[Piratedogmama]

A little background. DH and I are in the process of deciding if we can actually do foster/adopt. We are trying to consider as many issues and potiential scenarios as we can as we go through our decision making process. My folks are married and live about 45 minutes away from us, my DIL and his wife live about five hours away. We see our folks on both sides about once or twice a month. My husband's mother passed away years ago and FIL's wife is someone we all love and respect, she was married before FIL but never had children of her own. All four of the grandparents are great with our DD.

We were going to adopt prior to getting pregnant with DD as I was always told I was never going to carry a baby to term. Once we started the Korean adoption process we were suprised by the pregnancy and birth of our DD. There is room still in our hearts for an adopted child and we have been learning about the foster/adopt program in our state and while we know that RU is the objective there are many parents we have talked with that have adopted their foster children. We realize we may have the opportunity to be a safe, kind, loving home for many children before we are presented with a situation where a child is in need of a forever home.

I have recently begun bringing the possiblility of foster/adopt to my mother. Frankly, I am so disappointed by some of her comments and concerns. I am listening to her but by and large the vibe I am getting from her is that she would treat a foster/adopt child very differently from her own biological grandchildren just based on the fact that they are not bio and also, sadly, due to any potential difference of race of that child. DH and I have decided that we would be open to any race or ethnicity, we do know that there is more to consider than just our feelings though as grandparents can be a big part of any childs life. My father would have a few challenges initially but I do firmly believe that he would see the child as a child and do fine. He does great with the children of a cousin that has two boys adopted from Korea as well as the three kids another cousin adopted from the foster care system. My mother has made comments lately, before I started my own foster/adopt conversations with her about the adopted kids being "those type of kids". For example, my cousin with the boys form Korea recently experienced one of the boys having a seizure resulting from a high fever. Common for children with a high fever, scarry, and any parent can experience this. She makes the statement, "What can you expect from those type of kids?". I was floored and very upset. I asked her what she meant and she got very quiet and then tried to change the subject, when I persisted she got angry at me and said to, "just drop it." She has always said that a child is a child and she would not treat any child differently based on color or background but I am not seeing this in her at this point. I am concerned about exposing a child that we care about to her with those attitudes and am starting to feel that she would be polite to a fostered/adopted child but be detached and play favorites to our bio DD. It concerns DH as well.

Have any of you dealt with similiar feelings/statements/ biases in your families? If so, how did you deal with it? We are wondering how to address this further with my mother and other family members ( I have a few uncles that are openly racist ). We feel that my FIL and step MIL will be okay with our decision. I am so shocked right now my my own mother I don't really know quite how to handle talking with her about it while keeping my cool. Any suggestions or shared experiences would be welcome as we muddle through this. Thanks for reading. I know the decision is ours, I know we would take issue with things head on but children are so keen. I think our DD would sense the differences in the way the children would be treated and any foster/adopt child would too.

[katenlen04]

Wow, that's gotta be tough for you to have to deal with. My DH and I recently went through the licensing process (just finished a few weeks ago) and I spoke to my entire family about it for the past year before we finally decided to go ahead. Although I didn't have the same reaction you did, I was initially worried what the people around me would think because the child would not be biological. I suffer from infertility, however, and may not be able to have a child of my "own" and DH and I decided to move to adoption right now, although we do plan to do at least one IVF procedure next summer. Our immediate families have been very supportive, although extended family members have their doubts. However, all I can tell you is that you have to do what is right for you and your DH, and not base your decisions on what others think. Although I received positive responses from most of my family, we already knew we would proceed without them. We decided together that we wanted to adopt a child together and it didn't matter to us what anyone else thought. We only talked to our families about it to see what they thought about it, but we knew our family would not make the decision, we would. Does that make sense? I hope you find the support you need in making the right decision for you. I have found that online forums offer a huge amount of support and I have belonged to many infertility websites for the past 4-5 years. I have only recently added myself to adoption forums, hence the long signature I have (I transferred it from another site!!) Good luck to you.... I know I really haven't helped, but just know that I understand what you are going through.

[carlychan]

Here is my situation and what I think. My inlaws and family were/are very supportive. However, my in laws do seem to be disconnected a bit from our foster son (the plan is adoption). I think they are trying to protect themselves should he be RU'ed with his birth family. They are also 2000 miles away so they CAN be a bit disconnected. My mom on the other hand has visited and loves our fs like my other children. I think once the adoption is "for sure" and final my inlaws will come around. I would imagine your mom would too. Just my 2 cents

[Elle83]

It sounds like it must be hard for you.

Our exp - My husbands parents responded when we told them we planned to foser/adopt by saying "you can't, we won't let you " (last time i checked it wasn't actually up to them but they actually threatened to call our agency to voice they disapproval, i gave them the number, told our sw to expect the phone call - which never happened ) then "well you are far too young, oh just wait and you will have a baby", "well I certainly won't be having any of those FOSTER kids in my house" etc etc.

Four placements later they adore our kids. They call themselves Grandma and Grandpa D and just returned from vacation ladden with presents for our two FDs. We still butt heads and MIL still makes some inappropriate comments (to me, never to the kids) but overall they have come around.

They too were very concerned over the race issue. Our first transracial placement I emailed a pic the first day saying this is our new FS R---, we would love to get together, call us if you are free. It took them a week to call, but they did and adored him as much as the others.

With them I think it was just so far out of their expierience they didn't know what to do. They have come around but it is still a source of conflict in the family and I don't feel the issue is resolve - I think they just kind of accept what we are doing now but assume at some point we will "get over it and have a real family".

Hope that helps.

[afamilythroughfoster]

We could be parallel families. This describes our situation to a tee.
My MIL said she would love that child b/c it was ours. My FIL said I better not bring any "mixes" in his house.
My own father was detached and kept saying "well, he's not mine"

It did bother and embarass me initially before we got any fosterchildren. I was worried that they would treat our fk differently. Then when they started pouring in the door, I was fiercly protective of them and any slights against them were met with looks and attitude that suggested I wouldn't tolerate it. When my FIL laid that doozy on me, I said fine if he didn't want to see his grandchildren then he wouldn't. Then my MIL stepped in and told everybody to just "quit talking all that nonsense". God love her, she said, "we will love any baby that comes to this house however they get here."

Thankfully, it never came to be much of an issue and the grandparents spoil our fk just as much as any other child with gifts of toys and love. But, if they ever pulled a stunt where they gave gifts to every child in the room but one I would: promptly but silently let them know that it isn't okay and we would all leave pretty quickly.

I do like prepare our relatives when a new arrival comes so they will not be sandbagged by an extra child. We try not to plan events with a lot of family for at least a week or more so the child isn't bombarded with a new family. And I definitely keep it as positive as possible. I tell them benign details that everybody would want to know about a new baby. What color the hair is and how pretty the eyes are. IMHO it sets the stage that they treat the child like a child and not give them the "ahhhhh, looked at the abused child" look which well meaning people will do.

Your family is just the beginning...it amazing how many people believe they have a right to know the child's past simply b/c they know you are fostering that child. Everybody wants to saddle up beside me and whisper, "well, what's this one here for?"

I went through stages: first, I was really excited and did share some details that I later regreted. Then, after I learned that once you tell people something, they refuse to forget it. Even if that child no longer exhibits that behavior or has that problem Then I moved into a stage where I was vague and said I didn't know all the details. Now, depending on the person, I just change the subject. Everyone close to us finally got the hint.

But you know your family best. If they won't accept a fosterchild, prepare yourself ahead of time and discuss with your dh what your going to do about it.

This is a wonderful way to expand your family. Good luck on your journey. Posting here is a great start.

[MPJJJ]

I absolutely would not tolerate that from anyone. My husband and I make the decisions regarding our family. Thats it. The rest of them can take us (all of us) or leave us.

[dakotabluebaby]

We were and are fearful of responces, but for the most part it seems like in my family everyone has an opinion if someone is there to listen, once any decision was made (the dreaded look of 'done deal') they supported. If you have family that continues to be..umm..not nice then I would say I'm sorry we'll talk when you act respectful to MY children Bye!

I think racisim always surprizes those who aren't exposed on a regular bases. I'm actually more concerned about the little old ladies in the supermarket than my ability to field my family.

[meshsgrl]

my MIL who is also my next door neighbor informed me I am nuts to foster... now she is my biggest supporter!! She spoils my kids rotten and gets jealous of the "other" grandma that has "adopted" my kids!

[Piratedogmama]

Thank you for your replies and consideration to this topic. In the last day I have brought the topic up again with her and she has fallen back on the silence and making short, harsh comments. DH and I have talked and we may just bring everything up when my Dad and Mom are together, face to face and see what happens.

DH and I know that this is our decision but we also know that there are other people to consider as they could/will play a role in the life of our children. I have just not truly encountered this side of my mother before and I am just so sad and shocked by it. DH and I are strong enough and assertive enough to deal with any attitiudes that may surface in front of children and hopefully nip that in the bud before it starts.

We have decided too that if/when children are placed with us that we will not divulge sensitive information to anyone in the family about issues. It was a great point someone made about people not forgetting and I am pretty sure that if my mom knew any history on a child she would always go back to that as a reason for any difficulty or challenges in parenting.

Selfishly, I would like our parents just to be happy for our decision to add children to the family. We have yet to tackle my FIL and step MIL. DH and I are so excitied aobut taking this path, it would be so nice to have some additional family members to share it with but if that is not the case we have friends that are.

[Robbin]

My MIL treats all children the same. We brought a new child to her house for XMas, and she put $$ in an envelope for that child and said sorry I didn't have a gift for you.

My mother is a different story. First off, she doesn't really like ANY child, just not a kid person. She doesn't hesitate to tell them if they act up (my kids or anyones for that matter). She told us we were nuts for doing it. Why would you do that to your family, etc., etc.

Soon after I got married, she said she wasn't going to give gift to my stepson at XMas (said she couldn't "afford" it). I said, well Mom, you can't do that, so just don't give gifts to any of the kids, no problem. They all got gifts.

Then when we got fosters, she said you can't expect me to give them gifts at XMas (cost again). I said, no problem, but don't give to any. Again they all got gifts.

Then when we adopted, she said she wasn't going to give gifts at XMas (we now have 7 kids). Again, no problem, Mom, don't worry about it. Everybody got gifts.

AND, believe it or not, she is the one who has gone to our adopted daughter's school for grandparents day FOUR YEARS IN A ROW!

The Lord works in mysterious ways!

[Boulderbabe]

My parents were pretty negative before my son came. The first few foster kids I had were definitely temporary (they came on respite), so everybody kept a lot of emotional distance. When my son arrived, I thought I'd be treated as a second class citizen.

Heh. That was until my stepfather determined that my son WALKS ON WATER. Oh yes, that little boy is the smartest, most handsome, bravest, most incredible child that has ever lived. (Amazingly, he apparently takes after my stepfather....at least according to my stepfather!) My mother thinks he is a gift from God, and thinks perhaps I should quit my job, never date again, and devote myself body and soul to the raising of this exceptional human being. My father just thinks he makes a good fishin' buddy.

So---the moral of the story is this: I think a lot of people change their minds when it is a real, living, breathing cute little kid standing there!

[Boulderbabe]

One other thing: Set boundaries early, and make them good and firm. I think it is perfectly appropriate to say, "Mom, DH and FK and I are a family. We come as a package. If you cannot love and accept all of us, you won't see any of us."

My stepmother was really awful at my son's adoption. It wasn't about my son---it was about my mom, and my stepmother's refusal to sit through the adoption party and just be polite to her. I blew up and said, "There is only one family here this weekend, and it's Aaron's family. NOW DECIDE IF YOU ARE IN IT."

That was the last time I had to listen to her crap. Ever.

[arubagirl]

Originally Posted by MPJJJ

I absolutely would not tolerate that from anyone. My husband and I make the decisions regarding our family. Thats it. The rest of them can take us (all of us) or leave us.

ditto.... some people just dont get it!

[hesabanana]

I can completely appreciate your concerns. When dh and I were going through licensing, we really thought we could handle our families' biases. We were open with them all and set firm boundaries. Then Easter came. We did not yet have a placement. My sisters and MIL got into a conversation about a local mall, calling it the "ghetto mall" because African American people (gasp) shop there and how can they possibly afford it since they are all on welfare. Then someone said something else and my sister replied that it was "mighty white" of them. Dh and I looked at each other and realized that these people have NO IDEA how racisit they actually are, and even though I believed they would treat my foster kids well, we knew that any non-white kids would be treated as exceptions to their racist rules....they would be good lovable kids because they were raised in a white family, in spite of being a different race/ethnicity. So we opted sadly to take only caucasian kids.
Well, my parents died, and my inlaws have gotten older. I'm not that close to my siblings. We decided to adopt from Guatemala. Frankly, none of them knew where Guatemala is much less what ethnicity the kids would be. My FIL has made a few comments that I choose to attribute to his Parkinsons. Two of my siblings insist my Guatemalan son is Asian. My kids are all well-loved, but we have to educate family on a regular basis.
Best of luck to you!

[eomaia]

How much of their resistance is based on ignorance and misconceptions about foster care?

Most people still assume that foster children have been beaten, or molested, or that the parents abandoned them because they were too busy doing drugs, and extrapolate from that misconception that all foster children are "damaged goods". I know that in our state, most children are in foster care due to "denial of critical care" which can mean a lot of different things, such as failing to provide children with adequate housing.

Now, it's easy to feel negatively about having a child in your home who has been mentally and physically scarred by his crack-addict parents. It's a bit different to open your home to a poor kid whose family is going through a tough time, and just need some help to get past it.
I know the ads aimed at getting more people to be foster parents emphasize the worst cases, because it's more heroic to save a child from a horrible fate than to help out a struggling family, but typical foster kids might be easier for the extended family to deal with than horribly abused scarred-for-life kids.

Also, remember that foster parenting is supposed to be temporary, so it might be easier for the grandparents to think of it like babysitting a friend's kids while she's in the hospital. The living situation is temporary, but the emotional bonds are permanent.