[jbdrichey]

My dh & I are 90% sure we want to foster or foster/adopt. I was just wondering what made you decide to foster? What are the pros and cons?

We are nervous about how this would effect our bio son. He is 8 yo and he has high functioning autism. He wants a brother so bad that I am not sure how he would be when the child would have to be returned. I am sure that we could find a way to explain this to him but I think it would be difficult for him.

We are currently ttc our own but we are scared that we could have another autistic child. We also feel a need to add to our family, I don't necessarily feel the need to give birth.

Should you always foster/adopt in birth order? Should we only take kids that are younger than our ds?

Thanks!

[L-A-J-C-R-C]

Hi,

My biological sons are 20 and 16. My dh and I have always wanted a large family but were unable to have any more children. Two years ago we decided to adopt through our foster care system. We had no intention to foster, just adopt! Well, during the classes we learned that in order to have a child placed with us in the age range that we wanted we'd have to foster. After many, many discussion we decided we could do that. Our first placement was 2 babies, one was 4 weeks old, his sister was 13 months old! Talk about a wake up call LOL it had been 14 years since we had a baby we were (and still are) exhausted. We are now in the process of adopting these two angels! We've had 7 other children in our home since that time (2 of whom are still with us). Becoming foster parents has been one of the most rewarding things I have ever done in my life!

My advice would be to only foster children younger than your son. A lot of children in foster care are hurting pretty bad and can lash out (not all but some). As for when they leave, I haven't had to experience the grief of that yet. When the kids left here I had either requested to have them moved or they were reunited with their mom (and I was ready for them to go - it was a sibling group of 3!) Finally, when you are asked the behaviors you can accept, be honest and keep your son's needs in mind.

Best of luck to you. I don't think you will ever regret your decision to become a foster parent. These kids need us and all the love and protection they can get.

Hope this helps.

Michelle

[jbdrichey]

Thanks Michele for your story. I feel this is something we were meant to do. I am hoping a forever child is placed with us.

I was asking about the older child because when we first thought about doing this over a year ago I saw an older child's pic on the photolistings, he is about 8 mos older than my bio son and he lives in the same state as us but on the other side. I have always felt drawn to him and still check to see if he is still listed on there.

[L-A-J-C-R-C]

You should call the contact person on his profile and ask how they feel he would do in your home. Be very honest with them. Read his profile very carefully and try to read between the lines, most of all, ask questions!

I didn't mean to discourage you from trying from an older child, we happen to have a 15 year old with us. Our kids are 20 (bio), 16 (bio) 15 (foster/adopt); 3 (foster - in process of adopting); 2 (foster - in process of adopting); and 19 months (medically fragile foster child - will be adopting in the future).

The 15 year old is our 2 and 3 y/o's older brother. We had planned to adopt him when his moms rights were terminated, however, we've put those plans on hold as he is doing NOTHING to try to fit into our family. Don't get me wrong, he's a great kid, he just chooses to eat and leave right away, not participate in his younger sibs bd parties; etc. He has compulsive behaviors and, quite frankly, they drive me crazy. He came to us from a placement (with relatives) where he never received anything and was not allowed to so anything socially. Well, that turned around quickly. He constantly asks us to buy him stuff (not one thing has been under $500). We get the impression he's with us for what he can get out of us - excluding a family! We have decided to wait until he's 18 and, if he doesn't decide to go live with his mom, we will adopt him at that time.

Good luck in your decision. There is absolutely no harm in calling the worker and asking general questions. They won't give too many personal details but if you question it like, "do you feel he'd do well in a home that has a high functioning autistic child?" If he has behavior problems or attachment problems they should be on his profile. If not, ask about those too.

Best of luck to you.

Michelle

[bumpkin]

I know what it is like to review the photo listings across the country and finding one that speaks to you. I will caution you from letting that cloud your decision... it is really rare that you would end up being placed with that one child. It is highly stressed to foster or adopt children younger than your youngest.

Does your state allow foster to adopt only or just foster with the hope to adopt. In my state you can choose jsut foster or foster to adopt and be placed with children that have either had their parental rights terminated laready or who are on their way.

Your questuion asks why and how you got to this place, so I'll try to put that s concisely as possible. My husband and I have a 7 year old boy and were in the "books" to adopt another child as an infant domestic adoption (as was our first son). We waited for 1 1.5 years and no results, we then applied at a second agency and were very pleased with them, were being shown and had some prospective placements that never panned out.

Somehow I got to this board, to this day, I don't know how it happened. I started reading up on Russian adoption, as we had serioiusly considered that 8 years ago - we are getting up there in age (41 and 46) so the waiting was beginning to get a little scary. I continued to read and read on these boards, including the foster care/ foster to adopt posts. I felt that I started to "know" some of the regular posters...happymomanna, dadfor2 AMom2two, Amom4life, cathy102, lucyjoy, riley6 and many, many others. As I followed their posts, I wondered if God was trying to pointing us in a different direction. I spoke to my DH and we decided that if we were willing to look at a "mostly" toddler from Russia, maybe we should AT LEAST MAKE A CALL, about adopting a toddler from the foster care system. ...... We made that call, got enrolled in MAPP classes, which started in Feb 04, finished in April 04, received a "match" for twin 6 month old babies(within a week) in APril 04 brought them home in May 04, and are hoping to finalize their adoption before Christmas. A year ago I never even dreamed.....


Dreams do come true!

Go for it.

[riley6]

Awwwwwww, I'm glad I played a part in your adopting from foster care. It's my passion ya know!

I believe God leads each of us to where we need to be!

[tlc4kidz]

jbdrichey,
We got into all of this because of a relative who at 15 had been on and off drugs and we were told that if she lost the baby they would want us to foster her. She ended up keeping the baby and getting alot of support from her mom and gma, but we decided to go ahead and foster only. In my heart I always wanted a girl, because we have 2 (soon 3) boys, but my dh was satisfied with 2 "forever" kids and I felt blessed to be able to foster.

Our first placement of 9 months went to a family with an autistic daughter. Everyone thought this child would have special needs, but she is doing just fine. I believe it is because of their experience with working with PT/OT's and advocating for her right off the bat. We still keep in touch....she's like a niece to me.

We are now adopting a sib group of two. 19 month old girl we got from the hospital at 2 days old and her 5 month old brother. Miracles do happen!! My dh (who really wanted no kids, but I wanted EIGHT ....so we compromised) is crazy about them and is a wonderful daddy to all 4! They have blended right in with our 2 bios and really could not feel more like they just belong here.

I agree, that this is a most awesome place to share and learn....so few people in my "real life" have any clue what it is like to go through the ups and downs. This forum has been a godsend for me!

bumpkin,
I may have read somewhere before and forgot, but didn't realize you were also "40 something". Isn't it fun???!!! I tell you I just don't get so ruffled about things that drove me nuts with my older boys. I wouldn't trade being a mom to 2 babies at 40 for anything!! Even if I have been called grandma twice now ....okay, so it was by someone who looked to be about 15.

[L-A-J-C-R-C]

I'm 43 and my hubby is 43 (today) so you can add us to the 40 somethings list LOL

Being a parent to babies at our age is certainly tiring but I wouldn't change it for all the money in the world!!!!

Congratulations to all you other 40 somethings doing foster/adopt - I think it's wonderful!

Michelle

[shycar]

Yes having babies can be tiring, even if your not forty yet. Sorry. But I swear in the three years we have fostered it seems our babies never grow.. This is the first time we have a baby turn two and that can get to you babies after babies. But we love it and we wouldnt change it for anything.

Well anyway, why we became foster parents? Well my husband and I have tried to have a child for 4 years and nothing. Finally when the doctor said that we prob would never be able to I was hurt, but not badly couse I always wanted to adopt and I knew I would have a child didnt matter if she was born from me. When I was 6 years old I saw those commercial of needy children in other countries and they asked for someone to sponcer them to help with thier needs, well I thought they meant to buy a baby, I mean I was 6. I told my mom "Mom when I grow up Im going to buy me a baby that needs a mommy" and since then Ive wanted to adopt.

So my husband and I looked into adoption. My heart broke when my husband said that we might have to wait longer, couse of money. He suggested fostering, couse his grandma used to do it. That way we can have a child in our home till they day we can adopt our own. I said NO! No way. I started looking for a job so I can busy and not think so much of children and I saw an add about fostering and I started to think more about it. Then commercial of sponcering children would come up and I started thinking children in foster care need a mommy and daddy even for a short while. And I told my husband that I would try, but if I didnt like it we had to find a way to adopt now. Well three years and Im still fostering. I love it. The best part is I dont feel such a need to have one of my own couse all my foster children were like mine.

And if your wondering any one I got to keep for mine forever. Yes we are getting close to adopting our 2 year old fs. It took us three years but I would never change it. Its the best thing we have ever done.

Sorry so long, but my family is not very supportive and its great to talk to others who understand they way one feels about fostering. Thank you all!

[jbdrichey]

Shycar, I am thinking that my mom isn't going to be very supportive about fostering. She isn't supportive about us ttc either. I actually rarely take about this subject with her.

I need to make a call to get more information from the agency in our area. It probably won't happen until the beginning of the year though.

[skootinalong2]

We became foster parents 12.5 years ago for a specific child. We are friends of the family and mom couldn't care for him. We offered to care for him for 3 months. He is now 14. We are his legal guardians but consider him our own. He considers himself adopted and has 2 moms. We decided 4 years ago to become foster parents again. We love children. We saw a big need in our community. We had no intention of adopting. Well, we are in the process of adopting T. We have had him since he was 6 days old. He is now 22 months old and our adoption will be final Nov. 18th. ( Wow!!! next month!) We haven't decided if we will continue to be foster parents. There are alot of changes happening in our county. We will keep our license open though.

[Ebony Eyes]

I have been reading this site now for almost two years!

I have wanted to adopt since I was 12 years old. I am now 42. My husband has three grown daughters. His comprise was that he wanted to make sure that he had the energy to parent. He is in his mid fifties.

We have just about completed the paperwork to become foster parents; I so would like to have a child during the holidays. (I know, after the holidays, they are still there.) I am ready to become a mommy.

Thanks for listening!

[tlc4kidz]

Ebony Eyes,
Wow! It took you 2 years to post??!! Welcome....and I hope it is the first of many. Fostering has been such an awesome experience for us that I just can't shut up about it

I pray that your experience is as good as ours has been and that there is the pitter-patter of little feet this year at your home for Christmas!!

[newMafamily]

We are just applying to foster and have our application in. My husband is willing but not keen on it. (He was also not keen to be a dad but I knew he would be a great dad and he is). He was clear he would not adopt but was willing to foster if that was something I wanted to do. I think it is because he has so much less kid experience then I do. I have always just wanted to foster or adopt. I come from a big family and know we have a lot to give. I look at other parents and although we make mistakes I think we do a good job with our kids and could be a help to kids along a rough road. Unfortunately, it is taking forever to get started.

My bio kids (8 and 12) are so so on the idea. For them it is hard to imagine another kid living here although they like other children. They live very much in the present. I worry about them getting along with foster children but I think we just have to think about that with the kids we accept. I also worry about thier reaction to kids leaving particularily without notice but loss is part of life and I can't protect them from that. It is reassureing to hear what people say here and how you need to consider your family when you say yes or no to a particular child. I think it has helped me see alot of the complex issues more clearly and examine what we can and cannot handle.

[sciencemom]

I have been a foster parent when my spouse was supportive, and not...the difference is night and day. I would say this, it is a stressful thing, being a foster parent, and support is so important, whether it is a shoulder to cry on when a child goes home, or to deal with the issues that are sometimes unique to foster parenting. I know there are many single parents who are excellent foster parents, but having an uninvolved spouse really caused problems for me, it is so much better since I waited for my spouse to initiate the second placement.
JMHO.