[FtWorthgirl]

Hello! My husband and I are seriously considering becoming foster parents. I have never had biological children of my own and he has a grown daughter in college. His concern is that she is not going to be supportive of our efforts to become foster parents because she feels that her father was far too strict when she was growing up. There are other issues with her as well. His relationship with her is not very close but he loves her dearly and voluntarily pays her college expenses, health care and other things...typical Dad stuff. Anyway, he told me he is worried that her opinions of his parenting style might be a hindrance in getting a home study approved. I am not that worried about it because whenever I have questioned her about it, she just says he was really strict but can't seem to remember details. She is a drama queen. He has several years of experience working with youth for a national organization as well as a security clearance for his job. Do we have to use her as a reference for a homestudy? We live in TX

[DreamingAzure]

Unless the Daughter is living at home with you, she won't be interviewed for the homestudy, so I wouldn't worry about it. You do NOT have to use her for a reference, and actually the fact that she is in college and being a productive member of society says more then "strict" does

I was told that Authoritarian parents are actually prefered as foster parents because of the desperate need for structure and boundries that most foster kids need.

Don't worry about!

[CaddoRose]

Quite simply, she doesn't get a vote in the matter. She won't be involved in nay way with the home study or anything else unless you make her involved.

I second PP about her being in college and being productive. Parents without rules and borders usually do not make good foster parents because the kids are desperate for structure. If his daughter can not really give any details about her life and his strict parenting, then she just didn't like the rules. Funny thing is that when she has kids, I bet she will be strict just like dear old Dad!

Even if the CW wanted to interview her, it wouldn't mean that her info would keep you from getting a license. A CW can tell the difference between a drama queen kid and a person who has experienced real abuse.

[FtWorthgirl]

Thank you for the replies. I will share that with him. I told him to let her talk to any social worker because if they probe enough they will be able to tell that she is a silly drama queen. However, he worries because there is negativity between he and his ex wife. BUT, when he first got his security clearance and they(the investigators) had to interview his ex wife and she didnt have anything negative to say about him as a husband or father. I told him that we are gonna approach all of this with nothing to hide. I think we have a lot to offer a child in need.

[Hadley2]

Setting aside the question of whether or how your husband's daughter might affect your homestudy...

I notice that you call her a "drama queen" twice and added "silly" the second time. Of course, I don't know what has gone on before, but I do know that a tendency to dismissive name calling does not bode well for future family harmony, with or without foster children. I don't mention this judgmentally of you but as an observation.

FWIW, Having three children, two bio, one soon to be adopted and knowing many people who have tried to step parent, including a few who jumped in with no prior parenting experience, I think it is safe to say that walking into a child's life cold with no "ramp up," if you will, to where that child is developmentally, emotionally, and relationally--whether three years old, 15, 25 or older--can be wretchedly difficult for everyone no matter how good everyone's intentions are. It is just often a really very hard thing to do. Goodness, my widowed dad remarried at 79 when I was 41 and I have some difficulties with the lovely lady who is his wife. I certainly don't even consider her a "step mother." While I like her and welcome her into the family, she is his wife.

If your stepdaughter has behaved or behaves dramatically specifically as a daughter or just generally in life, or if that is at least your perception of her behavior, there is probably a reason. It sounds as if there may be some hurtful and unresolved issues there that, I suspect, may worsen and affect your relationship to her and with your dh as well as his with his daughter if they remain open while adding fostering and all the things a hurting daughter may read into that into the mix.

At the least, I'd suggest appreciating that how she behaves in particular situations at particular times does not define what she is. There is more to all of us than that and there may be more positive things to her for you than that.

If, on the other hand, and I am not saying I think this is true or not, just a possibility, by "strict" you and she mean your dh doled out corporal punishment and still intends to, then you do have a problem that goes beyond what she might or might not say because he should not be fostering.

I hope everything turns out well all around and that maybe this idea of fostering might spur some healing and growth if it is wanted or needed.

[FtWorthgirl]

Hadley,
I appreciate what you are saying or trying to say. When I was young I was a stepdaughter myself to a woman who did not respect my relationship with my own father and did not do much to encourage it. She never seemed too fond of me. I bend over backwards to make sure I am not the same kind of stepmother, even though she was grown when I came along. However, she was NEVER spanked by either parent as a child or any other kind of corporal punishment. They did not believe in it. Everything is dramatic to this girl, everything. To me, she can be very silly and has a lot of growing up to do. Her father recently offered her joint counseling to work on the issues in their relationship and she agreed but then called him later and told her that her mother said that counseling is for "crazy people" and she would not be participating in that after all. I DO try to respect her feelings and what she says but it is hard to take her seriously when the worst thing she could say to me when I asked her why she thinks her dad was so tough on her in her childhood and all she can say is something vague like "he made me sit in time-out" or "my mom said he was too strict" and he would take away privileges for misbehavior. No joke. I will continue to be good to her and respectful of her but I don't have much understanding of that kind of mentality. I have the attitude that if she as a grown young woman thinks there is a problem, then she and her father should work on it. If she doesn't want to work on it, then it must not be that important, and she needs to quit griping. But that is just me. I guess she is just a young girl who has not grown up yet and is stuck in a dynamic of two divorced parents who can't stand each other. Maybe she seeks attention, I dunno. She and I have a growing and very cordial relationship and I intend to keep it that way.

edited for clarity of my thoughts