[roomformore]

Well we got our first foster placement yesterday of three kids and I am afraid it is just more than I can handle. I thought I could tuff it out but the worker called today and said they could be here a year. I simply don't have enough hands. I have two of my own ages 5 and 8. The foster childrens are 11 months, 3 years and 4 years old. I need to loose about 70 pounds and I am sweating by the time I have crawled all over getting them buckled in their carseats. Plus I go to my kids school 3 times a day and it is a nightmare in the busy parking lot with that many kids. I have had to grab them by the shirt to keep them from crossing in front of a car. I am unwilling to bus my kids and I want to see them to their classroom. I hate to be a failure with my first placement but I KNOW I cannot handle this for long. I know I could handle 3 kids if they were older-like 5 and up or 1 younger one at a time. I feel bad that I found this out at the cost of these kids. I just feel like a failure. The worker today said they would rather their foster parents be honest if they feel they cant handle it and to just let her know and she was so nice and said they would still call me and not hold it against me. What should I do? Tough it out(probably bring on my panic attacks)or have them moved before they get to attached? Feeling so bad.............

[2boyz1girl]

You have to do what is best for you. Step back and look at the situation for a minute. What can you do to make things easier? Would it really hurt your kids to ride the bus? (I know it hurts Mommy). How about finding somebody to car pool with so you don't have to go to the school so often -- I take it the 5 yr old is in kindergarten? Maybe you could find someone with just one child who would be willing to drive both of your children one way. That eliminates one trip anyway. Or, can your 8 yr old walk your 5 yr old to or from class? (Mine did). How about preschool for the 4 yr old during the time your 5 yr old is in school. Just think of how fast you'll lose that weight running around like this . It sounds like you have one of the few good social workers, what is she willing to do to help out? Things should settle down too. I know it's not easy, and if you just can't do it, you can't do it. But you're probably scared and overwhelmed right now too. Think about it when all the kids are asleep. Good luck!

[roomformore]

I have I guess what you could call a phobia about making sure my kids make it to their classrooms and the same with picking them up. I just want to see them get there. And I don't like them walking the halls alone with all the milling parents/teens picking up kids. I worry if I don't do this. Illogical maybe but I would. It would be so easy for an adult to just walk out with a kid. I even saw a story about it happening on lifetime or such............So I can't avoid the 3 trips to the school and busy parking lot...................I am overwhelmed I guess and they are being so good but I just know it is too many under the age 5. I just cant cope and I dont see it getting better.........

[leaabc123]

I wish you had considered all of this before taking on these three children. See if there is any additional help that can be provided. I also suggest that you figure out what your limits are before accepting any more placements and hurting more children.

But, ultimately do what is best for you! I also suggest seeking some personal counseling for your phobias and panic attacks.

[roxanna425]

I guess the schools here are more secure since I only go to school the first day and after that I have been there a few times but I only see children after class and teachers.by appointment The kids that are not riding the bus are picked up by their mothers in the classroom after class. That way no one gets snatched. My kids go to a daycare before school for an hour and the daycare bus takes them to school and drops them off right in front. After school they go back to day care for about an hour then I am there. I have never seen teenagers an adults milling about the schools corridors. I try to teach my kids to be independent as I work and can't be there all the time. Furthermore they can sense fear and if you are afriad in a situation they will often fear it too. My kids have had enough fear. My mother worked when I was young as well.

I know you have a phobia about your kids getting to and from classes but might it not be better to let them practice something more independent in case you are sick one day or for whatever reason can't make the seperate trips there's a plan B? Did you write down a panic attack disorder when you applied to be a foster parent? If you did I am sure that if you tell the cw that this overwhelming situation is making you fear having a panic attack again I am sure she'll understand.

As for getting too many kids at once it's a lesson learned. Count yourself lucky that you have a cw that is understanding and respnsive to your needs and tell her that this is too much for you. What concerns me is that there may be a different standard of care for "your own" children and the foster kids in your care. We think kids don't notice these things and that it does not affect their self esteem but they do and it will affect them. Perhaps with only one foster child you could even out the standard of care and make it equal?

[2boyz1girl]

Take it easy guys! I share some of the same feelings, but think it is more beneficial to support at this point. She's still learning, as we all are.

roomformore, I too was (am) a very protective mom, but came to the conclusion that I can't protect my children from everything. Horrible things do happen, but why not enjoy life? Do what you can to protect your kids without over doing it. If something were to ever happen to my children I would feel terrible, but I can't live in fear of that, or put that fear in my children. You have made a choice to get licensed for foster care, and you have made a choice to take these three little children into your home. Now you want to back out after just one day? Please rethink WHY you became foster parents. Was it just to help certain, not so bad, kids that didn't effect your life style? Or was it to help whatever child(ren) you could? I just want to plead with you to think about WHY you are doing this. What's more important here? Judging by how horrible the system can be, the fact is that you probably were not well prepared for this. The worker probably should have done a little more quizzing before dropping these kids in your lap. But this is EXACTLY what messes these kids up. Think about these kids and what you can do for them, not what they're doing to you. Obviously there is a point when your family's well being has to come first, but I don't believe that you reach that point after just one day.

[leaabc123]

I know it is tough to turn down placements. You think that they might not call you again. We turned down several this year for various reasons. We knew that what would work in our household as well as with extended family. Since, we see them quite often, we had to consider that as a piece of the puzzle.

It was tough but we took what little information they gave us and made our decisions. and yes, we got called again.

I apologize if my post was harsh but it sounds as if you need to do some hard thinking about your life and whether this is for you. I still suggest counseling before going further.

[roomformore]

I am on medication for my panic attacks and have not had one in about a year. And yes I did inform them of this when going thru the homestudy. We had in our contract that we would only accept 2 kids but have been waiting for months and I really thought I COULD handle it or I would not have taken them. Plus we had two previous placements we were all set to get fall thru. I am totally doing this for the right reason to help kids but if I cannot keep track of them in crowded parking lots(darting off)what am I supposed to do? I don't want one of them-my son included to run in front of a car. And I totally RESENT the post that says I do not give the same amount of care to these kids. I have only had them one day but if anything it is my kids that have gotten the short end of the stick just because they are older. I certainly would not make the same mistake twice about accepting more kids than I could handle. I am not the reason these wonderful kids are in care. And I may be overprotective but if you were placing your kids in daycare wouldnt you rather someone overprotective watched them or someone that let them ride in the road at age 5? Believe me I feel horrible about this being too much for me. Maybe I will just do the best I can and try to stick it out. So much for the "support"

[shycar]

roomformore I know exactly how you feel. Having five children is very overwhelming especially since you only have to hands. At one time I had four foster children from two different counties. I had a 4 yr old girl from one county, a sibling group-2 yr old boy and 1yr old girl- from another county and a 5 month old from the same county of the 4 yr old. I thought I could handle it. I got really overwhelmed. The 4 yr old had 2 visit a week and therapy and had pre-school, the siblings had 2 visits a week, and when I took the baby I thought he would go the same visit time as the 4 yrs old. Yeah Right!!!! He had 3 visits with mom and 2 with dad seperate and worse they did not go with the 4 year olds visit at all. I had to go 7 trips to one county and then 2 trips to the another county and then 1 trip to therapy plus school every morning. I dont know how I did it, but when I realized at the end of the day that I didnt remember the car trips and making dinners, helping with home works, and bath times I knew it was too much. I did everything in a zoned out mode couse I was sooo exhausted, I realized I had to let one go no matter how guilty and hurt I felt. I was tooo exhausted to help all of them and worse to give each their individual attention. I understand that you want to help the children. I always feel guilty not taking any more, but one needs to make sure that they are rested and taken care of, before they can help others. If you feel that you are soo overwhelmed that it would affecting you then you need to do what you think it is right for you. If you dont take care of yourself then you can not be there to take care of others. There is plenty of homes where these children can get the love and attention that they need. You dont have to feel guilty. Yes I know that children get affected by being moved, but they also get affected when they dont have the attention that they need.

I hope this help and remeber you do what YOU think is best for you and the children. Many say that these children need to come first, but I say if you dont watch out for yourself first then you can not watch out for others. I now only take two children and sometime 3 depending the age and the attention they need.

[roxanna425]

I didn't mean to accuse you of not caring for these kids as much as you do your foster children. I said it was a concern of mine. If you don't give the foster children short shrift then there's nothing to be concerned about!

If you told your caseworker that the most you could take was two she knows she's streching your boundaries and that probably explains her responsiveness to you. I'd give it a few more days, like you said it's the first day and then if you decide you can't handle it I wouldn't beat yourself up abou it. It sounds like your heart is in the right place. I am sorry if I sounded accusatory.

If you have a health concern that you are taking medication for it can be exacerbated by too much stress. Please keep checking in with your cw about how you are doing and try to get some respite care.

Yes, I would prefer that a daycare provider be opverprotective but not at the cost of her health. If it's costing your your piece of mind that will affect the care you can give your children. Please know that I support you and don't doubt for a minute that your heart is in the right place. Trust your heart.

[Howdy]

Oh I wouldn't tough it out, what if one of the children did get hurt or killed because there were too many little ones to watch at the same time, that would be so awful, not to mention, consider your liability if the situation were considered neglectful. And although you found the earlier post rather offensive, I think a judge hearing a case where a mother took a foster child into a dangerous situation that got the child killed, rather than risk letting their birth children walk into the school and to class by themselves like the rest of the children, would be considered to have shown a strong bias!

I think that number of little ones is dangerous to take to a parking lot, if you had an acceptable (finger-printed, background searched) neighbor or friend who could stay with the little ones at your house while you took the other kids to school, that might make it do-able. But if you don't have that type of support, I can't imagine how you can safely watch all the children. Especially if the 3 or 4 yr old have problems that would make them take more risks than other children would.

Of course, letting the older children take the bus would be an obvious solution, but if you have a problem then you have to find some other real solution. Perhaps you could arrange with someone at the school, a friend or older child, to meet you at your car in the parking lot, and they escort your children to their classes. It might be better to let your children (at least the 8 yr old) go alone, think what your kid must be learning about themselves, when seeing that the other children are capable of going to class by themselves and your child isn't. I would think that could really hurt their self-confidence and self-worth.

If you persist in going to the parking lot with the whole gang, leashes on the little ones might be the safest situation. I would not trust a strange child to not do something crazy like run in front of a car.

[roomformore]

I really appreciate the advice and support. I want to do the right thing for these kids and me/my family. I am going to give it a week or so and see how it goes. I have wanted to foster for 15 years or more. I had neices growing up in a horrible home and was unable to help them(too young) so have always know if I could make a difference in a childs life I would. Plus I like kids and the neighbor kids all end up at my house. I definately know what I can handle now which is only 1 under 5 yrs. and 2 over 5. I want to help kids but not at the expense of me and my bio kids.

[roomformore]

If these foster kids were in school I would be walking them to their class too so how could be construed as biased towards my own children? They just happen to be school age. It is hard to watch them all in any parking lot. I put the baby in the stroller and make the 4 and 3 year old foster kids hold on and my son because he is older walks alongside. I grab any strayers but you are right it is risky. I agree I need to loosen up on my 8 year old-she walked home with a friend the other day. I asked her tonight about someone else taking/picking her up and she said she would think about it. She is terribly shy and genuinely likes me to drop her off. I always liked my Mom to also. Just trying to work this out in everybodies best interest. ........

[Just Julie]

How about finding a friend or neighbor to make the pick-up and delivery runs with you. That would be a better child/adult ratio. Then go together for a cup of coffee! God bless you for trying your best.

[Alura764]

I was wondering, are you a single parent? You know, maybe dad can keep the children in the morning while you are dropping off. I know in my house morning's are the most hectic time of the day.

Also, my children were in preschool at age 3. Like you said these children have been with you for a very short period of time. The longer they reside with you, the routine will fall into place. These children need to learn how your household functions.

If it doesn't get any better you cannot feel guilty, but I do feel that you should not drag your decision out to long. These children need the stability, they need to have the chance to bond with a family. The indecision alone will cause stress. When it comes to the guilt, you have to tell yourself that you are doing the best thing for these children. I know you have to consider your health and feelings, but in this case you have to put the needs of these children before your feelings of guilt. I don't mean to offend and I am sorry if I did.

But to me it sounds like you just needed to vent and this is the perfect place to do so.

Good Luck and God Bless you in your decision.

Ruth