[bamamommy]

We are in the licensing process to foster/adopt and keep getting questions from various people about having more biological children. It actually seems to be the first question people ask us. Why does this matter so much? I have two bio kids and have little desire to have more right now. Why can't they just be happy with us adopting a child? Anyone else have this problem?

[cecegarrett]

We lost a baby mid pregnancy 2 years ago and are now infertile... so most of our issues are people assuming that we are foster to adopt b/c we want to replace a loss. Totally offensive. We even had one class teacher say "I hope you're over the dying baby thing." to us mid class. This normally calm, funny pastor's wife was about ready to have a throw down... LOL

I guess what bothers me is why people assume that we must have some selfish motive to do this... that no one would do this unless they needed something from the experience. We always planned to foster parent and adopt. And our selfish motive is.. we want to live our lives loving and nurturing as many people as we can. See a need, fill it.

[Sosaweet]

The first thing I was asked is "are you trying to get pregnant?" No, I am not. Then they asked why we wanted to do this. Huh? I don't even really see how one is related to the other. We are straight fostering.

[CaddoRose]

I think this is just another symptom of the whole idea that blood relation is more important than anything else and unfortunately, that still plays out every day in the foster care system. It's also a holdover from days gone by where infertile couples would wonder down to the local orphanage and pick to a child to raise. Societal ideas and media have a huge impact how adoption and foster care is viewed by the masses.

[bamamommy]

Thanks everyone for your input. It feels so natural to us and we can't wait to welcome a new child into our home, whether it be for a few weeks or forever. I feel personally offended when people say negative things about fostering and adoption because I was in foster care and adopted as an infant. I thought the classes would scare us a bit, but we are more ready than ever! I am being hopeful that our decision will grow on the doubtful individuals because I want people to have positive feelings about fostering and adoption.

[Scrapsathome]

I've found foster parenting to be a little bit like homeschooling. In both situations, when we first told people that we were planning to start everyone had lots of questions that amounted to, "Why on Earth would you want to do that?" They thought there must be some major reason that would push someone over the edge to make such a decision.

As time has passed they've been able to see all the wonderful aspects of both and the positive affect on the kids, both ours and those we've fostered. It's one of those things where people just have to observe you over time before their opinions will change.

As for the bad rap that foster parents get or people who are trying to foster to adopt, I think it's because there really are some people who are very over the top emotional about this. They really are deeply wounded by loss or infertility and see this as a "last hope" sort of situation. I met some people like that at a recent adoption support group meeting I attended for the first time.

Cece, when I read what that person said to you, I thought, "Wow. She is a much stronger person than I am." I would have had trouble restraining myself from going off on her. I definitely would have reported her to her supervisor. Someone that rude and insensitive has no business teaching those kinds of classes.

Jess

[arbuckle17]

We can't have children. Still feel that ting of ouch when we get those questions.

My family is the worst, they know the situation, and they are great with the kiddos we have now, but I swear to God next time one of them asks us if we have tried X I am going to put them in there place.

I am tired of seeing my dw's eyes drop when someone who is clueless makes those comments.

Our choice as a married couple to stop the treatments, not theirs.

sorry my little rant on the subject.

[heatherandlouis]

I really hate when people ask us if we have any children of our own. When I say yes our son Evan, who was adopted at birth, they say of so you don't have any of your "own" children. It is so insenstitive and disrepectful! My son has been my own from the moment he landed in my arms as the birthmother pushed him out

[txwannabemom]

People are rude and nosey.

Try being 25, single and starting the process.
LOTS OF RUDE QUESTIONS about my ability/ desire to concive, marry, pregnancy etc!
Now I am 26 yrs old with a 7 yr old.
LOTS of assumtion that I was a 19 yr who got knocked up and left.

All I can do is laugh now. It's ridiculous.

[laceyc]

Originally Posted by cecegarrett

We lost a baby mid pregnancy 2 years ago and are now infertile... so most of our issues are people assuming that we are foster to adopt b/c we want to replace a loss. Totally offensive. We even had one class teacher say "I hope you're over the dying baby thing." to us mid class. This normally calm, funny pastor's wife was about ready to have a throw down... LOL.

I am a youth pastor's wife, we had 2 m/c last year and if anyone said this to me...well it would not have been pretty..I dont know about you but it's been a year since my last m/c and I am carrying a healthy baby now and I'm still not over it.... when people found out we were pg again most of them said "so you're not going to do the foster thing" Uh- yeah, we still plan on doing that...waiting for the phone to ring. If God laid it on my heart to do that when I wasn't pg what makes me think He has changed His mind?

[cecegarrett]

Amen LaceyC!!!
So sorry for your losses and I will pray for a smooth remainder of your pregnancy and a wonderfully wonderful baby in May. My blog details our loss and our journey in ministry (as well and insane stories) If you want the address just PM me.

[Kimberly1977]

Originally Posted by laceyc

I am a youth pastor's wife, we had 2 m/c last year and if anyone said this to me...well it would not have been pretty..I dont know about you but it's been a year since my last m/c and I am carrying a healthy baby now and I'm still not over it.... when people found out we were pg again most of them said "so you're not going to do the foster thing" Uh- yeah, we still plan on doing that...waiting for the phone to ring. If God laid it on my heart to do that when I wasn't pg what makes me think He has changed His mind?

I'm in a similar situation. We picked up a foster-to-adopt, newborn, perfect, baby boy at the hospital a little over 4 weeks ago (I don't know how we got so lucky). Three and a half weeks ago, we found out we were pregnant. We actually had someone ask if we were still planning to adopt our fs.

I've also gotten the whole, you just needed to relax to get pregnant thing, which really annoys me. No, what I needed was the right kinds of fertility drugs in the right amounts.

And I'm not a pastor's wife... as a fellow m/c survivor, my hubby would have had to restrain me. That is a terrible and very hurtful thing to say.

[bozgirl13]

My husband and I are brand new to all of this. We decided to look into the foster/adopt process because we would love to be parents but I have some health issues that would make having a biological child very difficult. Our families have been extremely supportive but we get the "Oh can't you have children?" questions a lot. I hate when they try to act sympathetic but say things like "Oh, I'm so sorry you can't get pregnant and have to go through this process." What? They probably mean well, but there is nothing to be sorry for. There are beautiful children out there waiting for a family and if we are blessed enough to be chosen then that will be special and wonderful. We don't feel as if we are "missing out" on anything.

[o2b30again]

When we decided to adopt I got all the same response from my family. I think the questions really stemmed more from them having to answer these questions when others posed questions to them. I can have more children and in all honesty the joke is that if we sneeze we get pregnant. So why wouldn't we just have more of our "own"? Blood doesn't make a family and there are children in this world that need homes.

My favorite question is "so, which of these children are your adopted children" This is front of the children. I use a response that I learned here "I have so many kids keeping them all straight I forget. They are all my kids" They usually responsed by laughter and all is well.

My mother who was extremely worried about the adoption stuff is now saying things like...if you get a bigger home you could fit more kids. etc. This is a complete flip on her part. Sometimes I just think peoples comments are more about "their"feelings...are they going to be able to connect to that child? Will they love them less then the blood family members?

Its sad.