[dings35]

Hello,

My dh and I have been considering adoption for a couple years and are ready to move forward. We have met with a local Foster Care agency in the area and should have clarified this with her, but I will ask you all now.

Is it true that after a foster-to-adopt child is finally placed with us, that even though they are now in our home, we are all still in "supervisory" mode for 6 to 12 months? In other words, is it not possible for the adoption to be finalized (like in overseas adoptions) *before* the child lives with you from the foster care system?

If not, if we need to be in this "supervisory" mode for 6 to 12 months, are we allowed to discipline freely, in the way we see the child needs? We have 3 biological children, 2 of whom respond best to spankings (although they are infrequent) and one that changes behaviors without spankings.

If you all could share on these questions, I would appreciate it! Thanks much!

Deb

[DianeS]

It is absolutely true that the child will still be supervised by the state for at least 6 months (often much longer) before the adoption can be completed. The state wants to make sure this is the right placement for the child before allowing it to become permanent. Plus, if the rights of the child's parents have not yet been terminated, the child will still be a foster child and in the care of the state until that happens, and many things can delay that.

And spanking or otherwise physically disciplining a foster child is completely forbidden. No spanking. No slapping the hand. Nothing. No matter what. No exceptions.

There are a LOT of restrictions about discipline. In most states, foster children can not even be sent to sit in the corner. In most states, foster children can not have food used for discipline (no "you must eat one bite before you get down" or no "you must eat veggies to get dessert). Those are just two examples.

Discipline is a VERY big deal to the state. You will definately want to ask very specific questions before proceeding.

[fredalina]

There is a general rule against corporal punishment in any foster situation. It would be wrong to agree to the rules knowing that as soon as the adoption is final, you're going to start spanking. Hopefully that's not what you're implying, but there are many good reasons why corporal punishment is bad for foster kids. i'm not going to say corporal punishment is "wrong" for all kids, but it is generally "wrong" for kids in the system who have lived with abuse and neglect. If for no other reason than many of these kids have been physically hurt so much that they've learned to turn off, making phyiscal discipline ineffective. The last thing you want when punishing a child is for them to laugh at you and say "Is that the best you can do?" There are many, many cases of well-meaning foster parents spanking their foster kids and it escalating to all out abuse. The president of a local foster parent support group was even prosecuted for beating his foster kids with a table leg! It's just a bad idea!

As far as the supervisory period, the period varies by state, but generally the child will be in your home for 6-12 months before you can apply to adopt. This period is considered a foster period and is supervised by the state. There may be post-adoption visits as well. And there may be contracts stating that you won't use corporal punishment and violating it could cause you to lose the child.

If you honestly believe that you cannot discipline using means other than spanking, perhaps foster-to-adopt isn't for you. If you're open to the realization that it's not an option for foster-to-adopt and that you'll have to employ other means of discipline, even if you choose to use spankings for your biological children, then by all means continue. But continue in the assumption that spanking is not going to be in your disciplinary toolbox for this particular child.

[dings35]

Thank you so much for such quick and honest responses. This is the information I do not believe I heard the case worker directly address, at least not about the 6-12 months "supervision" time.

I do understand why corporal punishment would be devastating to the physically abused child - how horrific. But I don't think making a "blanket" rule for all foster children is the solution. But the alternative means lots more work and paperwork by case workers I suppose. It's just easier to make it apply to all.

Isn't it so interesting that foreign countries let you adopt before you've even held the child in your arms, yet in the U.S. you must be supervised for a year or longer before an adoption (through foster care anyway) can be final? I'm not saying I have the solutions by any means. My heart breaks for these children no matter what their situation or country of origin.

Thank you again for your quick and honest replies. What a great group of families here!

Deb

[CaddoRose]

Once you are familiar with the kids in the foster system, I think you will understand more clearly how any kind physical punishment can be so detrimental to them. I am not against corporal punishment, but for foster children I am. They come from homes that are so dysfunctional, that they need a different kind of behavior modification and not just for the kids who have been physically abused. Emotional abuse and neglect do terrible things to kids and physical punishment means nothing to them.

I would highly suggest you read the books "1,2,3 Magic" and "Love and Logic". Both of these books will show you other ways to get a child to change a behavior without spanking and at the same time teach the child about consequences. Depending on the age of the child I have used sticker charts and time outs without any problem and this with kids who had never had any kind of discipline ever.

[shycar]

Isn't it so interesting that foreign countries let you adopt before you've even held the child in your arms, yet in the U.S. you must be supervised for a year or longer before an adoption (through foster care anyway) can be final?

There a few reasons for this. Not all fost/adopt are legally free for adoption. Some fost/adopt are close to TPR (termination of parental rights). Some are placed in a fost/adopt home becouse there is a higher chance of the child going for adoption then ru (reunification) with family. That was the case with our fs. His tpr is in two days. He was placed with us at 4 months old as fost/adopt and is now 10 months old. Some are going through appeal process (bparents are fighting the tpr). Most appeal dont go through, but it takes awhile and many times the kids are moved to a fost/adopt home while the appeal process. My ds took 2 year of appeal process it took a total of 3 1/2 year to adopt him. Unless tpr occured there could be visits with bparents and family member. Unless you ask specifically for legally free children (most are older kids) the children can be ru with bfamily. Younger children are usually, not always, placed in a fost/adopt home before tpr occure.

Other reason is like other said they want to make sure that this is a good fit. Im so glad for that. Children from foster care are not like other kids. Even at very young age many have lots of problems. My fd is 19 months old and she already has behavior, anger and aggression problems. Many kids can go through a 3 month honeymoon period. You will never see the true child until 3 months down. Sometimes sw will not tell you the full truth on a child or keep things so you will take a child. I had a girl that was placed with me from another foster home. According to sw the other foster mom had er and needed child moved asap. What she forgot to tell me was that the er was this child sexually acted out on her younger child. She also forgot to tell me she sexually acted out on her younger sib and was seperated from him to keep him safe. When she sexually acted out on our much younger fs, we called the sw and she said she "forgot" to tell me that part. The child was moved the next day due to safty reasons. Some children do better in a home and not so good in another home. So a child doing wonderful at one foster home, might not do well in another home and vise versa. This time frames gives everyone a chance to live as a family and make sure that this is a good match for everyone, especially for the child.

[laceyc]

We are just beginning the process of applying for our license so we are talking to lots of people and doing lots of research. One of the people we have spoken with said their biological children had difficulty accepting that they were forced to do certain things but the foster kids were not. We have a 2 y/o BD and I have been thinking it will be important to find a way to discipline them alike or at least as close to alike as possible.

[fredalina]

The supervisory period is such a blessing for these children and their adoptive parents. As a pp said, there is usually a honeymoon period of a week to several months in which you really don't know the real child. Many, even young toddlers, have serious behavior issues they've learned for a variety of reasons.

The biggest reason of all, though, is for the children. It's yet one more way to try to ensure the kids stay safe. Heaven forbid they be adopted by an abusive family and there's no supervision to at least provide *some* buffer that it will be discovered. And, let's face it, what these kids need most, after physical safety, is permanency. They need their adoptive home to be their *forever* home. How devastating would it be to a child psychologically to go from relative to relative, then from foster home to foster home, then be told they are being adopted by a permanent family, then be ripped away from them and put back in foster care?!?!?! All because there was no state supervisory period to ensure this is, indeed, a good match.

As for spanking, there are many ways to discipline without spanking, and there are many reasons this is particularly important for kids from the system. It's much more important that your future adoptive child not be spanked than that your bio kids feel some type of resentment that they were spanked and the adoptive child wasn't. Especially when you have the option of adapting your parenting technique for the bio kids as well.

[laceyc]

That's what I meant...I want to be able to enforce discipline that is appropriate and fair. I'm terrible at spanking anyway...my BD responds just as well or better to time out anyway and by time out I mean 1-2 minutes on the cough with no tv and no toys. I also found with her that to take her away from the temptation is a great motivator. For example...she loves to go outside. When was just between 12 and 15 months we would go outside and she would always head for the road. I would take her back to the porch and tell her no. I am a 3 chance woman. The third time she disobeyed we went in the house. She quickly learned that if she wanted to go outside she had to stay away from the road and obey. I guess what I am thinking is keeping chores age appropriate and equal...cleaning the kids own room or helping fold clothes. Does that make sense?