[zxinws]

well, needless to say i was adopted. I was adopted at birth, or close to it. I am 21 now. Someone, who had no idea that i was adopted, was talking about how a child learns love and acceptance in there first 6 hours of life. How much that mattered to a child and detramental it could be on there life. This made me begin to analyze myself. It made me think of the effects of not being loved and accepted in those first critical hours.

i guess two main things:

1. has anyone heard of this before? does it make any sense?

2. now what? do i blame most of my emotional issues on it. then what?

well that is it for now...

[qs mom]

I have never heard such a thing. For the first 6 hours of life, many, many children are being poked and proded, weighed and measured, examined, etc. They aren't 'cuddled' and such for those first 6 hours.

It seems to be a ridiculous statement to me.

Many formations are made in the brain during the first year of life, that is true. But the acceptance of love and such can occur at anytime in life, with alot of patience, love and work.

First 6 hours! How silly.

[alicia hunter]

I also think this is strange. A friend's twins spent their first 2 weeks in the NICU not being held and those boys are so bonded it is hard for mom to go to the store.

My adaughter was not in a loving situation for her first 6 hours and we are much closer than most people are with their bchildren.

It all comes down to quality in the time parents do spend with their children not a certain window of time.

[Xanny]

I would tend to dismiss that information for two reasons:

1) It doesn't make much logical sense. What about all the pre-mees and babies with problems who spend their first several days in incubators and oxygen tents, etc? Also, there have been studies that show that adults who were abused as children are less likely to abuse their own children if they bond with a parent-figure before they become parents. My dad was abused as a child, and my mom thinks that one reason he didn't abuse us was because he met HER dad and saw him as a better role model than his own father. So my dad bonded with his parent-figure when he was 22 years old, and that has led to a productive, loving adulthood for him.

Plus, if a child learns all of that in the first six hours of life, why do we have to spend the next 18 years teaching them how to get along with others, how to share, how to express love, and how to keep self-esteem. If that's true, most of the time spent being a parent is time wasted!

2) But let's say it's true, and you decide to blame your emotional issues on it. Now you've got a great excuse. How does that help you? As someone who has been to her share of therapy, I don't think it matters much WHY you've got emotional issues. If understanding why helps you to sort things out, great. But the bottom line is, you're saying you've got emotional issues. What are you going to do about them?

You can spend the rest of your life blaming your birth parents or your adopted parents, or you can go to therapy, join a support group, or read some self-help books and fix whatever it is that you see as a problem.

In general, I think that anything that suggests a person is a lost cause is foolish. You have your whole life to learn about love and acceptance. PLEASE don't stop now!

--Xanny

[Decision]

I wouldnt completely dismiss it, though I would be leary of the six hour time frame, when a child first enters the world they are still connected to their mother. if that maternal bond is broken either by the child being in an incubator or through adoption their is a broken bond.
I have four children, my first I lost to adoption.
My daughter was born 7 weeks premature, via c-section and was hurried to the operating room, spent 7 weeks in ICU.
I was unable to hold her, though I did spend a whole lot of time with her. The other two children I am raising I gave birth to them naturally and did not let them leave my arms even for a minute.
I am not bonded with my daughter in the way I am with my other two, not that I dont love her less, I love her more than the world combined, but I am not "as" connected to her, we missed that window of oppurtunity. It also shows in her, she has an attatchment disorder and numerous other difficulties with "bonding".
So I wouldnt dismiss it completely as it is a real phenominon but dont think that bonding cannot occur after, bonding is a life time commitement, you dont attach or bond and then thats it. I agree with the other posters when stating that it all in how much time you spend with your child, and the quality of it that matters.
I suggest for you reading the Primal wound, I myself did not find it a good book, but you may find yourself in there and it may help you
Hugs
melissa

[Decision]

Michel Odent on Mother & Baby separation:

Oxytocin is more than just the hormone responsible for uterine contractions. When it is injected into the brain of a mammal, even a male or virgin rat, it induces maternal behavior, i.e., the need to take care of pups. One of the greatest peaks of oxytocin a woman can have in her life is just after childbirth, if the birth has occurred without any intervention. It is also necessary for the "milk ejection reflex." In fact, oxytocin is involved in any episode of sexual life, and both partners release oxytocin during intercourse. It is even involved in any aspect of love and friendship: when we share a meal with companions, we increase our levels of oxytocin.
Morphine-like hormones, commonly called endorphins, also play important roles in the birth process. Up to the birth of the baby, both mother and fetus release their own endorphins, so that during the hour following birth they are still impregnated with opiates. It is well known that opiates induce a state of dependency. When mother and baby haven't yet eliminated their endorphins and are close to each other, the beginning of a deep bond is created. In fact, when sexual partners are close to each other and impregnated with opiates, another kind of bonding may result that follows exactly the same model as the bonding between mother and baby.

THE CRITICAL SENSITIVE PERIOD

It is not only the mother who is releasing hormones during labor and delivery. During the last contractions, the fetus is also releasing a high level of hormones of the adrenaline family. One of the effects of this is that the baby is alert at birth, with eyes wide open and pupils dilated. Mothers are fascinated by the gaze of their newborn babies. It seems that this eye-to-eye contact is an important feature of the beginning of the mother-baby relationship, which probably helps the release of the love hormone, oxytocin. Both mother and baby are in a complex hormonal balance that will not last long and will never happen again. Physiologists today can interpret what ethologists have known for half a century by studying the behavior of animals: where the development of the capacity to love is concerned, there is a critical, sensitive period just after the birth.

[dl]

1. has anyone heard of this before? does it make any sense?

No, I have never heard of it before and it does not make any sense to me at all. First six years would make more sense than first six hours. As "q's mom" posted, "For the first 6 hours of life, many, many children are being poked and proded, weighed and measured, examined, etc." When one considers this and adds in the number of children with medical problems that are separated from their mother and also add in the number of children relinquished for adoption, if this were true it would mean that most humans never learn love and acceptance. (Of course that might explain why the world is so full of conflict )

2. now what? do i blame most of my emotional issues on it. then what?

That is a choice that each person makes for themself. Some people choose to not accept any personal responsibility for their "issues" and look for something/someone to blame. If this is what you want to do, The Primal Wound does feed into that choice. Others choose to believe that as adults we are personally responsible for our behaviors and "issues". I personally believe that as adults we all have the power to choose how we act and react to the situations of life.

Another member, "AMom2Two", has a great quote in her signature line:

"Up to a point, a man's life is shaped by environment, heredity, and movements and changes in the world about him. Then there comes a time when it lies within his grasps to shape the clay of his life into the sort of thing he wishes to be. Only the weak blame parents, their race, lack of good fortune, or the quirks of fate. Everyone has it within his power to say, "This I am today: that I will be tomorrow.".....Louis L'Amour

[zxinws]

well, first of all thank you for the quick responses on the subject.

i suppose i should have given a little background. I too think the first sixhour idea is obsurd, i am just going by pshyc class. What makes me intrigued by it is the fact that i feel detached from everyone. my immediatte family and any friends i have never really gotten that close to. Just that feeling of distance has always made me wonder if there was a deep rooted issue there.

my brother is also adopted, from a different family, and i have always seen him feel unwanted because of it. For years now i have been able to put the finger on what causes a lot of his actions and reasoning. I was apparently blind to the possibility that it could have caused mine.

so anyways, i think that all i am thinking is that it does affect love and acceptance, not in a big way, but it can cause a presupposed disposition.

I am not looking to blame my issues on this, simply find the root cause and help me to understand myself better and why i act and do what i do.

Thanks
P

[MariposaLoca]

Originally posted by zxinws
well, first of all thank you for the quick responses on the subject.

i suppose i should have given a little background. I too think the first sixhour idea is obsurd, i am just going by pshyc class. What makes me intrigued by it is the fact that i feel detached from everyone. my immediatte family and any friends i have never really gotten that close to. Just that feeling of distance has always made me wonder if there was a deep rooted issue there.

my brother is also adopted, from a different family, and i have always seen him feel unwanted because of it. For years now i have been able to put the finger on what causes a lot of his actions and reasoning. I was apparently blind to the possibility that it could have caused mine.

so anyways, i think that all i am thinking is that it does affect love and acceptance, not in a big way, but it can cause a presupposed disposition.

I am not looking to blame my issues on this, simply find the root cause and help me to understand myself better and why i act and do what i do.

Thanks
P

I hope you find some answers.

As a side note, it's not uncommon for even birth children to feel like they don't quite fit into a family. I'm not sure if this is what you're describing, but it just reminded me of how I felt as I was growing up. (I'm sleep-deprived so feel free to ignore this if I'm way off! LOL)

[6kiddos]

dlouis, Thank you for posting the signature line from AMom2Two, it is a great quote!

Zxinws, I just wanted you to know that most 21 year olds do not know who they are yet...they are all searching for answers. This is not a perfect world and nobody had the ideal pregnancy, birth experience, or childhood. We all are shaped by many factors and it seems simplistic for a psych professor to suggest that the major contributing factor to attachment is one 6 hour period in our life. I saw a talk show once where a man stated that his problems in life were all caused by the fact that his birth was a C-section birth and that he was robbed of the experience of passing through the birth canal. He had found a therapist who was guiding him through a re-birthing experience so that he could correct all the problems in his life. I found it quite sad that his focus seemed to be on "correcting" the past rather than focusing on the future. (My birth children were all born by C-section) I have also read articles suggesting that children should be exposed daily to classical music while they are in the womb...so those of us who listened to 80's rock while we were pregnant somehow damaged our children (OK, that's probably true! )

I have two adopted children who were removed from abusive situations within the first few weeks of life...I love them completely and I would hate for them to someday hear a theory like this. Where is the hope in this theory? You have 6 hours, that's it...gloom and doom if it doesn't happen the way the theory dictates that it must happen. How sad. I would like to encourage you to focus on the future and the relationships in your life that you want to strengthen. Have you reunited with your birth family? Maybe that would give you some answers and some peace. There will always be someone to suggest that you would have been a better, more complete, well-adjusted person if certain events in your life had happened differently, and some of their points may be valid...but your focus needs to be on what you have control over. You are not a victim of your life story...you are the author, director and star!

[dl]

This is a very sad article. I think it's cruel that animals are subjected to this for no other purpose than a "scientific study" or "research". I personally don't feel that this article or its findings relate to a child relinquished by bioMother and cared for in foster care or to a child adopted at birth. Perhaps one could compare it to the sad situation where children are in orphanages with minimal one on one love and attention.

"They were reared singly for several weeks and subsequently pair- or group-housed with other mother-deprived infants."

While relinquished by my bioMother at birth, I was not "mother deprived" ~ just bioMother deprived.

"Various parameters of the mother-deprived infants were then compared with those of mother-reared infants."

As an adopted child I was a "mother-reared infant" ~ just not a bioMother reared infant.

"These findings indicate that impoverished early rearing experiences, such as adult absence and varying degrees of social isolation, are useful predictors of future social success."

As an adoptee, I did not have an "impoverished early rearing experience", or suffer from "adult absence or social isolation".

"reared in peer groups or with inanimate surrogates show deficits in social and affiliative behavior compared to mother-reared counterparts"

Would NEVER consider adoptive or foster parents "inanimate surrogates".

"showed a trend for peer-reared monkeys to have smaller brains than mother-reared ..."

Would NEVER consider adoptive or foster parents "peers" of an infant/child.

6kiddos: You're welcome. I totally agree with that quote.

Another thought in regard to the "six hour theory". It used to be common practice to keep a woman that just gave birth in the hospital much longer than they do now and the infant was kept in the nursery and only brought to the mother for feedings. If one buys into this theory, an entire generation would have been deprived forever of the opportunity to learn love and acceptance.

[6kiddos]

Excellent points, dlouis.

http://www.dil.aber.ac.uk/dils/resea...9/staf_rrf.htm
Click on this link for a list of people who rose above the suggestions of this psych professor and the monkey researchers.

[6kiddos]

I wanted to add that I have read many touching posts by adopted persons who have talked about their struggles with feeling abandoned or problems with intimate relationships and I do not want to discount their feelings. I believe there are issues and feelings surrounding adoption that need to be discussed and explored and I support and empathize with those who are going through this process. I want to make it clear that I support individuals who are struggling but I disagree with "experts" and studies like those mentioned in this thread that make blanket statements and assumptions about adopted persons. Growing, questioning, struggling...it is all a process of self discovery and self acceptance, no "expert" should suggest that the process is a permanent, hopeless condition.

[dl]

"Growing, questioning, struggling...it is all a process of self discovery and self acceptance, no "expert" should suggest that the process is a permanent, hopeless condition."

I completely agree. What I object to is when it is stated that this process is some sort of adoption related disease. There are MANY people that have the exact same issues, that some claim are all due to adoption, that were raised by their bioparents. Why is it so hard to accept that the reason an adoptee has these issues, is the same as why a biochild has these issues, and it is not related to adoption at all?

[N2dolfyns]

I am not an adoptee and I have NEVER felt like I fit in or belonged anywhere. Not in my family, not in society, not in school...I have ALWAYS felt like an outsider in my own skin. I had a regular birth and wasn't treated any differently than anyone else in my family - sometimes, people are just of a certain personality type. I'm shy and am so afraid of saying something stupid that I feel uncomfortable around other people. I've never outgrown it, I'm still that way, but I pretend not to be when I'm forced to be in a big group. I deal with it through humor and being the clown of the group. No, I don't think whether or not you are cuddled during your first six hours of life has anything to do with it. My adopted son went to an orphanage for the first six YEARS of his life...he is the most lovable, snuggly, warm and affectionate person I have ever met. It's all who you are...maybe it's genetic...but, it's not BECAUSE you were adopted and not snuggled in the first six hours of life. You're normal...some of us just aren't people persons. ) You can't go through your life trying to fix it, or fill whatever the hole is...you'll never find it in a birth mother or a sibling...it's in you. If you feel detached, and you don't want to be, force yourself out of that feeling. You control you and your life. You'll still feel it, but it'll get less over time. Takes practice. Good luck.