[mamae]

Ok, so adoption has always been part of our plans. Actually, when we started dating I told him I would only date man who were in favor of adoption (because I WAS GOING to adopt an older child). It is a dream, and very important part of me.

He agreed.... he said he also thought adopting was a great idea.... and we kept dating.... and ended up marrying.

The original plan (at least the plan I understood), was for us to foster-adopt, with the goal to adopt a girl, up to 9yo, being open to a younger sibling, AND after having the bio child to close the family.

Now that is coming close to the date we said we would start the process, he came to me and said he wants to have a bio first.

I am somewhat upset about it.

His logic is that he is getting old (he is 35, I am 28), that as older we are, harder will be to have a biological child, and that he wants to enjoy his kids, and if we adopted now, we would need to give a lot of time before bringing a biological one... So by the time the biological one arrived he would be a lot older (close to 40).

He says that we are going to adopt older kids anyway. So we can adopt once our baby is around 3, and this way, he will be "young" and able to have energy with all. And not having a baby when he was supposed to have school age kids already.

He also says he feels afraid of being a parent. that he would rather have a baby first, because this way he would grow up into parenting, and not turn childless, to a parent of 1 or 2 big kids overnight.

That he feels he needs to go through the natural phase first...

I am not sure what to think...

First I am disappointed because I have been longing to the day I would adopt since I was born.

Second I feel worried that after we have a biological child, he won't want to adopt anymore. He is a VERY WORRIED PERSON... The type who wants to have EVERYTHING PERFECT before start something new.

Like... he never think it is time... he always worry something is going to happen and we wont be prepared. We took YEARS to buy a house even though we were more than ready and paying rent, because he was afraid something was going to come up (like a car accident, or a disease, or something), and we didn't have enough money saved, and we might not be able to pay the mortgage....

He comes from a very poor childhood, and now he really worries he won't be able to provide (even though we have both GREAT jobs, with wonderful careers...).

So... I worry after we have a baby, we will never be "ready" to adopt. and I will ended up very frustrated.... and our marriage will be in trouble....

There will always be a reason why not to do so... And I feel with a younger child in the house, the reasons will be bigger (like preserving the child, or saving more money for college, etc...)

Other thing that bothers me is that we talk about kids a lot (we really love kids), but everytime I talk about kids, I talk about how would be our adoptive kids... like how would we do things, etc... While everytime he talks about kids, he talks about biological kids... like if they will have which one of us genetical trace... if they will look like me, if will have his eyes... etc...

I almost feel like he is trying to trick me. He accepts my plans, and swears he wants to adopt, but has no really plan on doing it.

[xxsurroundedbyxy]

Well, since foster/adopt can be a little tricky and you may not find a match you feel is right for your family for possibly years......I say start trying for that bio and become foster parents too! You may foster many children before one comes to you that you fall in love with and whose parents have their rights terminated so that they are freed for adoption.

If the bio doesn't happen right away (because everything does have to happen at just the right time for that), you will still be fostering and helping children who need a safe home life. He will get a feel for parenting older children and what life without just the two of you will be like.

Who knows? You may wind up pregnant and adopting all the same year!!

If he is unwilling to even go through the fostering training and process, then it would time to have a heart to heart on his REAL intentions.

Kim

[hesabanana]

I agree with XX....why not start working on both simultaneously? Neither pursuit is going to happen overnight, and even if you get pregnant right away, you could be working on your homestudy and classes.
The therapist in me has concerns though....If you are questioning his intentions and fear trouble to the marriage, you may want to consider bringing ANY children into it...It sounds like the two of you have a lot of talking to do about how you will create your family.

[enchansin]

I can understand your mad but he does have some valid points,
You need to calm down and really talk about this,
If he is not really into the adoption.. it be really hard to be approved for it.
Unless both parents really want it, especially with foster to adopt.
I see your reading these boards so I'm sure you seen the real story about these kids.
and the heartache that some of the people have after having child from birth and losing them to family Members or bp's..
Make sure your both ready for all Bad that comes with the good..


I wish you loads of Luck

[Howdy]

I also think fostering while you are trying to get pregnant would be a good way for your husband to get his feet wet. Sell it to him as a way for him to get some practice without commitment. He is bound to feel attached to some of the kids that come and that will make it easier for him to not be too nervous later on when you have a bio.

I think he has some good points. It can take quite a while to have a placement that really stays until adoption. And then it can take years until the child feels like you won't return them. And the adopted child may worry that the new bio baby would replace him/her.

On the other hand, if you have a 3 yr old there can be risks in bring an older child into the family.

[Scrapsathome]

Your DH sounds like he has some ligitimate concerns. My DH is the type who worries about money, too. For him, following Dave Ramsey's "Financial Peace University" plan really helped. I learned that my DH wouldn't feel relaxed about money until he had a "nest egg". He needs to know that he has emergency funds. He's probably looking at (rightly so) the possibility that you will decide to stay home with the kids once they are there. He'll be the sole provider. There's a lot of fear involved with that.

I recommend you check out daveramsey.com and learn how to get on the same page regarding financial planning for your family.

Try to look further ahead as far as bio children go. If you don't end up having your first baby until your DH is 40, that means he will be about 60 years old before that child is out of the house. And that's assuming you only have ONE bio child. You may find that after that one you really want one more. I can see why he'd be nervous. I intentionally decided that I wanted to be done having bio children by the age of 30 so that I could be young enough when the kids are grown to enjoy being an energetic grandma and having the house to ourselves again.

Try writing down his list of worries and then coming up with a plan to address each one.

Good luck!
Jess

[alilangel]

What about doing respite while you are trying for the bio? That way you would help foster parents who are needing some help on the weekends or something. You would still have to go through the whole process but once you al felt ready you can easily switch over to become foster parents. At least you could do this way in KY...I am not sure about other states.

[chickymum]

We have bio and adopted children and have recently decided to extend our family. I want to adopt and my husband wants bio. So we decided on both. We talked about what order to do this in and from our experience we have, hands down, decided bio first. Adopted kids can come with so many issues that are time consuming and emotionally draining and exhausting. It can take years to be at a secure enough place to be ready for a baby.
Another factor to bear in mind though is that bios for the most part will suffer from not being the oldest. Again older adopted children do not come without extremely demanding issues that tend to affect the bio more than one would think. An older bio has a better chance of protecting themself and being an example and not falling into the ways of the child that is struggling. This means for us we will be waiting long enough after bio is born to adopt younger than him/her.
Older child adoption is fantastic, extremely trying but rewarding. But one thing that you and definatly your husband by the sounds of things will not want to sacrifice is your emotionally healthy childs well being.

[lnussbaum]

Personally, I would begin trying for the bio. At the same time, I would look into the foster/adopt plan. That way, your not giving up your either of your dreams. Both bio and foster/adopt take time. There's no way of knowing how long either way will take to get a child.

I myself am 35 so I'm not saying either of you are old in any way, but bio will make physical demands on your body that foster/adopt will not. You also may not get pregnant right away. It may take some time. You just never know.

When I married my husband I had children (then aged 6 and 8) from a previous marriage. When my (now) husband and I first started dating, he was very nervous about the children thing. He had no idea how to parent, never being around children at all. The more he got to know them, the more comfortable he became but it was a totally different ballpark when we married. He then had to full time parent and be responsible for some of the discipline and he had no idea what to do. Scared? YES he was!

It took many many weeks of his watching me and trying to pick up on what to do. It would have been much easier for him if he would have started the entire parenting thing from scratch, as with a newborn. Some may not agree with me, but I can understand your husband's point of view on this after watching how much my husband struggled with this when we married. It's not easy.

I do think you need to have a heart to heart with your husband and try very hard to see his side, though I do feel very much how important adoption is to you. I don't think you should have to put your dream aside, nor do I think your husband should have his way first.

My husband and I both grew up quite poor, not having much to eat, if anything, at times. Your husband needs to try and address those fears of not being able to provide. You mentioned you both have good jobs. That's great! Talk with him about what he's feeling, fearful of, etc.

If your a religious family, pray.

[ranoutofnames]

I can understand your frustration, you were up front and clear from the beginning that you had a goal to adopt and now he's changing the goal, I'd be unhappy too.

Marriage is work and lots of compromise, sometimes the dreams we start out with aren't the realities we end up with. All over in this site there are people who always dreamed of giving birth to a child only to find out for one reason or another they were unable to conceive or carry a child to term. For many it took several years to accept and then decide being a parent is the most important thing and the DNA of the child is only secondary.

We chose to adopt before trying to conceive any bio children. We planned our family like anyone else, one child at a time (but if twins had come along we'd welcome them too.) We've adopted twice, hope to adopt one more but in the mean time we are having a bio-child.

I'm really glad I adopted before having a bchild. Granted, I never thought I'd wait until I was almost 40 to have my first bchild, but that's how it worked out for us. We didn't want our children to be too close in age so we had to space out and wait a year longer.

Funny thing though... A1 thinks that once the baby is born we need to adopt it so that it can stay with us because children that aren't adopted eventually leave.

[Scrapsathome]

Funny thing though... A1 thinks that once the baby is born we need to adopt it so that it can stay with us because children that aren't adopted eventually leave.

That is funny!

Jess

[FullQuiverMamma]

Originally Posted by hesabanana

Neither pursuit is going to happen overnight

THAT IS FOR DARN SURE!!!