[sparkle1908]

Just wondering if at the start of your foster/adopt process if there were:

• Any questions that you asked that you thought were "stupid" (what was it and the answer)?
• If there was something that you WISHED you had asked before you got placed with a child but did not? Do you regret it?
• Any advice or words of wisdom that you would give to anyone starting the process?

Don't hold back...your words may help someone else make better decisions, ask better questions and be a better parent overall!!!!

Thank you (I love picking the brains of experts..lol)!!!!!

[Prettyboicris]

My wife and I have not gotten a placement yet, however any question that came to mind we asked. We rather ask than assume the wrong things.

Word of advice, people have strong opinions so at times you may have to ignore some of the things people say especially if you feel like you are being attacked. Someone on here told me once to wade through all the info given and decide what is best for me and my family. Take what you need and leave the rest.

Best of luck to you and your family.

[anilorak13ska]

Stupid questions, no. Stupid answers? Well, that's another story! lol

No, seriously, we had questions to which we expected different answers than what we got. For instance, since we had just completed an adoption HS months earlier, we thought at least some of that could transfer to the fost/adopt HS. Nope. We were supposed to get a negative TB result, but when we went to the health dept., we were told that they no longer do standard testing for folks who, according to their questionnaire, are not likely to have it. I explained that this was for foster care, and they said that DSS should know what their procedure is. I paid for the sheet of paper stating that I most likely don't have TB, and was disappointed to find out from DSS that it's the Health Dept that should've been familiar with DSS's procedure. And so we had to take more time off work to this time go elsewhere where they don't just take your money and wish you a nice day.

One question we did ask that I was afraid might've come off as stupid was: "why do some foster parents decide not to adopt their fd/fs if they become available?" For us, hoping to adopt, the idea of saying no seemed so foreign. But now I understand - and am grateful for - "different strokes for different folks"

[BigLex]

Originally Posted by anilorak13ska

One question we did ask that I was afraid might've come off as stupid was: "why do some foster parents decide not to adopt their fd/fs if they become available?" For us, hoping to adopt, the idea of saying no seemed so foreign. But now I understand - and am grateful for - "different strokes for different folks"

Thanks for saving me from MY stupid question.

[arbuckle17]

There are a lot of things we learned, on the fly.

I think the biggest one was you can't really rely on projected dates. The workers really don't know much more than you do, so it is better to just plan for the kiddo to be with you for a long time. FS1 missed out on several months of his Spec Ed preschool because we wern't sure how long he would be here.

[CaddoRose]

Originally Posted by arbuckle17

There are a lot of things we learned, on the fly.

I think the biggest one was you can't really rely on projected dates. The workers really don't know much more than you do, so it is better to just plan for the kiddo to be with you for a long time. FS1 missed out on several months of his Spec Ed preschool because we wern't sure how long he would be here.

I'm so glad you mentioned this. When I get a placement I operate as though they will be here for at least 6 months. I start right in on getting every service( ECI, medical) they can get because so many in foster care haven't gotten anything they need(neglect). Even if they end up moving to a relative, or back home, at least I was able to get them evaluated, into services, vaccinations,etc and it really helps CPS get a judge to order the parents/relatives to continue the services.

[Mallynn]

Good to know!

[anilorak13ska]

We got our first placement a month ago. Here's what I've learned:

- demand the foster parent agreement. If you don't, they're happy for you to have the child with absolutely no document proving that you are legally supposed to have the child. If you must take the child to the doctor, and you don't even have this document, don't count on beeing seen. The foster care coordinator tried to tell me that the docs would call the on-call social worker in such a situation to confirm that you should have the child. Guess who's supposed to supply them with the phone number? You. And don't count on all medical offices cooperating with you on this, either. What's more, our CW was supposed to fax this form to the doc in time for her apt, and when we got there, they had not received it. We were supposed to get a copy of it from them. The only reason they saw Baby V anyway was that it was DSS that called to schedule the apt. I had the CW fax the form directly to my work instead.

- request the child's doctor information, so you can confirm if they have any missed appts they need to make up. Baby V had missed her 6 month shots, so we had to get her in asap to do that. Btw, it may be a good idea to look into getting a prescription for EMLA, which is a pain relief cream. Our pediatrician and her staff had never heard of it (great), but the pharmacist says it is available only by prescription. You need to be outspoken about helping to alleviate the child's pain, even something that seems so inconsequential as a vaccine.

- request the child's ID, birth certificate, Medicaid, something. We are STILL waiting on this. Luckily, the foster parent agreement (that we got 3 days after placement) has been enough for her to see the doc and to enroll her in daycare.

- If you're getting a small child, ask about getting WIC to help cover formula. I'm still on a mission to do this. (They say they call back, but good luck if you're waiting for that to happen.) This is something DSS should tell you right off the bat but don't, also daycare requirements:

- confirm with DSS regarding appropriate daycare options. Baby V was with my mother for 3 weeks when we found out that she wasn't allowed to care for her bc she wasn't a licensed daycare provider. So we had to scramble to find a daycare for her. We also hadn't realized that DSS pays for daycare in addition to the monthly stipend. This would've affected our childcare choice initially as well, since I was expecting to have to pay out of pocket, and the monthly stipend wouldn't have covered the daycare.

Also good to know, especially if you're considering fost-adopt: ask if the child has any siblings, and what their situation is. We don't want to be in a position to separate siblings, but we also cannot take in a sibling group. So we don't want to take in one child only to find out their sibs are in need of care as well, and then we either get in over our head or say we cannot accomodate keeping the sibs together.

Btw, the DSS folks don't seem to know the details of a case or don't seem to care if they misspeak. We were given several incorrect points of information regarding Baby V's case, none that affected our ability to care for her, but if they can't keep something as simple as the bio parent's ages straight, then can they remember more crucial details? I always want to ask several times and confirm with different people if it's something important.

[chloroxsis]

How long should I give you to...?

I have found you have to start practicing your advocating skills. You will need to advocate for your child's education, special services, etc. And it starts with getting your work done. I called my worker everyday for a week the week my HS was due to be in for consideration. I keep track of promises, and then I ask again. I compare how extremely different the answers are from week-to-week to know what is a real answer and what is a pacifier answer. Too many pacifying answers to count.

Ask, and advocate...that's what I have learned so far!