[longingforadaughter]

Hi,

Just wanted to say hello. My DH and I are not new to the domestic adoption scene as we have been waiting for almost 2 years to privately adopt.

Over the last 2 months we have really been considering doing foster to adopt. My cousin adopted her oldest daughter from foster care and it was such a trying emotional process that we swore we didn't want to go thru that again.

However, time is not on our side as we are in our early 40s and not prime birth mother material as we already have 2 bio sons and not alot of money to handle the costs.

Point of this post is I work in a field where I see some of the results of children that are in homes where CPS has become involved and my heart breaks time and again for these children. We want so much for a child and to be able to be parents again but we really feel drawn to this area. I know we are going to experience the heart break I wanted to avoid but maybe we will be able to make some kind of difference in the life of a child or children.

I hope this doesn't sound like we are selfish or self centered because we really want a child but at the same time I feel like we need to be doing more to make a difference.

Any comments, good or bad, would be appreciated.

Thanks!
Debbie

[mommy2fiveplus]

It can be difficult, but sometimes it can be easy, it depends on your expectations.

Are you looking to foster/adopt or adopt only?
Are you willing to take legal risk placements?
Are you only open to infants?

Those are questions that will determine your level of stress as well as you level of sucess in the foster/adopt world.

We are in this sytem to foster, that being said, because our expectations for adoption were low, we were pleasantly suprised at how easy our last case went from baby pick up from hospital (age 2 days) to TPR complete and Adoption finalized by age 8mos.

We have also had much frustration and heartbreak with other cases.

[fredalina]

i have learned to look at fostering as helping a family more than helping a child (or myself lol). i firmly believe that the best thing for children removed from their parents' homes is for the parents to get their lives together and be able to care for the children. In so much as we're giving the kids a safe place to stay until that happens, we are helping the family as much or more than the individual child. My DH and i are not yet approved, but i can already tell in reading the threads here that this will be beneficial to us.

Obviously there will be pain every time a child is removed, especially when our opinion is that the birth family *doesn't* have it together again and the RU attempt may fail. That may cause us to burn out, who knows. And of course the red tape is and will continue to be very frustrating. But we are going into foster and adoption not with the intent that the first child to enter our home will be adopted by us and that we'll be disappointed if that doesn't happen, but that we want whatever is best, hopefully for their parents to get it together on the very first attempt and have a fairy tale ending . If not, we'd love to adopt and build our family that way.

[Emmesmom]

Longingforadaughter, I can relate. I am 51, single and in the foster to adopt program. I had a baby for 6 months and it was difficult but we both benefited from the experience. I was devastated when she was reunited, but I know her mom loves her and that is where she was meant to be. I too work in the field and see the trauma that impacts these kids. Flash forward to today, and I get a call that a 6 year old may come to me on Monday. I am scared and excited at the same time. She has seen far to much for a 6 year old girl and takes medication for ADHD. I'm worried that I might not be prepared to support her needs, yet feel excited that I might be able to make a difference. I need some information on how to help her adjust next week if she is upset that she had to be placed. She is with her step mom, who is divorcing her BF who is in jail and who is relocating to NY and not taking her with her. This poor littile girl. Any help from those who have done this is appreciated.

[Tuppy]

I think the world of adoption, no matter which route you take, can be full of drama and heartache. We've adopted twice internationally and had more than one failed adoption before we brought home the kids (from the country) that I am absolutely sure God had intended for us all along.

Did the failed adoptions hurt? You bet they did. Am I glad that things turned out the way they did? yes!

I'll be 50 in two years and my DH is going on 54 and we are adopting our three foster kids who are 2,3, and 4.

It was a definite roller coaster ride-but ended up being much easier than we imagined. However, the ink isn't dry on the dotted line and we know how things go, so we're sort of holding our breath until we have a finalization date.

What I can say, without a doubt, is that we have made a difference in the lives of these three little ones. And should, God forbid, anything happen that would prevent them from becoming legal members of our family, we can hold our heads high knowing we have done something significant for three little babies.

It has been the best thing in the world for our three older kids, learning that giving to others with no guarantee that there will be something "in it" for us-what a great lesson to learn at a young age.

There are so many little ones who need to feel special and loved.

Deb

[Emmesmom]

Tuppy (Deb)-thanks so much for your post. Just reading helped reduce my anxiety about tomorrow and make me realize that the true need here is to help her feel loved and safe tomorrow as she goes through this major change in her life. I tend to think down the road to much and "what if". Your post helped me get back to one day at a time and focusing on making a difference in her life now, no matter what happens in the future. Thanks so much.

[CladdaghGal]

I can relate to your post. My DH and I are also in our early 40's, have two bio sons and I would really like to have a daughter too. How old are your sons? Mine are 7 1/2 and 4 (5 in a couple of months). I really wanted to adopt straight out but my DH has been saying "foster adopt" every since I expressed a desire for a third child. We can't really afford all the money for adoption (at least, I don't want to go into debt for all the adoption fees anyway) although we can provide for another child. I can't get pregnant any more but don't feel my family is complete. I am nervous too, but I feel driven towards this even with the risks. PM me if you like, we seem to be in the same boat!

[longingforadaughter]

Thanks everyone for your comments, insight, and support!

Our bio sons are almost 20 and 17. We too don't feel our family is complete. We really want a daughter but wouldn't be opposed to a daughter and another son!

Today as my DH and I went out to run errands we noticed all the little ones around us and it made us smile. We enjoy our time together but we really enjoy parenting. Our sons still spend time with us, heck, they hardly leave the house; if anything their friends come to our house because we treat everyone like their our own.
Our neices are truly spoiled because their the closest thing to having our own children.

I phoned the R&C office and left a message that we would like to sign up for MAPP classes, particularly the first class of the year. I know everyone is out for the holiday so I'll call back after the first of the year to make sure we get signed up. We are so excited.

Looking forward to getting to know everyone better!

Debbie

[crystalp]

That's great Debbie! I remember you from the other board on the waiting to be matched thread. We have a waiting to be matched thread on the "what's it like" board, too. Everyone on there is great, and there are some (like me) on both of the waiting to be matched threads, so you would probably recognize some people. Welcome!!

[longingforadaughter]

...just finished putting our Christmas stuff away, sat down on the couch for a breather. Our phone rings, I never answer it because it's never for me, always our sons. Of course my oldest DS answers it. I hear feet prodding up the steps...

"Hey Mom, someone from A. L. is on the phone for you." I take the phone, "Hello?"

Long story short, we are going to be presented for a 2 y.o. AA girl on Thursday, yes, New Years Day!!

Please wish us luck.

Debbie and Jim