[wishing09]

So, my DH and I went through the IVF process with no luck, and shortly after decided to start pursuing fostering or adoption or foster/adopt. About a month ago we were talking and he tells me that he is "on the fence" about having children at all now. He said he felt totally on board during the IVF treatments, but now isn't sure. In the last couple weeks he feels that he has "warmed up" to the idea after spending some time with friends that have fostered and adopted, but still isn't sure. We started seeing a counselor yesterday, and she thinks we maybe have some smaller issues we need to resolve, then the answer will be very clear (she says we are really very stable, just need to reconnect in some regards). I'm so frustrated!! Having gone through all of the fertility treatment and then this? Has anyone else had a spouse that got a little "cold feet"? Oh, and we are already started on our PS-MAPP classes, which he would like to continue.

I'm not sure anyone really has any answers for me, and that's ok. Just needed to vent to someone--not something I really want to chat about with family and friends right now. Anyway, thanks for reading

[embuck]

Me and dh did IVF twice the year before we signed up for our PRIDE classes and started our adoption journey. But unlike your dh mine was totally on board. Probably more open in allot of things I wasn't even completely on board with at the time.

Has he told you WHY? he is being so cautious about this? Is it because of the chance of the kids leaving your home or something entirely diff? Some men have DNA issues....well I shouldn't say men... some people in general. Maybe the whole confusing process scares him, the red tape... who knows???? If he is thinking about hanging out with families who have adopted themselves maybe he isn't sure he can love someone elses child or commit to them like he should. What do you think is going on? If he is continuing the classes then thats as good a start as any. I think really going thru out classes changed our perspective on allot of issues we never thought about enough. It literally changed our hearts from just trying to adopt a baby to literally helping those kids who are in need of home and support.

[wishing09]

Honestly, he can't articulate why. He says that the idea of children coming into our lives and leaving again is actually less scary than the idea of them STAYING. I've known him for 11 years, and I see him struggle with change from time to time, and this is a big one. He likes the way we are, and doesn't want that to change. And he is absolutely fantastic with kids! For me the most frustrating part is the "why". I am the kind of person that needs concrete reasons and answers (which I found out in our session yesterday, is not always good! lol). And I also must always be planning, so taking small steps is very hard for me. I have asked him if it is the fact that it won't be his bio child, and he says he doesn't think so. Unfortunatley, I don't think he honestly knows. In my gut, I think its another case of a big change being difficult, and I have no doubt he would just melt the first time we take care of a child. But from everything I've read, fostering is not an easy road, so I really want him on board before we jump in 100%. Thanks for the response Embuck, it helps to get other perspectives!

[embuck]

Your welcome! Yes I would deff agree to him being on board 100%. It is a very hard thing when you foster and your husband doesn't agree or help its almost like your fighting yet another battle. I guess all you can do is continue classes and counseling until he comes around and discovers the reasons for himself. I too am one to plan and not necessarily need concrete reasons but deff reasons for closure to just move on already. I hope you guys come to a decision soon. I just don't understand why he was doing so well with the IVF... bio kids are forever too. LOL

[greenrobin]

Sometimes the idea of something is easier than the reality of it.

With the IVF, it was still only the idea of a child. And I'm sorry that it didn't work for you. He might have had the same reaction if it had worked, though.

Although I thought we were together on the desire for our first child, I was caught totally off guard when dh started feeling a bit ambivalent and panicked. Children are a huge change to your relationship, your life, everything. It also changes your role from wife/lover to wife/lover/MOTHER. Some guys get a little weirded out by that. Mine included. He was also afraid that he would fail as a father.

He got over it. And he's been a really great dad for the last 25 years.

Counselling is such a good idea. Kudos to both of you for being open to it.

Good luck in your efforts.

[MamaS]

Being a single adoptive parent I did not have to consider a husband, but I did read this and found it interesting. Maybe it has something that would help?

Few men would own up to not loving their baby. So is there something wrong with this father or do many feel the same? | Mail Online

[wishing09]

Thanks guys for the responses. Somehow I assumed that my husband felt the same way I did, but I'm glad he told me now rather than further down the road.

Greenrobin--you make a good point about it just being an "idea". There was no guarantee it was going to result in an actual baby.

MamaS--thanks for the article. I read it to my husband. He thought it was great. I think he feels a little relieved that he's not the only one to ever feel like this. When I finished reading it, he actually said "is that the end? I want to hear more!".

So we will continue on. Thanks for the support, much appreciated

[laceyc]

DH and I have one beautiful bio dtr and had 2 m/c last year. We started the foster care process in Feb and should finished next week (yeah). Anyway, about a month ago I asked him if he ever thought we were getting in over our heads and he said "all the time". I asked if we needed to not do this but we decided to keep going and see where this road goes...so yes I think "cold feet" is normal.