[candy19722]

HI, I am very new to this and have a few questions. Hopefully someone out there can help me out. There are these 3 little girls the oldest is 14 and the youngest is 7. The thing is they have been very abused mentally, physically and sexually. I have known them all there life. There grandmother is a friend of the family. Well anyways the have finally been taken away and put in emergency fostering and the grandmother is going to take the 2 younger girls in but not the older one because she does not think that she will be able to handle her. (She has been abused since she was 3 months old it is no wonder why she has problems.) But she is out of control and she misbehaved in the foster home she was put in with the other 2 girls and now is in a group home. THis brakes my heart. I feel that she is just as worthy as the other 2 girls but just needs alot more help. Anyway i am seriously thinking about taking classes and fostering does anyone have any advice? I just feel that she is not going to get the help she needs by being shuffled back and forth from group home to group home. The grandmother that is going to get custody of the other 2 thinks its a great idea because she really should not be with the other 2 for safety reasons. What do you think is it something a new foster parent should take on? by the way I am a single women and have worked with troubled children before.

[HappyMomAnna]

Wow what a lot to think about!

I would want to know her case plan? Is the state going to Terminate Parental Rights and allow this little girl to be adopted? If it looks like this is the plan you might want to approach it as an adoption rather then Fostering. Being the mother gives you a lot more control on the choices you make to help this little girl.

I am assuming you do not have children in your home right now. I would discourage you if you have other children as a girl at 14 with her history may take everything you have to help. My heart just breaks for her. But, given her past and everything the one thing you would need to remember is that you may or may not be able to change her future....and you would need to be OK with that before you started down this road.

I think a single and strong female role modle with no other children would be one of the better possible placements for a little girl with her past. You could be the one thing that actually makes a difference in her life. But at the same time you need to research and understand Attachment and RAD (reactive attachment disorder) With these children conventional threrapy and 'normal' love does not always result in success. And families who have taken children with Attachment disorders often face horidious problems.

One thing many people have found in dealing with older children who have been adused is that anything you learn about the past placements could mean nothing. There are many people who take in an older child who was horrible at the last Foster Home and find that life clicks. There are also many who were told the child did well at the last placement only to find themselves defending their very lives. How things will be with you and in your home are very unpredictible.

You have found a great resource to help you deal with this decision. These fourms include a number of families who have fostered and adopted older children and children who were abused. Keep asking questions and go to the 'Special Needs" forum, and older child adoption forum and read the other threads. Many of them includ happy stories and horro sotries so that you might get an idea of the best or worst you could be expecting. This is a big change in our lives and these children can be wonderful or our worst nightmares depending on so many things.....

Good luck and keep asking questions.

[candy19722]

My heart breaks for her also. Thank you for your reply and honesty. I realize that it is going to be a huge challenge with her and that it is not going to be over night i just feel in my heart that i really need to try. I guess the main reason why is the fact that her other sisters will be with there own family and after all that has happened to her it must feel like she is not worthy of love. And maybe all that happened to her might be her fault and that just kills me.

[HappyMomAnna]

It is so hard to see a child suffer from no fault of their own!

I am really surprised more people have not picked up on this thread--there are some great Foster families on here.....!

I am not sure where you are at with this plan..... But I do very much wish you the best if you have questions about anything feel free to ask.