[mom2bemore]

Hello,

I have been considering becoming a foster parent for years, I proposed it before we had our 3.5 yo dd. DH was not on board, a number of things have changed his heart, such as being more secure in his parenting abilities, some exposure to foster-ers, etc.

A couple months ago DH told me to start collecting info however at the time I declined because we were going through our most recent, and perhaps last, IVF cycle. We found out last sunday that it was a bust .

We are now, for the first time in the full collecting information with intent to become foster parents. I anticipated it taking alot more time but....I've been praying alot and both of our hearts have been really moved. I called the agency (A private agency) and just happened to get through to the lady who just happened to have the time to talk for 30 minutes. My friend who used to foster and also battles infertility referred us. I had no idea the need is SO high not just in MI but especially in the county they live in they are for people. They have even started turning away babies from the hospital becuase they just dont have the people----this made my heart dive, I just dont understand.

So my questions:

Have any of you ever struggled with infertility, wanted a child so badly, and then fostered?

I am concerned with how we will deal with seeing these children so neglected by unthankful parents when I went through torture to get the one I have.

I am also, of course concerned about 'over bonding' with a child, especially since we are only willing to accept 0-2/3 to be younger than our DD and then having our hearts ripped out beause we want a child so bad. Background my friend had a FDD for over a year and they had started being asked to adopt, were so elated, then suddenly mom did a 180 (which is of course ideal) and the child was re-united, I think I am strong enough to deal but just dont know.

We are not doing this just to adopt and then go, we want to both foster and foster to adopt.

We have had age appropriate conversation with DD yesterday and she is SO excited she has been asking for a sister/brother for so long.

I am still nervous about what effect it will have on DD. She is so kind and open hearted and always willing to share, that is not my worry it is when they leave. We talked about how it would be kids just staying with us for a while and then we would love them but they would have to leave.

What will be the impact to her?

My husbands initial cnocerns a couple years ago with not doing this were: that he would not be able to let the kids go back and I would not be able to handle interacting with the Bmom/dad. Advice?

ALso, we are not sure if we will pursue another cycle or not. Right now I am leaning towards starting this up, doing it through the winter, seeing where we are lead and then deciding in the spring. Anyone ever BTDT?

Oh and since we were referred by another "great foster couple" per the agency director they are ready to get us on a role and she thinks we can be licensed and fostering w/in 3 months. I'm all for it, once I decided to do something I tend to go 'all in'. But I see some sayign to take it slow---advice?

[Aunt_2_Mom]

Hi, I want to answer some of these Q's but don't have time until later. How exciting for you and your husband to be on this journey! I am also from MI. I'm curious about the county you are referring to in regards to all those babies. I'm sure it's not Ingham- we wouldn't be that lucky. I'll come back to this later. I'm sure you'll get good replies from the folks on here. Take care.

[MrsCCQ]

Have any of you ever struggled with infertility, wanted a child so badly, and then fostered? Yes, I have PCOS, and we don't have bios. We are fostering to adopt!

I am concerned with how we will deal with seeing these children so neglected by unthankful parents when I went through torture to get the one I have. I think that is a normal healthy concern. But after meeting our girls, I am so sad for them that it got them where they are, but happy at the same time because I know we will be wonderful parents to them.

I am also, of course concerned about 'over bonding' with a child, especially since we are only willing to accept 0-2/3 to be younger than our DD and then having our hearts ripped out beause we want a child so bad. Background my friend had a FDD for over a year and they had started being asked to adopt, were so elated, then suddenly mom did a 180 (which is of course ideal) and the child was re-united, I think I am strong enough to deal but just dont know. You can get licensed and only take low risk, and/or only TPR'd children. I am sure that in MI there are young children with rights already terminated. OR you could do Safe Haven, where the legal risk is sometimes lower.

We are not doing this just to adopt and then go, we want to both foster and foster to adopt.

We have had age appropriate conversation with DD yesterday and she is SO excited she has been asking for a sister/brother for so long.

I am still nervous about what effect it will have on DD. She is so kind and open hearted and always willing to share, that is not my worry it is when they leave. We talked about how it would be kids just staying with us for a while and then we would love them but they would have to leave.

What will be the impact to her? I am certain there will be impact. Both positive and negative. At the end of the day though, she will learn to love through diversity. She will see that her parents helped and loved these children that they did not birth, despite obstacles.

My husbands initial cnocerns a couple years ago with not doing this were: that he would not be able to let the kids go back and I would not be able to handle interacting with the Bmom/dad. Advice? Once again if you do TPR/Safe Haven you wouldn't probably have to interact w/ BP's. Our girls are TPR'd and we don't have visits etc.

ALso, we are not sure if we will pursue another cycle or not. Right now I am leaning towards starting this up, doing it through the winter, seeing where we are lead and then deciding in the spring. Anyone ever BTDT? There are several people that have. My friend at Hurdles of Life, Love & Family is in that exact situation. She is also in Michigan.

Personally, we went risk to reward. We would do IVF and risk our savings etc. and possibly get no baby. OR We could get licensed and see if the cards land in place for us to be parents. Thankfully they did for us. We're going to be adopting a 4 and 6 yr old sister set.

Oh and since we were referred by another "great foster couple" per the agency director they are ready to get us on a role and she thinks we can be licensed and fostering w/in 3 months. I'm all for it, once I decided to do something I tend to go 'all in'. But I see some sayign to take it slow---advice?

I say take it slow because it is a process. Child comes to live, and it is a 6 month minimum for them to live with you before you can adopt. It's not as easy as them being there and life goes on. You will have case workers in and out of your life, you will possibly have visits with parents and extended family, and all of the other normal things that come with being a parent. At the end of the day though, it is rewarding, and you may find yourself in more of a mentor role with the birth parents where you do help them parent their own child. EVERY situation is different.

I say best of luck to you and I think foster/adopt is a wonderful way to build your family.

[mom2bemore]

Aunt-Thank you, I look forward to your responses. We live in St.Joseph county (SWMI). We are going through Lutheran SS, I talked to Bethany today and just felt mroe 'at home' with the conversations I have had with LSS. We will be going to the mid august orientation. I have requested their questionnaire and a list of documents we need to compile so we can have our questions ready at that time....I'm a bit of a 'planner'.

MrsCCQ-thank you for the wonderful response. Is there a place I can look up the terms you used? Safe Haven, TPR, etc? I will look up that link to your friend. I KNOW others have BTDT but sometimes its so isolating to be in the struggle you feel like you are the only one.

I have been praying and asking to be spirit led in this decision and I think it has worked. I have decided to meet with our fertility doctor and find out what our options are for another IVF but not pursue it at this time. As for savings we are VERY blessed that our insurance currently covers 100% of the costs up to 25K and we have not yet maxed out. THAT is why it is so hard, plus I keep thinking if we are going to try again we should do it this year since you never know when your benies will change.

As for impact on our daughter I feel alot better after talking to her and my hubby. I tend to worry alot about things that will turn out fine. I think she will have alot of positive impacts but of course there will be grieving when the kids leave. She was so endearing last night talking about reasons they might need to come stay with us, reasons she thought up on her own. She said "maybe some kids done have nice mommies and daddies and you are nice mommy and daddy so I can share with them and they can sleep in my bed and if the store doesnt have stuff they need like a toothbrush I can give them mine" (she is very verbal). It melted my heart and the more I think on it the better I feel. Doing some respite at first might be a good way to get started. Alot to learn though so who knows.

Thanks ladies

[ilovelucy72]

We are also wanting to foster/adopt because of infertility issues. We just found out in early May that our best bet would be IVF with donor eggs. That would be about $22,000 with only a 65% chance that we would get pregnant like MrsCCQ we had to way the pros and cons. Since I was in foster care for about two years as a teenager and know some things we decided to try the foster care system.

We are just starting off our licensing process but are wanting 0-5 boy/girl. Our main goal is to adopt.

I too tend to go full speed ahead with things, and have been trying to pace myself. We dont have any children of our own so I wouldnt be able to give you any advice with your daughter. But my thoughts and prayers are with you as you try to decide what is best for your family.

[hklb]

We're fostering due to infertility issues. And if you look at my signature you'll see that we've had 20 children come through our home in the last 10 or so months (since we're open to do respite). I want children of my own so badly that it "physically hurts" sometimes. However, we have discovered that having children come and go helps and is even gratifying as we wait for our "forever children."

My husband and I had some of the same concerns as you. The only experience we had with a longer term placement (so far) was with 3 siblings all under the age of 2 that were with us for 4.5 months. We became attached on purpose because if we didn't we feel they would have suffered worse problems. I guess our take is that we'd rather have "our hearts ripped out" when they left then have them suffer from attachment issues because we didn't attach/bond with them.

We were also afraid of "giving them back," but as we got to know their family that fear rapidly left. We haven't worked with a family yet that didn't LOVE their children and with the 3 littles we had a "high" for a day due to their happiness and joy about getting their kids back. I did make a comment wondering if it would be different if the children were in our home for a year or more...I'm sure it would be different, but I hope we'd be happy enough for the family that the pain wouldn't be too bad.

I can't speak to having other children in the home because we do not, but we do have nieces and nephews who visit a lot and they have been great about it.

I don't know if I answered/spoke to any of your questions, but I wanted to share a bit of our experience as we're relatively new to fostering as well and I can definately empathize with the infertility and desiring children!

[elk134]

We also started on the foster/adopt journey due to infertility issues. (Actually secondary infertility) After two failed IVF attempts, it appeared adoption was our only option, and since insurance didn't cover our IVF, our financial resources for a private adoption were basically zero. So to add more children to our family, foster/adopt was really our only option.

The ironic thing for us is that while we started out initially wanting to adopt, our goals have since changed. We do not necessarily wish to adopt right now, we are really just straight foster at this point. That could change in the future, but for right now that suits us just fine. I think because we tried for so long-over 10 years, we were to the point, that we wanted a baby just because we couldn't have one. Not realizing, we were getting older every day. Our bio son is now a senior in high school and when we had our first toddler placement, it was quite a wake up call as to the amount of work that is required that I guess we just forgot about. All we were thinking about was that cuddly cute baby. Because for us it had been sooo long since we last had a child that young. Your situation is different though.

It is still very hard when the kids leave. We had one placement I would have loved to adopt (they were legally free), but DH did not really think it was right for us- and he was probably right. But it still hurts when kids do leave us. Our thinking, though, is we still get to have kids in our lives, and we are able to help them through a very difficult time in their lives, even if it is only for a short time. I would not give up any of the time I have had with my foster kids for anything in the world. They have been a true gift to me.

[mom2bemore]

Lucy, HK, Elk - thank YOU for your responses.

Elk-I think you are right, after a while you are just driving at a goal because that is what you set your mind to. I'm not even sure a bio is right for us right now either which I had NEVER stopped to think about.

HKLB-what do you think about doing respite care? I thougth that might be a good way to 'get our toes wet' and introduce DD to the idea that they will be here and then will have to leave. I also have alot medical knowledge so I could handle respite for a medically complex child. I have been 'warned' by others that it might not be idea because you get all the negative and little positive - examples I was given were "lots paperwork, transition time, distrust, lack routine" but not enough time to bond get in a routine etc.

lovelucy-IVF is such a wringer, and I think them telling you 65% is a bit overly optimistic given the reading I hvae done and my doc is rated very high. I think you picked a great path. 22K is ALOT money, wow. I havent been through 'that' much as far as IF goes but everyones tolerance is different and I am approaching mine.


My history:

2004-2005 TTC ah natural
2005-2006 medicated 'natural' attempts
2006 IVF-success (hyperstimming misery)
12/2006 - DD born full term & health (after complicated pregnancy)
2007-2008 didnt have heart to jump back on IF/pregnancy bandwagon
5/2009-FET (negative)
7/2009-FET (negative)
8/2009-FET (positive)
10/2009-M/C with D&C
7/2010 -FET (negative)

[hklb]

Respite care is actually a fun way to go...most of the time!

It's usually only about 2 to 3 days although we're currently taking care of a child for 10 days and we had a child for 18 days over Christmas.

Usually, there is no paperwork, etc... The foster parent gives us a routine we follow (though sometime they just say, "have a good time."). We haven't had the issue of lack of trust by the kids because they usually understand what's going on. With the little ones--3 and younger--they tend to stick to us like glue--refusing to go to church nursery, etc... but that's understandable.

In many ways it's more like a holiday for the child and the foster parent. They both get a break from each other. The child/ren usually honeymoon with us so we don't see the behaviors they would otherwise exhibit. I also tend to keep the kids in my home so busy with swimming and other activities (if behavior & other issues warrant) they're usually tired at bed time.

Of course, age and issues have a lot to do with it too. We had 2 & 3 year old developmentally delayed siblings who screamed both weekends we had them. Needless to say, they were a handful. I believe they were eventually separated due to their issues.

Respite has really helped our nieces and nephews understand that kids will come and go out of our home and they've enjoyed it...especially when there is a child their age or a little one they can play with.

Because of my husband's fear of "letting the kids go." We initially planned on doing respite only, but as we've had several straight fostering situations that ended up with the kiddos going home after the shelter care hearings, I believe he no longer cares.

We're currently licensed for six kids--4 long term and 2 respite.

[MrsCCQ]

http://forums.adoption.com/acronyms.php

Will tell you some acronyms on this site.

TPR is Termination of Parental Rights.

a Safe Haven baby would be a baby that was born and turned over to the hospitals/fire station because the mother didn't want the baby. They still have 30 days to change their mind, but at least you will know sooner rather than later where the baby is going to stay.

[ckhaven]

Originally Posted by mom2bemore

My friend who used to foster and also battles infertility referred us. I had no idea the need is SO high not just in MI but especially in the county they live in they are for people. They have even started turning away babies from the hospital becuase they just dont have the people----this made my heart dive, I just dont understand.

I'm only a bit further along in the fostering process than you are but I just wanted to flag this so you're not disappointed.

I'm sure the need is great for loving homes like yours but I can't imagine that any hospital is turning away babies for treatment because they don't have enough foster parents.

I've seen several people post on here that they were led to believe there were plenty of babies to foster then, once they got more into the system, they realized that wasn't necessarily true. I would hate to see you become one of the disappointed people who are waiting longer than they'd hoped.

[mom2bemore]

Originally Posted by ckhaven

I'm only a bit further along in the fostering process than you are but I just wanted to flag this so you're not disappointed.

I'm sure the need is great for loving homes like yours but I can't imagine that any hospital is turning away babies for treatment because they don't have enough foster parents.

I've seen several people post on here that they were led to believe there were plenty of babies to foster then, once they got more into the system, they realized that wasn't necessarily true. I would hate to see you become one of the disappointed people who are waiting longer than they'd hoped.

Thank you very much for having my best interest at heart I really am sure there are agencies doing this. The agency I chose is a private agency and all the comment means is that their agency cant place them and they either refer them back to DHS to find placement for or put them to the other private agency that workd in this area.

The agency we have chosen is one that our friends just put themselves on 'hold' status in because they are soon due with their own bambino, she put herself on a 'hold' status after receiving 5 calls in a ROW for babies from the hospital that they were having a hard time finding a spot for. Two years ago when she was wanting so badly to foster to adopt and hoping for a baby she didnt get any calls like that...things seem to have really changed around here recently--perhaps economy perhaps just so short on homes. I guess only time will tell what the true state of the state is. Oh and to be fair the sw did say that as soon as she says something like that they will turn around and not have any babies for a while and I should keep myself open to 3 or under and keep in mind babies are highly desired yadda yadda she just seems to think right now most in my county are of the "wanting older kids because the FP need their sleep".

I am not 'set' on a baby, I would love to have a 2 year old and my 3 yo would be also. I will take your caution to heart, I appreciate it.