[heartfilledmom]

If you don't mind sharing, I and probably other prospective foster parents would llike to know what are the five best and worst things about being a foster parent?

Please don't be afraid to be candid.

Thanks so much.

Prospective Foster Parent,
&
Wife & Mother to 2 bio children (8 & 11)

[leenab]

The 5 bests:
1. Being a mom to a child who really needs one.
2. Those moments in the day where all the children are behaving themselves.
3. The honeymoon period.
4. The excitement a when a new child arrives.
5. When the child finally grasps a new idea/concept and I get to witness it first hand.

The worsts:
1. A system that doesn't work. ie, cwers who don't do their job and LIES/Denial that a probelem even exists. CWers not doing enough research and asking bioparents the right questions. Saying anything to get a child placed.
2. The day a child goes home.
3. Sick children who don't sleep and spread their colds to everyone.
4. The wait for everything you ask for from the state.
5. Waiting to get an appointment with a specialist (can take 6+ months)

The good and the bad really don't balance themselves out. But you really have to just focus on the good parts and the children's needs. Otherwise you're bound to go crazy. And don't be afraid to ask for respite. We never used respite, but would have probably had an easier time if we did. So now we're on a much needed break from fostering. We're hoping to start again sometime in January. But are waiting for a call back from the liscencing agency because we recently moved and need our home reinspected. So now we're in the waiting phase again.

[LeslieP9]

We were very lucky in our experience--we have one foster/adopt son and overall our experience has been very good. I'll give it a try though:

Best:
1) Getting the call about Nevin and picking him up--a sweet little five-day old baby
2) Seeing how quickly and deeply the bond between him and our older son blossomed
3) Being a parent to this wonderful being
4) Having two great no-nonsense social workers--ours through the agency we worked with and Nevin's through the State
5) Getting approval from the state to adopt once rights were terminated

Worst:
1) It's hard to get information from the state--both because they have to walk a fine line between the parents' rights to privacy and our need to know things and they are so darned busy
2) A process that takes a very, very long time regardless of what they say at placement
3) Working with medical coupons--it takes longer to find care givers and when we do they are often overwhelmed and underfunded so appointments are always late
4) The fear that is always there that the child will be returned to an unsafe unhappy situation
5) The fear that I would emotionally hurt my older son if we did not end up adopting our foster/adopt son

The adoption will be final in the middle of next month.

[jolean12]

The 5 bests:
1. A big hug when you really need it
2. Being a mom to a child who really needs one.
3. Those moments in the day where all the children are behaving themselves.
3. When something that you take for granted is seen/experienced for the first time and I get to see (had/have a child that has never had a birthday party, been to the carnival, circus, ect)
5. When the child finally grasps a new idea/concept and I get to witness it first hand.

The worsts:
1. A system that doesn't always seem to look out for the best interests of the child or gives the parents to many chances.
2. The day a child goes home with a family that you know in your heart is not the best place for them.
3. Sick children who don't sleep and spread their germs to everyone.
4. The wait for everything you ask for from the state.
5. The times that all the children are acting their worst at the same time

[Nixie]

Best:
You get children who need you.
Children feel the love that they have never felt.
Children have someone to care for them even if for a day.
You have a sense of fullfillment to know a day of your time mean't more for those children than you will ever know!
They need you.
They need you.
They need you.

Worst:
System stinks!
Parents have rights and children have NONE!
You may have your heart broken a 1,000 times, but you may have mended twice that.
The best out weigh the worst. I am caseworker, one that cares!
I have three words... JUST DO IT!
You will not regret it !!

[eightnotenough]

We got our first placement two days before christmas.

The best so far
Knowing that these Kids need us
The big smile I get in the morning when FS wakes up
All the Huggerbuggers ( this is what we call hugs)
Watching all my children Bio and Foster laugh
Making the decision to become a foster/adopt parent

The worst:
Not getting any information
Having three diff people tell us three diff things
the saying " you guys have such big hearts" come on there kids that need a place to call home even if for a little while. If I had a penny for everytime I heard that phrase I'd be rich.


L

[Elissa1111]

I love this question!

The 5 best:
1- The kids no matter how easy or hard they seem to be, they are just kids and need someone.
2- The fact that I am on this amazing journey and I am changed for the better.
3- The smiles and love I get from my kids, true joy.
4- The fact that I have changed 1 or 2 minds on what foster parents are like, not all of us are bad. I hope to change more.
5- Did I mention the kids?? I do this for my own joy of knowing that I am helping someone. Yes my goal is to adopt one or four but for now just having them is the best.

The 5 worst
1- The pain that comes with fostering. No matter how good they tell you it looks, these amazing kids are not yours. Yes they are, when they are in your home and you do make them a part of the family but remember they can leave at any time.
2- THE SYSTEM. Yes it is better than nothing but I wish it was truly FOR THE KIDS.
3- The fact that people(family,SW, friends...) will tell you that you knew what you were getting into so don't complain that you got hurt.
4- Not everyone you know will understand why you are doing this and that if you do talk about the trouble one child might be giving you, don't get offened when they say well just give them back, or you have to get rid of them. All children come with their own problems not just foster.
5- That most of the time you will not be thanked for anything you do. I think that is most parents.

Overall it is the single best thing I have ever done and I would do it over again just to know that for a time one child felt loved and taken care of.

Elissa
foster/adopt 11 month old
foster 7 month old

[mytwoboys]

The good things I think are obvious; the love, the laughs the joy that comes when you know the attention, love and stability you are offering this child is new to them.
The hardest things for me were things I never imagined. I had prepared myself time and time again (to the best of my ability) that I could lose children I really cared for. What I didn't expect was to have children who needed me and I wasn't able to take care of. Case in point: I had two small boys, 2 and 3 year old biological brothers placed with me to find out that the had FAS. Knowing I couldn't handle it and asking again and again for help (hardest thing number two: no help) I was heart broken to find out that there were vitually NO homes for these boys. What do you do when you don't want the children placed with you? That was truly the hardest.
Two: No help
Three: Everything you have heard about the system is true and worse.
Four: They expect you to love these children like your own without getting attached--creating the "not your child" comments from social workers.
Five: Lack of travel (due to limitations and court time), lack of babysitters (we don't have a large group of foster parent friends), lack of time alone (can't leave the children), lack of doctors and dentists willing to take their "coupon" that you actually believe are a good choice for care, and a genuine "lack" of concern when it isn't Christmas for the thousands of children needing help.
I could add that DSHS is overworked and underpaid--not real good motivation for any job.

Hope this helps.
Hartley
Foster Parent for 3 years
Foster/Adoptive Mom to 3 1/2 year old
Bio Mom to 1 year old

[heartfilledmom]

I hope I am replying correctly on this board. Well, guess it won't show up if I don't.

Anyway, the responses so far have been incredible!...so honest and heartfelt. I can tell each one of you has a true heart for children. (guess I'm in the right place :0)

Elissa1111, your post really touched me. I also can just imagine those smiles and hugs early in the morning...those were my favorite when my kids were little too.

The candid honesty about the hardships are in addition, truly appreciated. I want to go into fostering with my eyes open...not JUST because my heart is slowly outgrowing my body. LOL.

Thanks to each one of you for your responses and the time it took to write them.

Would LOVE to hear more!! All us prospective parents can truly learn from your experiences and wisdom!

Thanks!!

[radkat]

Best things about fostering
1. Making a difference in a child's life
2. Being there for the special moments and firsts
3. Having great caseworkers who are like family
4. Giving a child hope for their future.
5. Helping biological parents to become better parents.

The worst things
1. Having a child in your home that you can't help.
2. Feeling like a glorified babysitter.
3. Having an allegation made against you.
4. Spending all day Saturday in training classes.
5. The day a child returns to their family.

I've fostered for six years (14 kids) and I must say that it has been an incredible ride. There are times when you feel like you just can't deal with another problem and then your foster child comes up to you and says something wonderful. Something that makes everything right. I have very few regrets. I have learned my limitations as a parent. I have seen pain in a child's eyes that has changed me to my very core. The most valuable lessons I have learned in my life all came from a child.

Kat
Adoptive Mom to a 10 year old girl
foster/adopt to 6 year old twin girls and 9 year old boy

[momofmykids]

Best:
*Giving a child who really needs it a home.
*Being called "mom and dad".
*Seeing the "real" child once they're off all the meds to "control" them.
*The honeymoon!
*Knowing you've made a difference once that child goes on his/her way.

Worst:
*CW's who lie to get you to take a placement.
*Being promised an adoption by the cw only to find out later that they knew grandparents wanted the child the whole time.
*Trying to get services the child needs only to be told no because they don't take Medicare/Tenncare.
*Birthparents who don't give a flip about their kids but are so self centered that they won't surrender even when it's in the best interest of the child.
*Letting go. I said in my "best" that it's good to know you've made a difference, but it's hard to let go because you've fallen hopelessly in love with these children.

[leaabc123]

5 Worst
1) Trying to work within a system that does not work.
2) Having little or no say in what happens to the children who may have spent most of their lives in your home.
3) Watching children return to homes that have not changed at all/ or being placed with relatives just because they are somehow related and judges interpret that as being in the child's best interest.
4) Overworked social workers.
5) The occasional lack of understanding by family and friends.

5 best
1) Building a bond with a child.
2) Hugs and kisses.
3) watching the kids grow and change.
4) Great caseworkers who actually care about the kids, as well as the foster families.
5) having an excuse to watch cartoons and eat cocoa krispies for breakfast.

[leaabc123]

As far as what others have been posted, I guess we have been lucky so far. We have traveled out of state for both the thanksgiving and the christmas holiday with our foster son.
Our foster kids also have their own pediatrician's clinic right in the county building, so we do not have to search for a doctor. All the kids go there from babies to teenagers. They also have an afterhours number that is connected to one of the local hospitals.

I'll start with the worst so I can en on a positive note!

Worst:
Not enough info about the situation, too much misleading.
People asking "why do you do this?" To which I reply "Why don't you?"
Too little support.
"GLORIFIED" babysitter, nothing glorified about it!!
The day they leave, no matter how hard they were. The house feels so empty.

Best:
Being a safe harbor in the storm of their lives.
Sharing love, consistency, and boundaries.
Giving them new things, they get so excited!
Teaching them, sharing new expierences with them.
Learning from them.

Best decision we ever made. We have one 7 year old bio daughter. Fostering has helped her realize to think community, sharing, to be thankful, in the end, we are all better people because of the kids we help.

[L-A-J-C-R-C]

Okay, the best for me:

1. Knowing, without a doubt, that we are making a difference in the lives of these kids.
2. The changes that have happened to me, i.e., much more compassionate, understanding, loving, patient
3. The smiles, giggles, hugs, kisses
4. Watching our 2 bio. sons interact with our fc. It's amazing!
5. The sense of fulfillment I have had since I became a foster parent

The worst:

1. The amount of time it takes to get answers from workers. We've been luck with their worker but have had problems on the other end of things (R&C)
2. People that say, "you're nuts" or "you can't save them all." to which I answer, "No, but I can die trying."
3. People that tell us how wonderful WE are to be doing this and not being able to get them to see that the KIDS are the one's that are wonderful! They survived, we just helped them pick up the pieces
4. People that make ignorant comments when they find out a child is in foster care, such as, you dress them really nice for foster kids!!@#!@# Boy did that lady regret that one!
5. That there aren't more people opening their hearts and homes to the kids.

Best of luck to you in become a foster parent. It is, without a doubt, one of the most fulfilling things I have ever done.

Michelle