[momsphotoop]

We are currently starting our classes to become licensed. We are in pursuit of a 4 year old from Florida, her CW is a friend of mine and we are trying to time everything right so we may have a shot of getting her. It very well may not work out but we are still open to foster to adopt. The thing is, I really cannot see my 5 year old son handling having a new little in the house only for them to leave a short time later. My son is a sweetie and desperately wants a sibling!! I really think he will fall apart if we have a little one with us for a few months or more, then having to tell him they are going to be with their real mom and dad or another home. How do you deal with this with your smaller children?
Thanks
Heather

[605orange]

This is precisely why we chose not to foster-to-adopt and instead went adoption only. Our children were TPRed before we were matched with them.

Every family needs to make the decision that is best for them. For us, we knew that our children, ages 9 and 11 could not handle the emotional upset of a brother or sister leaving the home.

We were seriously dissuaded from going adopt only. The CW said that it would take forever to match. We matched after only 3 months wait with relatively healthy 3 and 4 year old boys.

Think about your options. Although I am sure your son will eventually work through the emotions, you need to decide if you are willing to put him through that at such a young age.

[Boulderbabe]

You don't tell your son "we're going to adopt so-and-so." You say, "So-and-so is coming to stay with us for a little while. Her family can't take care of her, so we are going to take care of her while her bmom and bdad take care of their problems."

If she goes home, well.....that was always the plan. It will be sad, but not unexpected. If it gets past TPR, then you can tell your son, "Her bmom and bdad just couldn't fix their problems, so we are going to adopt her into our family. Adoption means forever, and we are going to be her mom and dad as well as yours."

[momsphotoop]

thanks for the input! I really don't think my son would be able to handle it. Just as a comparison, my nieces and nephew being able to deal much better, they are more detached from reality lol , they just go with the flow in any situation. My dad has been through 3 different girlfriends in the last 2 years and my nieces and nephew can't even remember their names yet my son still asks about all of them and misses the first one terribly. He attaches very easily. I always wanted to help other children through foster care, but now it looks like my bio-child will ruin it for me lol kidding! lol Thanks for the advice! I will hold on to the hopes that we get this little girl we are persuing.

[mommy2fiveplus]

My parents started fostering when I was 4 years old and still foster now that I am 26. It was hard the first time around but got easier after that and I never would have given up the opprutunity to be a foster sib. I learned a lot about the real world and I really appreciated little things that other kids I knew took for granted. I now foster and my kids (6,5,4,2, 8 mos -3 bio, 2 adopt) all handle it really well. We tell them from the begininng that we are "babysitting" these kids until thier mom and dad can take care of them. When that doesn't happen we have adopted so the kids already know the drill. They miss the kids that are gone and occasionally ask about them, but they know that while we had them they were happy and are glad they can live with thier mom and dad again. They see how sad the kids are and how much they miss thier bios, so they have been happy for the kids that have gone back. They haven't needed antidepressants so far so I think it is going well, we hope to continue fostering until the house is full (either adopted or foster).

[blessedbybug]

Originally Posted by Boulderbabe

You don't tell your son "we're going to adopt so-and-so." You say, "So-and-so is coming to stay with us for a little while. Her family can't take care of her, so we are going to take care of her while her bmom and bdad take care of their problems."

If she goes home, well.....that was always the plan. It will be sad, but not unexpected. If it gets past TPR, then you can tell your son, "Her bmom and bdad just couldn't fix their problems, so we are going to adopt her into our family. Adoption means forever, and we are going to be her mom and dad as well as yours."

Thank you for this. I was just coming to ask a similar question. We are considering fostering (we were licensed before DS was placed with us through a private agency and have moved twice so we're potentially starting over...) and our biggest concern is how to prepare our two children (26 months and 4+) for the child/ren only staying a short time. We will only consider children younger than our parented children right now. I'd be interested in other's input as well. Thank you.

[mommytomykids]

Originally Posted by Boulderbabe

You don't tell your son "we're going to adopt so-and-so." You say, "So-and-so is coming to stay with us for a little while. Her family can't take care of her, so we are going to take care of her while her bmom and bdad take care of their problems."

If she goes home, well.....that was always the plan. It will be sad, but not unexpected. If it gets past TPR, then you can tell your son, "Her bmom and bdad just couldn't fix their problems, so we are going to adopt her into our family. Adoption means forever, and we are going to be her mom and dad as well as yours."

We used a version of what you said...
We have a 4 yr old bio son whom we've told "God may give us a baby to take care of for a little while and then he/she will go home to their mommy and daddy. OR If we get to take care of them a long time...they will become your brother or sister. Mommy will let you know when this happens".
He really wants to be a big brother but we communicate with him clearly and plan to work through the process as we are faced with each step. (I'm not saying it will be a cake walk but I know we are preparing him for the realities that may lie ahead).