[tnajk]

After lots of time and energy, we have been denied our license due to concerns that were brought up by one of our references!

Something that happened many many years ago when we were first married was mentioned in their reference letter.

My husband used to have a temper. When we fought, he often yelled and got in my face. I hate that and would try to walk away. This made him angrier and he usually grabbed me by my arm. One time, he left a bruise on my arm. I was very angry with him and showed my friend. I can only imagine what she said, but apparently, there was major domestic violence issues raised. He's never hit me!

I just want to cry. My husband and I have been married 6 1/2 yrs now and have 3 wonderful children. We would never bring a foster child into our home if there was any kind problems...especially violence!!!

We were told to seek counseling for our marriage and then they can revisit our application. We passed our homestudy and all of our classes, background checks...everything! I am so sad.

So, we are off to counseling that we don't need. I hope they see how wonderful our marriage really is.

[leenab]

The state really needs to make sure that they aren't placing a child into a home with domestic violence. Hence they recc counseling for you and your husband. DV is one of the crimes listed under the ASFA law which would prevent people from fostering as well as adopting.

So, go through the counseling and then hope for the best.

You may also want to check out the ASFA law. We had to because one of our f/a son's former fostermothers broke the law, and lost him.

-LeenaB

[semay7]

What is ASFA and where can the law be viewed?

[numbr1dbcksfan]

Not a foster parent....but think of it this way...counseling is great for everyone.... it certainly wont hurt you! Better safe than sorry!

I hope everything works out for you! You shouldnt be hurt by it though...if your child had to for some reason go to foster care, Im sure you would want to know that every precaution was taken (I know I would) and if it was the other way around Im sure you would want to know that your friend and her children were safe (I know I would....)

It probably is a little embarrassing...but if there is no problem, then the counselor should see that....and if there is, the counseling will be very helpful..

[leenab]

ASFA: Adoption and Safe Families Act of 1997

http://www.ncsl.org/statefed/cf/asfasearch.htm

This is it for NJ pertaining to criminal record checks:

(C.30:4C-26.8): Requires state and federal criminal history records check for prospective adoptive and foster parents. A. Disqualifies prospective foster and adoptive parent if that person or any adult residing in the person’s household was ever convicted of: 1. A crime against a child, including endangering the welfare of a child and child pornography; or child abuse, neglect or abandonment 2. Murder or manslaughter 3. Second or third degree aggravated assault 4. Stalking 5. Kidnapping and related offenses, including criminal restraint, false imprisonment, interference with custody, criminal coercion, or enticing a child into a motor vehicle, structure or isolated area 6. Sexual assault, criminal sexual contact or lewdness 7. First degree robbery 8. Second degree burglary 9. Domestic violence 10. Endangering the welfare of an incompetent, elderly or disabled person 11. Terrorist threats 12. Arson or causing or risking widespread injury or damage 13. An attempt or conspiracy to commit one or more of the above offenses B. Disqualifies prospective foster and adoptive parents if that person or any adult residing in that person’s household was convicted of one of the following crimes and the date of release from confinement occurred during the preceding five years: 1. Simple assault 2. Fourth degree aggravated assault 3. A drug-related crime 4. Second degree robbery 5. Third degree burglary 6. An attempt or conspiracy to commit one or more of the above crimes

The law has various parts in order to protect families and children.

-LeenaB

[tnajk]

Yes, this law is definately for the protection of the children. I fully understand and agree with it!!!

The difference in my situation is we already passed our background checks. There is NOTHING in them. We have 100% clean records.

Our agency is taking the word of the reference that we provided. Unfortunately, for some reason she is making things up along the way that are simply not true. She lives in another state and we have not see her in years. I'm not sure why they take her word over the other references that live close to us and see us every single day. These people can see for themselves how we interact with each other and our children.

SIGH,

I have written a letter to appeal the decision. We've made lots of phone calls and so far not been able to speak with anyone on the appeal issue.

[spaypets]

I am terribly sorry that this has happened to you.

But, assuming that your reference is being untruthful, the question is then, why did you use her as a reference? I have friends who, shall we say, put their own interpretation on events, but I can't imagine using them as a reference.

The assumption with references is that you will have chosen people who will say only good things about you. When one of them doesn't, it serves as a big red flag--even if she is the only one saying it. At the very least, it does lead one to question your judgement about whom you associate with.

And the incident you describe, although old and not the way your husband handles things anymore, would trouble me as your friend. It's the sort of thing that over the years could have escalated and often does. I understand that your husband has since gained maturity, but I think willingly going to counseling will show that you don't have anything to hide and that physical confrontation is no longer a part of your marriage.

[numbr1dbcksfan]

Plus...you had said that YOU went to her and showed her the bruise he left on you.... So the red flag would be that at least on One occaission your arguing led to violence to the point that you went to a friend about it... Even if that was a while ago it is worth seeing a counselor for just to be on the safe side....

[wantto foster30]

I also had a letter come back from a good friend {we thought} She said the she didnt think we where ready to foster because we where to busy and had to much on our plate to help a child. And she said we had marriage strugles and financial problems. The rest of our letters came back GREAT. So, we had to sumit our bank statements and more refrences and she took our word about our marriage. We renewed our vows last month. Trust me I wouldnt of remarried him if we had marriage problems. All she wanted to know is if we had ever seperated. And we never had.
It was a pain and it made me cry for two days. I have already set up our nursery. Well it all worked its self out. Now we are waiting to have our homestudy. If that goes well and it should we will have our first placement in July. I think it is a good thing that this came out now with you and your husband. So, you can go to counceling and make sure that the anger problem has been resolved. The stress that Foster children may bring into your life may trigger him to grab you or a child that is walking away from him. My other question would be what made him change? Did he get help or has he matured? God has a way of making us go threw things for a reason. Maybe this delay is a good thing. And in the end you will be better equipted for fostering.

[tancee]

I would like to know what questions do they ask your references?

[numbr1dbcksfan]

The one I filled out for California for my friend Jen asked things like...what is you relationship with them...would you trust them with your own children, how would you decribe their relationship....how many years have you known them.... dont remember the other questions...but those were the jist of them.

[leenab]

One of my references called me after receiving and filling out the references to let me know what she had said. I've know her since I was 3 yrs old, we grew up living next to each other for all of those years. So she had no problems filling it out.

She said it asked for our strengths and weaknesses. She listed my weakness as being very trusting of people and always thinking the best about everyone until proven wrong. These are truely my weaknesses. On our homestudy that we had to fill in we also had to list weaknesses and DH & I both listed these as mine. It's something I've been working on. DH is absolutely the opposite of me and is great at reading people. I swear he'd make a great judge.

Anyway. When we picked our references we chose people that we knew and would trust watching our children. That was on of the questions they were posed regarding us, if they would feel comfortable allowing us to watch their children. They were also asked how our marriage was. How long they've known us individually and as a couple.

Believe it or not it was very detailed, more so than the INS interviews we've been through for my husband's greencard. If being foster/adoptive parents together doesn't show the INS that you're married I don't know what would.

Anyway, It's good to have a strong marriage before entering into parenthood and that goes double before entering into older-child fost/adopt situations. This is something we both really wanted so badly, so it's worked for us. Have their been tough times when I really wanted dh to help with something and he just didn't feel like it at the end of a long day, yes. But you just have to move beyond it.

At the end of the day I just thank god that the boys are tucked into bed and I can have a nice relaxing bath (on those really tuff days). But there are days when everything is great, about 95% of the time right now. It's a very big adjustment process for everyone.

That's why the state wants to just double check to see if your marriage is safe & strong.

-LeenaB