[jarian]

I'm trying not to get discouraged because I read stories that say the opposite, but...

Last night DH & I attended our 8th class out of 12. We are sooooo close. So anyways, DH was telling everyone how much stuff I have gone and bought. Our PATH trainer came by and asked what I've bought. So I started naming all of the baby stuff and she said "Why are you buying baby stuff, chances are, you'll never get a baby. Remember at the first class, we said 9 and older is what you'll usually get?" So then I replied that she said 9 and older if we want to do straight adopt, so we have decided to just do foster care until we are able to adopt a child 4 or younger. Basically, in so many words, she made us feel like we were wasting our time. I was speakiing with one of the other mothers in training and I said "So I guess younger kids aren't removed, just older ones." We are only 26, so I figure as we get older, we'll increase the age of the children we plan to foster. I don't understand why they are discouraging infant/toddler foster or adoption. I just don't believe that younger children don't exist. I actually went home last night thinking I'll be giving away all of the baby stuff that I have gone and purchased because we'll never have a baby in our home. Any good stories would be great. Do you think that maybe because she is just a trainer and teaches from the book that she just can't relate. Maybe I should call our social worker and talk to her. Our social worker has only been in two of our training classes, so I rarely see or get to talk to her. Our trainer has no children and I'm assuming she never will because she doesn't act like she wants any, no partner, and she is strictly by-the-book. Maybe she doesn't care. I would hate to think that the PATH trainers don't care, but maybe she can't relate to the desire to have children and that we want to pursue this no matter what. When DH said "my wife and I will always hope that the children are reunified with their birthparents, but in the chance that they are not, we will pursue adoption." She just kind of gave us a "whatever" look and walked off. Suffice it to say, I felt heartbroken in class last night. Sorry to keep rambling, but I'm sure I'll get some support here.

[sethsmommy]

Sounds like a bitter woman to me. While it is very very true that RU is the goal, there are many children that end up being adopted. I wouldn't let her be a kill-joy....Foster/adopt is a gamble--risky business---but it can work out!

[startedover]

I am from tn. I don't know what area you are in, but I can tell you what I discovered in our area. First, I adopted privately but was considering fostering to adopt and talked to a very NICE lady in our area. She informed me that NOONE in my county was licensed to take a infant, therefore they usually get placed in other counties. she told me 4 infants were placed the month before we adopted. She stated that 80 percent of infants get adopted. Now there was another lady that informed me that infants were not placed often unless you will take a sibling group. Within a month of her telling me, my friend (the first to agree on infant placement) took a baby in. That was about 9 months ago. Everyone I know that has fostered to adopt have younger children. I did know one that took a sibiling group of 4 6 and 10. Good LUck and pm me if you want any more info on what I know about the surrounding areas.

[mommytoEli]

i am in the class in lewis county. and like your trainer....my trainer keeps saying the kids are older. they make it sound like babies are not in care. which is crazy sounding. last weekend we had a panel of dpss workers.....i went up to one afterwards and began asking a billion questions about babies.....just in case we want to foster after baby a's adoption is over. the worker told me that one of the biggest reasons little ones would be removed is drug exposure, but that drug exposure is not an automatic removal...in many of hte cases the baby remains with the parents and the parents aare monitored. she also said that in tn there tends to be ALOT of family involvement, and so when babies do NEED care, aunts and grandmas, etc, step up and take the little kids in. she said this, coupled with the fact that alot of older kids and teens are in care because the parents couldn't handle them, means the majority of kids in care ARE in fact older. so i asked her, "does that mean that it is rare for little kids to be in care." she said no, just LESS likely.....so then i asked her what happend to those little kids, and she said she guessed about half of them went on to be adopted, and 90% of those little kids that needed to be adopted, were adopted by their foster parents. honestly, hearing it from her, i felt like i understood the situation a little bit better. i think the trainers are out of the loop, and honestly, just want to prepare you for the possibility of not getting a little child, because statistically most of the kids ARE older. from what i understood, you state the preference you want, and that is what they will call you for. i wouldn't give up. it sounds like there ARE in fact little kids and babies in need of both temporary and permanent homes. oh....and when i asked her about babies, i specifically asked about drug babies (only because that is where the bulk of my experience lies), and she said that of the babies that are removed at birth due to prenatal drug exposure, the bulk of those is in davidson county. so.....don't let your trainer discourage you. just push on and hang in there for now and see what happens. you are so close to the end!

[chinadoll25]

Like you I'am 26 and a african america foster parent, but single. I was licensed in May of this year and did a respite before I was called for my first placement. He was born on May 24 and exactly a week later I got the call for him, he was born addicted to cocaine and had 2 siblings that are also in fostercare but with their grandfather and he didnt want the baby, the case was already set for tpr in october, thats when some crazy judge felt the mom needed one more chance to get her act together so thats where we are now. He ordered that she had 1 hour supervised visits with the baby and after two visits her extended it to 4 hours unsupervised visits!! The caseworkers were livid! Well after her first unsupervised visit, the grandfather told the social worker the mom and came over his house and left with some old friend and hadnt been seen since, so the put a stop to the 4 hours visits, now she's back at the agency for a hour and she has to do drug testing before every visit. But had everything went well I would had adopted my baby by christmas and he would'nt have to endure this roller coaster!But like everyone said the goal is for ru, so thats where we are now. About a month after I recieved him I got a call for a 1 year old little girl, who was already in another foster home but the foster mom was moving out of town and the little girl was in the process of being adopted by someone who was not a foster parent, I kept her for 3 months untill she moved to her adoptive home, it was kind of hard letting her go but I still get to see her now And then about 3 weeks ago I recieved a call for a 3 month baby girl, the intake worker said she knew I already had a infant but they really need a placement for her, so I said yes. Her mom had been taken to jail that day. I kept her as long as I could but, my little boy did not want to share the attention! He would scream everytime I held her and they both were SPOILED. It became to hard for me so I had to ask for a replacement for her, but I felt so bad!! Her mom was sentenced to a year in jail and then a half way house and the mom said she had no relatives so I really felt bad.

[jarian]

MommytoEli~ I love your avatar. I am in Davidson County, and I'm willing to take a drug exposed child, so I will definitely keep that in mind and let our cw know.
I do know that typically most babies go to family or adpted by their foster families, which is why I'm hoping to be the foster family that receives an infant/toddler and can adopt them. I do believe with all of my heart that this journey will be an emotional one, but I would rather to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. Sometimes I cringe to say that I hope God blesses us with children to adopt through the foster care system because where I find love, a bmother has lost love, but I really hope this journey ends well for us. We will continue our classes because we have come too far to turn back now. I'm just hoping that our PATH trainer doesn't report to our cw that she thinks we won't be good foster parents because our goal is getting an infant or toddler and we will pursue adoption. I'm really trying to get her to see that we will push reuninfication, but if all else fails, we would love to adopt. Thanks to everyone else for all of your responses.

[makarios79]

They told us the same exact thing in MAPP classes here in Florida....

But I talk to the teachers and speakers afterwards and they told me they HAVE to say that because here in Florida people were signing up to foster only to adopt and WOULD NOT take in any kids who were not expected to be TPR...

But the woman who taught the class told me out of her own mouth..I am not suppose to tell you this BUT the only way you will get younger kids is to foster. some kids will go home, but eventually you will adopt.

Originally Posted by jarian

I'm trying not to get discouraged because I read stories that say the opposite, but...

Last night DH & I attended our 8th class out of 12. We are sooooo close. So anyways, DH was telling everyone how much stuff I have gone and bought. Our PATH trainer came by and asked what I've bought. So I started naming all of the baby stuff and she said "Why are you buying baby stuff, chances are, you'll never get a baby. Remember at the first class, we said 9 and older is what you'll usually get?" So then I replied that she said 9 and older if we want to do straight adopt, so we have decided to just do foster care until we are able to adopt a child 4 or younger. Basically, in so many words, she made us feel like we were wasting our time. I was speakiing with one of the other mothers in training and I said "So I guess younger kids aren't removed, just older ones." We are only 26, so I figure as we get older, we'll increase the age of the children we plan to foster. I don't understand why they are discouraging infant/toddler foster or adoption. I just don't believe that younger children don't exist. I actually went home last night thinking I'll be giving away all of the baby stuff that I have gone and purchased because we'll never have a baby in our home. Any good stories would be great. Do you think that maybe because she is just a trainer and teaches from the book that she just can't relate. Maybe I should call our social worker and talk to her. Our social worker has only been in two of our training classes, so I rarely see or get to talk to her. Our trainer has no children and I'm assuming she never will because she doesn't act like she wants any, no partner, and she is strictly by-the-book. Maybe she doesn't care. I would hate to think that the PATH trainers don't care, but maybe she can't relate to the desire to have children and that we want to pursue this no matter what. When DH said "my wife and I will always hope that the children are reunified with their birthparents, but in the chance that they are not, we will pursue adoption." She just kind of gave us a "whatever" look and walked off. Suffice it to say, I felt heartbroken in class last night. Sorry to keep rambling, but I'm sure I'll get some support here.

[CaddoRose]

Most trainers say the same thing for a few reasons. First, they want to discourage people who are only interested in adopting a baby, so that when a baby is placed and they end up adopting, they also quit fostering. Second, a lot of babies/younger children end up being placed with relatives and don't become available for adoption. Third, lots of kids in care come as sibling groups and it is harder to find homes to take them.

With that said, abuse/neglect knows no age limit and therefore all ages can be taken into care. The younger the child, the better the chance that a family member/relative will come forward to take them at some point. The need for homes for older children is so great.

Don't let her dissuade you from fostering. You know what your age limit is and stick to it. My first call was a baby boy 1 yr old, my second was a sib group of 5 and 1 yr and the next call was my present placement of a 2.5 yr old and a 1 yr old. My age limit is birth to 11 yr old! Yesterday I got a possible adoptive 1 yr old coming free in Feb. that will need an adoptive home.

It may take longer to end up with a young child that comes free for adoption than if you were to take on an older child. I completely understand your choice on the ages. As we get older and our DD ages, we will raise our age limit too. We don't want a child her age or older. When DD hits college, we will probably take on teens because that is the age group we feel we can really help and we want sibs too.

It sounds to me like you know what you are capable of handling and know what you want and you will make a great foster parent.

[waited2long]

They said the same things in my Fost/Adopt classes. I believe it is because it's more difficult to find Foster/Adopt homes for children over 5, so they are hoping to get the newbies thinking of older children early in the process. I think the way they go about it usually backfires, where potential Fost/Adopt parents quit and it's sad that that happens.

I talked to some CWs, who said that nowadays, with most two parent households, both parents work... And the CWs would rather have infants/toddlers in homes with a stay at home parent, rather than where they would need to be in daycare. So, if you can be a stay at home parent, that should put you higher on the list for infants and toddlers.

I've recently heard that the demand for Foster homes is growing due to the recession. As money becomes tighter, families get more stressed and violence and drug use gets worse. Also, existing Foster homes close up because they can no longer afford to Foster when their income goes down.

Don't let them turn you from your dreams. Though your ultimate goal is adoption, the help you can bring to other little ones until that happens is very important and very much needed!

[mommytoEli]

Originally Posted by waited2long

And the CWs would rather have infants/toddlers in homes with a stay at home parent, rather than where they would need to be in daycare. So, if you can be a stay at home parent, that should put you higher on the list for infants and toddlers.

i agree with that, too. i forgot that when i was talking to the social worker about babies , i asked what the family size limit was...because adopting baby a means we have 5 children....but we want to foster, and hopefully adopt one more baby. she said 6...but they usually have to write an exception for it to go even this high, they prefer smaller families, but she asked me, "you stay home, right?" yes...actually, and she said then it would most likely "not be a problem." so...it sounded that way to me too. i guess with many families wanting to foster babies, and less babies, they get to be picky.

[potentialsinglemom]

Jarian,

They said the same thing in my classes...but I have met too many people who received their babies as newborns. Are you willing to to take an infant/toddler sibling group instead of just one?

[jarian]

Yes, I am willing to take a sibling group of two, but I would still prefer them both to be under 4 years old and I would consider 5 and younger. I hope it would increase our chances.

Potentialsinglemom~you finished classes fast. Does your state do accelerated classes like Florida? I wish we had accelerated classes, but I guess I can't complain because we're almost done.

[potentialsinglemom]

Originally Posted by jarian

Yes, I am willing to take a sibling group of two, but I would still prefer them both to be under 4 years old and I would consider 5 and younger. I hope it would increase our chances.

Potentialsinglemom~you finished classes fast. Does your state do accelerated classes like Florida? I wish we had accelerated classes, but I guess I can't complain because we're almost done.

Oh, I don't know...ironic, I was just thinking, "wow 12 classes." I looked it up, depending on whether your state requires Mapp, Pride or Path determines how long your sessions are.
Online Guide to Adopting from Foster Care - Pre-Adoption Classes - PATH MAPP PRIDE PACE -

We were in classes aaalll day on Saturdays and attended classes two Tuesdays from 6:30 to 8pm.

[momof9wantingmore]

Our agency also told us that most children were 6 and up and we were straight foster care at the time so that was no problem, our first call was for a sibling set, boy 2 and girl 1, they became ours forever 18 months later, another placement was for a newborn baby girl. She became ours forever 2.5 years later. We had several placements in between, but not one child older than 5. Keep going, don't be discouraged, there are little ones out there who need you!

[jarian]

Originally Posted by momof9wantingmore

Our agency also told us that most children were 6 and up and we were straight foster care at the time so that was no problem, our first call was for a sibling set, boy 2 and girl 1, they became ours forever 18 months later, another placement was for a newborn baby girl. She became ours forever 2.5 years later. We had several placements in between, but not one child older than 5. Keep going, don't be discouraged, there are little ones out there who need you!

Wow. That's great that you were able to adopt! I hope we are as lucky and blessed as you are!