[Withay]

I've noticed lately that we are having a few issues with the wording of a sensitive issue.

The main phrase that is getting people upset is:

...the relatives come out of the woodwork

We all need to be sensitive to how our words sound and feel to others. Many people on the foster parent forums are relatives. In some cases they are providing care for their relatives child(ren), they may be trying to gain custody of a relatives child(ren) who is/are in foster care, or they may be trying to adopt a relatives child who is in foster care.

None of us know the circumstances of a particular case and why the timing of the relatives appearance is what it is. Perhaps the relative just found out that the child(ren) is/are in foster care. Maybe they have been working behind the scenes for several months with DHS to gain custody of the child(ren). In some cases they may have known the child(ren) were in care, but their circumstances were such that they couldn't take the child into their home then, but are able to now. We just don't know.

In view of the sensitive nature of this topic I am asking that we all read and re-read what we have written before hitting the post button. If there is a phrase, or word that could cause distress to other members, please rethink posting using that word or phrase.

Thank you

[embuck]

I just wanted to comment that although I see your point entirely I can't help but to think of the phrase as just a common phrase. I see and hear people use it ALL the time and perhaps with that I have become insensitive of it's underlining meaning.

I don't think people mean anything by it, and it doesn't make it right, but to a person who has been caring for a child and who is being told by CPS that they will have no problems adopting the child and their hearts are slowly but surely opening up and filling with love for the child like their own, when all of the sudden (to them) they hear about another family, bio family or friends of the family after months of nothing, it seems very very much to them like they "came out of the woodwork" so I think its important to view all sides of the situation before becoming hurt by the phrase. JMO

[crick]

I think in general what Withay is touching on is the fact that we do have a lot of family situations here and to remind everyone of how our words can impact others.

In general it's not necessarily the actual word "woodwork" that is the issue but rather the tone associated by how they use it in the post. Or more insensitive terms used INSTEAD of woodwork. So perhaps the cockroach phrase or any other name inserted there to imply things in a mean way is really what I see Withay discussing.

Just really a reminder of all the walks of life we have here and something to consider is all.

[RobinKay]

Originally Posted by embuck

I just wanted to comment that although I see your point entirely I can't help but to think of the phrase as just a common phrase. I see and hear people use it ALL the time and perhaps with that I have become insensitive of it's underlining meaning.

I don't think people mean anything by it, and it doesn't make it right, but to a person who has been caring for a child and who is being told by CPS that they will have no problems adopting the child and their hearts are slowly but surely opening up and filling with love for the child like their own, when all of the sudden (to them) they hear about another family, bio family or friends of the family after months of nothing, it seems very very much to them like they "came out of the woodwork" so I think its important to view all sides of the situation before becoming hurt by the phrase. JMO

So it's OK to say something hurtful about an entire group of people because you are hurting?

It is possible to express that relatives coming forward is an unpleasant surprise without sarcasm or derogatory terms--and saying someone came out of the woodwork is both sarcastic and derogatory. Referring to relatives as cockroaches and trying to pass it off "as a joke" is rude and insensitive.

No one on this site has ever denigrated the pain a foster parent feels when they might lose or have lost a child they have come to love. This is a safe place to vent those feelings and receive feedback that they are not alone. However, that support should not include permitting insensitive and derogatory descriptions of people or groups of people.

[vegaschristina]

However, that support should not include permitting insensitive and derogatory descriptions of people or groups of people.

Then it needs to be announced too that CPS does not STEAL children. Children are removed for their own safety. That absolutely makes my blood boil, as if foster/adoptive parents are skulking in the bushes waiting for a parent to mess up so we can steal their child.

[LibbyHawkins]

Is that really what this board is about, people not being able to post unless they have worded everything ultra carefully, read and reread each word and phrase.

I would hate to see those bland posts and writing one wouldn't be an outlet, but a chore.

If people are looking for something to be offended by then it might be a good idea to only read posts on the forum that you best fit in with. Fosterparents in Foster Parent Support, Birthmoms in Birthfamily Support . . .

Again I ask, is this what the majority wants?

I think very rarely does someone get on here and mean to be antagonistic - and usually that is dealt with appropriately. Makes me sad to think what this could lead to.

Crick, can we do some sort of poll as to how board members feel about this request?

Trying to keep others feelings in mind is one thing, but reading and rereading seems like sensoring ones own words . . .

[RobinKay]

Originally Posted by LibbyHawkins

Is that really what this board is about, people not being able to post unless they have worded everything ultra carefully, read and reread each word and phrase.

I would hate to see those bland posts and writing one wouldn't be an outlet, but a chore.

If people are looking for something to be offended by then it might be a good idea to only read posts on the forum that you best fit in with. Fosterparents in Foster Parent Support, Birthmoms in Birthfamily Support . . .

Again I ask, is this what the majority wants?

I think very rarely does someone get on here and mean to be antagonistic - and usually that is dealt with appropriately. Makes me sad to think what this could lead to.

Crick, can we do some sort of poll as to how board members feel about this request?

Trying to keep others feelings in mind is one thing, but reading and rereading seems like sensoring ones own words . . .

No one is asking that each post be a formal essay. Just don't call names. It's fine to say I am upset, I am disappointed, I wish this wasn't happening, I don't agree-

It's not OK to say things that are derogatory-relatives showing up when not expected--fine--calling them cockroaches is not. Saying foster parents "steal" children is not OK-stating your opinion about whether a child should be reunified with birth family is OK.

It is always OK to validate someone's feelings--it's also OK to say you wouldn't feel that way in the same situation.

This needs to be a safe place to share for everyone. It's a public forum.

[RobinKay]

Originally Posted by vegaschristina

Then it needs to be announced too that CPS does not STEAL children. Children are removed for their own safety. That absolutely makes my blood boil, as if foster/adoptive parents are skulking in the bushes waiting for a parent to mess up so we can steal their child.

Vegaschristina--I absolutely want to say I agree with you. Where would the thousands of children who do not have a safe, stable home go without our foster parents? Our foster parents are one of the greatest resources in American society. I'd attach a flag here if I knew how!

[crick]

Just a few thoughts..

A person speaking from their personal experience and is venting etc. will/might say something that absolutely does offend someone. It's perfectly fine to say "hey, I don't appreciate that" or whatever respectful disagreement you might have to point out. That does not mean though that the person can't vent or share things about their personal situation. Doesn't mean they have to change their statements either. (I'm not referring to attacks etc.)

If someone came on this board and said something to the effect of "CPS steals children and you are all a part of that, how do you live with yourself", that would not be allowed at all. If someone has experienced a personal removal and posts about their experience for support on another forum, saying CPS stole THEIR children, well that's different imo. kwim?

We aren't trying to police what everyone says to the point of anyone having to walk on eggshells. What Withay simply wanted to do was point out that lately there had been some statements made that called for a a general "hey...think about things a bit".

I said it earlier and I'll say it again, it's often the TONE or what follows a statement that changes everything. It's not necessarily someone saying "All of xx's relatives came out of the woodwork 2 days before TPR" that can impact many of the members here, but what comes before or after that statement. If it's generalized to the point of "All relatives wait til the last minute and are nothing more than cockroaches", I can see how that offends people.

It's not a situation of "Don't say this" at all. Just every so often some threads cause divisions amongst members and we try to help remind others of some things that might help. We DO want this to be a supportive place for EVERYONE.

[Withay]

Crick has hit the nail on the head. I am not saying that the posts need to be bland and uninteresting. Nor am I saying that a good, lively discussion is not welcome. What I am saying is that we just need to take a moment and ask ourselves if a specific term or phrase we are using is going to hurt others.

As previously posted, it is not always WHAT we say, but HOW we say it. Without the benefit of body language it is easier for some of our words to hurt more.

If someone posts something that hurts another person and that person lets them know (in a kind way) that it hurt them, it would be nice if the op could reply with something like "I'm sorry that I hurt you. I truly didn't mean to. I was trying to say......"

KWIM?

[TxMom65]

I know if any of my brother's children or even cousins were taken into care, I would do what I could to take them in.
That said, my daughter was in foster care 5 years. When TPR had already happened and we were in the adoption process, family members popped up who had not made a peep for 5 years. We had to take on a legal risk placement and I remember being crushed that if they really did want her, why had she been in care for 5 years before they stepped up. Yes, they knew about her being there. Yes, they had been asked in the beginning if they would consider taking her. They said no.
I know that each situation is different, family dynamics are different. I know my family would move heaven and earth to take one of our own in. Sometimes though, I have seen people wait until it is in the end stages before the family is willing to step in. THat is what makes me sad.

[Withay]

TxMom - thank you for wording it like you did. There can be no offense (one would imagine) by your wording.

Popped up, stepped up - both are very good terms to describe what happened without offending anyone. Exactly what I (and a few others) have been trying to get across.

[MamaS]

Withay: You mean "popped up" like gophers out of holes. Gee, isn't that offensive too? Can't we be offended at anything - and everything - if we try?

[RobinKay]

Originally Posted by MamaS

Withay: You mean "popped up" like gophers out of holes. Gee, isn't that offensive too? Can't we be offended at anything - and everything - if we try?

MamaS--you are too funny!!! Gophers-I am still giggling-

I think "popped up" is more like "I popped in to see so-and-so, or I popped in to Foodland to pick up some milk". Coming out of the woodwork has a very different connotation--it implies that prior to coming out, the person was hiding--it is pretty negative.

Family stepping up at the last minute will always be a problem until the laws change to make permanancy happen in a more reasonable timeframe.

Our laws require the social workers to contact family--I think that formal request, that last chance effort makes relatives feel overwhelming guilt. When the child is in foster care, and parents are making an even half-hearted effort, relatives are reluctant to "interfere". Then, the sw calls--it's all or nothing time--and they say yes, we'll take the kid(s).

It's not right, it's not fair to kids who have bonded with their ffamily or the ffamily whose hearts are often broken, but at present it's the law and our system.

[TxMom65]

I wasn't thinking or meaning anything horrible about popping up. They truly had no contact with anyone about her for almost 5 years, even when they were at TPR and once again asking for family to come forward. Not until the state got ready to move her to the website to be adopted, and we got started, did they contact the SW.

In the end I am glad that they did though. I would rather be able to say that someone ine the family tried than say that nobody ever asked about her. I want her to feel wanted by everyone!