[tiredofwaiting]

Hi,

My husband and I are considering being foster parents. It seems like 1/2 the people we tell of our plans tell us we are setting ourselves up for heartache. It is getting tough. At least most of my family is all for this. I know people are trying to protect us, but this is a very hard decision to make and when people tell you ( who have not done it) that is hard , you start to doubt yourself. Has everyone gone through this? I am thinking of not telling anyone else what we are thinking about
thanks

[bethy724]

Ask the people that discourage you what their experience is w/ foster care. Since it's most likly what they see on TV ask them why they would discourage a person from being a positive influence in a child's life. You can also ask where these children are supposed to sleep when their family is disrupted...the CPS office?

I get sick of people that have no direct knowledge or experience with foster care or foster children discouraging those of us that put our feelings aside for the sake of a child just becasue they contribute nothing to the world.

Good luck & follow your heart you only answer to one being at the end of the day... do what's right for you.

[tylind23]

I know what you mean. At least your family is mostly on board. Mine weren't. My mom told me that I was going to be murdered in my sleep by a foster child. Of course, everyone she knows is of the opinion that I'm making a huge mistake. She's adjusting a little bit now, but still doesn't like the idea of me fostering.

[Robbin]

Murdered in your sleep?!?!?! That is one I never heard before . Half the people say we're crazy, the other half say we're saints. I don't think we're either.

Some people don't really like children, foster or not, and are of the mindset that they should be seen and not heard (most of my family!).

When we were going through our training originally, I remember the instructor saying to try it with one child. If it doesn't work out for you, then you don't have to do it again, but that you DID help that one child and you should feel good about yourself for that.

I was all gung ho on being a foster parent, then after we got our first placement I had a major, middle-of-the-night anxiety attack! Of course it passed, we wound up fostering 10 kids, adopting 3, and now are getting back into it again.

What was very helpful for us is that our church has/had 8-10 families that fostered/adopted and they proved to be a huge support system. It was actually a couple from our church who encouraged us to try fostering, and held our hands when we were scared, and gave us lots of sound advice. I would encourage you to find a local family that you can develop that relationship with. Only other foster parents can laugh with you at the crazy things you go through as a fp, or commiserate at a child's trauma.

I totally say go for it and see if it works for your family.

[HopefulMommy]

I would say Go for it!!!!

I think my Mom is in mourning for my infertility, but is trying to be supportive.

I tell people a wide variety of things depending on how snarky they are with me.

But I truly believe fostering is a calling. Like nursing or the clergy. Will I have my heart broken, Yes. But I am an adult and it is NOT about me.

And God doesn't call the equiped, he equips the called!

Also, letting people know about respite care I think I have a few families that may be up for that challenge. Because they want to help, but just can't make the full time foster parent commitment at this point in their lives.

Tell people you are in the process of getting your license and educate them on the real foster care system.

Good luck!

[Sam-N-Tony]

I too would ask them what hands on experience they have with foster children are, typically the answer will be none other than what they heard through a friend of a friend who know's someone who's cousin did this or that. It's ridiculous. I did get your crazy from my husband's side of the family but they didn't say anything else than that. When we had our previous 7 yr old, my FIL did say that he was trouble and would cause major problems in our house with false allegations etc. That was the only time something was said. Other than that his family thinks were nuts, but does love on all the kids regardless of anything.

My Mom and family were fully supportive of us and thought it was great. My Mom loves all my kids so, I say follow YOUR heart and not the thought of others.

[dakotabluebaby]

Oh I've been there. your lucky to have 1/2!

What we found though when we broke it down to who was approving and who did not (we are very analitical) we discovered a very familar pattern. The people who did not approve were the same people who tried to talk us out of getting married (after 2 years of friendship and 3 1/2 years of dating) they were also the people who didn't seem happy in there own lives.

I found I had to listen to my own heart before anyone else. They will support you when the child is there or when the decision is made, everyone's tune changed (well almost) when there was no questions left, (ie they knew they weren't going to change our mind)

So basically Yeah, your not alone.

[2momsinGA]

My mom was a social worker in AR for 30+ years, and she worked in various parts of "the system." Her last 13 years were in a high-security juvenile detention facility. When I speak to her about fostering/adopting, she has a very negative view. I think that her work with those adolescents/young adults (who were not all from foster care) make her biased.
When I was young, I went with her when she discharged babies from the hospital. I remember picking out the outfits she would keep in her office. This was back in the day before car seats were required, so I would hold the baby in my lap as we drove to the foster parent's house. Of course, I wanted to take each of them home!
My mom used to go to houses and remove children from the custody of birth parents, and she completed "home evaluations." She also served as a GA. I know her memories of all of that are tough.
I think that when we get our new additions, she'll remember back to a time when she was a little more idealistic about her job. Now that she's very much into the grandparent role, she may be able to help out in a way that she could not do when she was in the role of the social worker.
I have several friends who have developed families through adoption, etc., so we have a good support system there.
Our current and future children will not lack support--that is for sure!

I think that your friends and family will learn something as you both do during the process. Perhaps they will decide to foster/adopt as well.

I guess I still have my idealism in tact at 35. It does not hurt to be optimistic...

[jbee]

people are ignorant. the same ones who told us we would also get stabbed in our sleep, or our house burned down, are also the ones who now tell our retarded fs he should go for his idea of being a doctor when he grows up, and have answers for everything.
i refuse to listen to them until they grow a set and try it themselves. until then just smile and nod, smile and nod...

[lynnae1111]

Everyone tried to discourage me as well - I think to protect me - now they are so in love with my daughter it is unbelievable. Foster to adopt was the best thing I ever did!!

[ranoutofnames]

I don't recall a single person being supportive of the idea of fostering. I had people say we'd be good parents but thought we were crazy to become foster parents... so it did make me nervous when I had to list 3 referrences

Now that we are considering not taking any new placements for a while we have those same family members telling us that although they understand our reasons they wish we'd reconsider. They have seen all the good we have done and feel they helped touch some important lives... they are mourning our decision too.

People are just weird about change.

[Psalm27:10]

I have the same problem , but from another angle. Everyone around us is for it and supportive and they are all ready to help if needed...The agency turned us down. They didn't even turn it in to the state. They decided in office that we were not "the type" of people they could work with. It was like being 5 months pregnant and losing the baby. We have been really sad and gave ourselves a few weeks. I am contacting another, non faith based agency in the morning. This pitty party is over!!! You know in your heart if this is what you need to do and if you feel it, do it! Some will come around when you get the first placement, but others may take longer. Either way, if they are that close to you guys they will support you when you get to that step.

[Withay]

Guess I am in the minority. I had nothing but support from the get-go. Everyone, family & friends, was and have been very supportive. BTW, I am single.

[xxsurroundedbyxy]

Originally Posted by Psalm27:10

It was like being 5 months pregnant and losing the baby.

Please be careful where and who you say things like this too. For those who have miscarried, having you compare your foster license denial to it will just be painful and hard to swallow. Sooooo, not the same. I think with a little more time, another agency will jump at the chance to have you. I think the agency you were with was very biased or had something personal against you. Good Luck.

[GAMOM75]

I was told to make sure I only take in kids that are "normal". I responded with "Good idea, but can you define normal for me?"

People can be so judgemental.