[*Kate*]

We're considering foster to adopt, and have a 10-year-old son. I'm very nervous about getting a child that would harm him in some way. If I could request anything, I'd choose a child under 2 with no serious health issues, or a boy up to 8 with absolutely no history of sexual abuse or violent behaviors. I know this is probably asking a lot...but my son would love a brother close to his age, and if we could do that safely, we would. I'd also consider a sib set of two with the same stipulations, I think.

Is this at all realistic?

[michelleb]

I think that is very realistic and respectable that you are thinking of the welfare of your bio child!

The more specific you are the longer you may wait but that is not always the case!


Accepting the possibility of sibling groups will raise your chances of a wuicker placement, in my opinion.

[merrymissy]

We are in the same position. I do think it's realistic, although we have to remember they will sometimes tell us what we want to hear or simply all that they know just to get these kids homes. I know I am having a tough time having patience in waiting, but I keep on trying to remind myself that the right child might be the product of this waiting. Good luck to you!

[fourbeauties94]

I agree that you have to protect your nuclear family, in fact, even our worker keeps telling us that. However, remember that the more restrictions you have, the longer your wait will be. We also started out hoping for a placement of 0-2, even though we decided to get licensed for 0-4 to make us look more open (this was our licensing workers idea). We thought we may get more calls that way and we did not have to take children that were on the older end of the age range. We are open to any race and gender. We have since changed our age to 0-6 because we have been licensed since before Thanksgiving and still have not gotten a placement. I do not know if you have started your classes yet, but we decided we were willing to take kids that are over two after the classes. I think it depends on the individual case and the foster family. I think you should difinitely make sure you know what you can handle and stick to it. Also, talk to your sw, he/she may have some idea of how long the wait will be in your county.

We have four bio kids and I have also worried about what kind of influence foster kids behavior will have on them. We have now decided that if God wants these children in our home, he will protect our kids. This has been a leap of faith for us, not knowing what the future will hold. That is not to say that we will take every placement that comes our way regardless of the issues of the child. We did have the opportunity to take one child who had issues that we thought we could not deal with. Let God lead you, He will never lead you astray.

[HOPEFULINPA]

Be very specific and don't worry about waiting. The child that is meant to be yours is out there. Better to wait and get a child that is a match for your family then to get one that is not and hope for the best. Opening yourself to possibilities that you KNOW won't be best suited to your needs may not only be hurtful to your family...but to the foster child as well if it didn't work out. I wish you the best of luck!!!

[LadyBugz]

I think as you learn more about the children and the abuse and neglect and the effects it can have on them, you will feel more comfortable in what you can or can't handle. Some people increase their ranges while some people limit them after coming through the classes.

For instance, a vast majority of children in the foster care system (I've seen statistically) have had some sort of improper sexual contact (rape, abuse, molestation, fondling, viewing sexual acts or media, exploitation, etc, etc, etc). They often have random people coming in and out of their lives, do not have a strong support network of people to watch over their friendships made, you get the idea.

However, the majority of them do not act out sexually. So perhaps you might be open to parenting children who have some sort of history of sexual abuse, but not severe emotional or physical problems or who act out sexually.

Also, there might be things you think now you would be able to handle --like Reactive Attachment Disorder--(after all, they'll stop reacting when they have stability and love, right?), but when you find out more about these situations you might decide you can't handle them afterall.

Another example: something that surprised me when I first started looking was how many people were okay with pre- and postnatal drug usage but were not okay with alcohol usage/FAS/FAE. Do you know the long term differences between drug and alcohol exposure? It surprised me.

Don't expect to be able to adopt the "perfect" child. But don't feel bad about knowing your own family's strengths and weaknesses and advocating for the perfect child for you. I've heard people say that any child adopted through foster care should be considered special needs. That they'll have some sort of issue. The question is if your family is able to effectively parent a child with that particular set of issues. The more you learn, the more you will be assured of your internal compass pointing in the right direction.

[*Kate*]

Thanks, everyone. I appreciate the responses.

There are certain needs I know we could handle. Learning disabilities, minor physical needs...basically anything that would not impact our son in a negative way or make it so that we were unable to function as a normal family. My husband had a younger sister would was severly physically and mentally challenged, and the responsibilites it (well, his mother) placed on him as a young child were so overwhelming, he still sees a therapist. But, I certainly don't expect any child forced from his first parents to be perfectly adjusted.

The sexual abuse thing is my hang up. Without going into detail, I was molested as a kid, and I did act out sexually without knowing it was inappropriate. If anyone noticed it, they didn't say anything...so I know things can happen without adults being any the wiser. It's very scary to me. I guess maybe that puts me in a good position to help, but I'm afraid it also might put me a little too close to the situation to be rational.

I'm going to talk to my husband. We are exploring a variety of options, so hopefully we'll move in some direction soon enough.

[Lorraine123]

Please realize that the vast majority of children in foster care have been sexually abused. And even if their worker says that they have not been, there is still a high probability that they have.

[patticv]

My husband and I are parents to 5 bio children WI. We did foster care for two years (many years ago) through a different county (Monroe) and started again two years ago(Juneau). But despite waiting and hoping, our county keeps children in bio homes rather than go through the hassle of removing them (currently the county has only 6 children in foster care). Anyhow, in two years, we've only done respite two weekends (ended up the same weekend too). I've notified three surrounding counties (Monroe, Vernon, and LaCrosse) of our availability. Two said thanks but they are "in between" directors and someone would contact me when they get set up. The other county hasn't even responded. We continue to wait.
Hate to toot my own horn, but we are a great family. I am a special needs teacher, so I'm a wealth of knowledge. Our own children had ADHD and learning disabilities, so the inservices, conferences, counseling and parenting classes make us authorities on children in general.
Our youngest is a senior this year and turned 18 this week. We decided that we are not ready to stop being actively involved in children's lives. As long as we have a large house, live in the country, and our health and sanity, we figured most of that is due to being involved in a family. Without those kids, we'll probably go crazy or die from boredom.
We NEED those children as much as they need us. But where are they? After seeing our children all home at Thanksgiving and again this week, we know that keeping siblings together is so important and something we can easily do. We want a sibling group of 3 or 4.
Anyhow, we went to the orientation meeting and filled out the interest survey. But the available siblings in WI seems very limited. I've been looking at every other state, but was wondering if there are more links someone can tell me about that we can be going through once our homestudy gets finalized. (I guess that will be 5 or 6 months down the road - maybe years, the way things have gone for us.) Also wondering if certain states stand out as ones to feel good about working with or others that we should steer clear of?
It's so hard to watch the specials coming up about adoption, receive all the mailings on the need for foster and adoptive parenting and believe the issue is lack of available families. We're here, just waiting. Thanks for any points in the right direction.
Patti