[Suzabell74]

My husband and I are in the process of becoming Foster Parents, we will be starting the MAPP classes in September. Our fingerprints are done, we went to see the doctor for a check-up and all is set there too. As time gets closer though I am getting very nervous. I think part of the problem is that my family hasn't been as supportative as I thought they would be. I am also worried about doing a good job, will I say the right thing, do the right things... any advice?

[AmyAnne]

READ!! Read as much as you can on the subject! Attachment in Adoption was a great book for us as well as Good Kids, Difficult Behavior. A lot of people on this board will also recommend Nancy Thomas. I also recommend you read Parenting with Love and Logic.

There's a great book for your family to read called "Adoption is a Family Affair!" as well

My other advice to you: Locate the doctors, dentists and therapists in your area that accept Medicaid and are taking new patients! I know at least here in VA we had to have a physical done within 48 hours of placement

[Suzabell74]

Thank you for the advice. Our Caseworker said that all medical/dental/counseling appointments are done through the county but I will certainly check into that. I will head to the bookstore tonight. Any other suggestions on having pets with foster kids? I have 2 cats that I adore and I have read that sometime the kids take out their anger on the animals, is this true? Also, how does meal time go? Do you make the kids eat the same thing as you? Of course we don't know what age child(ren) we are getting but I am trying to cover all my bases!

[AmyAnne]

I would ask the caseworker if the child(ren) you're considering have had any history of animal cruelty. I would give the cats a "safe place" such as a big box, or your room and say that when the cats go to that room/place that's their special place where we don't pet or play with them. (Our cats learned quickly that they could simply walk into that room if they were getting annoyed) I would also make a rule that only adults are allowed to pick up the cats. A has teased the cats a little (taking their toys, rolling hot wheels past them while they're trying to sleep, poking them, etc) but has never made any attempt to hurt them. One of the cats will even sit in his lap now. It took us almost 6 months to get to that point. We have a parakeet, 2 cats, a freshwater fish tank plus the rabbit A brought with him and all our animals seem to like him. Another good rule is if the cat hisses, it's time to leave them alone.

As for meals, we had a lot of power struggles at suppertime. A uses food as a power piece. He would refuse to eat foods I knew perfectly well he liked and would insist he didn't like those. Our rule is he has to have one bite of everything I made and then we'll see about other options. There are a few exceptions to this rule, of course (If I'm making something that DH loves and A hates, I'll usually let him have Kid's Cusine as a treat... he LOVES those things!) Anyhow, this was a huge deal in the beginning. Now that we've established that "one bite" policy, if he tries to fight it I calmly tell A, "The dinner table is not a place where we argue. You know the rules. If you would like to discuss them further, you may do so when Dad and I are done eating and the table has been cleared". This gives him 20 minutes to sulk/ decide he's going to eat what I cooked anyhow/ or take the stupid one bit of food so he can get what he wants. We had to put a "No conflict at the table" rule in effect after I was getting chronic indigestion from dealing with a dinnertime war every night. In one instance we did send A from the table to his room until we were done eating. I thought he would be glad to get away from us but he was truly crushed that we wouldn't allow him to participate in the family dinnertime.

I again highly recommend Love and Logic. While some of their examples will not pertain to you, the techniques will help you from escalating an argument into a yelling match. It's all about offering logical choices and natural consequences. In the instance where A was sent from the table. "The dinner table is not a place where we argue. You may choose to participate in dinner or you may choose to continue arguing and not participate in dinner" to which he said "I can say whatever I want to say". Dh's response was: "It looks like you've chosen to eat dinner alone when we're done. Please go to your room while mom and I finish eating" At which point he started crying saying "I want to eat dinner with YOU!" and I said "I'm so sorry you're regretting the choice you made" (in an empathetic tone) "It makes me sad to see you this upset. We'll see you in a little while. One of us will come get you when we're finished eating". I don't know about you, but some kid says "I can say what I want to say" and my natural reaction is to holler at them, which, as our therapist says is "The Mom Show". I am MUCH more interesting to push the buttons on if I start hollering and gesturing and losing my temper than I am when I say "Sorry you're regretting your choice".

[rindava]

In this part of VA it is 30 days for dentist and physical with public foster care.....if there is a major concern they usually as that you take the child to the ER at the children's hospital the day/night you get them....where my son is from they do the 48 hour physical thing though..and maybe it is up to each local DSS how it is delt with, I don't know for sure....I think I remember you (AmyAnne) writing about them giving you are harder time on who could babysit for you, they are way slack her....

DID you find a dentisit taking the new Va Medicaid????? WOW!!!!!!! I've been told that you got to go the health department clinic now Even the past 10 months many medical providers have stopped taking medicaid, especially mental health...but it is good to have a list or see if your doctor will take the kids if they take medicaid, actually a lot of local families have been able to work that out....

[AmyAnne]

Rinda- We are through a private agency, but I believe A's DSS dept required the physical. We did not find a medicaid approved dentist. Luckily A is able to be added to our insurance policy now!! YIPPEE!!

I think A's social workers are a little overprotective, as is our agency. This is not a bad thing, as I've heard so many stories of everything being too laid back!

[rindava]

going ahead and putting them on my health insurance, I haven't had to in the past, but things are sooo bad with medicaid now the kids can't get in anywhere, and if they can it is months and months to wait...

You used to able to use the ER at the children's hospital for urgent care needs, but they have gotten to the point where they will not do much.....Actually I guess I shouldn't say that, they were excellent in May when S broke her leg.

[AmyAnne]

We had no problems with Medicaid when A's appendix ruptured. Of course, I didn't have to fight the insurance...everything went straight to DSS

[mykyry]

Do you make the kids eat the same thing as you?


I have never made my own kids eat what we eat. My youngest son, now 14, has always been a picky eater. I would fix him a plate with a little bit of everything on it for him to try. If he did not like it, then after I had finished eating I would offer him a PB&J sandwich or an egg sandwich, these are also very nourishing. There are still times that that is what he will eat for supper.

In our classes one of the ladies recommended PB&J sandwiches for the picky eater.

[LEXIELYN]

Suzabell,
I can't answer any of your other questions b/c I don't have any little ones in the house yet. We were just approved for foster to adopt in June. So far, we have not had any calls. What I do have experience with is family/friends/strangers reactions to foster care/adoption. Thankfully, I had spent a lot of time reading this forum and others. I was surprised when I came across a post and the theme of it was other's reactions to foster care/adoption. I was horrified by what people had said to the poster concerning the subject. In the back of my mind I thought, OH that won't happen to me. My family/friends will understand what we are doing and why. WRONG!!

The first person I told about our plans for foster to adoption (FTA) was my mother. We were standing in the kitchen and I told her, she got this questioning look on her face and said "OH, so you are going to adopt a black baby?" In her mind, only "black" babies were up for adoption. (I mean no offense to anyone by this--just relaying my situation.) Looking back now that was her limited view of what FTA meant to her. She had no clue that there were caucasian, hispanic, asian, etc babies out there as well. The next person we told was my husband's grandmother. Her response was a blank stare followed by an awkward silence and OH, well isn't that good. She never mentioned it again for several months. Then one day she brought it up and has asked about it ever since.

In my mind, announcing our plans was the equivalent of me announcing that I was pregnant....so to speak. No, I'm not giving birth to this baby, but this is how we believe that God has predestined to build our family. This is what he has planned for us. I'm excited and I wanted to share it with our family. I wanted them to ask questions and be interested in the process. Many family members were, and I was so excited to talk about it. Just as I would have been if I were pregnant. (I hope this makes sense!) When family members/friends didn't want to talk about it I took it as a lack of interest. I was crushed and cried many tears.

As the process has gone on I've come to believe it is just more of a lack of knowing what to say. As my sister told me, "Well, It's not like you hear of someone adopting/fostering a baby every day. It's not as common as hearing someone say they are pregnant." I really had to think about that and it made sense to me. Even though it made sense that others may not know how to respond, I was still hurt with the lack of response. If you can't tell, I really struggled in this area!! It is better now and I am able to let some of the comments just roll off my back.

So all of that was to say, I do understand where you are and what you are going through. Come back here often to read. You will be blessed by what you discover. Even though I don't post much, I read this board every day as I eat lunch. You will find SO much helpful information here. Just to read what others are going through is an eye opening experience. It is like looking into someone's life, their struggles and their joys. I wish you the very best in this adventure!!

Sincerely,
~Lexielyn

[musemoon]

I can't discuss the mealtime stuff as I am just starting the process and will be hoping to adopt a baby, but I must say the "One Bite" rule really worked in our family, when I ws growing up. Except for liver, which my mom and I agree could have been concidered a little cruel..... :-) still never got over that first bite.


What I can speak to is the reactions over my choice to adopt a baby through foster care. I live in Hollywood and I am single and very artistic, most of my friends know I am more adventuous than most. I already know that my child will not be the same color as me (I'm caucasian) and I am so excited about that. I know that it my be harder in other states and areas to get support, but here is how I did it. I started with family and at first they were a little hesitant, but have grown just as excited as I am. Everyone I have told is THRILLED and so very supportive, but I tell them the same way would have told them if I were pregnant. I mention the baby everyday and continue to share my feelings of joy about this little one coming into my life. I am preparing for this child and everyone is going through this process with me. I tell them about orientation, classes, books I'm reading etc. I will throw a shower and a very special celebration when the baby comes, I am making every step of this a celebration and I am including everyone. That is not to say that everyone has been thilled, but I don't let them say anything negative, even though a few have, I always make a positive statement, I celebrate that I am helping to create a world where race is just the color of your skin, I am helping to create a world where Love is the most important family trait and by facing all the people in my child's life with love and joy, I am helping them to accept this choice, I am helping them see it as a celebration and I am giving me and my child, our family the chance to succeed. Even in the face of opposition keep saying that the child (any age) is part of your family, that they are a gift and that you have unwavering excitement, love and joy about this process. Speak about your child everyday even if they are not in your home yet, give the people who are afraid a chance to get excited with you and remember that you are going to be a family and you want all the love and support around your family that you can get.