I have forgiven but I will never forget!)

[4theboys]

I want to write this very carefully due to the abuse already dished out on some of you that are writing in this post.

I don't know if you are even in a place to understand another viewpoint, but I hope it helps, not hurts.

I am an adoptive mother of 2 boys, and they are the greatest wonders of my life, but I must say, it IS different to be an adoptive mother than a bio mother, not because of my love for my children, I can't imagine anyone being more loved and appreciated, but the CONSTANT accidental, subtle and absolute in your face discrimination we have to deal with, and then pick apart to see if we dealt with it correctly. All the "but their not your "real" children things in this world I can deal with ( but would rather deal without) because, like I tell them, they ARE our real sons. They are a part of our family now and will always be, up to the point we are invading their space with THEIR wives and kids...haha.

Now here is a harder pill to swallow, you try to advocate for your children constantly, and you truly "forget" that they didn't come out of your body, you go on with your life protecting and building, and then one day these blessings hear enouph "but they aren't your "real" parents" statements and it becomes their song. It is a natural instinct I believe to find your bio's, to know where you came from(one, by the way, we encourage) but along with that instinct is a scarey reality to the aparents, that they will no longer be considered special, you taught them the values that they have, you made sure they were safe, you sacraficed to give them the things they need, and don't forget you are building your lifetime dreams around them(like all parents) but blood becomes the determining factor,,,and you can't compete with that. Most families have a natural loyalty, but adopted children have to either choose or share their loyalties, and that is a scarey prospect to both aparent and child.

Now I totally know that many, many, many children who are adopted grow to be awesome adults that are capable of embracing both families, but it is not abnormal for a bio family who raises their kids to get jelous of a new family their child has bonded with? Therefore why is everyone so judgemental when an adoptive family feels the same tug of emotion and even more, because you have an entire society constantly saying not only is the other family their "real" family, but it is where that child really belongs.

The boys talk freely of their bio family, as I encourage that, and though they were state adoptees and I was strongly encouraged not to keep contact due to abuse the boys suffered, I tracked down "tummy mom and dad" and make sure I keep them updated with pictures and letters, so when the time comes there won't be as much to "learn". I don't read the boys everything, as they are too young, I believe, but all pictures are available for them to see at any time. I hope I am doing the best thing, but we never know until they are grown and telling their stories about their childhood (as we all do)

I want to make it totally clear that in the end the aparents have to stand up and do what is best for their children, and I am sooo sad that there were the times of insecurity that I have read over and over on adoptee's posts, I hope I can be stronger than that as the boys grow.

I hope this does not offend a single person, as that was not the intent, just another view point, one that can change with time and knowlege. I hope the best for you in the future.

[imtimm2]

4theboys,

I do appreciate your insight, and I am not offended at all. I am confident there are adoptive parents out their who do adopt for the right reasons, and make it a forever, unconditional love.

Unfortunately, my amom has made that clear, she is not one of those people.

Thanks for your insight!
Stacey

[4theboys]

stacey, I am truly sorry for your loss, it must be like a death, hate her or love her, what a loss.

It helps me to read your posts, and others who have been through this experience, it keeps me focused. Even though I know you didn't do it for me, thank you for putting your experiences "on paper" you will really never know the roads you will turn for people, simply by being and sharing you. I appreciate that. I hope the world for you!

[imtimm2]

Ah, the saga is un-ending, as today I received yet another email from my amom, asking "what is wrong with you", and to "get some help". Sad thing, is that is exactly what I have been doing in therarpy all these years. Learning and beginning to understand and accept myself, and trying to heal...and that means with all the relationships in my life..inluding with my amom. How is that she can tell me to go get help, when it's me asking her to get help with me??? These posts above mine are so right...as I do have to accept that I can not fix anyone but myself, and if she's not willing to step up to the plate, I have to learn how to accept that, and move on...without her.

Thank you all so much for your responses! It has helped more than you know!

[lonistel]

It is amazing to me as I have done some internet searches these last three weeks since my abussive adopted mom died, how many people my age (40) grew up in abussive homes. I have posted this a couple other places, but this is my story - I can tell now some of you will be able to relate.

I was adopted when I was 6 months old. When I was 5 years old my parents had a "miracle child" of their own - when my adopted mom was 42 years old. My sister and I were treated totally different. Being my a/mom was an only child, I think that is what she wanted - and I would have been that, had my sister not come along. There was abuse - both emotional & physical. I was brought up with a lot of restrictions, and could do no right in their eyes. When my adopted mom was mad at me she'd even say "don't call me mother - I am not your mother" - yet I was not allowed to tell anyone I was adopted.

I went away to college and met my wonderful husband. We have now been married almost 19 years. We have been blessed with 10 children (biological). While growing up I always wanted to have a large family - and I have been blessed with great kids.

My husband and I eloped, which caused major friction with my adoptive parents. This was the first real major cut-off with them. I also found my birthparents when my dh and I were first married. Even though I don't feel necessarily "rejected" by them - I met them, they visited me - met many of my birth siblings (8 of them!). My birth mom had had a brief affair, and my birth father did not believe I was his. They told their children I died at birth. They had two more children after me & their marriage survived. When I met my birth parents, tears streamed down my birthdad's face - I looked so much like him and could pass as a twin with my younger sister. We kept in contact for awhile - but it was hard on my siblings to see their parents give me a lot of time and attention - do for me things they never did. We drifted - and I have not heard from them in many years, though I have sent them cards.

When I found my birth parents, it was like the final straw to my adoptive parents, and they cut things off with me - and wanted no part of me or my family. Letters or cards were returned. Phone calls were hung up on. I could not attend my sister's graduation or wedding. We had a stillborn baby 6 years ago, and had a short fairly good conversation with my adopted mom, and thought maybe reconcilliation would come out of this. We sent pictures of the baby and our children, along with a cassette tape of the funeral, and a letter - only to have it all returned a week later. Pastors, other family, friends, etc. all tried to talk to them, but anyone who "took my side" was an instant enemy.

I have been able to let a lot go - get on with my life - love my children & dh dearly. Until, a couple of weeks ago. My adopted mom died at age 77. I knew she was sick with pancreatic cancer and sent numerous cards over the past 10 months - thankfully, none were returned, but no response was ever given. I put my phone number in and said we would come in an instant. It never happened. I found out the day she died about an hour before she died, that she was in acoma. I called to try to see if we could see her, to find out she had died just 10 minutes previously. Family, my home pastor, and others assurred me over and over I did everything right. My mom was a hardened bitter woman - though she claimed to be a God-fearing Christian, to me, her life did not show it. Her love was very conditional, and I could never meet her expectations. Many said that with my mom gone, there'd be a good chance my mom would come around.

But, the big hurtful rejection was my name was not even in the obituary. My adopted dad had a private burial. I was not even able to see her, and even called the funeral home, but the director (who did not even know there was another daughter) said my adopted dad said "someone might want to view her, and the answer is no". I did not have my final good-bye on earth. My dad did have a Memorial Service - we did not give him a choice and told him we were coming. My husband and three of our children attended. There were 3 poster boards up of my mom - not one included me in it. My dad was cordial - met three of his grandchildren for the first time (how odd too). The people in my parent's church were overwhelmingly encouraging and went out of their way to greet us and console us. Most could not understand and are all prayerful this will melt my dad's & sister's heart. My sister has turned out hardened and bitter like my mom - she got it all. The service was very low key - and several friends even said, different in that there were no tears. It was just different - can't even put words with it.

After the service, my adoptive dad came to us, talked to us a little more, and seemed "interested" in us. I told him I'd be in touch and he said "don't expect things to happen quickly, but things will be ok." I saw a glimmer of hope. My heart leaped for joy - only to be crushed 10 minutes later. As we were leaving, I went to another table to get a memorial card. My 12 year old daughter was behind me. My dad walked up and said, "I need to clarify something. You had the right to be here - have your finality with mom - but when I meant things would be ok, I meant 'I' would be ok - as far as us, THERE IS NO RELATIONSHIP." My daughter turned around and just sobbed. God gave me the words - and I said "Dad, I did not give up on mom, and I am not giving up on you" and that was the end.

My heart was crushed. It was like the wind had been sucked from me. My daughter kept asking "why did he turn so mean?" She just could not comprehend it. Who can?

So here I am, at age 40 - dealing with rejection all over again, still yearning for a relationship with parents. I know it will never be ideal. I have my faith in God, which I know I could not make it without. Just the other day, I came across this verse in my Bible: "For my father and my mother have forsaken me, but the Lord will take me up." Psalm 27:10.

So, I just wonder how others have dealt with rejection - have any dealt with rejection from BOTH adopted and birth parents? Did any notice a difference in the way they were treated if adopted into a family with biological children to the parents?

Loni

[kady2004]

lonistel

I was just cruising the board and noticed this thread - I usually post with the Russian adoption section we are currently waiting for a referral of an infant from Russia.... anyway I digress - I just wanted to say "I am sorry you have had to deal with this - through most of your life..." how awful for you to be the brunt of other's insecurities... I commend you for trying to keep any relationship going with both your a family and your bio family.
Your post reminded me of the trilogy "A boy Called it" his Bio Mother was the person who rejected him but he never stopped trying to repair that relationship, I think some people are just hard and bitter, its an awful curse for those of us who have to live around these people and sometimes it is just better to move on with your life and remove the bitter and twisted people from your life so you don't have to deal with the poison - I know this is easier said than done - ..... hmmm anyway this is way longer than I meant it to be - I just wanted to acknowledge your post and let you know that there are people out there who can relate - I can only shake my head in wonder at why your a family would be this way....
take care

[Missy M]

Loni...I regret that you posted in an old thread because I fear that some here who have excellent advice might not get as far as yours.
My heart goes out to you. I can not imagine what it must be like to go thru something so tragic with so much bitterness and hatred in the way. I am so glad that you know God and know of His ability to heal and restore.
Even if your dad never "comes around" I hope you will continue to know that this is not your fault. I am a B-mom but I have never once resented anything connected to my daughters A-parents. I don't understand why A-parents (SOME...not all) feel so threatened by our placed kids attempts to connect with us. I could not raise my daughter 31 years ago and I can not raise her now. They did a wonderful job of filling that role and I thank them for that but the A-mom would never allow me to. For months my daughter resorted to "sneaking" over to see us and I was even given a special "code" name to be called so that my granddaughter wouldn't slip up and let her other Grandma know....one day she said no more and she stopped the madness.
I posted to say I have no advice but I am praying for you...MissyM

[lonistel]

Thank you for taking the time to reply Missy. I am thankful that you have been able to be in contact with your daughter, and build a relationship with her. I am sure it helped her with knowing more who she is. Thank you for your thoughts and prayers. I do know God is in control. Loni

[shamsad]

Hello Hello

I have red so many stories now but do relate.........have a very hard one but much too tired to say now. If you are interestd write me, would actually love to hear from all those people whose stories are extrodinary,..................exceptionally as mine is ...lots, x

Originally posted by imtimm2
Help! I'm in a horrible position, and just don't know what to do anymore.

My mom, my adoptive mom, and I have never had a very good relationship, and over the last three years, our relationship has continued to decay, with us being estranged for the last several months. To make a long story short, I have spent some years in therapy to deal with my adoption issues, and how it had and coninues to affect me. With direction and an objective I made an attempt to reconnect and heal my relationship with my mom, I have asked her to see a mediator with me to help us "fight fair" and table our feelings in a contructive manner. She has flat our said "no" and her reasons? Because she doesn't want to do it my way, and because she thinks it's "stupid". When again stating my request and intention I tried to make clear that I was trying to sort out my stuff, and that we need to learn to communicate and get to know one another again. I have been careful to use "I feel" rather than being "you" statements, and I have tried unsuccesfully to convince her of the good of this. I am left with her pointing the finger at me, telling me I am making up problems, and wrote

As well as leaving me a voice mail telling me "Our relationship is over".

I don't remember being "given up with the assistance of the courts" when I was 16 months, or what that initially felt like, but if it's anything remotely like this, there's no wonder I've been messed up most of my life. And now that I'm 31 with my adoptive mother opting out, I have to accept that and try to cope with more rejection. I feel so sad and alone, as only those who have been here really know what I'm going though.

Please if you can identify, please please pm me...I really need to know that I am not alone.

[mattjez]

All this seems so familiar:

I was adopted when i was young 4-6 months old. My parents already had one child and my adopted sister so I was the third in the family. Then they had another so now they have 2 adoptees and 2 natural born kids.

Well they told me I was adopted way to early I was like 8 years old or so. At that age that causes you to revolt. I was basically telling them your not my parents I will do what I want. (Yeah its stupid but natural) Anyways me and my adopted sister started getting treated different talked to different etc. I cant say I was beat but mentally I was tore down. My parents decided to send me to get therapy at like 9 years old and I went from 9-13 years of age to probably 12 different people till someone finally said I had ADD. so there is my parents excuse for me. Do I have ADD nope nor ADHD or anything its more of a way to justify why they treat me crappy..

I got married 4 years ago and my wife had a 3 year old daughter from her previous marriage. I started taking the kids over to my parents because we had 2 more kids. I noticed my step-daughter being treated differently in fact at one point my parents asked friends of theres "Have you met our two grandkids?" at my step-daughters birthday. Totally refused to introduce her to them. At this point I cut off the whole relationship and told them if you cant treat them the same you cant see any of them bye.

Now my story is much longer like my parents kicking me out of the house at 14 etc, etc. I have had my issues in my life but thats life. But they always think that I am just supposed to forget everything that went on and do what they want me to do.