[mauilisa]

I'm in a casual foster parenting situation where a friend of my daughter's has been living at our house for a week. She would like to stay longer, which is fine with us. She has run away from her home several times. My question is, when setting rules for her, am I supposed to go by her parent's rules? The one big one is her boyfriend. She is 17, and I don't see the logic in trying to prevent her from seeing her boyfriend. I would like to promote responsible behavior in that area. But her parents have forbidden her from seeing this boy. I can go either way, but I thought I'd get real foster parents' advice. My gut says that if I use the parent's rules, she will just lie to get around it. She is 18 in 4 months; she is on the pill and her parents know this.

Thank you for your time. I have great respect for foster parents. I'm 46, have always been interested in being a foster parent, but my husband is not.

[mauilisa]

Since I didn't get any response, I'll just record here what I decided to do. My main objective in this foster parenting situation is to shield A from verbal abuse by her parent & step-father. It is not my goal to provide a rules-free environment for her. After speaking with her mom, who had very strong feelings about two rules - boyfriend and driving - I decided to honor those rules. No easy answers, but she will be 18 in four months and at that time may do as she pleases.

[greenrobin]

Lisa, we were on the other side of this: biomom allowed an inappropriate boyfriend. When C was in our care, we made the rules and boyfriend was told in no uncertain terms that he could not have contact with C. As the fp, you are making rules that you find appropriate for the child in your care.

Our agency has rules about fk's dating. If you're hooked up with an agency or even CPS, ask. There are written policies that they can hand you. Read them and then work with your cw to come up with a good solution.

[CaddoRose]

I don't have a teenager, so I didn't respond because of that. But, if I were in your shoes, I would first find out why the Bio doesn't want he daughter to see the boyfriend. It depends on the reasons why as to how I would handle that. If you knew it was because he was trying to protect her from teh abuse also, then I would figure out a way to allow him to be in her life in a way that you could supervise. If he is not good for her because he's a trouble maker or just a bad example, etc, then I would try to set up some ground rules for the couple. It might be possible to set up some rules that would allow her to see him but only under particular circumstances. That way, you have a reason for disallowing him if they break the rules.

I know this is a simple answer and it is a complex problem. If you tell her not to see the boyfriend, I can asure you that is exactly what she will do. If you find a way to supervise the couple, you are offering them a safe haven and providing yourself with all the ammunition you need to ban him if they act contrary to your house rules. It's really a tough situation considering she is almost 18. At her age, she can go where she likes and no one can say otherwise.

[xxsurroundedbyxy]

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but because this child is a 17 year old runaway that you are harboring you may want to check on the legal ramifications. You are not a licensed foster home and this child was not placed into care by DCFS. The mother could (and may) turn you in.

Now, it is true that she will be 18 in 4 months but I am doubting she is planning on leaving your abode at that time. Where would she go? Does she have a means to support herself? Money to start up in an apartment? Planning to move in with boyfriend?

I think I would advise her to get family counseling and move back home with her mother and step-parent. You can be an advisor and listener, but I think you may be over-stepping your boundaries some IMO


Kim

[mauilisa]

Thank you for your comments. I was actually wondering about the legalities, but I figured since the mom told me in person that she also thought it was a good idea for her daughter to stay with me for "a while", I was covered. But I think what you're saying is, once the mom has had enough of a break, if she wants A back home and A refuses to leave my house, then I legally have to send her back? I want to do the right thing. I certainly don't want to get into trouble legally. So who do I call to find out? CPS?

[stevenstwin]

Originally Posted by mauilisa

Thank you for your comments. I was actually wondering about the legalities, but I figured since the mom told me in person that she also thought it was a good idea for her daughter to stay with me for "a while", I was covered. But I think what you're saying is, once the mom has had enough of a break, if she wants A back home and A refuses to leave my house, then I legally have to send her back? I want to do the right thing. I certainly don't want to get into trouble legally. So who do I call to find out? CPS?

By all means, contact CPS if you feel there is abuse going on in the home. However, if it isn't a matter of abuse, but just more of a family struggle, then if mom asks for her daughter back you have to send her home. In either case, you haven't any legal right to keep her, since there is no guarantee that CPS would place her with you even if they did get involved. From my personal experience, I doubt very much that CPS would get involved with a child only 4 months away from adulthood, especially if it isn't the child herself who reports. And if the mother is in agreement with her daughter staying with you for now, I see no problem with it. It's pretty common, really, for a teen to end up moving in with a friend's family because they aren't getting along at home - as long as the child's parents aren't against it. She's old enough to seek legal emancipation, after all.

[xxsurroundedbyxy]

Mauilisa~
I think as long as you have mom's ok, you are fine and doing her a great favor by removing the stress from her home as well as relieving some stress in the teenager as well.

I just wanted to be sure that this mom was on board or it could cause more hassle than you signed on for.

You stated that this child was wanting to stay and that you were "fine with it" and I just threw out some of those questions to see if you would still be fine with it if she is still in your house this time next year. HeeHee. Her welcome may wear out if some planning and goal setting doesn't happen soon.

If she is planning on staying short-term and will be out on her own soon, I would not put alot of time and energy into separating her from her boyfriend. I think I might have a curfew and a "no liquor or drugs in my house" rule if that is a possible problem and "no sex in my house" as well since the last thing you need if for others to find out that your house is the go-to place for teenagers looking to get away with something. But you can't really control an 18 yr old and once she is on her own she will have free reign and you just need to help her prepare to make some good decisions when that time comes.

Kim

[seekfirstthekingdom]

I am not sure what state you are in but here in Missouri when a child turns 17 he/she can move out and do what ever they want and there is nothing us as parents can do...

I know this because a few months ago my son decided he was moving out (hes 17) I called a cop and asked if he could do that and if there was any thing I could do legally to keep him home..The cop told me there was absolutely NOTHING I could do that if he wanted to leave he could leave...He did leave and moved in with a family member (bad news) long story short he came back home pretty quickly.

So the reason I am saying all of this is because if she wants to be at your house there is nothing that can be done legally if the parents decide they dont want her there..But if I may give you some advice...It HURTS bad when a child moves out, and I was more hurt that the family member never even had the curtesy to call me and tell me my child was okay, so if I were you I would make sure everyone was okay with her living with you that would just be the right thing to do.

I guess you have to put your self in the bios shoes, and ask your self how you would want things handled if it was your daughter...On the other hand if the bios are abusive then things maybe should be handled differently..

hope this helps. by the way 17yr old can wear their welcomes out pretty quickly lol...

[stevenstwin]

Originally Posted by seekfirstthekingdom

I am not sure what state you are in but here in Missouri when a child turns 17 he/she can move out and do what ever they want and there is nothing us as parents can do...

I know this because a few months ago my son decided he was moving out (hes 17) I called a cop and asked if he could do that and if there was any thing I could do legally to keep him home..The cop told me there was absolutely NOTHING I could do that if he wanted to leave he could leave...He did leave and moved in with a family member (bad news) long story short he came back home pretty quickly.

So the reason I am saying all of this is because if she wants to be at your house there is nothing that can be done legally if the parents decide they dont want her there..But if I may give you some advice...It HURTS bad when a child moves out, and I was more hurt that the family member never even had the curtesy to call me and tell me my child was okay, so if I were you I would make sure everyone was okay with her living with you that would just be the right thing to do.

I guess you have to put your self in the bios shoes, and ask your self how you would want things handled if it was your daughter...On the other hand if the bios are abusive then things maybe should be handled differently..

hope this helps. by the way 17yr old can wear their welcomes out pretty quickly lol...

I certainly agree with you. One question I always have in this situation is to wonder if there is REALLY any abuse going on, or if the girl is just manipulating. Trust me, I know how much that hurts...to have a much loved teenager (in my case, my fs of two years) move out because he doesn't like rules and restrictions, and then convince other adults in his live that*I* was mean and nasty. At the moment, he's got the parents of a friend semi-supporting him and asking him if he wants to come live with them, because they feel so sorry for him for "everything I put him through". Blech.

[seekfirstthekingdom]

I also wondered if the abuse allegations were true, kids tell adults what ever will make them feel sorry for them to get their way..

When I finally had a chance to ask the family member that let my son move in with him why he did it he said "well I couldnt leave him out on street". To that I replied well if he was "out on the street that was his choice" he was upset because he was out 2 hours after curfew, and we took his driving privilages away and that is why he left. we didnt take his food, bed, clothes, electricity ect.. away from him. sooo make sure that the child is telling the whole truth before you jump to conclusions.

any way thanks for starting this post it felt good to get this off of my chest. and now my son is in San Diego California at Marine boot camp wooo hooo....I am so proud of him ;]

[mauilisa]

Good stuff - all the posts! I wondered all the same things. I told the mom clearly that as soon as she said, "bring her home", I would. I told her that I don't automatically believe all the allegations and urged her to make an appointment with a counselor. She hesitated at first but in the end, made an appointment! Hope! There is some verbal abuse going on and A's bio father has confirmed that. So I just told the mom that I did verbally abuse my oldest daughter, and my youngest daughter would say that I am verbally abusive, but she hasn't a clue what verbal abuse is! haha! So A is basically living at my house to get a breather from the verbal abuse, but she's living by her mom's rules here. That made it better. And yesterday, they spoke on the phone and are beginning the reconciliation process. This forum has been most helpful. Thanks!