[hopeislost]

I am an adult adoptee. I have met my birth mother and most of her family. It is a long story but I am a product of rape and my mother has a mental illness. Her siblings are very hard to read. I just got back from visiting one of them and have emailed their kids and have had no response back. I am confused and hurt. I spent time with them and they wont write to me now. I have no idea what to think. My other aunt will have nothing to do with me and I am wondering if she told my cousins not to write to me now since Ive met them. I wrote to my cousins mother - my birth aunt but have not heard back from her either. I am confused and hurt. I thought my visit with them went well. But now they wont write back. I know they have read my emails because they and I have AOL and you can check the status of an email that is sent. I dont know whether to write back to my birth cousins and ask if Ive said something wrong or something or if I should just cut off all ties.

[dl]

I don't really have any words to tell you that could possibly make you feel less hurt and frustrated right now. Just wanted to say I'm sorry you are going through this. Please don't take it on yourself as in "ask if Ive said something wrong". It is, in my opinion not at all anything you said or did, but a problem within themselves. I wouldn't "cut off all ties", but I wouldn't make yourself constantly available and thus vulnerable to continuing to be hurt. Live your life and try to find other things or people that bring you joy. Perhaps eventually you bfamily will work through whatever their problems are and be more communicative with you.

Take care ~ and best of luck!

This must be so hard for you...you have got our support. I will be thinking of you! Sometimes it jusst takes time for people to come around. I think dlouis said it also but I will reitarate Their reaction to you has NOTHING to do with you personally. It is not a reflection of who you are today. Do you have a support system in place? keep us posted! Donna

[hopeislost]

HI,

Thanks to both of you for your posts. I dont really have a support system. Its a long story but I do not feel connected to my a family or my b family. I had high hopes for my b family but the silence from my b cousins has me confused. Just not sure whether or not to cut ties. So, Ive turned to the internet for a support system.

[sal]

You WILL find great support here.....alot of people that really understand ALL of what you may be feeling. I'm an adoptee who has been in reunion for 2 years now.....bmom's side welcomed me with open arms.....bdad's side would prefer that I don't exist. It IS hard to understand why exactly one would appear to reject their flesh and blood......but I think it has more to do with THEIR feelings about the unplanned pregnancy and THEIR reluctance to try to deal with it......probably had supressed MOST of the memory for years. Hopefully with time the desire to connect will happen......for both of us. I hope that you can find support here. The chat room is a GREAT place to find others going through similar things........sal

[Rowan]

Hi Hope,

I found this website, you may have heard of it before, but just in case you have not come across it before, here it is:

http://www.stigmatized.org/

It is a member only site for people born of rape or incest.
You may also find other people there of interest to you with similar issues as yourself.

One thing for sure, you will always find friends and have support here on this forum as well.

All the best

R

[claudia456]

Hope,

I don't think you should cut ties with your b-family.
I understand entirely what you are going through, I also am an adult adoptee who re-united over 2 years ago now with my b-father and his family (huge family), they are the same way with me, and just recently i had a visit with my b-dad, and for the first time he expressed to me that some of his family make it very difficult for him to have contact with me, they argue with him, and make it seem as though I must have hidden motives, about the only motive I ever had was to know him, and have him in my life, I don't keep any contact with members of his family anymore, accept for my b-gramma, and my little brothers, they are the only ones who full heartedly accept me and see me as one of them, the rest....Oh well, I would recommend to you that you only work at a relationship with your b-parents and siblings if you have any for now, they are really the ones that your heart craves to know, the rest is just extra bonus that come in time, once they see you are not leaving and you do belong they'll come around, but please don't try to hard because beleive me when I tell you it opens a lot of unnecessary garbage that you don't need in an already emotional ride, I don't have any support either from my a-family, I've never been close to them, this site is an awsome help, even just hearing that you are not alone is some peace of mind. Good luck!!!

[CAROL IN SF]

I am so sorry that you are going through so much. Could it be that these people are just living there normal lives? Just haven't got around to posting to you yet?

I wouldn't cut off communication, at least not yet. If you could just try to stay busy and NOT look for word from them. Then you will be happily surprised when you do hear from them.

These online support groups are wonderful. I'm new here but I already feel like I have found a HOME.

Sometimes people don't even know they are hurting us.

[CAROL IN SF]

Hope is not lost. Well, I take that back, in my case Iam sure that hope is lost as far as my bmom is concerned. I was adopted in the family by my gparents and so my bmom is my legal sister. She is the only one in the family who is convinced that this is true. I am also a reunited birth mother. My real mother will have no contact with my son, even tho he is her only bio-grandchild. She is 76, I am 60 and my son is 43. I know that at her age she will never change. Even a letter or a phone call she refuses.

I recently took a trip back to Minnesota, I wanted to see everyone while they were still alive. I did not confront my mother.
My aunt told me she had a computer and we exchanged addys.
This is great, I'm getting a chance to know her. I asked her if she would write Michael as no one in the family has and he has been back in my life since 1987. She said she would. Yesterday was my son's birthday and he got her letter. HE IS THRILLED! HE HAS HAD A YEARNING FOR HIS BIRTH FAMILY. He called his great aunt and they talked for about an hour. I never would have known that that was the birthday gift he always wanted.

I did warn him tho, to not expect too much. He seems to think that person by person, the barriers may come down. As far as my mother, his grandmother, I would say no, it will never happen, but then again, my son is a very determined person, just like I am, SO.....

[hismum]

Hi Hope,
I just finished reading your post and noticed how your concern is with your Aunties and cousins, with no mention of your Birthmum other than to say that she has a mental illness. Do you have contact with her? If not, maybe the family are doing what they believe is best for her. Maybe your B/mum is having problems with their contact with you, if you and her have no contact at all. I don't know the full story, but I know as a B/mum what it's like to feel second best to the extended family. I don't know if this makes any sense to you, but if you have any questions, I'd be glad to help.

I wish you all the best.