[bandfan]

My name is Sheila. I was born 32 years ago in Tulsa, OK. My biological brother and I were put up for closed adoption almost immediately. I didn't find out I was adopted until I was 8 years old when my cousin told me!(I was shocked to say the least, because I also found out that there was no Santa Clause, Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy all in the same sentence.) When I confronted my adopted mother about this, I opeded up a big ol' can of worms as they say. She launched into a tirade that lasted for years about how my birthmom was nothing but a waitress/prostitute who gave me, my brother and numerous other kids up. She got rougher on me as time went on, while my brother was her favorite. (I know lots of kids think that their sib is the favored one, but it was true in my house.) Everytime I got into the least little bit of trouble, she said it was because I was adopted. She'd hang it over my head how grateful I should be that they had adopted me. She said I owed them, because had they not adopted me I would've been put into a home. If I ever asked about my birthmom, she'd get furious and tell me to go ahead and try to find her. I could then go and live with her and share in her supposed lifestyle of prostitution. As I got older, I felt more of her coldness toward me. When I moved out of their house, I asked them for all of my necessary papers (birth certificate, shot record, and my papers about my birth parents.) She informed me that when I pay her $500 (The price they paid to adopt me) I could then have my papers. To make a long story short, I now have nothing to do with my adoptive family nor they with me. I have not spoken with them for 3 years.
What bothers me the most is not the fact that I don't have a relationship with them, but that they refuse to release my paperwork to me so I can find my birth family.
Do situations like this occur often? And if so, how does an adoptee start a search with such limited info? If any of you reading this are in the same boat, BELIEVE ME, I UNDERSTAND!

Sorry so long, thanks for listening. -Sheila-

[bajohnson]

Shelia,
I'm sooo sorry for the treatment at the hands of your adoptive family. You should never have been treated that way. Nuts to them. They will miss out on the person you are, the loss is theirs, not yours.
To begin with, you can request a birthcertificate from the state you were adopted in. It will be an amended one, but it's a start. Then you can request, non-identifing information from the state. Which state were you adopted in? Anyway, some are more liberal than others. With the non-identifing info, you can decide what you want to do. I would register with International Soundex Reunion Registry, and any other Adoption Search site you can. Just use the search engines, Google etc, and put in Adoption, or Adoption Search.
There are lots of people here with lots of advice. Oh, find a book at the library, or buy one. A good one is "The Adoption Reunion Survival Guide".
Good luck,
Beth

[bandfan]

Thanks so much for the reply, and the helpful info. I was born in Oklahoma, one of the states more notorious for making it hard to get info, from what I've heard. And I agree with you, it's their loss, not mine. The way I feel about it, I sure didn't ask them to adopt me. They let me know at an early age that the only reason I was around was so they could get the little boy (my brother) that they wanted. Sort of a "package deal" I guess you could say. I couldn't even imagine telling a child stuff like that, except that it happened to me. I feel sorry for my adoptive parents, really. They will miss out on the lives of 3 great kids. (My kids). Sometimes I get into a blue funk and feel sorry for myself, but then I step back and realize that there are others worse off than myself.
What's your story?...If you're ever in the mood to just talk, let me know. I love to correspond with people about life in general.

Thanks again, Sheila

[Sharon]

Sheila, I'm so sorry you had such difficult experiences growing up. I'm a birthmother (my son will be 13 in June; I have not yet reunited with him and don't expect to until he's an adult) and it always terrifies me to hear stories of adoptees who were mistreated by their adoptive parents. Have you considered searching for your birthmother? At least then, you could put these questions to rest in your own mind, about why she gave you up, and about whether money changed hands (which is illegal of course. I hope you find that it's not true...if it is, it's reprehensible, both on your birthmother's part and on the part of your adoptive parents!). From reading your post, it sounds like your adoptive mother was saying anything she could to make you feel badly about yourself and your biological mother. I wouldn't believe a word of it until you find out for yourself. You don't need any "paperwork" from your adoptive mother in order to search...it's unlikely she has the information you need anyway. Instead of paying your adoptive mother for information, you should contact a reputable search angel... in order to find one, simply go on the internet and type in "Search Angels" and a whole list of names will come up. These are people who help with searches, either for free or for just what it costs to search. Chances are, you will find one who will be glad to help you. As far as being "grateful" that you were adopted...well, you can see just from reading these boards that there are MANY hopeful adoptive parents for each child that becomes available. It's not likely you would've ended up in an institution, not when so many couples are waiting to adopt. If you should be grateful for anything, it's that you survived such a wretched childhood and made it to adulthood alive! Again, I'm so sorry about your experiences growing up in this family. Perhaps it's time to break off contact with them now, or at least establish some boundaries so that they cannot continue to hurt you. Good luck in your search! Sincerely, Sharon

[Pandora]

Sheila

What an terrible story. People like that should not be allowed to adopt children - those disgusting things your adoptive mother said to you! What she said about your bio mother, I think is a nasty made up story. And she actually asked for $500! you should have asked her for triple that for doing her a favor and allowing her to have you for a daughter. You owe this stupid, ignorant, nasty, sick woman nothing. She is not worthy of you.

I am a 'b'mother and I can assure you every 'b'mother I have met (and I now met quite a few) love their children dearly even if they have not seen them since they were babys.

Most 'b'mothers were in a situation where they were forced to give their children away because they were too young with no support and wanted a better life for their children or it was forced upon them to relinquish against theyr will. It is a 'b'mothers nightmare that the people who were supposed to give their child a better life might be totally unsuitable and ignorant and even worse! actually abusive!

I am so sorry that this happened to you, you deserved a heck of a lot better.

maybe you can try to find your 'b'mother - at best she may be a nice person and at worst, she surely cannot be worse than the woman who brought you up?

Keep your chin up sweetie.

Pandora

Dearest Sheila,

What a terrible ordeal for you. I wish you so much love and luck in your life without that horrible person to drag you down. Is your adoptive father the same as his wife? Could you ask him for help?

I don't know how things work in your state but I don't think she can legally hold your info - does anyone know the answer?

Good luck and lots of courage to you sweetie.

Marie

[colin]

Sheila my insides shrieked as i read your summary of the years of living with your adopted family.

I froze and tensed inside as if waiting for the skidding car to contact my body. The real stuff you had gone through can only be imagined by myself. Their outright blatency telling you those things straight in the face must have made you feel shocked, isolated, and bothered.

What inner strength helped you through the years? Is your Brother still there for you? So many questions. How did you survive?

I am 36 and just now searching for my bfamily. I had a tough isolated existance growing up with my adopted family. Many stupid decisions and emotional neglect but i won't get into it here, this thread is for you.

YOU HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO "get into a blue funk and feel sorry for myself" Try to feel out the specific feelings. They do belong to you. Acknowledge them and accept them. Hopefully by doing this hopefully your mind will accept your right to feel the pain and after feeling it it may work it's way into growth and moving on freeing you and truly giving you your life back.

I may sound like an amateur counsellor i hope i don't sound too flaky or like i am telling you what to do. It is only that i am finding recovery from my long subconscious prison sentence through that process. It is all i have to offer you.

Keep sharing others in this network will help. I have read alot around here and there is much support, you are not alone.

When you "step back and realize that there are others worse off than myself" remember that they are, and their pains are real. ALSO REMEMBER THAT -- SO ARE YOUR FEELINGS, THEY ARE REAL and you have every right to feel them.

How are your kids doing? I have to admit, for myself, I was too frightened to have children of my own. Like they say: people who were abused turn into abusers. That scared the beans out of me. I looked back at my life and realised and it was coming true for me. I was dealing out emotional abuse to my girlfriends in my teens and early twenties.

I never ever hit them, as a matter of fact i would break up with them if i ever had the flash in my head that i wanted to hit them. In my early twenties i became aware that emotional abuse is abuse too. I know i must sound very dumb but i developed at a very slow rate in the humanities departments. I was very aware about physical abuse but this new data, emotional abuse, shed a new light on things. So i set out to deal with my problem.

I travelled for 5 years, probably trying to hide from myself, then i returned to vancouver and forced myself to really learn my mind. I ate self-help books for breakfast, had a 10 week adult Self-development course for lunch and now (with a woman i met there) am now engaged and in a safe, growing, supportive realtionship for more than three years.

Where am i going with this story?? I am not sure, i just felt like opening up. Oh yeah, i have realized i almost purged the abusive toxins from my system and feel mostly recovered. My esteem is on the rise but i still think that having children would overwhelm my system and the stress would set me back and i might not bring kids up right. So i recognise the courage of being a mother and wish your family the bes of health, both physical and emotional.

Colin

[Kelly Cox]

Sheila, my name is Kelly Cox and I am 33 years old and also adopted from Oklahoma City born at St Anthony. I had no info either but was able to get my adoption file (the whole thing) found out I have a sibling 4yrs older than me and my name at birth as well as the name of my bmom. The name of the jugde that opened my file was Charles Kelly in OKC. I was told to tell him I thought I might have some indian in me and I needed to get my file to find out so I could get on the roll. He never even looked at me and believe me I am very blonde headed and light eyes.Hey it is worth a shot. If you ever want to talk you can e-mail me at kelly-cox@sbcglobal.net Good luck in your search.

[imtimm2]

Hi Shiela,

I feel your pain, and probably your triumph too as you hold your head high as a survivor. Our adoptive families are from the same mold, and you and I, and probably some others too, carry some scars that some can not even image. But let me take the story a bit farther, as I found my birth family, and it only made things worse.

My birth father was in prison on his second run doing time after a life long rap sheet, and my birth mother is an alcholic, drug dependant who "knew I would find her" even though she tried her best not to be found. My birth sister, who is my full blood and just 10 months my junior is a bi-polar with a compulsive disorder, not to mention a whole lot of other issues......To make a long story very short, I have no contact by design with either of my birth parents, and my sister and I hold dear to the fact that we have each other.

But, the good, the bad and the ugly of this search proved to give my adoptive family ammunition to blame all my problems...yes lots of them....on my birth family, and like you, my adoptive parents deemed themselves the saviors and I owed them. It's only been months since my last phone conversation, which I ended by hanging up on my adoptive mother after listening to her berate me and accuse me of things I can't even comprehend, let alone repate. I have written my adoptive mother several times in an attempt to reach out to her, and have given the ultimative of family counceling, or no contact. Image my heart ache as my adoptive mother, whom chose to adopt me, left a voice mail informing me our relationship was over. I'm not sure I truly understand what happened either. But, if you're feeling like I do, it's a hard thing to cope with the fact of being given up not once, but twice.

I'll leave this complex thing we call our lives at that, and invite everyone who can relate to get in touch.
Take care Shiela, and email me.

[Sledge]

Oh my god, what a horrible thing for parents to say. I am an adad and my ason knows he was adopted but I still and always will treat him like my son. If he ever wants to find his bparents I would offer whatever help I could. I do understand your feelings of wanting to know who your bparents are and your aparents should've understood that also. If they thought you would never find out or would never ask about them they should not have adopted in the first place. That really should be a question that adoption agencies or Social Services ask aparent when interviewing perspective aparents or when doing homestudies. I know that we were not asked about this when we went through the process, (maybe they do ask the question and we just didn't realize it when we were interviewed) As for getting the information about them I do believe you will need to go through the court system that you were adopted through, I am not sure exactly on this process.

[sammiesosa]

my parents dont want me... they adopted me to save there marrgigae!!! thats it!!! its not cool!! and i still have to put up with it for 5 more mounths!

[colin]

Five more months to go.

Adoption is not the cure for infertility or anything else.

[imtimm2]

Amen to that thought

Adoption is not the cure for infertility or anything else.

[dl]

Adoption is not the cure for infertility or anything else.

Certainly this statement is true. Adoption in most situations is attempting to "cure" the fact that a child needs a home and parents to raise the child as bioparents are unable to provide this for whatever reason.

[anniemcu]

Sheila, I am so sorry that you faced that attitude.

I also feel sorry for your adoptive mom. Like you said, she iwll miss out on a relationship with you kids, but she obviously missed out, due to her own ineptness, in a relationship with you. I think that is a great loss.

Kids do need to be held responsible, but only for their own behavior. Your birth mom may even be (or have previously been) as bad as your adoptive mom says, but that is not *your* responsibility. And to ask you to repay the adoption fees??? That's a load of manure, IMHO. Her heart was not wholy in the the adoption.

We are all colored by our pasts, no question, but we need not be limited by them. I hope you continue to find the strength to carry on with your own life as you seem to have done well so far.

By the way, I wonder if your little cousin who obviously took great joy in disenchanting you, ever realised what a mean and awful thing they did. Perhaps that little vignette will pop up for their own education later... one can only hope.