[LydiaH]

Hi, I'm fairly new here still in the sense that I haven't really posted much and I've been gone for a long long time. Anyway, my husband and I initially got involved with our local DHS with the intent to adopt, but they found faults with the stupidest things and kept putting us off, so we got involved with doing respit care and volunteering at one of the local churches once a month when they do something called "Foster Parent's Night Out" where the kids from foster families come for 4 hours to play and have dinner and the parents get the evening off. Anyway, so the administrator of the foster and adoption program has taken to my husband and I and was shocked when we got put off for adoption and has gone to bat for us to let our SW know that we're good candidates and they'd be crazy to deny us.

Ok, long intro, but here's our current situation. The woman who is the administrator has approached us about fostering a number of times and keeps pushing the idea. Last night, she came to us again asking about a specific family of 6 kids (ages 5-16) who are in need of a home where they can all live together. They are currently in 3 separate homes and having a hard time with it. They're trying to get them back together but need a home big enough. We've not yet agreed to do foster care, haven't even done the home study, and at this point, we really don't have the room for 6 kids.

Our house is a 2 bedroom 1 bath house but when it was on the market, it was listed as a 3 bedroom because there's an open space upstairs that does have a closet, even though there's no defining walls to make it a bedroom. Theoretically, it could be done, but everyone would be so cramped. So, the administrator was saying that she would help us find a new house and get beds and find a van to transport everyone. My husband is freaking out because we only have 2 SUV's and neither one can hold more than 5 people and if we move, which he DOES NOT want to do, he's insisting that the house be at least 3 real bedrooms or 4 bedrooms or have an unfinished basement, at least 2 full bathrooms, a 2 car garage, a fenced yard, and a shop.

Why? Because we have a 2 car garage, a fenced yard and a shop now and he just can't imagine giving that up. I agree on the garage and yard, but I think he's being selfish. We have 2 large dogs (yellow lab and akita) so they do need the fenced yard for excercise and safety. We also have 3 cats (yes, 3. Ugh.) and we rent, so if we moved, it's going to take a gracious landlord to allow all those pets into such a great property. Granted, we're excellent pet owners and very responsible and clean with exceptionally trained pets, but all landlords have been through the horror stories and are uneasy about those situations.

OK, I'm sure I'm giving way too much information here, but I'm just trying to compute everything. 3 girls, 3 boys, all ages, all at once. So many things to think about, so many things that would need to be changed, added, upgraded, taken into consideration, I'm kind of freaking out! Any advice here? Maybe a good ol' fashioned frying pan to the head to knock me out for a while?

[ECDGA]

Hi Lydia,
Going from 0 to 6 sounds like a big step to me. I am surprised that they are pushing this situation. A large sibling group and those ages would seem very daunting to me as a new time foster parent. I don' t want to discourage you but it sounds like alot for you to do to accomodate this sibling group. You would need to get liscensed, get a larger vehicle and move? Maybe you could start out with a smaller number and work your way up to six? I am afraid you might get in over your head and than a good foster home may be lost for good. Good luck with your fostering journey!

[michsm]

I agree it seems like alot to be getting into at first. Going from no children to even one is a big adjustment, especially considering some of the emotional/behavioral issues that can come with the children. I would also start out with small steps. I went from 0-3 when I first started and it was alot to cope with. You are just never fully prepared for what you have to deal with. I would really think about it. What happens if you do all you would have to to provide a place for these children and then the placement disrupts? Good luck with whatever you decide.

[Scrapsathome]

I wouldn't do any of that unless your DH is 100% excited about the idea. Nervousness is okay, but being against moving is a bad sign. I'd say you need to put him first and really hear what he's trying to tell you. We actually did move to a bigger house and buy a huge van so that we could take in as many kids as possible, so I've been where you are at. We did all that while going through the homestudy process, so it was interesting to say the least. For us, it was completely worth it. But we could not have done it if we weren't both in total agreement that this was God's will for our lives.

Also, consider how strained the situation will be if your DH ends up with a house full of kids in a home that he's unhappy with. He could end up transferring his irritation about not having a shop or whatever over onto the kids and that just wouldn't be good. It's like the old saying, "If momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy." It applies to dad, too.

Good luck in your decision,
Jess

[Sam-N-Tony]

First off, I think that moving and buying new things (big purchases, i.e. house, car etc) before or when just starting out fostering is a bad bad idea. You might be biting more than you can chew. Especially when going from 0 to 6 kids. Most foster kids have a lot of emotional and behavioral challenges. I wouldn't suggest having all these changes so fast in your life in such a short time. When fostering even if it's just one kid, you have to make sure that your significant other is behind you 100%, because you might end up not getting these kids, stuck with a large house and large car and financially struggling to maintain both.

I would suggest go throgh the fostering process and start off with 1-2 kids. It's a huge jump. I had 1 son and went to 2 more kids and I thought I was going nuts. I did eventually get used to it but I couldn't imagine even going from 3 to 6.

Really sit down and talk to dh and see what is it exactly that he wants and then maybe you can entertain what works for both of you.

[reapingjoy]

Well, I "have" 6 kids :-) and I can tell you from experience that there is no way we would have been able to go from 0 to 6 in one day & still preserve our sanity & our marriage...and 4 of ours are bio without the "issues" that foster kids come with. One of our boys has fairly significant special needs (behavioral/learning things) & he can be a handful himself. We would never be able to handle him at all if he was just placed in our home one day & we had not grown with him from birth.

Our newest daughter that we are adopting from foster care has been diagnosed with asthma, a possible neurological problem (waiting on our specialist appt. in a couple weeks to find out), & is now starting therapy tomorrow for possible abuse at her foster home, all in the 2 months since she's arrived here. We were told that she was perfectly healthy with no developmental, physical, or psychological problems. That is not true at all - the former FM just never noticed or cared enough (whatever) to get her checked out. I have spent hours on the phone, more hours researching on the internet, & made numerous trips to the dr. (3x in 1 week) just for her, and that doesn't even include regular household chores & trying to keep my other 5 kids going. It has been very overwhelming.

I know it is very exciting & all of us think we can do it before it actually happens, but the reality of taking in 6 foster children will be very much different than what you think it will be & very much different than birthing or adopting them one at a time. And having a big heart & a desire to help these children may not be enough to get you through. I would venture to say that several of them (if not all) have special needs that you will have to attend to, plus getting them all acclimated to your lifestyle (new rules, new expectations....even things as basic as table manners or bedtimes can be a major struggle) And be prepared that Children's Services may not be completely honest about all the issues the kids have....after our experience this time, I would definitely "assume" & plan for the fact that any child coming from foster care will have more severe needs than what they present.

I don't think any of us want to make you feel bad or like we think you're not capable...I think that coming from voices of experience, we would just hate to see you or your dh hurt, or worse, your marriage destroyed by taking on too much too soon.

Please let us know how things work out. :-)

[circap]

When we started fostering, our first placement was 3 siblings. We thought it wouldn't be a problem at all since we were so used to having many nieces and nephews over all the time along with our BD who was 9 at the time.

We learned very quickly that it was too much too quickly. After having seven placements now and learning more of the ropes, things about communication, the process, etc...I think it would be a very different situation for our family.

THere were many nights with the three additions to our family that I went to bed crying and wondering why I had done this to our family...the next morning, I would wake up and see their smiling faces and I would know why but it still didn't change the outcome of the day after all the issues that were dealt with behavioral, emotionally, etc. it was stilll crazy around here.... but it definitely taught my daughter about how some children's lives are...

[Dmommab]

Our first sibling group in foster care was a group of 3. We had 3 children of our own living at home at the time & we added 3 more overnight. Although we survived with no MAJOR problems I would seriously advise against it. I truly feel it was inappropriate for them to place a sibling group of 3 with us for our first placement. I would say one child is IDEAL for your first placement, 2 if one is an infant but no more! Good luck with whatever you decide!!