[imtimm2]

I am 31 years old, and have an older brother, two years my senior. He was adopted at the age of 6 weeks, and I at the age of 2 years of age (4 years later).

We share no blood, and no common ground outside of the realm of "adoption", and even than, we are on opposite ends of the spectrum. I think we're both pretty text book examples of the primal wound theory, and both carry a ton of baggage that neither of us would ever discuss with each other. We do the polite holiday gatherings, and maybe the seldom phone call once a year, but always with a purpose of sorts. Most communication is electonic, and neither of us do much anymore to try to rectify that. At some point in our adult lives we tried to forge a relationship, but our lives and attitudes are so completely different, it's strained to have a conversation outside of the weather and football.

Seven years ago, I found my birth sister (full flood), and first called my brother to try and reassure him of his value in my life before initating contact with my sister. I vividly remember him laughing at me and saying "whatever". A simple sumation of our sibling bond.

So, what happens now, as I realize just what our relationship has become....a Christmas card with a RSVP per e-mail, and a New Year Card with $10 wrapped in a piece of notebook paper saying Merry Christmas to my kids. I think the tackiness is intentional, and the effort is meanial. Yet at the same time, I can't argue my side, with gifts sitting on the counter waiting to find their way into those kids' hands. I may be wrong in my principles, but I don't know how long I am suppose to keep trying when each time I get slapped in the face. So, am I just suppose to say "whatever"?

~imtimms

[Howdy]

imtimms,
Your relationship with your brother sounds pretty good to me. Probably in an emergency you would each be there for the other, don't you think? You say you don't have common ground, but you grew up together in the same family experiencing the same things (family vacations etc), he is the only one in the world who would really understand your past and vice versa.

Lots of siblings aren't real close. My brother used to make lots of business trips and although he came to my city many times he never bothered to visit me until I complained to my mom who communicated it to him, and after that on one trip he made time to go out to dinner with me. But on the other side of it, I never call him, write to him, or even email him, so the fault is very even between us! Even his kids don't get any presents from me, so your brother is doing lots better than I am in the sibling-relationship department!

But that doesn't mean I don't consider him my brother or that I wouldn't be there for him in an emergency. And in the future we may be closer. My mom and her sister were not close at all during the time I was growing up, but now that they are both in their 70s they talk on the phone a lot and visit each other a couple times a year.

What kind of relationship would you like with your brother? Why do you feel like you get slapped in the face? If it is because the one time he said 'whatever', maybe he was simply uncomfortable with the emotions, some people just aren't real emotional and when faced with a touchy-feely person they can get standoffish. Do you think perhaps you are a touchy feely type and he is a bit of a cold-fish type person? Have you talked to him about the kind of responses you would like to hear and how it makes you feel when he doesn't make loving comments? He might be completely unaware of the way you feel?

[Decision]

As adults the child-sibling relationship evolves into something completely and totally different. Just as a parent-child relationship changes. If you were not all that close to him to begin with (and that is not a bad thing) when that relationship evolves into an adult friendship the relationship will seem to disapate. I have three brothers, I was extreamly close to all three growing up, but as the years went by we lost that connection. my eldest brother and I have gone two years without hearing from one another. We both know our love is there, but we do have our own lives, our own families ect. I am still very close to my second oldest brother, but he is the one who maintains that relationship, he visits he calls. Recently I spent Christmas with my youngest brother and his wife... I have not seen him for three years, no phone calls, no communication unless of course you consider ICQ a form of communication, and even that was rare. My youngest bro is the one I raised, I often felt guilty for not upkeeping the relationship, but realized that we are in our own ways. Hope this helps
Hugs
Melissa

[imtimm2]

Thank you both so much for your kind words and reassurance, yet I do shrink at the thought that my relationship with my brother is good. I was not even invited to his 30th birthday party (my husband was) because as my sister-in-law put it to me "he's not comfortable around you." I am the one who acted out, and caused all the trouble as a kid and teen, and he would be the complacent one, doing his best to please. ...and I can understand how I filled our home with stress and tension, but as adults we have talked about all this, and I had thought we had moved on. But, I do have to realize that I can not change who he is at the core, and my need for emotional attachment is not his issue to deal with. I know that he is struggling with his own demons, and probably shouldn't even worry about the breakdown of our relationship, as I am just as fault as he is.

~imtimm2

[LegallyKim]

Unfortunately, I think your situation with your brother happens way to often, whether adopted or not. My brother and I have the same mother and father, who have never been divorced. We never had stepparents or stepsiblings or halfsiblings or anything. We were fairly close when I was in Junior High and he in High School (he's 4 years older than I am) and we traveled to rodeos together, just he and I. Then I got pregnant with my son, whom I placed for adoption, and big bro basically disowned me. We did get back a little of our relationship and I even made him godfather of my daughter but we only talk when the whole family gets together. My husband talks to him on the phone some. I feel like he thinks he's better than everyone else in the family and although he is no angel, I feel like he forgets that and is all to quick to judge everyone. Sometimes I'd like to slap him and sometimes his attitude makes me so angry. But you know what? He's still my brother and I love him. I don't like him very much, but I do love him.

[lewellen]

Your relationship with your brother does not sound strange to me. I'm an adoptee with two younger sisters (both natural, or whatever passes for politically correct, of my a-parents. We are not close, but the two younger ones, who share blood, are not close either. We don't have alot in common.

I am recently re-united with my two bio-half-sisters, both older, and we are going slow. I can tell that the three of us have a whole lot more in common. I can talk to them much more easily than my sisters I grew up with. I feel that there is potential for us to be better freinds then my a-sisters. We just have more in common.

Adopted or bio, we do not choose our family. It's just the way it goes. Enjoy the good people around you, related or not.


LewEllen

[slick]

I was raised with adopted sister, i was also adopted. We have never gotten along, she has always been mean and vindictive,
now is also very jealous because I found my bfamily. I try to be decent to her, and thats not easy after all the grief Ive gotten from her. It is sad to know that the person I share past experiences with is not the sister I should have had. And the sister I should have shared growing up with I couldn't.