[annam42]

Hi everyone, I guess i should formally introduce myself.
Im Anna, im 42 and my husband Jeff is 43 I have four bio kids 22, 20, 19, and 18.

I have always wanted to foster, but had way too many kids with problems at home. This summer all of my kids moved out except my 19 year old that has autism. We are finally able to start fostering which we are really excited about.

The only thing that drives me crazy is when I want to share my excitement with other people, they start giving me "warnings" and "horror stories" like im such a moron that I never considered all the risks involved. Why cant people just be excited for us. This is something We have researched for a few years now. Grrrrrrrr!!!!

[bethy724]

Get used to it-the funny thing is the people witht the negative comments have never fostered, known anybody who has fostered or adopted.

When I get the negative stories (they will take your baby away at any time) I just say "ya I watched that ONE episode on Dateline-there are thousands of positive foster stories -I seek those out not the negative"

Even AFTER my sons adoption my grandmother still warned me about sending bio mom photos (watch out - his mom will want him back) I told her I am staying true to my word & I (his mom) already have him. Bio parents don't want their children back because they're cute - they love thrie children & will forever.

Good luck & stick to your dreams - the foster care system needs dedicated families. Don't be swayed or discouraged by ignorant people spouting off nonsence-they usually have no idea what they are talking about.

[tinatyme]

Originally Posted by annam42

The only thing that drives me crazy is when I want to share my excitement with other people, they start giving me "warnings" and "horror stories" like im such a moron that I never considered all the risks involved. Why cant people just be excited for us. This is something We have researched for a few years now. Grrrrrrrr!!!!

Try expressing that frustration to these well meaning family and friends. Say something like "I understand that you care for me and don't want me to get hurt but I really need you to be excited for me and I want to talk about what to look forward to in this process not what could go wrong." If they still continue with the negativity just let them know that this is not a subject you will be discussing with them in the future and that when you do have placements you definitely don't want that negativity to be communicated to your children. I think that most of the warnings come from fear for you and concern. Also sometimes I think that people are jealous because you are branching out in a new territory and it is an unknown for them. Sometimes if you communicate to them that they will still have a space in your life as your friend, confidant, colleague or whatever they will turn around and become your biggest supporter when you have the children and then you will hear stories like "I thought foster care was like this but then my best friend became a foster parent and she is so good at it, etc."

[annam42]

Thanks guys, Im so glad I found this board and I can communicate with people who understand, I really appricate it

[tylind23]

My mom is the worst about this type of talk. On top of that, apparently she tells everyone she sees that I'm going to foster and most of them tell her what an awful decision it is. My mom actually told me that she's worried I will be murdered in my sleep by a foster child. Now that's support.

[Boulderbabe]

Originally Posted by tylind23

My mom is the worst about this type of talk. On top of that, apparently she tells everyone she sees that I'm going to foster and most of them tell her what an awful decision it is. My mom actually told me that she's worried I will be murdered in my sleep by a foster child. Now that's support.

I just got some unsupportive junk from my mom this week, too. She can't understand why I won't come to her house in another state for Christmas this year. And when I tell her it's because my foster kid won't be able to travel out of state, she says, "Well, can't you tell them that you can't take another kid until after Christmas?"

Yeah. Like I'm going to look at some poor three year old who has just been pulled out of a meth lab and say, "Sorry, but I can't help you because my mother wants me for Christmas."

My stepfather called to lecture me about "dragging so many kids through your son's life." He seems to forget that he GOT his beloved grandson out of foster care!

But the best one ever has to have been my mom's first reaction when she heard I was going to start fostering. She looked at me and said, "But aren't you too fat to be a mother"?

[zoeymnstr]

I hope I'm not too fat to be a mother=)
My sister-in-law said to make sure I leave room in my home for my "real" children. I guess as opposed to the fake children that I would foster?
Fugetaboutit! People who are not led to do that usually cannot understand those that have been led to do it. I consider it a privelidge to care for these children(assuming I ever get a placement, but that is a whole other story)
Good luck and hang tough!

[cabbagepatchkid]

I get some comments too since I am 53 yrs old and foster preschool/elementary school age children. I have 4 children of my own (all grown) and 4 grandchildren. I adopted my first 2 foster placements--they are now 5 & 6 yrs old. I've had them for 4 yrs.

My parents did foster care or many years---from before I was born until I was 11 yrs old and I think it was a wonderful experience for myself. I still keep in touch with one of my foster sisters after all these years.

My best friend thinks that I am crazy but her daughter was so interested in what I was doing that she and her husband took the classes and now they have 2 bio children, 1 adopted child and 3 foster children in their home right now.

The wierdest comment that I ever got...and this should make everyone laugh like crazy....was when a neighbor told me that he and his wife had thought about doing foster care because they had been told they could make a lot of money doing it!!!!!!

[Bug-n-Bears-Mommy]

Honestly, I gave up trying to educate people on the realities of foster care and foster parenting. The media has done such a great job of brain washing society as to the negatives of foster care and foster placement that I just relish in the positives. For example, every year I look forward to the annual A Home For the Holidays Christmas program that is sponsored by the Dave Thomas foundation. BTW...he (founder of Wendy's) was a foster child that was adopted and look how he turned out! Anyway, I e-mail all my friends and family to let them know it is going to air. It is one of the one POSITIVE programs dedicated to foster care so I really try to out it out there to the nay-sayers.

[straightblues]

Be prepared it will happen all the time. I started going directly on the offensive after hearing stories like those you discribe and getting unsolioted advice/horror stories. I would say things like..."I am a very giving person, I am sorry you are such a selfish pig that you wouldn't consider giving a home to a defensless child." I used this and a myriad of others and it really shut these type people down. Turn it around and have fun with it.

[TxMom65]

Some people have incorrect information, some are just rude. A coworker of mine asked me if I was sure I wanted to adopt from foster care, that the child would probably be a horrible teenager. This coming from a woman whose own bio son has been on drugs since 15 and still is at 27. She has nightmare stories of him and when she said that I asked her if she thought it could be worse than what her child had put her through. She never has said anything else.

[princess75]

After reading this thread I feel very blessed. My family and friends seems so supportive of us doing foster care. I will count my blessings that we have so much positive support. since we have been working towards adoption and then foster care for about 3 years now, we too watch for positive adoption stories and programs and encourage others to watch them. This seems to help dissapate any negatives we hear from time to time.

[mrsred]

Because you are doing something good and selfless and noble and they are not. If by fostering you are actually taking terrible risks to yourself, your family and your home, then they are justified in NOT doing it.

[Synesthesia]

I say just be happy for the decision you are making, and never mind what the naysayers say.
You've done your homework, you're an adult, you know what you are doing.
If I knew someone was going to be a foster parent, I'd be encouraging. People don't need to be torn down and foster parenting is an awesome thing to do. (But I don't think I'll be ready for several years, I must have a larger apartment first, make more money and have a sort of maturity I lack, but one day...)

[eomaia]

It bothers me that people are so ignorant, but then I remember how difficult it was for me to find out as much as I have about foster care, and that most of the statistics I'd really like to find just don't exist (primarily for "privacy" reasons.)

Based on what I've been able to find out, we're actually fairly typical of families in our state who have had children put in foster care- most children here are removed due to "Denial of Critical Care" which in our case meant that we lived in a dumpy old apartment that was frequently a mess, our son was an escape artist, we weren't getting along with each other, and (primary reason in my eyes) we didn't have enough money to fix all these problems. While mental illness was a concern, it was depression because I'm still dealing with losing my mother last year (which my kids' foster mom can understand- her mother died at the same time as mine.)
One way we aren't typical is that we have no substance abuse issues- while 65% of parents who have their children removed have substance abuse issues, that still leaves 35% that don't. In my state, 74% of foster children are eventually reunited with their parents.

So, at least around here most kids who end up in foster care are from families who have understandable problems that can be solved. At first when my kids were taken, I felt like I had been branded as a "Bad Mommy" and I felt very ashamed and embarrassed. Now, I'm feeling more confident and I welcome the idea of talking to people entering the system (either as foster parents or bio parents whose kids are in foster care) to let them know it can be okay, it can even be an enriching experience for both families. I think the important thing is treating people as individuals, and judging them based on themselves- not on statistics about people in similar situations, and trying to see things from their point of view.