[Kristin7]

I am in the process of getting licensed as a foster parent. I have two more Pride classes to go and am in the middle of the homestudy. I am a single woman with no biological children of my own and am in my mid 30's.

I guess I am getting cold feet. I am scared that I will get a child that I can't control or that I can't love enough or make the child feel secure/stable/loved enough and that the placement will turn out badly.

Are these normal fears for a first time foster parent?

What I really am interested in is foster adopt or legal risk or even just adoption. But everyone says you need to be open to foster first.

I've heard so many horror stories about foster care and the system's red tape and how uncooperative they are at times(not giving info about child's background etc)...and then I read here about lots of good stories and good placements and I just get confused as to the real picture of foster care.

Any help, suggestions, advice would be much appreciated.

I have alot of love and nuturing to give a child/sibling group...and I want to open my home to a child.

Thank you
Kristin

[gclvaruba]

Kristin, cold feet is not uncommon. Let's face it, you are looking at a HUGE responsibilty! Just remember to take things one day at a time.

I do not know what state you are in but here in Georgia, DFCS is thrilled to have prospective parents, irregardless of whether they want to "just" adopt, foster to adopt or just foster.

It is easiest to get a foster placement, but the best opportunity for an adoptive placement is going to be through foster to adopt. IMHO, foster to adopt is one of the most emotional ways to go. Remember it is not called legal risk for nothing This is the route dh and I took, and through the tears and heartache, we would not change a thing. The outcome made it all worthwhile in the end.

After your classes are over and you are ready to go perhaps start out doing repite foster care to get your feet wet and feel out the whole situation and get a better feel for how you are going to handle things day to day.

[AmyAnne]

In my case, I had the same thoughts as you. Can I do this? Can I love a child who's this out of control? How bad will this REALLY be? What if it NEVER gets better? Can I handle it?

Here's what happened in my case. I don't know how common this is, but from what I've read on here, this happens a lot.

It won't be easy, no. But you can do it. The first few months you will likely suffer some depression. You will wonder what the h*** you were thinking, taking this on. You'll have to will yourself NOT to holler at the child and lose your cool entirely. You'll look forward to bedtime, and may dread getting up in the morning. You'll pray to God for stregnth and a "good day" for once. You'll be on the verge of calling the social worker and saying "forget this, I can't do it"... but you CAN.

The question is, do you want to? Do you think you can invest 6 months of your life before you start liking the child, and yes, even loving them? Can you put in that much work before you get the tiniest reward back? Can you set up a support system to help you? You'll need a friend who can go thru background checks and can spell you for even an hour while you go to the grocery store or out on a walk. You'll need a friend who can talk you through it when you call crying at 10:30 at night saying "I don't think I can do this anymore!" Can you handle carrying your kicking screaming child out of the Walmart? Or the community pool, with all your neighbors watching? Are you willing to ask for help? Can you see yourself hitting rock bottom and calling your social worker, support group member, or logging on here to vent? Are you openminded, and willing to change tactics? Can you handle hearing things like "I don't love you and I never will!" "My birth Mom was so much better/prettier/nicer/etc than you are!" and KNOW, in your heart, that it's not the truth?

If you can, and you want to... then YES. You can do this. It won't be easy. But you CAN

[vernellinnj]

Granted, I have had only one placement. BUT, in my limited experience, I say - "Go for it"!

I, too, am single. My first placement, D, was a 2 year old boy. He went home in late August (heartbreaking). D was in my home for nearly 6 months. I was scared at first but I fell in love with him and he with me. It's hard work but very rewarding.

Thankfully, D's mom is allowing me to stay in his life.

I'm sure I'll have nightmare placements but thank God, my first was a wonderful experience.

Good luck, you CAN do it!

[SnglFmom]

Kristin:

I too am single, in my (almost) mid 30's and am a foster/adopt mom. I started my process with the hopes of only adoption but soon changed my mind and opened myself up for foster care as well. I thought that by fostering, it would help me "prepare" to be a parent, maybe "test the waters" to see if I could do it. Well, I'm still here!

It is very scary at times. I've been fostering since March and have had, oh, I guess 5-6 placements in the last 6 months. All have only stayed about 2-3 weeks at a time, but I knew that when they came to my home, chances were they were going to be returned to their bparents. That kind of allowed me to "maintain my emotional distance" so to speak (which is a whole other topic you need to consider, how will you deal with it emotionally).

Well I recently sought out and was placed with two siblings that are foster/adopt placements. Let me tell you, in the month that I have had them, I have certainly questioned whether I could do it or continue to do it. I have felt extremely overwhelmed at times, confused, questioning myself--have I made the best decision for this child on this or on that? Will the tantrums ever end (my 5yo fs has anger issues). I have to keep reminding myself that my 2 yo fd is just that, 2 yo (she's the youngest placement I've had). I mean a million questions, and they keep coming...but, I have been reassured by friends that have their own bio kids, all the questions I have are common to all parents, not just foster parents.

There have been days I thought, "that's it, I don't know how I can continue, I want off this roller coaster ride!" But, most were reactionary feelings due to temper tantrums or defiant behavior I was receiving from a 5 yo. I would say my biggest struggle has been learning how to enjoy the children. Again, all the children that have come through my door have left. And I just thought of myself as a temporary babysitter, again, emotional guard up. Now I have two beautiful children that are not going to leave (at least I pray not) and so I'm learning how to let my guard down just as they have to learn how to let their's down with me. It's difficult but it doesn't happen overnight. And you will have to adjust for each new child placement you receive.

I guess the best advice I could give you is this: try to look at the positives instead of the negatives, but don't be blind. If you chose to pursue this, give it all you got because you AND the child/children deserve that. And if you ever get to a point, where you feel you can't do it any longer and you KNOW that you have given it 100%, then make a change. Have the confidence in yourself to do it because the children will seek that in you! They will test, and test, and test you but if you know you are strong enough to see it through, the rewards in the end will definitely outway all the drama you will have endured to get there!

At least that is what I'm hoping for and I'm sure those whom have been lucky enough to have a happy ending will agree.

Best of luck and stay positive!

Jen

[Ms. Jackie]

In Iowa, there are three classifications:
Foster
Foster to Adopt
Adopt

You can get licensed for any of these in Iowa.

Some people find they cannot bear to send a child back home. They should only foster, as it is planned for the vast majority of kids to go home.

Some people do not wish to permanently expand their family and just want to help kids who need help and who are then going to move on to an adoptive home or be reunited. Foster is perfect for them.

Other families find they can do both. This is foster to adopt.

I hope this helps.

[FostAdoptMoms]

I know how you feel. I even put a post on this site regarding the training and if they were trying to "scare us off". After my second or third class - I was emotionally drained and scared to death I could not provide what these kids needed.

Understand I have not had a placement yet, but I can tell you my emotions related to this endeavor have changed day to day. Some days I think I am definately able and willing and other days - I ask myself why I would bring this much drama into my life and the life of my family. BUT overall- I know I am called to do this and that if I follow this path - it will all work out in the end. I took great strength from a quote someone had on their posting here:

"God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called."

HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I HELD ON TO THAT??? A million. Already.

I agree you need a support system. Find a support group in your area - or start one. This site is a phenominal resource - use it to it's fullest capacity. We actually met a family from our area on this site and are developing a friendship which is excellent as we know they understand what we are doing and why - no need to explain it.

Which brings me to another point- don't be disheartened by reactions from friends and family who don't get this. My experience is that they will come around. I am not rich - I do not have a huge home and lots of expendable income and the logic in bringing in additional kids to support is hard to hold on to at times. BUT again, I KNOW I am supposed to help these kids and it is something I am passionate about. Stick to your "guns" and they will come around.

I hope you find peace in your decision - and that you come to a conclusion that is right for you. There are a lot of children that need foster and foster/adoptive homes, so if you do it - great! - But as someone mentioned above - you need to be SURE because you will be tested by the kids, by your family and anyone else in your life who doesn't agree.

Wishing you peace in your decision.
S-