[MichelleSchultz]

I posted this on another board originally and I think it was in the wrong place. I hope this is the right place for this topic now.
_________________________________________________
Hi,

I'm new to this board and am only just now getting serious about foster-adoption. I plan to attend orientation in July.
I have soooo many questions right now. We currently have 4 bio children already, and we do not plan on having any more bio's. What I'd most like to do is adopt sibling group so we can keep them together...and because I just love kids and big familes.

Q#1 Is there such thing as "too many" children when you adopt? Would you consider this irresponsible considering we have what many would call a large family already? I wonder this because we are NOT a rich family by no means. Our bills are paid on time, we're buying our home and we have plenty to eat, but things like braces, or camp are very difficult, if not impossible right now (one child is going to camp this summer, but he had to earn the money/save birthday money and they gave us a scholorship). I stay at home with my children, and feel this is more important than those other things right now. Our kids, bio or adopted will never have parents who can "give them everything". That being said, my bio's are fine with that and I imagine that if I were in foster care, I'd want to be with my siblings and adopted by someone who loves me more than being adopted by a family with money. Has anyone in a similar situation adopted several more children? How did your adopted children feel? How did your bio children feel? Has this been a good decision for your family? Why or Why not?

Q#2 The adoption worker I spoke with the other day said they allow up to 3 children in one bedroom...is that too many in one bedroom in your opinion? We have a 4 bedroom home and 2 children share a room, 2 are in a room by themself.

Q#3 If we adopt a sibling group (I'm thinking 3 to 4 children if this seems to be healthy for all children involved bio's and adopted) how do you get everyone to feel bonded? My bio's ages are 13, 10, 7, almost 6. They are all completely for adoption...but of course, none of us know what this would be like now. How difficult is it to have 2 seperate sibling groups bond to become 1 set of siblings? Are there any books of this topic? Anyone out there with experience and advice?

Q#4 Okay, weird question....how do you get around? as a family when you have a really large family. My mini-van holds 7 people...we're a family of 6. Passenger vans seem difficult to drive and dangerous according to some of the reports I was reading since I've been trying to research this topic.


Q#5 Are there any forums specifically for sibling adoption or large family adoptions out there on the web? I found some at one time, but my other computer has crashed and I can't find them now.


I just want to do what's best for everyone involved.

Blessings,
Michelle

[jennyg1982]

Hi Michelle, I will try to answer some of your questions. We have adopted 13 children. Ages: 27, 24, 21, 19, 17, 15, 13, 10, 9, 9, 9, 7, 4. We also have 2 foster chiildren ages 3 and 2. We too wanted to adopt siblings and that is why we ended up with so many. We adopted a total of 4 sibling groups. In Florida after you adopt you do recieve a adoption subsity until the kids are 18. It is not much but it does help with braces and extras. How other children feel is very different with each kid. Our 4 older kids were fine when we began fostering. They at the time were 17 and up. They consider the younger ones their little brothers and sisters. Our younger kids love having brothers and sisters to be with. They are homeschooled so they mostly have each other. I too am a stay at home Mom. We have 5 kids in one room, they are VERY large rooms. We live in a very old colonial home and the rooms are huge. And we found even when we put 1 or 2 kids in rooms they ended up all together in the living room or dining room or family room never in their own rooms. They just sleep in their rooms! We do make sure each kids has his own "space" for his private stuff. Some even have locked boxes to keep little hands off stuff. They also have under the bed boxes for keeping important stuff seperate. Because our kids are together alot they bonded easily. The best day was when I told one child (who only had one brother) to go get his brother and he said "which one?" We have explained to our kids that adoption is permenant and makes us a real family. And they have all gotten the point. As to getting around. We have a 15 passenager GMC van. We can not go anywhere with out it. It takes some getting used to but is easy to drive. It only gets tricky when we are pulling a trailer! There are some great web sites for large families. One is: www.lafter.org It caters to large adoptive families. If you have any other questions respond back and I will try to help! Life with a large family is very busy but WELL WORTH the effort.
Jenny

[fourbeauties94]

Hi, Michelle! I cannot answer your question about adopting since we are still fostering but do hope to adopt some day. We have four bios and two foster children. Our fkids are not bio siblings but none of my kids, bio or foster distinguish between which kids are bsiblings and which are fsiblings. They just say they are brothers and sisters.

As for the bedroom issue, I agree with the last post that my kids are never in their rooms except to sleep. Other than that, they are wherever I am. Our girls' room is only 9x10 so as you can imagine, it is very full. The boys have the master bedroom since we always knew we would have a lot of kids we just gave them the big room when we moved in (we only had three boys at that point). They have four beds in their room so that we can take another boy if we decide to in the future.

For transportation, we have an eight passenger mini van. If you do some research, you will find that there are a few companies that do make them. Remember though that all eight passenger vans are created equal. Some are bigger than others and with one in particular the eighth seat is not a full size seat. We love our van but are trying to decide what we will do if we decide to take another child (it looks like the half brother of one of our fd's may come into the system) We are not sure how we would transport everyone and right now buying a new van is out of the question. We will see where God leads us.

Good luck. I think you will be a great foster mom. You are asking all the right questions and I can tell you really care and will do a wonderful job.

[bjhv5]

Well we are in the TPR process for sibling group of 4 and have 1 other FS that we are in the process of adopting.

All total we have 9( one of our bio sons passed away 3 years ago).We need a 15 passenger van,we have just started looking for one.We use to take 2 cars but since this has truned into adoting we are going to do a more permanet thing.
WE have 4 girls in one room,the 2 little boys in a room ,the baby with us and our 18yo gets his own room.

I do not think we are done GOD has not put that filling in my heart yet.We to live basicly pay check to pay check and I stay home with the children.Do not feel guilty about wanting more,you want what your heart wants and as long as you can love them then I say go for it!!!!

If you really are meant to have a big family then it will happen!

[MichelleSchultz]

I'm so thankful for all of these responses. Wow!

I guess part my main worries is:
Is this responsible of me?

AND

WHAT will other people think? I got soooo many negative reactions when I was pregnant with my girl...I just can't imagine what people's reactions will be with more. (you know the reactions I'm talking about, "Don't you know what's causing that? Don't you have a TV? Etc.)

We homeschool also, so I was so happy to read that you feel that helped. How long you think it takes for most kids to bond and feel like all are their siblings?

[bjhv5]

I know in our case( with our younger fc) it was an instant bond!With F it has been a little harder ,one due to the fact that she WANTS to go home and is having a hard time excepting that she will not.We have her in counseling and it is helping.She is starting to bond with us.

As far as what other people think,well in my opinion(?) WHO CARES??? I stopped caring what people thought a long time ago.YES we get looks and people ask "ARE THEY ALL YOURS??" I just smile and say yes and we want more!After seeing the Duggers I have a small family LOL.We also get looks because we wear mainly dresses and have longer hair my DH is hispanic I am white we have 4 blond hair blue eyed children and 3 dark hair brown eyed children and 2 blonde hair brown eyed children so they all look like ours we get looks for all kinds of reasons. who cares!!
Just think of it this way- when you have bio children you are "over populating" the world BUT when you adopt you "are saving and helping these pood children"
That is not how I think but there are so many people that do.
We also homeschool and cant wait until we can take F out of school and teach her at home.Go with your heart.

[Tudu]

I have noticed lately the comments that people in public make. They are rude at times and this is something I did not expect. The looks and polite comments I did, but the nasty ones shocked me. I have been trying to be lighthearted about it but find myself making sarcastic remarks back with a smile. It is becoming easier and more entertaining.
We bought a 15 passenger van and took out the last seat for groceries and such. They can also bring a friend or a cousin along without a problem.
We have the older 3 girls in one room with a set of bunkbeds and a twin. The younger 3 girls are in another with the same set up. Our son is alone. They are rarely in their rooms and have a separate play room for their toys. They do all play house together and set up their rooms as apartments.
As far as too many, we are adjusting to this addition but I don't think we are done yet. Probably 1 or 2 more boys b/c my DH insists it is not fair for our son to have his own room. LOL

[MichelleSchultz]

Originally Posted by bjhv5

I know in our case( with our younger fc) it was an instant bond!With F it has been a little harder ,one due to the fact that she WANTS to go home and is having a hard time excepting that she will not.We have her in counseling and it is helping.She is starting to bond with us.

Do you mind if ask the ages of the children involved? Does age seem to effect the child's ability to bond...or yours. I worry about that too...what if *I* don't feel a bond. I love children so much...but occassionally I thank God when I meet a child that he/she is NOT mine. That probably sounds terrible, but I'm just trying to be honest.

Michelle

[MichelleSchultz]

Well, the comments have never botherer me too much. Most of the time people just thought they were being so "funny". A man asked my husband and me at church one time, if we didn't know what was causing that, and dh didn't bat an eye when he replied, "Yep, that's why we keep having them." I was soooo embarrassed, lol. I think the thought of comments bother's me more then the actual comments. And also, I don't want to have to diffrientiate between my bio's and adopted. I think it would bother me if I were adopted and my mother went around telling everyone I was. But if I feel defensive I might be tempted to say, "they're adopted". I guess I'll just have to be prepared to "deal with it", meaning negative comments.

Originally Posted by Tudu

I have noticed lately the comments that people in public make. They are rude at times and this is something I did not expect. The looks and polite comments I did, but the nasty ones shocked me. I have been trying to be lighthearted about it but find myself making sarcastic remarks back with a smile. It is becoming easier and more entertaining.
We bought a 15 passenger van and took out the last seat for groceries and such. They can also bring a friend or a cousin along without a problem.
We have the older 3 girls in one room with a set of bunkbeds and a twin. The younger 3 girls are in another with the same set up. Our son is alone. They are rarely in their rooms and have a separate play room for their toys. They do all play house together and set up their rooms as apartments.
As far as too many, we are adjusting to this addition but I don't think we are done yet. Probably 1 or 2 more boys b/c my DH insists it is not fair for our son to have his own room. LOL

[bjhv5]

The only people that know which children our "ours" and which ones are adopted are family people out int he real world I dont tell unless i get this feeling and every time I have said something it turns out they have adopted or are in the process of getting ready to foster.


As far as the ages go
My Bios are18,14,13 and my Fc(soon to be adopted) are 8,3 1/2,2 1/2.2, and 10 months
I too have a had a harder time bonding with F but it is getting there.She has had some issues but theya re getting better she was just dx with adhd and we can start her on meds today!!
I have heard it said on here "fake it till you make it" and it does work.But with the older ones I think because they do remeber thier bparents it is harder.They feel like they are betraying the bparents if they have a good time with you are feel anything for you and in our case bparents were telling her and N that this was not thier home and we were not momma and daddy at every visit.Since the visits have been stopped she has gotten better even talking about if we adopted her what her NEW name could be!I was shocked but she has picked it out and wants to be called Rebecca Marie .
I suggest counseling for an older child if you feel any issues are there.The girls were in one foster home for 1 day with their sibs then another foster home for 6 months,then moved for another month,then moved in with us.Which I think has something to do with it as well(these moves were all in less than a year)
Just pray and take it case by case.

[fourbeauties94]

The only people that know which of our kids are bkids and which are bkids are those that know us well and obviously notice the new additions. Other people that know us but not really well know that we are foster parents and we get asked often "which ones are yours?" I always tell them that they are all mine and do not tell which are the fkids. I feel that it makes people see and judge them differently and that is not fair to them. It also helps that my 3 year old bd and my 2.5 year old fd could be twins they look so much alike. It is amazing, I even get them confused sometimes when I just glance at them or catch them out of the corner of my eye!

As far as the "Don't you know what causes that" comment, I decided after the last time that someone said that to me that I am going to start confronting people about it. I am not normally a confrontational person but that comment just makes me seethe! Don't people know how offensive that comment is? It implies that I do not want all of my kids and besides that, it is none of their business. They do not have to feed, clothe, or care for my kids so they need to keep their comments to themselves! Sorry about the rant, I am just so tired of people saying this to me. I have been hearing it since I had my third boy in three years and am now hearing even more frequently and I am fed up! I already have planned what I am going to say to the next person that says it, poor them!

[bjhv5]

four,

I am with you! I have a friend that is pregnant with #9 and she and dh are so happy!! Thay get asked all the time dont you have a tv maybe you should get a hobbie.When she was pg with #7 when someone asked if they all had the same dad the dad said yes they all have the same dad we are not sure about mom though especially this one(rubbing my friends belly) .
When I told the ages of our youngest 3 ( we did not have N yet) 2,1 and 6 months he said wow your dh needs to give you a break.I just laughed and said well we are not done yet!
People who are not happy tend to judge others who are!

[MichelleSchultz]

Originally Posted by fourbeauties94

The only people that know which of our kids are bkids and which are bkids are those that know us well and obviously notice the new additions. Other people that know us but not really well know that we are foster parents and we get asked often "which ones are yours?" I always tell them that they are all mine and do not tell which are the fkids. I feel that it makes people see and judge them differently and that is not fair to them. It also helps that my 3 year old bd and my 2.5 year old fd could be twins they look so much alike. It is amazing, I even get them confused sometimes when I just glance at them or catch them out of the corner of my eye!

As far as the "Don't you know what causes that" comment, I decided after the last time that someone said that to me that I am going to start confronting people about it. I am not normally a confrontational person but that comment just makes me seethe! Don't people know how offensive that comment is? It implies that I do not want all of my kids and besides that, it is none of their business. They do not have to feed, clothe, or care for my kids so they need to keep their comments to themselves! Sorry about the rant, I am just so tired of people saying this to me. I have been hearing it since I had my third boy in three years and am now hearing even more frequently and I am fed up! I already have planned what I am going to say to the next person that says it, poor them!

I'm not a confrontational person either...and I'm not usually easily offended. However, I'm afraid that what people sometimes say in ignorance, trying to be funny (a.k.a smart alec) is hurtful to our children. Soooo as soon as I hear "Are these all yours" I say, "Yes, we are truly blessed." I've never had anyone say a negative thing about my children since I started saying that in response. But I know some people are thinking it...

Michelle

[MichelleSchultz]

Originally Posted by bjhv5

The only people that know which children our "ours" and which ones are adopted are family people out int he real world I dont tell unless i get this feeling and every time I have said something it turns out they have adopted or are in the process of getting ready to foster.


As far as the ages go
My Bios are18,14,13 and my Fc(soon to be adopted) are 8,3 1/2,2 1/2.2, and 10 months
I too have a had a harder time bonding with F but it is getting there.She has had some issues but theya re getting better she was just dx with adhd and we can start her on meds today!!
I have heard it said on here "fake it till you make it" and it does work.But with the older ones I think because they do remeber thier bparents it is harder.They feel like they are betraying the bparents if they have a good time with you are feel anything for you and in our case bparents were telling her and N that this was not thier home and we were not momma and daddy at every visit.Since the visits have been stopped she has gotten better even talking about if we adopted her what her NEW name could be!I was shocked but she has picked it out and wants to be called Rebecca Marie .
I suggest counseling for an older child if you feel any issues are there.The girls were in one foster home for 1 day with their sibs then another foster home for 6 months,then moved for another month,then moved in with us.Which I think has something to do with it as well(these moves were all in less than a year)
Just pray and take it case by case.

I didn't even know you CAN change their first/second names when they are older and you adopt. Somehow, I just thought that you could do that with babies. Of course, if they are older I'm sure they should have a say-so in that. But that is SO neat. Maybe you (collectively, not specifically) add a "family heirloom" name to theirs to make them feel more connected or give them a new, special name with a new meaning to mark their new life....so many possibilities!