[DanT]

The story, in a nutshell - my birth mother and I found each other about a year ago. I've beens earching for several months; she's been looking for several years.

What makes this different than your typical adoptee-finds-birth-parents story is that my birth mom and birth dad went on to marry. (They're now divorced.) They had three kids; two brothers and a sister. I was raised an only child by my adoptive parents, but I now have three FULL siblings.

I met my bio-mom in October, and my brothers in November. It was a fast reunion; I was in the process of moving across the country, and they were living in a city that was along the way. The reunion went quite well, although I'm still somewhat apprehensive.


Growing up as an only child, I don't know what it's like to have siblings.
It was just Mom, Dad and me. It's hard to explain how I felt when I first
met my brothers. How am I supposed to feel? It's hard to make up for three decades in a few hours. They're two guys that look almost exactly like me, have some personality traits like mine, but the whole "brother" concept is still something that I'm having difficulty grasping ... mainly because I haven't grown up with it, I think. How do siblings interact? How am I supposed to feel about them? I don't want to barge in as if I've been there all this while, but I don't want to ignore them, either. It'll come with time, I hope.

Anyhow, my bio-sister. She doesn't know I exist. Bio-mom doesn't want to tell her. Apparently, the past year she's experienced quite a bit ... a friend dying, and a recent college graduaton. Earlier on, my bio-mom said that she was planning on telling my bio-sister about my existence in a few months. Then ... when she graduated from college. Now ... well, she's got the stress of looking for a job. Apparently, one bio-brother is delighted at my existence, while another is just angry at bio-Dad.

Meanwhile, I feel depressed. It's as if my birth mother (who, incidentally, is a wondeful woman) is still ashamed of me, in some way. Why? I have my Master's degree, I'm successful in my career, my adoptive parents love me, and I'm a decent guy.

One thing I was afraid of, before I met my bio-mom, was that I'd be alone in the world after my parents die. I'm not married, my parents are both in their mid-70s, and I've got few close relatives. My bio-mom, who is only 55 (I'm 37), said "don't worry ... you'll never be alone. I'm always here, your siblings are always here, and eventually I'll tell the world." Now, I'm not so sure. I'm afraid of being alone again.

Is my birth family fading away?

[sideratos]

Gello,I don't know your name but I found one older sibling after 36 yrs,I was adopted with my ferternial twin and all our lives we thought it was just us,what joy it was to find out we are a product of 10 kids or more.
Seems you need to remember"you did nothing wrong" if your birthmom is ashamed as you say well then thats her problem.
See I found out things that my birthmom did and I was ashamed and to ashamed to even talk about it but i relized she wasn't all there and it wasn't my fault.
what your feeling is very normal i searched for 13 yrs for answears my older sister carol ann did for 9 yrs and when we talked it was like the walls opened up and I found out so much,shes just like me.
I have written letters to my siblings just incase so they know I am there sister and I understand.,see my siblings could be worse off who knows but I recommend you sit and write a letter to your siblings and mail it to them get out what your feeling, even a letter to the birthmom because lets face it, your Parents who adopted you wanted you, they had enough love to share with you, you were special to them, so let your birthmom know how you feel, let her deal with what ever chip she has on her shoulders.
If you need a friend you can email me because I do understand things as in way of feelings and how do I deal with what I know now, I am not happy about it with what i know but I am dealing with it one day at a time, Hope this helps some, Hugs
air_force_mom2002@yahoo.com

[leedean]

Read that book too. Dan, when I found my B-mom, she didn't tell my "sister" for a couple of months. I too, felt like she was ashamed of me, though she couldn't "believe it took me so long
" to find her. In other ways though, she was so thrilled that I found her. She still has yet to tell many friends. But ya know what I realized? that's her problem. In talking to her over the last couple of years I've realized the magnatude of HER guilt. It was in the early sixties when things like this were so Taboo. - ya know? It's not OUR problem - it is hers. I don't know how old you were, but no matter how old, I have an inkling that it was still during a very shameful time for her. In my experience, I dealt with it and she finally told the sister. She was upset and we are not close. I am close to the brother though, which I find exciting. He looks like me, has the same interests and in reality, the only one in that family I actually feel a connection with. Maybe out of all of this, I was only meant to find a brother. That wouldn't be so bad - would it? I'm sorry for your feelings of shame, but you shouldn't feel shame. She is not embarressed about you - she's embarressed for herself.......

After 22yrs of knowing I was adopted, I decided to search for my birthfamily. I was able to find where my birth mother was in such a short time. However, she never responded to my letter. By a shot in the dark, I found my half sister - who knew nothing of my existence and is 7yrs older than me. I was overwhelmed at her kindness and acceptance of me. From the first contact, she was wanted to know everything about me. She, like myself, grew up an only child and she has been so wonderful throughout our reunion. At this point, my birthmother has still not responded to my letter and my sister knows this, however, this has not stopped us from a budding sister relationship. I'm not sure how I'm suppose to act or feel when I'm around her, we are taking it slow and are getting to know each other. I say give it time and get to know your siblings if they're open to the idea. I am fortunate in that my sister has been very open and accepting of me. Take it like you do any new relationship, enjoy it, and get to know each other. Best of luck to you.

[AnnieOkie]

DanT, I was also an adopted only child with older parents. I have only recently learned that I have a half-brother, half-sister, and full brother--and I haven't located them. The only one whose name I know is the half-brother, another son of my mother, who apparently remarried (since he has a different last name).

I am longing for siblings. But I'm not fooling myself that the relationship is going to be the same as that of siblings who grew up together. (And even then, many people have all sorts of conflict with their siblings.)

My advice is to nurture the relationships you've formed, keep in mind that relationships don't happen overnight, even when you share genes, and be patient. Your sister will learn about you, eventually.

Courage! (and patience)

[tlee70]

Hi DanT

I have a very similiar situation as you and I can understand your feelings. It is really hard when you think that your biomom is ashamed of you or your birth. I know that in my case, I met my biomom over 12yrs ago and to this day she still hasn't told my half sister about me. She is now in her twenties and is definately old enough to know. It is a tough situation for me because I have not had a relationship with my bmom in over 2 years (not that is was much to begin with) and now I am undecided IF and WHEN I should contact my half sister. Of course this will be without my bmom's consent and she will probably be furious when I do.

I would have to agree with Annie in nuturing a relationship with the siblings that you already have. I have recently met 2 siblings on my father's side and it has been a wonderful experience. I value the time that I have with them now and although I know there will be some bumps in the road with our relationships, I am committed to giving them and myself a chance at a sibling relationship.

I have learned over the years that all things happen for a reason and that timing IS important...for everyone. It may not seem clear as to why your biomom is holding off on telling your sister but believe everything has it's own timing. Give your biomom a chance, just don't wait for 12 years like I did

tlee

[sweetnoodle]

I am an adoptee too. I'm not sure it is as simple as your birthmom being ashamed of you. If she was really ashamed of you, she wouldn't have told your brothers about you. It may be that your sister really is an emotional person, and finding the right time to tell her is more difficult. Also, being the only girl, she may have been treated differently in general in the family.

I know this doesn't help your pain, which I am sorry for. But, I think it would be a broad generalization to say your mom is ashamed of you at this early stage of the reunion.

Sincerely,

[DanT]

Thanks for your responses! I lost the bookmark, but some Googling helped me find this thread.

The whole thing with my birth family is starting to fall apart. This was the last e-mail I got from my birth mom in NYS, on August 31.



[miscellaneous unrelated stuff snipped]

I am well and may not be able to see you in the time you are in Buffalo as I may be starting a new job....I hope...Much has happened here and I need to get going with my life again...Sa*** is fine and seeking a job .....She does not know about you and may not ever ....Sorry Dan....just can't do it!!!....I know it's difficult for you to understand..Your life has been honest and comfortable with your wonderful parents..I have lived this secret (lie) for so long that I just can't disrupt her life with this story..Sc*** and Sh*** know..... but don't seem to want to pursue adding the sharing of this secret to their lives....I know this is painful for you, but it doesn't solve any mystery that know one knows about... Our lives have been strained just having (birth father) in them for all of the years....The secret of you adds to the torment of him and how he treated all of us....I am sparing Sa*** anymore...... I am so sorry...I thought it might be different, but it can't be...As a matter of fact I am going to family court in two weeks to try and secure several thousands of dollars that (birth father) has owed in back support and other obligations that he has neglected

[miscellaneous unrelated stuff snipped]



This was my response, sent snail mail on September 14.


Sh****,

Has the novelty of having found your long-lost son worn off?

Secret? Lie? You’re describing my existence in terms that most would use to describe an extramarital affair, or something else of which they are ashamed. Is that what I am, an object of shame? You might as well include the words “bastard child” and “accident,” since that’s how you apparently see me. After all, you did say that my existence was “something that adds to the torment of (my birth father) and how he treated (you) all.” You then decided to make yourself scarce during the first time I've been able to return to Buffalo in nearly a year. What an insult.

You said that you would never tell Sa*** -- MY 100% FULL BLOOD SISTER -- about my existence, ever. Why? You say that you are afraid of disrupting her life. What do you think would happen if you told her? Would she get upset at you for a few weeks, perhaps? In any case, she probably won’t be half as upset as I am now. What I’m feeling now extends beyond disappointment, beyond anger. It’s difficult to describe, although the term “righteous indignation” comes close. Unlike the temporary angst you believe this would inflict upon Sa***, this feeling will be a part of my mindset for the rest of my life.

First you wouldn’t tell Sa*** about me because one of her friends died. Next, it was because she would be taking finals soon. Now, it’s because she’s looking for a job. You know what? Despite my anger, despite contemplating this situation unceasingly during a 1,000 mile drive across the Midwest, despite that I’m inexpressibly hurt, I had two job interviews during my trip. In a couple of weeks, I’m going to Portland, Oregon for another job interview. I am not letting my anger and frustration stop me from getting on with my life. Do you really think admitting my existence would bring Sa*** to a standstill? Enough with the lame excuses.

Would you rather Sa*** found out about her third brother at your wake, when you don’t have the chance to describe the course of events, defend your actions, or answer her questions? Do you want her impression of you at that point to continue with her for the rest of her life, without closure of any sort? Are you willing to live with the secret of my existence forever, just to avoid an awkward moment with your daughter? How selfish, for both me and Sa***. That’s far worse than “protecting” her now.

Life is filled with wonderful, tragic and course-altering events. Like it or not, this should be a part of Sa***’s life. She’s an adult. If you tell her, she’ll cope. She’ll still love you. Are you afraid of something else, though? Something unpleasant and awkward you, instead of Sa***, will face? Something you should have been prepared for when you looked to open the Pandora’s box called (my original pre-adoption birth name)? Seems like it. Again, this is so selfish.

When we found each other, a dark cloud was lifted from my future. Remember when I explained how one of my greatest fears was that, in a decade or so, I would literally be alone in the world. Marriage prospects aren’t too likely, I have no close immediate relatives, and my family tree resembles Charlie Brown’s scrawny tannenbaum. You said to me, and this is an exact quote, “You’ll never be alone again.”

You dangle a whole new family in front of my eyes, and like a child teasing a dog with a treat, pull it away at the last minute. You don’t know how cruel this is. This is not something that I would have expected from you. What the hell were you hoping to do, by insinuating yourself into my life and then trying to keep me in the background, separate from the family that I am, by blood, a full part of? The cloud is back, Sh****, and it looms much darker than before we met.

Adoptive children, myself included, tend to deal with some degree of feeling rejected by their birth parents. I’ve always been extremely sensitive about rejection, feeling included, and feeling a part of things, from the time I was very young. The feeling of rejection is not erased if you have a loving adoptive family. Once again, I feel rejected, only this time it’s been to my face.

You are right about one thing, though. My life has been “honest and comfortable with (my) wonderful parents.” Among other admirable traits, they don’t keep secrets. Despite my shortfalls and my setbacks, they still love me, and they’re still proud of me. Unlike you, they’re not ashamed of my presence here on Earth.

You did something very right back in 1965. Do it again. Free yourself and my brothers from the bondage of holding a secret like this for the rest of your life. TELL MY SISTER ABOUT HER THIRD BROTHER NOW!

Dan


There has been no response or acknowledgement from my birth mother ... no phone calls, no e-mail, no letters, no nothing.

Yesterday, I got a rather nasty phone call from one of my bio-brothers. He apparently just got off the phone with my birth mother, who was very upset. He tried to say that I wasn't one of them, I'll never be close to them, he'll never consider me his reak brother, and that I should just let things go. My argument ... did he even read the e-mail between me and my birth mother? He said that was just between me and her, and that it wasn't his concern. I told him that is that was the case, than she should have called me herself. I'm not going to get into a discussion where my point of view isn't welcomed and understood. I then told them that as long as I was some secret, some THING that was seen as more of an object of shame, I didn't want to deal with any of them; I didn't want any of them to be a part of my life as long as that was the case.

I hope my birth mom is having a nervous breakdown. She deserves it. I wish she would have stayed the f**k out of my life to begin with. If she just wanted some closure, with no thought about how I would feel, she can go to hell for all I care.

As far as my bio-sister goes, she's getting a Christmas card from me, like it or not. Since birth mom won't tell her, I will. I will no longer be treated as an object of shame, or a reminder of a disliked ex-husband and father.

[DanT]

By the way, I've had friends recommend some sort of arbitration or joint counseling. Given geographical constraints, that isn't possible. My birth mom is near Syracuse, New York; I'm in Kansas City, and I'll be moving soon. (I was born and raised in Buffalo, where my adoptive parents -- my REAL parents, as far as I'm concerned -- still live.)

[tlee70]

wow Dan

You said so many things in that letter to your bmom that I can relate to. That took alot of courage (and anger) to send that.
I know EXACTLY how you feel! My bmother to this day still has not told my sister about me.

It's funny that you mentioned the word "selfish" several times in your letter. That has been a common word used in my vocabulary lately when I have been talking about my bmother.

It still doesn't take away the hurt though or the sting of rejection, I know, I have been there. Acceptance comes with time. You should be proud though that you had the guts to tell her how you feel. Kudos to you.

tlee

[DanT]

Originally posted by tlee70
wow Dan

You said so many things in that letter to your bmom that I can relate to. That took alot of courage (and anger) to send that.

Thanks for the kind words. Have you ever thought about writing your birth mom, and letting her know how you feel?

I've gotten advice along the lines of "you already have a birth mom and two brothers ... would you sacrifice it for the sister?" The answer: no. I want ALL of them, or none at all.

In the past, I've tried being subtle and nice about letting her know why she should let my sister know about me. I was afraid that if I was pushy or blunt, I'd scare her off. That hasn't worked ... I just got the usual "It'll interfere with her blah blah blah" excuses.

I had to think through the possible implications of the letter, before I sent it.

1) Best case scenario: my birthmom understands how I feel, I made a convincing argument as to why telling my sister about me is the right thing, she fears losing me, and she decides to tell her.

2) Worst case scenario: my birthmom, unable to deal with challenges like telling my sister about me, is unable to deal with the letter, and decides to cut off contact. Still, though, I have a leg up on her; I can contact my sister, and even my birth father. I can create a LOT of ruckus in Central New York by sending off a couple of letters and photos, and I'll have nothing to lose. I don't know if she'll realize that or not.

3) She pull the same old "I love you, I really do, but I just can't tell her about you; lie, secret, reminder of my ex-husband, blah blah blah." In that case, I would cut off contact, saying that as long as I was seen as some secret or lie, I didn't want to have anything to do with her. I'd then contact my sister behind her back ... partially because she has the right to know about me, partly out of spite.

Looks like the situation is heading off towards scenario #2.

[DanT]

BTW ...

This is me.

This is my sister, the one that doesn't know about my existence, from a Googled image. (I've got better photos.) She's in the front row, on the right. There's another image of her on her school's Web site; that's her with the lacrosse stick.

As for the brothers ... well, they look exactly like me, their behavioral traits are exactly like mine, but otherwise we have little in common. I was one of those incurable klutzy kids who was picked last for sports teams in elementary school gym class; they're literally borderline world-class athletes (one brother was recruited by the LA Dodgers; my sister is supposedly one of the best lacrosse players to ever grace the soil of upstate New York, they all had a free ride in college on athletic scholarships). I was the brainy one that flew through college and grad school on academic scholarships and assistantships. I'm an eclectic, creative closet geek; they're sports nuts who are obsessive jam band followers and tape traders.

[DanT]

Just got back from a job nterview in Portland.

No e-mail, snail mail or phone calls from my birth mother, in response to the letter. Just the nasty phone call from my bio-brother a week ago.

I'm wondering if there still is hope.

[sweetnoodle]

If you don't tell her, I will. That kind of treatment is reprehensible. Not right, not right, not right . . . .

[mamamaria2six]

I say....send her a Christmas card early.....! Hang in there!