[Msmary]

Be patient,and be ready to recieve a child at any time of the day or night,.sometimes with clothes, sometimes not. If you specify an age, maybe you can keep some clothing and maybe diapers on hand. Remember that even though your caseworker may seem nice,you are not on their high priority list, I am on my second long term child, I am praying I can adopt this 16 month old, but have to be prepared for the worst. But, stay patient, keep an open mind and get ready for a very rewarding time ahead of you. Good luck.

[szypzz]

I know that this message wasn't written with me specifically in mind, however it is the perfect message for me to find. We just finished everything and should be getting our foster care licence in the next week or two according to our CW. I would love to hear any other hints you may have. We are hoping to foster 4-9 year-old boys, but don't currently have any children in our home. Thanks in advance for any advice!! (from you or anyone else out there!)

[DianeS]

szypzz-

Some good advice I've had already is to think through who would be good potential playmates for your foster son ahead of time. That way you can go ahead and let their parents know so you can weed out anyone who has a bad preconception of foster children or who doesn't understand the supervision they may need.

We'll be fostering age 2-8, sibling groups, although we aren't as far in the process of getting licenced as you are.

When we get as close as you are, it's been recommended that we pre-cook several meals and keep them in the freezer. Life will be hectic the first couple days and it will be nice to put a dish in the oven to warm rather than having to cook from scratch.

Good luck, hope you get your call soon!

[szypzz]

Thanks for the great hints. I already have spoken to neighbors with potential playmates. However, I didn't think of or hear about the pre-cooked meals before. That's a really good idea.

I've heard that extra bedding is important as bedwetting is very common. Also we have extra combs/tooth brushes on hand.

Someone suggested that if you had asked for a specific age that you might want to keep some extra p.j.s or clothes on hand. Your ages are pretty close to ours, so I'm not sure how it would work out for us. The kids could be big or small for their age and with such a range it would be harder to have the right size on hand.

Well that's my 2-cents so far. If you think of anything else just let me know. Also if there are any other questions that I could answer for you since we are a little further into the process, just let me know.

[DianeS]

For the emergency pajamas thing, we're planning on using sweatpants (the kind with the drawstring waist) and t-shirts so one pair would do for a couple different sizes of kid. They could even wear that kind of outfit to WalMart while I get them something decent, if it comes to that.

Some other stuff we already have waiting:
Plastic sheets are a must, they go along with all those extra sheets!
Nightlights.
A radio that can play soft music so the silence doesn't scare them so much.
Several kinds of stuffed animals and blankets to choose from so they have something to cling to.
A babygate to block the hall at night so the child can't go further than the bathroom. (It's "officially" to keep the dog from roaming, so the child doesn't feel babied. But I don't want anyone falling down the stairs just because they don't remember where they are!)

I'm blessed to know 2 familes already doing foster care, so they're coaching me through the process. But they each want babies only, so I'll definitely want to hear when you get your first placement! Isn't it exciting?

[szypzz]

Thanks so much for responding to my post. It's hard to find other foster/adoptive parents just starting out and wanting children in the range we are looking. I was beginning to think there weren't any others out there.

I have another thread going that you might enjoy too.. http://www.adoptionforums.com/showth...068#post217068 I'm just trying to get as much information as possible.

As you can tell from that thread I'm in MI. If you don't mind answering, what state are you in?

[DianeS]

Yeah, I've been reading that thread. It's about the only one going on on any of the state boards.

I'm in Colorado.

[rindava]

You really don't have to worry too much about the first night/day. You usually will need to buy a new everything groomingwise for the children. They should come with an age appropriate season appropriate set of clothes within 3 days. School should start within 5 days. Babies usually end up costing you money so be ready. You can also get WIC for almost any child under 5 in foster care. T-shirts, or what ever will do. Bathing is important and getting this done the first time can be tricky especially for older kids.

100% of the caucasion foster kids I had the 5 years I fostered had head lice. Treat it early and wash sheets clothes a lot the 1st week. I usually talked the kid into switching stuffed animals, etc...

Get the kids to the Dr. and dentist ASAP and get them into therapy. They need it for court, if the kid is over 3 years old.

Get permission for haircuts if needed. Don't over do toys, but have some around.

It is best not to eat out the first night. Set your house rules early, don't let too many days go by without letting them know your expectations.

Set your expectations with SW early. If you do not want to be hauling little Suzy to her b-dad's for visits every weekend, state so forcely upfront. Don't be afraid to say no. If they threaten you to move the kids if you don't comply, then at least you stood your ground. I was taking kids to a rapist on unsupervised visits because I wanted to "please" an SW.

Supervision--WATCH your pets and other children.

If you have other kids you may want to get an alarm on the doors so you can keep a better eye on things. Foster kids will often sneak food (which is okay, but wondering around the house and molesting your other children is not) Most of my foster kids had sleeping problems.

Also, using those cloth covered plastic sheets really helps bed wetters and given a choice most kids would rather wear pullups at night then have to take a bath every morning before school.

[szypzz]

All great information, thanks!

Do you usually take the kids for b-parent visits or the SW?

I was just recently told of the lice. I hadn't heard it before that, so I'm glad to know!

Do you have posted rules? How old were your foster kids? Did you just have a discussion about what the rules/expectations are for your family? Would you please share your list of rules. I go back and forth between a few general rules, to a more specific longer list. Maybe it depends on the child. Not sure at this point.

As always any feedback is appreciated!

[rindava]

Actually most of my foster kids were pretty young when I got them (6year to 2.) My son who was a direct adoptive placement at 8 years old has so many emotional problems that a list would not have done much good anyway. If I had older kids, a list would be good. it is something I did after a awhile (2-3 weeks, with some of my 5 and 6 year olds).. I did repeat rules alot, like at this house we put dirty clothes in the hamper, not back in the drawer, etc...

Some biggest regular foster kid problems I had were
1) breaking toys which I respond with at this house we are nice to our toys or they will have to take a break and be put up, etc...
2) hiding food (I let them eat as much as they wanted and kept saying at this house we have enough food for kids, don't over buy)
3) putting dirty clothes back in the drawers
4) shop lifting (yes, by as little as a 3 year old, I watched them close and would pat them down before we left any store until the earned my trust back)
5) not telling the truth (age appropriate in a lot of ways, it is usually best to go along with it but let them know you know they are not telling the truth (example: You didn't poop in the bath tub, the dog did. What a shame that you have to clean it up?)
6) cussing (another we don't do that at our house)

I held and rocked the kids a lot. If they were very angery or sad, etc...

You probably don't want to hear my not-regular foster kid stories, but I will share anyway

I had a 5 year old who forced his sisters (4 1/2 ys, and 17 months) to have sex with him and many other things and was very cruel to them, all small kids, and animal, and broke my dogs foot, and plucked feathers out of my bird

I had a 4 year old who pulled his hair out and banged his head on the wall and floor and heard voices and declaired he was not going to church as he was God and he was not going to worship himself (he threw some very wild tantrum just about every where in public)

About 80% of my foster kids smeared poop on the walls in some location in the house.

I had a 4 year old girl who offered to give a guy at the grocery store a head job for some M&Ms

I had a 2 year old molested on a unsupervised vist with b-dad

School can be a major problem. One pretty good way to deal with school is by telling them this child is in foster care and under a lot of stress, etc.... Don't push homework issues with the kid.

You need to do what works with your family: how you want to kids to eat dinner, get ready for bed, take a bath, etc...

(You will be amazed how strange it is for most of these kids to be on a schedule. Most of my foster kids had no idea that people were not supposed to stay up all night, etc...)

If it help to write these down, then do that.

Most experts will agree that this kids needs as much nurturing contact with other people as possible. It is a good idea to limit TV, movies, computer, and video games. Also, do not have those items in their rooms.

It is also best that these kids not share a room with you "forever children" just to be on the safe side.

Birth Parent visits:
The public agency I fostered with did not require transporting to visits, but would complain a lot if you did not. You also were pretty muche expected to do all the therapy and doctor appointments and mess with the school system.

Some agencies and states are very different. Where my son is from, Missouri, they have a lot of kids with inhome workers and the inhome worker does a lot of the transporting. Also some GALs and CASA take very active roles in the kids and supervise visits, but other don't.

It is best not to let the birth parent know where you live or you phone number (hard to do with older kids).

Just to let you know, foster parenting was the most heart wrenching thing I have ever done. I stopped fostering after I had these 3 foster kids for 13 months and the SW sent them back to their crack-mom. I had known them the time they were in foster care before. It just broke my heart to much.

I have adopted 2 of my foster kids and my son through foster care.

Good Luck!

[szypzz]

Thanks for your reply. I really do want to hear your "not-regular foster kid stories." My husband and I really want to go into this with as much information as possible. We want to adopt and know that fostering is a TOTALLY different animal, but feel we have/are preparing as much as possible. We don't feel that we will be the foster parents who take in more and more children for 15 plus years, like some we know from our support group. But we realize what we are doing may not make us "forever parents" with the first children brought to our house. I was very leery of how I would handle returning children to homes I feel aren't safe (or even ones I do), but we've talked about it a lot and although we know we can never be fully prepared until it happens to us, we think we will be able to handle it. Our agency calls us the Training Experts, because we take just about anything they offer. We each have 40 some hours of training, but that won't compare to the experience gained in just one night with a child in our home.

I'm glad to hear any stories, good and bad, that anyone has to offer. I think the more we know, the better prepared we can be. (A great example is the lice.)

What do your foster children call you while they are in the home, before it's ever been decided that your adopting or they are going home?

Do you have contact with the children you fostered but didn't adopt?

FYI - while we don't have any "forever" children in our house now, we do have a cat. We will be watchful.

We've already been told that the therapy and doctor visits will be our responsibility. I was wondering if the b-families would have our address/phone number, hoping for not. I know all mail goes through our agency and the child has to open it with a therapist or CW.

What is GAL? I know what CASA is, and have seen GAL before on these forums, but either forgot what it means or wasn't told. It doesn't ring a bell though.

Does school ever get easier for these kids? Do they get better when they've had a routine going for 3-6-9 months? Or is it a few years, or never? I agree that at the point that they enter care teaching personal hygiene and social/behavioral skills is most important, but would like them to get something acedemically too.

Sorry for all the questions, just trying to be good little scouts. Be prepared!

[mckenna]

a GAL is a gardian ad litum (sp?) they are the child's attorney. very similar to casa. one thing that is very important is to have a list of questions by your home phone and work phone like:

name of child
age of child
#of sibs (many times children come for familes of 9-10 and they children are placed in varios homes)
reason child is coming into care
sw name and phone number
whether or not child has been in foster care before
type of medicaid program child is on

when you get a call about a placement, the sw may not have all the answers to these questions, but it doesn't hurt to ask.

[szypzz]

Thanks for the information. I guess I ddn't realize what questions I should ask when the call comes. I have them posted now.

Don't all the children from the same state have the same medicaid?

[DeniseM]

In my state, all the foster children have the same Medicaid.

[mckenna]

in my state, it there are different plans to choose from within the medicaid system. it is a little confusing and makes it difficult to find drs at times, that is why one of the first things i do is have the foster child switched to the medicaid plan that my pediatrician takes, because it is getting harder and harder to find a dr that takes any time of medicaid. mostly clinics are the only places still taking medicaid. my ped. stopped taking new clients on med, but will still take my foster children, because my soon-to-be son already goes there.