[newflew]

Hello:
Just a quick note. I just read your concerns and some of the responses. Pretty harsh from some people I might add. I believe that you are doing this for the right reasons. You said that you would give it a week or so to see how things fall in to place. Thats a very good idea! Don't wait much longer than that though. If you decide that it is too much, the longer you keep these children the harder it will be for all involved. I think that you will be surprised at how quickly everything will come together. Please keep us all informed. Good luck..Have Faith!
Tracey

[DianeS]

What a tough position to be in!

But I don't understand something - how would future foster children being older be helpful to you? Certainly you might not have carseats to worry about any more (although here we have to use booster seats through age 8), but older children still may not stay next to you without being held. You could just have an older child darting into traffic rather than a younger one.

I like the ideas of either carpooling with someone you trust, leaving younger ones with a sitter during school runs, or bringing another adult along on the school runs to improve the adult/child ratio.

Can you teach your younger bio child to hold hands with your older one instead of with you? They could still be in your sight, but it would free a hand. Either that or some other modification to your children's training might make it easier, as you can never guess what sort of assistance a new foster child will need.

I hope you figure it out quickly!

[rights]

People that post on here are looking for support and solutions. If we can't offer that, then maybe we shouldn't respond. (Just my opinion)

I have found it to be easier to take one child at a time and add them to my routine. Just tell the caseworker that you want to be able to provide good care for these children and they will understand.

Maybe a doulble stroller would help out. I found one for a good price at a garage sale. Maybe another foster parent has one that you could use.

It will help your children to become independent if they walk into school on their own. During the day, the teacher probaly sends them to the office and the nurse on their own. I used to be the same way, it just shows how much you love your children but we have to let them grow up. I was probaly the only mom that cried when my child went to middle school the first day.

Would it help if you could voice your concerns and fears to the school. Maybe they would keep a closer eye on your children at first if they knew that this is a new experience for your family.

If you decide to have them moved, don't feel bad, just learn from this experience. It's not like you did something on purpose to hurt these children. There is probaly an empty home just waiting for these children.

Good luck and if you believe in God, please pray for a solution.

[roomformore]

Well today I let my two bio kids walk in by themselves. My 8 year old daughter walked kindergarten son to class. I am going to give it time but it is not getting easier like I thought it might. I still just feel overwhelmed and spread too thin. I am only able to be on here because they are down for a nap. I do take advice and really appreciate the support.

[rights]

That is so cool. I know it was hard. Congratulations!!!!!!!!

[Howdy]

Wow, that is a cool development. I bet big sister felt pretty proud to be taking care of her little brother like that.

I think a group of three is awfully burdensome. I have no bio kids and have only had one foster daughter at a time, and just that was exhausting.

Your situation reminds me of the joke about how for the first baby a mother boils a dropped pacifier to sterilize it, for the second baby she just rinses it off under the tap, and by the third baby she spits on a dropped pacifier to wash it and rubs it off on her clothes.

You'll have to let us know what a fourth and fifth child reduce a mother to doing!

If you feel that you can manage one child under 5 yrs, then perhaps you could keep the baby and ask to have the 3 and 4 yr old moved. The baby would benefit from the additional attention, and that would make it easier for DSS to find a home for the 3 and 4 yr old, if they don't need to find a family that is licensed for infants/willing to take a child in diapers.

[tybeemarie]

Dear roomfor more,

I am just writing to offer you moral support as you embark on this very difficult task. I think we all do our best to discern what our limitations are, but it is very difficult to do in a vacuum. Often, you don't know until you learn by experience.

I think it's great that the kids walked to school. American kids are not nearly active enough these days. Walking to school is a great way to get in some exercise, and as the other poster said, I bet the kids feel proud of this step toward independence. Good for you for being flexible and stretching yourself. It sounds like you are a caring and protective mom.

You didn't mention the house management and cooking aspects of adding to your family so dramatically, but I imagine that is quite an adjustment. I have just discovered flylady.net, which is a free email service that helps you organize your house. I am getting into the routines, and my house has never looked so great and it feels like I am putting a lot less effort into it because I have a plan. Maybe some of these routines would help give you time to dedicate to all these different little people who want your attention.

You and the kids are all facing a big transition. I think things will improve with time. Whether things improve to a point that would work for you and the kids, well, that's hard to predict. If you decide this situation is beyond your capacity, don't beat yourself up about it. There are many, many people who would be THRILLED to get a sibling group with such young kids. Not that you weren't excited to get the referral, and not that you don't care for them. But if you're not meant to be their mother, it may be because someone else is.

Please feel free to express your feelings honestly. We really do care, and we're here to support you!

[2boyz1girl]

Okay, I have to apologize. I really was trying to be supportive of you, and these kids, but reading through my post again today I realize that it didn't come across that way. What I was trying to say is that I think it is great that you have become a foster parent (not many people even make it this far). Just the fact that you have gone through all of the requirements says something about the kind of person you are, and I wanted to encourage you to keep being that kind of person. My comment about you not being prepared was totally not against you, but against the system and their lack of decent training in most states. It just makes me angry to follow some of these cases (not toward you). If you had only agreed to take two they shouldn't have pushed you to take more, especially not as your first placement. I also wanted to point out that you do have to be willing to make sacrifices. I'm very proud of you for letting your kids walk themselves to their classes.

I would highly recommend looking into respite care. Are you attending foster parent support groups? If not, you should. I know it's not easy. We took a sibling group of three as an emergency placement once and ended up with six kids all together, five of them in diapers. Luckily it was only for three days, and they went back to their mom (I could see how she was feeling suicidal) . Anyway, hang in there a little while, give it your best shot. And if you can't do it, at least you know you've tried.

[nursie]

I too have a household of running toddlers.
The age of my children (birth and foster ) are 18 mo., 2, 3, 3 1/2. and 8. I have 5 and until recently I had a 7 yo also which made it 6 children. 4 are in diapers and we are working on 3 of them fairly successfully with the potty training. Yeah, let's do the potty dance.
It is very busy and it can really wear on you. I took on a sib group of 3 when I already had 3 (2 bc and 1 fc) and when kids come in with no parenting, boundaries , discipline or loving guidance whatever you want to call it things can get really hairy.
4 months into it now things are pretty smooth.
In parking lots, the 18 mo old is usually carried or I hold her hand and the other 3 hold each others hand and one holds my hand. We make a big human chain and the kids think it is quite fun and holler at each other if they aren't holding a hand. LOL They have learned not to step foot away from the truck until I am ready with my hand out and then they are really diligent about looking for cars with me , etc.
It is very challenging to "train" them and even when they know they are supposed to wait they can still sometimes forget so I can certainly respect and understand the safety concerns. We have been to too many doctor, dental, WIC, etc. appts to remember but it is going really well now. Now the leash thing I think is a splendid idea and I had considered that myself. Before children I couldn't understand why someone would put a child on a leash, how cruel. Now I am of the mindset, "how clever." Whatever works for you and the safety of the children is paramount and gives peace of mind.
About your limits, see how it goes and if you don't see progress or are feeling like it's not working, do what you have to do that is best for everyone. You are doing the best you can and certainly no one can fault you for that.
Our children's SW were all nervous when they gave us this placement and they said "let us know when you need respite or if your feeling overwhelmed and need a break." At first I thougt,"They don't think I can handle it , do they?" and then I thought, "No, they are being realistic and realize they have given me 4 special needs children and they are very young and need to be reparented," So, it comes down to how I was going to look at it and I realize they are trying to support me. Then one of the SW's said "We don't want to overwhelm our good foster parents and have you burn out and want all the kids out of the home, even the one you are hoping to adopt."
So, you see, the decision you make to keep them or not will be OK, no matter what you decide.
It will be in everyone's best interest and let's face it , in foster care, every day is a learning experience.
God Bless and Grab my hand, we will get through this one way or the other !!

[roomformore]

What I actually meant by "I let them walk in" was I dropped them off at school out front and they walked in to school by themselves. This may not seem like much but is a huge step for me. I am just not to the point of letting them walk to school and may never be(there is a busy road to cross). My kids get tons of exercise but I do agree about most kids not getting enough. My kids have always been on the lean side. I am now essentially housebound during the week when hubby is working because I refuse to take that many kids anywhere-tried that! My neighbor is going to take my kids to school for me so that is one less trip. I am trying because we love these kids but I am still spread too thin and overwhelmed. I so appreciated the above post that talked about living in a vaccum and not knowing what you can't handle until faced with it. I am just so upset that I found out at the cost of the kids................... I did call today and talked with the CW and she was so nice and understanding and said she will be trying to find another placement for them. I just didnt want to drag it out for them. I wanted to do the right thing for them but if I am not in the right state of mind due to stress it cant be good for them either. I hope I did the right thing. I have definately learned what I can cope with now.

[roomformore]

Yes we told them we would only take 2 but they kept calling with sibling groups of 3. I would rather have started out with just one definately. If I ever take another under 5 it is going to be my only one I take at the time. Plus we live on the river and have a pool so I have to be pretty vigilant.

[kikibrando]

I can't imagine going from a family of four to seven overnight without having some amount of difficulty in the process! You have my empathy because I have, been there, done that, at least in spirit.
Our daughter arrived at 14 months of age, a veteran of Buckner private fostering services while her mother attempted to straighten out her life. In the end, "T" made an adoption plan with a separate agency and Kiki came to us. However, in foster care (and this isn't an indict of all foster parents), she wasn't well cared for. Her hair was matted and she was underweight. She didn't walk, talk, babble, or smile. She had never eaten solid food and didn't play with toys. Moreover, there were open sores on her bottom from sitting in wet diapers too long. She had the scares from this for two years before her natural brown pigment returned. All of this was unknown to us before she was placed in our home, I guess because the agency feared we wouldn't move forward with the placement. We dealt with an attachment disorder, delayed development, head banging, etc. Everytime I'd say, "no-no," Kiki would slap herself in the face. This was very frustrating to me, and I admit, we almost disrupted the placement because of my inability and lack of preparation to deal with her needs.
Fast forward, we had a great social worker and used community support services for everything we could get. I got into counseling, Kiana went to play therapy and group support for needy kids. We had in home intervention, too. Today, she's a vibrant 1st grader, reading on a 4th grade level.
Anyway, what I'm saying is don't sell yourself short with your ability to do this. Obviously, you came into foster parenting for all the right reasons and maybe God has a reason for bringing these particular children into your life? Foster parents have many resources available to them. Does your agency provide child care expenses for the children? If so, can you place them in day care a couple days of week to allow you sometime to take care of you? Clean the house? What about preschool, as someone suggested? Given they are "special needs" community services should have programs to help them, and you.
Also, can you get double stroller for trips to school and the store, etc? The four year old may not like it, but YOU are the mommy. This is something you might consider to keep them from darting in the parking lot. My younger ones have to put one hand on the cart in parking lots at stores, no if's, and's, or but's. Maybe a small treat, such as a box of raisins, for reinforcement until they get the hang of it? If you look at Babies-R-Us, you might be able to find those wrist straps with the velcro closures, too. We had a strap and harness for my oldest when she was younger. (I had a woman comment I treated her like a dog, to which I answered, how did she think a pedophile would treat my child?) Another great idea is to join your local foster parents association, too. You might find like-minded peole and more, foster parents with experience to help you along the way. Is there a MOPS group in your area?
As someone who suffers from depression and takes medication for it, you have my empathy. I've also had anxiety attacks with different triggers (usually my mother, ha ha). But, chin up, you've only had these little people a short while. Things may very well fall into place and you'll get a routine down. If anything I've said makes sense or you feel like talking further, please feel free. Best wishes and I think you can do it.

[sfbaymom2000]

Just a comment about being "over" protective. I drop off and pick up my daughter at her classroom, although the majority of parents do not. We have two locations for drop off and pick up, and one is at the bottom of a steep hill. I always wonder how long a parent would wait at the bottom if their child did not appear. How far away could the child be (by wandering off or by being taken) before a parent realized there was something wrong? My daughter loves it that I care enough and take the effort to walk her to her class and pick her up at her class. I am amazed how many parents (literally) barely slow down to let their kids out. Others allow/make their child wait for up to 30 minutes after school before picking them up. There is no formal supervision, just other parents standing around chatting (possibly). We are in a great area, but dangerous people can easily drive from "bad" areas into your safe neighborhood!

We have friends who let their kids play in front of the house unsupervised, something I would NEVER do. I know child abductions are relatively rare, but why would you take the chance? A 5 year-old in So. Cal. named Samantha Runion was abducted while playing UNSUPERVISED outside her home, with another 5 year-old. She was horribly beaten and assaulted before being killed. Her mother was asked if it could have been prevented (by Larry King) and she said no! It could absolutely have been prevented, with adequate supervision! (not to mention the risk of being hit by a car). In othe Bay area, a 7 year old was taken right off her porch! The same is true about the cases where children are abducted while walking to school (alone). There have been at least two I can think of in the Bay Area in recent years. If one of those two children was yours, how could you live with yourself?

We also have friends who allow their kids (both on swim team) to swim unsupervised! These are otherwise "good parents". I am absolutely amazed that loving parents would take such chances with their children's safety!

I understand the arguments about promoting independence, but at seven years old I would rather my daughter be a little more dependent on me and SAFE. I guess I may have gone off on a tangent here. Most of my friends think I am overprotective. But the truth is we do live in a dangerous world and I would rather err on the side of caution.

Lynn

[tybeemarie]

Roomformore,

I read your post and wanted to offer a word of support. It sounds like you've decided the sibling group is too much for your family. I just wanted to reassure you that it is okay to make that decision. We all have to face our limitations. It is hard to figure out what those limitations are in this system, because you really don't know until you live it, and that's hard, because in the meantime, there are these little people with bruised souls living with you, and you have to decide: will it hurt them more if they stay here and I can't meet their needs, or will it hurt them more to have another placement? I do not at all envy your position.

If you can hold out while they find an appropriate match for the kids, that would be a very significant contribution to their lives. And you could be a fairy godmother to some prospective adoptive parents who are really aching to have the kids.

As to how the kids get to school, everyone has to make their own decision. And good for you for seeing that your kids get their exercise--it's such a wonderful part of life. (I just did an outdoor swim meet today--such fun!)

Take care of yourself.

[tlc4kidz]

I am glad you are going to give it a week. I constantly amaze myself (and amuse others I'm sure) at how creatively I can corral my kids. I saw a great stroller the other day where an older child can ride facing the person pushing on a little platform and the younger in a regular seat. That would contain at least two of them and possibly 3 if the 3 and 4 year old are small enough to be strapped together safely on the platform (it was pretty wide).

I sometime buddy up with another parent who is willing to stand by or sit in my car to watch the little ones while I run my kids in or pick them up. You might have to give in on bad weather days and let your two make it to class alone. I have an 8 year old too, and it's good to start giving some independence. Is their classroom window in a place where they can go in and come to the window and wave? That's what my oldest insisted on doing when he was in kindergarten. He was very independent and me overprotective also.

Don't feel bad about being protective....that's what will make you a great foster-mom!! Warning--It will also drive you and your cw's crazy. I used to call everytime one of my fc's got a scratch until I was told I could lighten up on the reports....ALL toddlers get a bump and bruise now and then. Hang in there, and if you can't do it you just can't. But I bet these kids are very blessed to be with you for now.....please just don't wait TOO long if you have to have them moved.