[dragonaries]

Today while viewing a house I'm buying I said the third room was for a kid I wanted to adopt. My stepmother then says I'm being selfish. I expected that from her. But what I didn't expect was her to say: You're not a mother.

She's known me since I was 10 (so 17 yrs now). She's seen me only around mostly 2 kids, her grandsons since she does kinship care to them. I usually play with them more as a kid than on adult level. So I'm always told to behave along with the other kids.

But being told I'm not a mother type hurt more than I realized.

Has anyone else dealt with this before from family?

I'm positive of my desire and ability to be a mother. My mom supports my decision. My dad just said that kids are expensive and take a lot of time and I should wait. I am only 27, so I understand his point of view.

[Howdy]

In what way does she think you are not a mother type? Are you very neat and particular about messes? Are you inhibited and cold around kids?

Before I became a fost-adopt parent I was very stiff and awkward with children. I was the youngest in my family and had virtually no experience with little ones.

When I started the process to become a foster parent, my nephew asked me what kind of mother could I be when I wouldn't hug anyone, and he started hugging me every time he saw me to force me to get used to it!

But I didn't have any trouble at all warming up to the children who were placed with me, they were so needy, plus they were 'mine' so I wasn't so inhibited.

Other family members were supportive, but from various positive comments they made in surprised tones after I started having placements, I realized they had not expected me to be much of a mother.

[dragonaries]

I don't know why she doesn't think so. But I'll assume because I can be selfish at times. I'm an only child of my mom's so I was spoiled. I have the "only child syndrome". I am good with kids, I just prefer older 4+ rather than toddlers and such.

I'm not cold with kids. I'm not a neat freak or worried about messes. I dislike slobber, but that's more natural to a baby - which I'm not adopting.

My mother is disabled in wheelchair. She needs help with daily functions. There are certain aspects I can't do, but we have a personal caregiver to come in and help with that. I chose to be her daughter only and not daughter/caregiver. My mom understands this, she was in the same position with her mother and did the same. I'll help her with other functions, getting into bed or getting out of bed. Just not the bathroom functions - caregiver does that.

Around my friends kids (even babies) I love to hold and cuddle with them. I just hate the diaper/slobber part. Perhaps when I'm older, I'll want the baby but I'm not at that stage in my life. I want to adopt a school-age child.

I even have my grandmother's support in adopting. Though she does think I'm a few years off in adopting. I figure one shock at a time (buying a house first).

[JPDakota]

My sister-in-law said the same thing to me. Actually, she said "Oh, you should never be a Mother!" when we called about our newborn DD. I told her to go soak her head.

[Boulderbabe]

Honestly. What is it with people? You won't believe what I heard from my family before I did this. "Get a dog." "What? You're too fat to be a parent!" "You need a kid like you need a hole in the head." My mother threw a big baby shower for my SIL, who was pregnant. Imagine her friends' surprise when they came to the party, and there I was with a new baby. My mom never even told them that I had a baby placed with me for fost/adopt.

But here's the weird part: fast forward two years, and if you reminded any of the people who said those awful things about them, they would be HORRIFIED. My stepdad, who told me to get a dog? My son is the light of his life, the best thing that ever happened to him. I think he loves his little grandson more than he loves all the rest of humanity put together. :-) My mom? Just sent him about nine new toys. She wanted to make sure he had something to play with before we moved. She likes to Skype him every day just to be amazed at how fast he grows. My dad, who told me I needed a kid like a hole in the head? Was here last week for Thanksgiving, and said, "You're such a wonderful mom" to me, as he and my son were on their way out to the Planetarium.

So blow whatever they're saying off. They don't know what they're talking about. When you have a real live kid around, they're all going to be so head over heels they won't even remember all the baloney they once said.

[Boulderbabe]

PS: Dragonaries, if you're going to adopt a school ager, you're probably going to get a kid who has experience a lot more abuse and upheaval than a younger kid. Make sure you know what you're getting in to, and that you're prepared for it. Have you read _Parenting the Hurt Child_, by Keck and Kupecky? It's the bible.

[potentialsinglemom]

Originally Posted by dragonaries

Today while viewing a house I'm buying I said the third room was for a kid I wanted to adopt. My stepmother then says I'm being selfish. I expected that from her. But what I didn't expect was her to say: You're not a mother.

How is looking for a house for a with a third room for your future child being selfish.

I started a thread a couple of months ago that will let you know you are not alone.

What is the worse thing anyone has said to you...

[JustPeachy]

Your step mom was out of line, and I cannot believe she would say such a thing to you! You seem to be very clear on your plans to adopt, what age group you are drawn to, etc. It's obvious you have been thinking this through and know your own mind. And FWIW, a lot of the women in my family were not huggy/kissy types, or overly demonstrative/exhuberant around children. But we still felt loved by them as kids. My one aunt, who was my godmother and with whom I was extremely close, never hugged or kissed me, and never even told me she loved me. But she didn't have to. I knew she did. She showed her love in so many other ways, especially in spending time with me and being there for me emotionally. There are many ways to mother, and just because you may not be the "baby type" or are not so physically demonstrative, does not mean you won't be a good mom.

[lisa138]

I Was 19 When I Had My First(son) And 26 When I Had My Second(daughter). I Give You Respect That You Are Wanting To Adopt,every Woman Has Mom In Her,it's Up To You To Find It.
Good Luck And Love Them Like Your Own.

From An Adopted Girl.

[dakotabluebaby]

Yeah I got one of those two...do we have the same step-mom?

When my sister had her baby my stepmom said to me "This child is going to be so loved and wanted..." then as an after thought, "not that your kids won't be but this is the 1st!"

This carries a lot more meaning than it sounds.

I still have trouble not being hurt by her, but I didn't chose her to be in my life. I am choosing these children and that will be my response next time she starts up again.

And buying a house with three bedrooms just makes good Realtor sense for resale,

[jbee]

ummm...i am 28, have 2bios, 1 ad, and three more fosters. i don't think you are too young. dh bought his first house at 20. you will be fine.
and yes, they do say a 3 bed will sell better than a two at resale.
what if you were getting married or whatever and having your own bio kid for the third bedroom? it is different because you want to adopt and not have a bio?

[Mom2blessings]

Originally Posted by dragonaries

Today while viewing a house I'm buying I said the third room was for a kid I wanted to adopt. My stepmother then says I'm being selfish. I expected that from her. But what I didn't expect was her to say: You're not a mother.

She's known me since I was 10 (so 17 yrs now). She's seen me only around mostly 2 kids, her grandsons since she does kinship care to them. I usually play with them more as a kid than on adult level. So I'm always told to behave along with the other kids.

But being told I'm not a mother type hurt more than I realized.

Has anyone else dealt with this before from family?

I'm positive of my desire and ability to be a mother. My mom supports my decision. My dad just said that kids are expensive and take a lot of time and I should wait. I am only 27, so I understand his point of view.

Selfish for wanting to give a child in need a home? Very strange comment on her behalf....