[DreamingAzure]

Ok..this topic was brought up on one of my international adoption groups and it made me wonder about racism within foster care.

My parents are very resistant to the idea of my sister or I adopting(or long term fostering) AA children. Where as they are open to us adopting internationally from Ethiopia(although their first choice would be Asian or Caucasian).

Their issue is not so much skin color as it is culture. The area we live in is one of the poorest areas in Texas. Most middle class, educated African-Americans LEAVE this part of the state for greener pastures as here they are "uncle toms" or trying to "pass".

My mother recently had a discussion, about us fostering, with a number of her co-workers who are AA, and they all said the same thing...that not raising an AA child in "modern black culture"(hip-hop and slang/ebonics were both listed) was hateful and hurtful to the child. They also included changing 'ethnic' names as being hateful and hurtful. She called and told me I needed to make sure we didn't end up with any AA babies as she was NOT going to help raise a child in the "modern black culture"...and I can't help but agreeing...

Those are all things that would be completely unacceptable in my home. None of my black friends, all of whom live in other states, wouldn't allow them either.

I sit and stare at the page of my application which asks about race and age...and I don't know what to put. Am I going to be dinged as a 'racist' if I don't check off "black" on my list of acceptable races? Or do I check it and try to explain the concerns to the SW?(we submitted with this info blank, were told we could add it after we had finished PRIDE and had a better idea of where we really stood.)

Has anyone else faced this? How did you deal with it?

[msgypsylee]

I'm just kind of shaking my head at this post. I don't think you can take the opinion of a few people heard through someone else that AA kids must be raised with hip hop and ebonics as part of a proper upbringing. Its absurd. This assumes that all AA are into hip hop and urban culture alone. That its a requirement to be an AA in America. If your family is not open to AA children then you should not take them in.

[stevenstwin]

I think I kind of see what you are saying. Here the dominant "minority" culture is First Nations, and we are actually very, very much discouraged from adopting First Nations children if we are a different ethnic group. However, due to the dynamics of available homes, it does happen - and then we are very strongly advised to continue raising them with an awareness of their own culture. But I don't believe that means EVERYTHING about their "culture". For instance, when I fostered First Nations kids I took them to pow-wows, encouraged them to take classes in their cultural language, and taught them First Nations history and took them on trips to relevant places (like a famous buffalo jump and museum). NOW...in the town I live in, specifically, it could also be argued that current culture in that group also includes skateboarding (for the kids), bingo (For the adults) and a lot of "partying". School isn't valued. (Understand that I've worked in the community long enough to be reflecting REAL attitudes here, and I'm NOT making racist stereotypes). Would I support all that? No, of course not, but I don't think that is a betrayal of their culture, either. I don't actually know ANY African American people, but I'm thinking the same rules could apply - treasure their history, but don't feel compelled to adhere to every detail of a culture which, from your description, doesn't sound universal to ALL African Americans, anyway!

[irelady10]

Originally Posted by DreamingAzure

My mother recently had a discussion, about us fostering, with a number of her co-workers who are AA, and they all said the same thing...that not raising an AA child in "modern black culture"(hip-hop and slang/ebonics were both listed) was hateful and hurtful to the child. They also included changing 'ethnic' names as being hateful and hurtful. She called and told me I needed to make sure we didn't end up with any AA babies as she was NOT going to help raise a child in the "modern black culture"...and I can't help but agreeing...

Ummm- I don't think I understand this at all. How is raising a child without hiphop and ebonics hateful and hurtful to a child?

I'm adopting an AA child from foster care. I'm caucasian. I don't talk ebonics or listen to hiphop. I will be adding a biblical name to his somewhat ethnic name. I certainly don't think I'm being hateful or hurtful to my baby. I'm not saying that there won't be issues to address because of our transracial adoption; but, there are issues to be addressed in any adoption. If you are open-minded and willing to research transracial adoption issues, then it definitely can work without being hateful or hurtful to the child.

There's a saying: consider the source. Do you know the women who were giving this advice to your mother?

Don't worry how others will interpret the lack of the check by "black" as an acceptable race. If it doesn't work for your family, then you shouldn't check it!

[BethanyB]

First of all people think of hip hop and rap as if they are dirty words. I listen to hip hop and rap, in fact it is my favorite type of music. And I'm pretty white. That does not mean that I'm low class or ghetto, nor does it mean that I allow my three and four year old children to listen to it.

Many, many white people listen to hip hop and rap music. It's popular music now. I just hate to hear about people who don't want a black kid because they picture them walking around the house in baggy jeans saying yo, yo, yo. Hip hop has become a culture to many people, not just white people.

There are going to be black people who don't agree with transracial adoption and white people who don't agree with transracial adoption. What is important is what YOU think. The hip hop will probably come later in life when your child is a teen no matter what color they are.

As far as slang, again..all kids use slang with their friends. I have first graders in the very white, wealthy school district that I teach in saying things like "that's sweet" or "my bad."

Black people come in all shapes and sizes. You have to be comfortable in the fact that you will love your child no matter what, and not be afraid of stereotypes.

[potentialsinglemom]

Fill out your application PLEASE. The same people who running their mouths about "clinging" to their culture are surely not considering opening THEIR homes to child within their race.

[onhazier]

When I was in my PRIDE class, we talked a lot about honoring the culture of the children placed in our home. I really struggled with this when it came to AA children from the US. I totally get it when the children are from another country. However, I didn't see the issue when it came to kids from the US.

I was fortunate to have an AA couple in class with us who was very open to discussion. So, I pulled them aside in our break one evening and asked. How can I honor culture for an AA child? We talked about the music a child might listen to such as rap or hip hop. We talked about the food the child might like such as collard greens or black eye peas. We talked about hair and clothing styles. For each thing she pointed out, I was able to counter with "caucasians do that too." We realized we were talking about personal preferances and regional practices.

Really, if you think about it, is there a true difference in culture between an AA and caucasian child from the same area? I suspect the differences are minor. I also suspect people make a HUGE deal over those minor differences. We recognize the same holidays, the same diety, and originate from the same country. While the point of view on our shared history differs, I find this to be no less severe than the differences you'll find between people of different regions. Allow me to illustrate.

DH is from a state in the North East. He's what you call a Yankee. His understanding of American history is very pilgrim-centric. He argues, mostly for the point of being contentious, that this country started with the original 13 states. I'm from a state in the South West. When I was taught American history, it included a lot of information about the First Nations, the Conquistadors, and the Founding Fathers such as Jefferson and Washington. DH grew up eating lots of boiled food like corned beef and cabbage. I grew up eating fry bread, tamales and green chile. He grew up istening to Jazz and Classical. I grew up listening to everything.

We currently live in a Southern state. I now cook black eyed peas and collard greens because I like them. I don't listen to rap or hip hop because that's my personal preferance. However, as long as the music does not have explicit or foul lyrics, I really don't care what is listened to in our home. R loves the Blues and rock and roll. As far as clothing goes, a child doesn't have to wear clothing with drug or alcohol images or have their pants around their knees to look good and be accepted in their peer group.

How is it hateful or hurtful to have an AA child in a caucasian home if that home allows the child to be him or herself? Let's reverse that. How would it be hateful or hurtful to have a caucasian child in an AA home? If the child is loved and well cared for; if the child is respected as a person, how is it hateful or hurtful? If you had a little girl who preferred pants, would you force her to wear a dress? Probably not. If you had a child who disliked carrots, would you force them to eat carrots? Probably not. If the child loved mac and cheese, you'd fix it sometimes. If the child like metal instead of rap, would you let them listen to it? Or would you evaluate the music and ask the child to not listen to some of it because it was explicit or had foul language?

Think about what people are holding up as culture and seriously evaluate if that's a racial thing or is it really a regional thing? I contend it is a regional thing and not racial at all. If it was racial, then an AA child from the US would have more in common with a child from Ethiopia than they have in common with a caucasian child from the US. Having similar hair and skin does not make two people have the same culture.

[LollipopsAndGumdrops]

I agree, Onhazier. Most differences people point to are regional and class differences. A Caucasian and AA person from the same region and social class would have a shared experience, diet, etc while an AA of another region and class would have more in common with a Caucasian from his own region and class than with either of the previous.

One area I've seen argued is that a white family cannot raise a black child in black culture very easily because it is so centered around family, neighborhood, and church. The small mannerisms, biases, frames of reference and similar learned cultural aspects of life are not going to be available to the child who is raised outside of the black community (which is almost synonomous with the black church in most of the US). Thus, the child will not be accepted in white culture when on his own and can't make his way through black culture, either.

Another argument I've heard that ties in is that a white family cannot teach a black child about the racism he will encounter in his life, especially once he leaves home and is only seen as a black man. The small things like waiting longer, being suspected more quickly of wrongdoing, people more likely to avoid him at night, getting poorer service at a restaurant, and all the other ways people overtly or subconciously show their biases will be a rude awakening to him. A child in a white family is largely protected from this and doesn't notice it until out on his own and unprepared.

My argument to both is that I can't teach a child to be black anymore than I can teach a child to play a piano. That doesn't mean the child can't learn while in my care. I don't need to be my child's only source of knowledge and experience, just to recognize my child's needs and find a way to meet them.

I can teach honesty, courage, self-sacrifice, responsibility, wonder, respect, routine, sharing, working in a group, manners, honor, and all the other basics that make a boy a man. When we consider that these children do not currently have a family to provide them with the basics of life and likely never will if I don't step up to the plate and provide it, any concern over whatever privilege the child might be protected by my presence while a minor becomes a moot point to me. On the one side, we have no belonging and no guidance and statistics strongly stacked against him for stability or successful living. On the other we have family, security, love, shelter, and statistics greatly in his favor. That's what they NEED. Collard greens and rap isn't going to buy them a future, a stable and consistent family will.

The only two choices available to most AA children in foster care today are to be placed in a transracial home or to have no permanent home. There are far more AA foster children than there are AA foster homes right now. (I am one who hopes that changes, but recognizes that it doesn't do anything to help the current kids if it does.) Given the options available to these children, denying them parents who would love them and raise them to be stable and well-balanced adults is to deny them a future. How unloving and uncaring and downright horrible! I wouldn't take advice from or put any stock in what people like that have to say as they clearly do not have the child's best interests at heart.

[BethanyB]

Please remember that many AA people unofficially adopt children within their family. Many black families do not approve of placing children for adoption, and when possible will take in grandchildren, nieces, nephews and so on, so it's not like black people are not stepping up to take in their own children. They have been doing that for a long time.

I think that you can't go into transracial adoption thinking you will be colorblind. That is not what kids want. We should notice differences. Differences are what makes this world a great place. Providing a loving, nurturing home is very important but providing AA role models for children being raised in transracial homes is also important. Think about how you will do that so that your child will be able to grow up feeling like he understands that black is beautiful and to be proud of that. I believe it is important.

My son saw a black person one day (I live in an area with pretty good diversity) and he said, "Mom she's black like me." I told him that yes she was. I could tell color was starting to click with him. He then said, "People like black people mom."

[millie58]

The other ignorant thread of thinking is that Asians and Hispanics are closer to caucasian culture. Asians and Hispanics have different holidays and languages, hence different cultures. And rap and hip hop are NOT culture. Black kids should know the history-all of it. But to say CC's shouldn't adopt or foster AA kids because of culture is ridiculous.

Originally Posted by BethanyB

Please remember that many AA people unofficially adopt children within their family. Many black families do not approve of placing children for adoption, and when possible will take in grandchildren, nieces, nephews and so on, so it's not like black people are not stepping up to take in their own children. They have been doing that for a long time.

I think that you can't go into transracial adoption thinking you will be colorblind. That is not what kids want. We should notice differences. Differences are what makes this world a great place. Providing a loving, nurturing home is very important but providing AA role models for children being raised in transracial homes is also important. Think about how you will do that so that your child will be able to grow up feeling like he understands that black is beautiful and to be proud of that. I believe it is important.

My son saw a black person one day (I live in an area with pretty good diversity) and he said, "Mom she's black like me." I told him that yes she was. I could tell color was starting to click with him. He then said, "People like black people mom."

[Prettyboicris]

Originally Posted by DreamingAzure

My mother recently had a discussion, about us fostering, with a number of her co-workers who are AA, and they all said the same thing...that not raising an AA child in "modern black culture"(hip-hop and slang/ebonics were both listed) was hateful and hurtful to the child. They also included changing 'ethnic' names as being hateful and hurtful. She called and told me I needed to make sure we didn't end up with any AA babies as she was NOT going to help raise a child in the "modern black culture"...and I can't help but agreeing...

Those are all things that would be completely unacceptable in my home. None of my black friends, all of whom live in other states, wouldn't allow them either.

I sit and stare at the page of my application which asks about race and age...and I don't know what to put. Am I going to be dinged as a 'racist' if I don't check off "black" on my list of acceptable races? Or do I check it and try to explain the concerns to the SW?(we submitted with this info blank, were told we could add it after we had finished PRIDE and had a better idea of where we really stood.)

Has anyone else faced this? How did you deal with it?

I think that "modern black culture" is very vague. The black culture as far as I know seeing as how I am a black man, is about working hard and taking pride in your accomplishments and family. There are people who use that and do negative things as well as positive things. Why can't you raise an African American child to be like the President or other positive African American role models in society. Why does it automatically have to be about "ethnic" names, rap, hip hop and slang? I feel that a child can have a strong sense of pride in their history and not be a "stereotype". I think that you should do what is right for you. Technically I dont fit what many people assume to be "African American culture" because I dont particularly care for Fried chick, I dont eat odd body parts of animals such as chitlins, cow feet, pig ears, I dont like watermelon particularly I would rather a pomergranite, I like humus with pita bread. All of these things dont make me less black they make me an individual and I think that is the best thing you can teach a transracial child. How to be an individual. You can take them to museums and buy them books to teach them about history. Honestly I dont like names that are what I consider a little much such as "Alize", "shawackatima", "Henessey", "Bacardi". Honestly if a child came into my house with that name I would want to change it. If it was another name that was sort of boarderline such as "jovante", "Talicka" and other names such as that. I would find out the history behind the name if possible in that family and depending on the age of the child find out their connection to it and if anything leave that name as a middle name or just leave it all together though I'm not a fan of it, it is part of my child's history but those things like names and music are all relative and are a small part of the whole process as being with your child. I know white and Asian people with names that can be seen as stereotypically "ghetto". I'm not a big Tyra banks fan but I know she did a whole show about names, race and how people assume things about a child based on their name so I do understand that being a big thing for some people. I'm sorry if I am ranting but I say all that jumbled stuff to say I understand the concerns but In my honest opinion I think if you arent against raising an African American child. I dont.

Best of luck to you in whatever path you take.

[bethy724]

If you have no support fostering/adopting a child based on their skin color please don't do it. Your mom seems really involved in your home asking a few people at work questions based on the color of their skin - if she were genuinly interested in learning about transracial families she would ask THEM-if she doesnt' know any she would look on line as you have.

I know from living in 3 different parts of this country America is divided - not always by skin color but North/South, city/contry. I wish I could pick a AA person & raise my son "that way"-maybe I'd pick Snoop dog, Russell Simmons or Colon Powell-they all have the same color skin & very different people ( east coast/west coast, military/business/rap) I have many AA friends & they are very different-one from LA, one from NYC, I can't say I can pick out one cultural trait - more like family traditions.

My son is MY family-his bio family is a bunch of criminals - we can love his skin color, heritage but look to MLK or even Obama for inspiration-we BOTH can becasue those 2 men inspire me - a CC single mom.

[fredalina]

i do think that transracial fostering and adoption should not be taken lightly, so i think it's good to think things through. This was something i hadn't done when i started the process but have now. My answer hasn't changed at all, but someone else's might.

i think raising a strong black man or woman is probably more difficult than most people realize, and it's something that many AA parents put a lot of conscious thought and effort into. i don't think CC parents should put any less conscious thought or effort into it, but i don't think it's something CC parents are unable to do.

One thing that has been brought up is that if we adopt an AA child, we will no longer be a "caucasian family". Which is ironic, because we do not think of ourselves as a "caucasian family". We are just a family. i am a woman, not a "white woman". But for many AA's, they are a "black man" before they are a "man". It's very much a part of who they are on every level. At any rate, you will no longer be looked at as a CC family. You'll now be an AA family or a family that doesn't fit into a category. You will receive looks when you're out in public. You'll probably receive comments when you're out with the kids and your husband is at work/home/elsewhere like "What country is your husband from?" And while you may like the idea of being able to pave the way and make a difference, sometimes you just want to go out and buy milk without being stared at and without having to answer questions. In some ways the *act* of being in a transracial family is probably harder on the kids than the fact that they're raised in another culture. Does that make sense? AA kids with AA parents/foster parents don't have strangers asking if they can touch their hair as much as AA kids with CC parents/foster parents.

Another thing is kids will be ridiculed for being part of a transracial family. Kids will be ridiculed period, for something, so it's not like that's the worst thing they could be ridiculed for. But it's a fact; they will. i know an AA woman with an AA son who divorced her son's father and married a CC man, and the son in jr. high caught all kinds of flack for it. Even innuendos about what that white man wanted with him (when stepdad would pick him up from school and stuff). It's not easy on the kids, that's for sure.

i think all kids (teens mostly) go through an identity crisis in adolescents. i have never been AA (having a great-grandparent who was AA doesn't count lol) so i don't know for sure, but perhaps AA youth have a harder time with this because of cultural issues. AA youth in transracial homes probably have the hardest time of all, because they may want to leave their parents' culture behind in order to "find themselves", but risk upsetting their parents. i can imagine wanting to set off and learn what it means to be a young black woman, but being afraid that it would hurt my parents if i did.

Just some things to consider. All in all, i am willing to forego being a "caucasian family" and to make some changes to my lifestyle to be sure my kids get exposed to their culture and have positive role models. But others may not be willing once they think about it.

As far as "modern black culture" of hip hop and baggy pants, i don't see this as an issue for me at all. i will respect my kids' personal taste and it has nothing to do with musical style. Shoot, even if they liked *gag* Britney Spears *gag*, it wouldn't make me not love them. Thank goodness because if that's all it took, my country-loving parents would have stopped loving my punk-rock-listening self 20 years ago! i figure i'll work something out where the kids pick the radio station half the time and i pick the other half, at least when they're school age. They can keep their cd's as long as they are age-appropriate, and buy new ones with their allowance. THAT aspect of it doesn't concern me in the least.

[DannieAS]

It also depends on where you live as well. If I were right now going to the grocery store with a AA or bi-racial child, no one would even look at me funny. In my city, there are many, and I do mean many mixed marriages between CC/AA AA/Hispanic etc....so I would just be one of the crowd...I have two seperate neighbors that married AA/CC.

Now I am a single light skinned hispanic and will be adopting as as one and yes my support system is my family...and because of that, I will consider their preferences as well and I don't feel bad, because our family is very close and I will NOT have anything come between a child and his/her future grandparents...they will happily accept most races and bi-racial children but still have issues with full AA children. I don't judge them, and it doesn't make sense to me, but when I talk with my SW about placements I will take this into consideration.

I'm fortunate that I'm hoping for a hispanic child and I live in a county that their highest placements are hispanic children....so we'll see.

Also one PP said that hispanics and asians are as intricate as AA children and I have to agree. Not all hispanics are the same. I know this because I've had to live this my whole life. I'm cuban...and because I"m lightskinned people think I'm adopted or want to know why I have a hispanic last name. When they find out I'm full hispanic, they want to know about cinco de Mayo....and I have to explain that this is a mexican holiday not a cuban one....so please also note that one can't be ignorant or at least that one really has to read up on and get to know the particular child that you are wanting to have in your home.

[BethanyB]

So what is the difference for your parents between a biracial child and an AA child? Skin color? Hair texture? You do know that skin color and hair texture vary. There are some very brown biracial children and some very light "full" AA children. I would think it would be very sad if your biracial child was darker than you thought and more "AA looking" and your mother was upset about it.

The most important thing in this equation is the child. Not family but the child. If I knew that I could not walk away from family that would not accept a full AA child, I would not adopt a biracial child. It makes me so sad that people will accept any race but full AA. Half is acceptable but not full?

My children are full and they are the most gorgeous children I have ever seen. It's so sad that people feel that way.