[wannafostersoon]

*First let me say I am not a proponent of spanking as a means of discipline on any level although admittedly I am guilty of using it in the past*.

On the paperwork it asks how we discipline our children. While we normally do time outs, restrictions, and privilege losses we have spanked our children's bottoms a couple of times in the past. It is not our favorite method of discipline and it has been sporadic at best (maybe 5 times in the past 6.5 years) but it has happened. Being a good Christian woman I need to be honest on my application but I know that corporal punishment and spanking is seriously frowned upon in childrearing, even in moderation. That said, if I volunarily include that information on the app I feel we would lose out when spanking really isn't a reality in our house.

We would never spank a foster/adoptive child, like I said, we hardly ever spank our any of our bio four now but it has happened. Most recently was about a little over a year ago when my oldest daughter cut all of her little sister's hair off for the second time in about 15 months while at my cousin's house. I still don't know how my cousin let a 5 year old get hold of scissors, but I digress.

My girls are old enough to remember and I would want them to be honest. I encourage them to tell the truth at all costs, even if they know they may get disciplined and for the most part they are honest and do admit when they've done wrong or fess up when they make mistakes. Everyone makes mistakes. . I would not ask them to alter the value system we've instilled in them for our benefit. They could be asked "do you ever get spankings" or something to that effect. My 6 year old would likely say no, since it isn't the norm but my 5 year old takes things VERY literally (as most 5 year olds do) and may say "yes, XXXXXXXX does" or something to that effect. I don't want to omit it and look like a liar later if caught, I don't want to include it and make it seem like it's how we discipline because it isn't. We also don't believe in corporal punishment as a whole; I am quite embarrassed that we have used it in the past. I don't know what to do!

[Mkuhlmann06]

You should put what you stated in yoru post on your application. If it is only a Y/N question, put Yes and then an * after it. Make a note that in 6 1/2 yrs your children have been spanked maybe 1/2 dozen times after all other discipline efforts have been attempted and that you are fully aware that foster kids cannot be spanked. In 10 months we have spanked our now adopted son once. It was previously warned to him, all other methods were attempted, it was very explicitly explained to him what we meant by a spanking. We are again back open for placements (both foster and adoptive). I have honestly told him my workers about the situation (and actually they knew about it right after it happened) and there wasn't any issue with it.

Actually in training, our trainers acknowledged they were not here to debate if spanking is acceptable/not acceptable as a form of punishment and wasn't telling us we couldn't spank our own children, but that it was absolutely NOT allowed to be done with foster kids and the only reason they discouraged it with our biological when foster kids were in the home is because it could send a message to the foster kids to make them relive what they had experienced in their past (worse than a spanking).

I'd say be truthful - it's not something worth hiding.

Good luck.

[stevenstwin]

I agree - just tell them what you told us. I was in the same situation - had spanked maybe a handful of times. I explained - they DID ask questions that made me feel even worse - like "was it open handed? Did it leave a mark?" But they ALSO admitted that although they strongly DISCOURAGE spanking, they can not tell me I'm not allowed to do it with my own kids. What they are looking for is people who are so determined and convinced that spanking is the best form of discipline, that they might not be willing to listen to the directive NOT to spank a foster child. I know people who have had foster children removed for breaking that rule...and actually, I also know someone who lost her foster daughter for spanking her own daughter in front of the foster child..apparently that traumatized her, bringing back memories of her own abuse.

[timleenettesue]

We told the truth when we were asked. We had used it when our older children were young, but would never spank a foster child. They asked what we would do instead and had no problems. Just be truthful, it is always the best course of action.

[kelceesmom]

Be honest and advise them as a side note what has been done in the past.

If I remember correctly we were asked the same question and were given then chance to elaborate on our answer to the sw preparing our homestudy.

[HappyHopefulMommy]

I agree with all the others posters. Be totally honest. The SW can not tell you what you can and can not do with your bio children. But, of course spanking is not allowed on foster children. And if you do spank bio kids and not foster kids, it is hard to explain that to the kids and the SW would rncourage you to be consistent with punishments. I don't think it is a big deal though.

[Sam-N-Tony]

Ditto with everything everyone has said.

This morning the CW came to pick the kids up for their visit with Mom and SHE said she was going to smack his little hand for hitting his sister. I thought it was funny coming from CW. The same people who say you can and cannot do this or that.

[xxsurroundedbyxy]

We spank our own children and we put it on the application. I won't even go into pretending I disagree wtih it. We have pretty well beahved children and so it is rarely used because it is rarely needed.

I am a certified teacher so I know all about not spanking other people's children and have no problem not spanking foster children. But our trainer, herself, spanked her own child. Almost 100% of the people in our class had spanked their children. So your answer is not going to shock anyone.

They just need to know that you do know other forms of discipline, etc. And with foster kids, you will get creative. I have had some that spanking would not have worked with because of the abuse they had suffered. But my current one could use a could spanking. It would nip alot of his behaviors in the bud......but I won't be the one doing it.

Kim

[cbielem]

I am so glad this question was asked, as I was wondering the same thing. I actually believe in spanking, when a child deliberately does something wrong, but have not actually spanked anyone yet (as my son is just 9 1/2 months old).

I completely understand why we would not be allowed to spank a foster child, and have also explained this to my husband (who also understands). We don't even start classes until June 2, but have been worrying about this from the start.

I appreciate everyone's answers on this topic!

[MassachusettsMom]

We were specifically told during our MAPP training that we cannot spank foster kids or bio/adopted kids in our home if we have foster kids in our home. Their argument was that it sets a bad example for the foster kids and could bring up issues. Might be different in different states, but in MA they apparently CAN tell us how to discipline our bio/adopted kids, if we also have foster kids.

[mommacass]

We sometimes spank our bio sons and we told the homestudy worker that we do. She did not have a problem with it as long as we do not spank a foster child or spank our child in front of the foster child.

MommaCass

[AZmomof3]

Ok, this is an interesting thread. I have a question, if you can't spank your foster child, what do you do if they won't stay in the time out chair or if they sneak behind your back and do whatever privilege you took away? I have always wondered that. What is the next level of discipline if all else fails and you can't spank?

[Pixels]

Originally Posted by AZmomof3

Ok, this is an interesting thread. I have a question, if you can't spank your foster child, what do you do if they won't stay in the time out chair or if they sneak behind your back and do whatever privilege you took away? I have always wondered that. What is the next level of discipline if all else fails and you can't spank?

May I ask what you would do if spanking didn't work, either?

[xxsurroundedbyxy]

I'm not sure as I have only had to put a foster child into time out twice and both times he stayed. We set the rules and go over what is expected of them the first night. We explain time-out too. THEN, we talke about all the really fun things we do as a family---Chuck E Cheese, camp-outs and fireside meals, zoo trips, computer time, family bike rides, movies, bowling, etc. We not only take away privileges, toys, etc. but they miss out on all the fun stuff too if they don't behave because hubby and I are willing to tag team and go it alone with the ones who DID behave if necessary. Most have never gotten to do many of these things and so their desire to do them is so great that they typically mind very well.

[Mkuhlmann06]

We have had to be VERY creative with consequences for my now AS. We've done all kinds of reward systems, consequences, removal of privileges, etc. Some examples:
For slamming bedroom door - open and close it 20 times to practice how to close a door properly or it will be removed from hinges. (I started to remove it and he did it - he has not slammed a door since in 9 months).
Mommy work/homework - If he forgets his HW (mind you this was normally ON PURPOSE to get out of it), I can assign him vocabulary words, reading assignment, math problems, etc. Usually harder and longer than his HW.
Not doing chores - no tv, electronics, computer, video games, etc until chores are done. Also, no allowance is earned/given until they are done. (Or he is paid per chore).
Miscellaneous - Early bedtime. Do something that takes up more of my time, gets me mad/worked up - then I need more quiet time or mommy time - so you must go to bed early.
Sentences/Vocabulary - When he lies/steals something, we started off with 10, 50, 100, 200, 250, 400, 500 sentences - he could have tv, computer, electronics until the sentences were done. (The sentence would say something like, "If I hadn't lied about XXX, then I wouldn't be writing this sentence)". Or I'd give him 10, 20, 30 vocabulary words and he would have to write them 3x each, do sentence for each and write definition. I'd give him words like, honesty, character, friendship, love, trust, etc.
I have also stripped his room of all toys and he had to earn them back, Ive done pat downs before/after leaving for school, stores, etc (he stole a few things from kids at school at one point), we stripped his room of most furniture to reduce hiding spots (we did room inspections at one point). Ive taken him to the police station and had a detective meet with him. During a day where he had out of school suspension (OSS), he had to do chores, mommywork etc. He said OSS was worse than ISS (in school) and worse than just attending class (my point was made then and he hasn't had it since!) Ive had him do chores either to earn money to repay for things or as consequences.
Letters of apology and in person apologies
Sit out of activity - he was in basketball and is now in baseball. I made him sit out games if his behavior warranted it and we would still attend the game and he'd root for the team, but couldn't play.
I would show up at school (unannounced to him) if need be, we tried to use positive peer pressure from friends, etc.
Earn up to 2 thumb up stamps at school and get 30 mins later bedtime for each one. Earn 5 of 10 in a week and earn a special weekly reward. Earn 2 of 4 weeks in a month of a weekly reward and get a monthly reward. (He would lie to get the rewards - to be found out later - so this didn't work well for him, but it does for other children). He would get extra money for extra chores, money for good grades on report cards, extra prize for no HW slips in a week.
Natural consequences - as much as possible, we let the natural consequence drive the situation or try to demonstrate why the consequence I was picking was logical.
We process the situation afterwards - discuss what he did, why he did, what options he could have done, etc. We also role played a lot.

The key thing is to find what motivates the child's behavior to do good things. We would acknowledge every little thing he did right. We give him a lot more attention when he's on good standing. We play more games, do more one on one activities, when he's not in trouble. We would always find things to build his self esteem. He knows how proud we are of him and ackowledges that we are and he knows it.

He's been with us for 10 months. He was in foster care for 8 years (we were placement 15). He was in therapuetic level when placed with us as a pre adoptive placement. Just last week, on the last day of school parents attended a recap with the class. There were 8 or 10 posters that had a single main idea "what was my favorite activity this year," "what was the most important thing I learned this year," "what advice would you give to next year's class," "what was the hardest thing I learned how to do this year," "most interesting thing I learned." My son wrote things like "you can't get away with stuff," "do things right the first time," "listen to the teacher,", etc.

He is a great kid and we rarely have to do anything more than an early bedtime or removal of computer/video. He had a big lying/stealing and school/home work problems...we still have some lying issues, but they are much much less. Most other behavior problems have subsided.

We've had other foster children and most of what we used were chip reward systems. You could earn a chip (or marble or sticker) for all these different things. After earning so many you received a prize. This way if they didn't do the behavior, it was simple -- the consequence was not getting a step closer to the item they wanted. Time outs, time ins, early bedtimes worked well with the kid w had that was 7.